John Hancock: Because Nobody Ever, EVER actually TALKS anymore

Commercial for John Hancock: Bald, middle-aged man sitting at a table in what looks to be your standard Hot Spot Coffee Place is having a ridiculously LOUD "conversation" IMing someone, apparently his wife--

(LOUD MESSAGE ANNOUNCEMENT MUSIC) "Remember when we said 'When We Retire, Not If We Retire?"

Bald old man types "Yes."

(LOUD MESSAGE ANNOUNCEMENT MUSIC) "How do we get from "If" Back to "When?"

Bald old man leans back and looks out the window thoughtfully.

Is this really a conversation suitable for IMing? Is this couple so emotionally distant, is their relationship so badly stunted in it's growth, that they need to discuss their financial situation and retirement plans via Instant Messaging? Jesus Christ, they are just one step above texting- "So Do U thnk we gt the $ fr retrmnt?"

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like this is a conversation that grown-ups have face to face, not as an afterthought over the computer because they both happen to be in Hot Spots. We see the guy is having a leisurely cup of coffee, doggedly determined to take up an entire table at Starbucks all fucking afternoon if that's what suits him, because really, where would you rather be than a loud coffee shop? What's his wife doing? Is she home? Is she at work? If this guy is on a break (doesn't look it- he's acting like he lives at this place) why isn't she joining him? What are the odds that these people will actually remember to return to this subject when they are actually TOGETHER?

WHY are they discussing a MAJOR LIFE ISSUE via INSTANT MESSAGING over a PUBLIC WEB SERVICE??

Auggh, the stupid! It burns!

Celebrating Seventy Years of Product Placement!

This new Macy's commercial is just too much:

1. Show clip from Miracle on 34th Street- "Santa Claus" asks Adorable Little Girl "where did you get that pretty little outfit?" Girl answers "Here at Macy's!"

2. Show clip from Seinfeld episode featuring Mr. Pitt at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

3. Show clip from I Love Lucy featuring Lucille Ball gushing about how great Macy's is.

Ok, we get it. Macy's is a pioneer in the field of Product Placement. For seventy years or more, Macy's Incorporated has polluted your favorite films and tv shows with blatant commercialism (hell, Miracle on 34th Street is just one big, shameless ad for Macy's- the mid-80s E.T. ripoff Mac and Me was only slightly more obviously a commercial for MacDonald's.) Is this REALLY something we ought to feel all warm and nostalgic about?

Seriously- would Miracle on 34th Street been a flop if not for the CONSTANT references to Macy's? We might as well ask if Casino Royale would have been unwatchable if not for the ubiquitous appearence of Sony-Ericson Cell Phones (I swear, someone looks at or uses a cell phone roughly every ten minutes in that film- maybe it's a bad example, because if you cut out all the "let me look at my cell phone" scenes, the film is roughly 48 minutes long...)

Product Placement is not something I ever expected to see celebrated in tv commercials, so I should at least give Macy's points for originality. I'll certainly give them points for gall. And having seen a "thank you Macy for all the imbedded commercials" ad, I guess it's only a matter of time before we are asked to thank Marlboro for all the wonderful smoking scenes we've seen in films since the 1920s.

Hey, Lucille Ball can be in those, too, since she smoked like a chimney on her old show. Ah, the good old days!

Don't Tax Me, Don't Tax Thee....

Woman steps out of an SUV carrying plastic bags containing 2-liter bottles of soda. Apparently noticing the camera on her front lawn, she puts on this "damn it's tough living in this affluent suburb, driving this overpriced behemoth, and living in this opulent house" look before she begins her tirade:

"When Congress starts talking about another tax, that gets our attention. Now Washington is talking about a tax on juice drinks and soda. They SAY it will only be pennies, but those pennies add up, especially when you are trying to feed a family...."

Increasing the pissed-off scowl to maximum, Angry Suburban Mom snarls "Washington. DON'T increase taxes on juice drinks and soda." And with that, she enters her split-level palace, lugging the bag of what I guess are now Staples in with her.

Seriously? We're the fattest nation on earth. Our cheapest, most popular foods are drowning in high-fructose corn syrup. The cost to society in high medical bills, absenteeism from work, etc. is in the hundreds of billions. At the rate we are going, the government will be adding insulin to the flouride in our drinking water before the next decade is out. Our budget deficit is exploding, and our infrastructure is crumbling. Forty-seven million Americans can't afford Health Care. And Mrs. Pissed Off SUV Suburban Mom is warning Washington not to raise taxes on Mountain Dew because she's trying to "feed her family?"

Give me a fucking break. This is almost as bad as those "you're smoking more, and you're being taxed more, it's just not fair' commercials. I don't know if SUV mom smokes, but I do know she drives a huge gas-guzzler which probably has a Drill Baby Drill bumper sticker on the back. Judging from her righteous anger over the very idea that her family's precious carbonated drinks might go up in price a few cents, she's no doubt very comfortable with the idea that low-taxed syrupy-sweet fluids, which she refers to as "food," is her God Given Right as an American, and that any attempt by Congress to try to raise the price a few pennies is a good excuse to tune in to the Glenn Beck show and get the time and address of the next Tea Party.

When the hell are these morons going to grow up? Look, it's really very simple- we don't want to tax healthy food, like fruits and vegetables, because they are expensive enough as it is. We don't want to tax actual staples, like milk, eggs, bread, etc. But luxury items like cigarettes and soda? Taxing these is the very DEFINITION of fairness, because they AREN'T NECESSITIES.
No matter what Sneering Suburban SUV-Driving Mom says, you don't FEED YOUR FAMILY ON SODA AND "FRUIT DRINKS."

So yes, Congress- tax away on this junk. Tax Fritos and Cheetos and Pringles and Doritos and Kettle Chips. Tax Colas and Hi-C and Juicy Juice. Maybe if we tax them enough, people will be discouraged from poisoning themselves with this garbage, and we'll have a healthier society and economy. I'd gladly pay an extra dime for my Diet Coke, especially if I get to see Ms. Panties in a Twist's head explode in the bargain.

More rank stupidity, courtesy of our friends at Verizon

Two guys are sitting in what I guess is the office cafeteria. One notices that the other has the new Blackberry Storm and congratulates him on it, as he has one too.

First Guy" "How sick is the web browsing? All the APPs, GPS, video...."

Second Guy: "Um, yeah....."

Let me just jump in here, before the commercial gets to it's inevitable "you didn't get "The Network," which means you are a total loser because you are actually unable to play with your stupid security blanket/toy for a few minutes a day" punchline. I just have to say something about the vocabulary skills exhibited by Guy # 1. Maybe it's just my age, but I find something really grating about hearing a guy who appears to be in his late-20s or early-30s using a phrase like "How sick is the web browsing." Ok, I suppose "sick" is just this year's "groovy" or "awesome," but it still strikes me as amazingly stupid. It could also be because once again, we have two guys sitting at the same table, apparently about to eat lunch, and all they have to talk about is the web browsing one of them is capable of carrying on.

First Guy: "You......didn't get your Blackberry with the Verizon Network, did you?"

Second Guy (sheepishly) "No.....but look! Paperweight mode!"

Ugh, what the f-ever, man. You know, in a world in which people were still capable of exercising some level of social interaction, Guy # 2 would never discover that Guy #1 didn't have access to God Knows What from the fucking cafeteria- because Said People would be, I don't know, talking to eachother instead of fucking around with their god-damned Blackberries. But because people simply don't talk to eachother anymore (unless it's about their loved ones, just collected from the Verizon Store) your level of coverage will quickly become known to EVERYONE AROUND YOU. After all, if you HAD COVERAGE, you'd be USING YOUR BLACKBERRY, right?

How about this scenerio?

Guy #1: "You don't have the Verizon Network, do you?

Guy #2 : "Why do you ask?"

Guy #1: "Well, you aren't using your Blackberry. So I assume you don't have coverage here."

Guy# 2: "Um, that's because I'm sitting here with you, eating lunch. I thought we might just talk."

Guy#1: "Check out the Web Browsing! It's sick!"

Guy # 2: "No thanks. Hey, how's your wife and kids? Haven't seen them since last Christmas."

Guy #1: "Gotta update my Twitter account. Later."

Ah, good times, good friends. Except, not really.

How sick is this society? Oops, sorry. I know I'm using that wrong.

The Easiest Snark of All

"People keep asking me 'hey Tom- why Ford? Why Now?"

Who are these "people?" Why do they keep bothering this guy? If Tom wasn't actually a pitchman for Ford, I guess a proper answer would be "you think I have nothing better to do than to give you an education on car-buying? Who asked you to buy a Ford? Leave me alone!"

But since Tom IS a bought-and-paid for whore for the Ford Motor Company, we are supposed to believe that he explained to these "people" how the New Ford is not your Dad's Ford- it's not a pile of junk which is inferior in every way to it's Japanese counterpart.

Well, that's not very interesting. So let's imagine how the conversation would have gone if Tom decided to be as honest and to-the-point as humanly possible:

"Hey Tom, why Ford?"

"Because that's the company that's currently paying me to pitch their crappy product."

"Why Now?"

"Because if people buy Fords right now, the company will continue to pay me to pitch their crappy product."

So easy, I'd feel guilty for being paid for running this site- if only I were being paid for running this site.

Haha It's Fun to Pretend to be Polite, and then act like a total Asshole

We see a broken-down taxi with the driver standing outside of it ( I didn't even notice that the broken-down car was a taxi until the fourth or fifth time I saw this commercial, so I didn't quite get the nasty message right away.)

"Need a lift?" asks a helpful passer-by in the car we are supposed to ultimately find super-attractive, if not irresistible. "Thanks" says Taxi Driver Man, and he gets in the back seat (seems kind of odd- but OH I GET IT, it's like the taxi driver is now the PASSENGER. He's changed places, get it?)

"Mind if we take a shortcut?" Asks the driver. "No problem" says the back seat passenger. And off we go.

Driver, assisted with a GPS system apparently set to "find route with sharpest turns and most hills," proceeds to drive like a freaking lunatic up and down side streets, through what must be some kind of park (way to practice defensive driving there) and finding great delight (seriously, the guy has this massive evil grin on his face during the entire experience) in forcing his passenger (who is either not wearing a seat belt or is finding the seatbelt not an adequate form of restraint) to hold on for dear life to prevent being shoved by powerful g-forces into the car's sides.

Driver glances backward, same self-satisfied, evil grin on his face, while sick-and-nervous-looking passenger attempts a "yeah, I'm still alive" half-smile.

Finally, the passenger is dropped off at his destination, which seems to be the taxi depot. He waves goodbye to the asshole who inexplicably decided to offer a favor and then treat it's recipient like a pile of dirt, admiring the car as it speeds off.

Um, what the hell? All I can figure is that we are supposed to buy the old cliche that taxi drivers are sucky drivers who enjoy making their passengers miserable by taking turns too quickly and driving on uncomfortable roads at uncomfortable speeds. Thing is, I've been in a lot of taxis over the years, and I've never had a driver do anything like the fat dickweed seeking "revenge" in this ad does. Taxi drivers don't abuse their passengers, at the very least because passengers give tips. If they take short cuts, it's because their livelihood depends on getting you to your destination ASAP so they can move on and pick up their next client, not to tick you off.

Let's give the creep driver the benefit of the doubt and say that he's had a lot of bad taxi rides. Did the guy who ends up in the back seat provide all those rides? Any of them? If so, this sure is a passive-agressive way of meting out "revenge." Like a 30-second episode of "The Twilight Zone"- instead of the ranting anti-semite finding himself being condemned to an extermination camp, it's the careless taxi driver being trapped in the back seat with a crazy driver in command?

If not (far more likely, in my opinion) then the jackass is just being a jerk, treating this poor guy like shit as a way of getting some lame "payback" for past grievances. Either way, it's a really stupid commercial which beats you over the head with it's nastiness, besides failing to sell it's product because I've seen this several times and I can't for the life of me remember who makes the damned car, and nothing here gives me a warm feeling about a company that would produce such a stupid pile of dreck.

If I were that passenger, I would have had something to say to the driver when he dropped me off. Or maybe, I would have just vomited all over his back seat. That would have taught him something about seeking misdirected vengeance, anyway.

Surviving the tough economy, the Verizon Way

Here's more evidence that Verizon is convinced it has a winner with their Idiot Parent v. Smart-ass Kid theme, but is willing to tweak it a bit to give Dad the chance to be the heavy now and then. In the series of "funny" commercials which started last year, we had harassed mom begging her dipshit son to use "old minutes" instead of just throwing or giving them away. Dipshit son would always respond with what can be fairly be translated into "yeah mom, blah blah blah, I don't give a fuck about saving money because it's not my money, and I'm gonna keep wasting minutes because there are no real consequences for doing so. So bite me." I think I've posted at least twice on those commercials, and I appreciate the material, Verizon. I really do.

In this new commercial, balding dad, who is developing just enough of a paunch to let you know that he's officially Middle Aged Man (see SNL's archives if you don't get the reference) announces to his family that it's time to start getting serious about saving money. The guy drops off his kid two miles from school because "we need to save gas," for instance. Later, he makes the family eat in the dark to save electricity. Ok, so he's being a real ass, and we are supposed to sympathize with his family at this point. We know that there are intelligent ways to save money, and they don't include what this weird idiot is doing.

Then he announces that he's switching everyone to the Verizon Family Plan, because it gives you unlimited messaging (thank God, because who could live without THAT?) for each member for only $9.99 a month. Kind of an odd message here- Dad is an idiot in all the other ways to save money, but this move is brilliant? Or is switching to Verizon just as stupid as not driving your kids to school or refusing to use the lights during dinner?

Cue Smart-Ass Punk Kid: "I'll believe it when I see it."

Um, pardon me? Listen, you loathsome little prick, here's a better idea: Hand over your phone. It's going into the charity bin. You can have a phone You Can Believe In when you get a god damned job and pay for it yourself. Seriously. "I'll believe it when I see it?" I can't imagine saying something like that to my Dad while he's explaining to me why he's switching cell phone service. Of course, we can't imagine that this kid actually ever thanked his Dad for providing the phone in the first place, can we? Nope- but this kid is convinced that the new plan won't provide him with all the "vital" bells and whistles offered by the old one- which I'm sure not only included unlimited texting and yakking and twittering, but also downloadable games, music, and all the other things that a kid his age simply MUST have in a cell phone.

Because I guess in Verizon's world view, gas and electricity are luxuries, but cell phones for everyone in your family are absolute necessities. Maybe in future commercials, we'll see this family fishing old bagels out of the garbage in back of Dunkin Donuts and shopping for Christmas presents at the dollar store. But it will be all good, because at least they still have their phones!
Pathetic.