Monday, October 12, 2009

If you Want to Sell Out, Sell Out

We hear a hideous version of the Beatles classic "All You Need is Love," brought to us by Blackberry. Maybe in the 60s, all we needed was Love. In the year 2009, all we need is Love and a blinking, beeping box that we can use to download video, tweet our every move, keep track of sports scores and avoid developing actual relationships with the human beings around us.

We hear a not-quite-as-horrible version of the Cat Stevens classic "If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out" brought to us by some other cell phone company (at this point, who really gives a shit which one? ) I think that when Stevens (I know that's not his name anymore, but it was at the time) wrote that song, it was supposed to be a celebration of individuality and a call to reject the call to conform being pushed upon us by society. Now wanting to "be me" apparently requires me to get a phone that looks a lot like the one everyone else owns. I can't "be me" unless I have this phone, because this phone will allow me to express What it Means to Be Me. Or something.

It's not enough that cell phone companies want us to spend pretty much every waking moment of our lives staring at some little screen while pushing buttons. Now they are reaching into the past to find songs about how unimportant material things are and how beautiful each of us is, if we are only willing to show the world who we are, to SELL PHONES. More than that- we are being told that if we want to be loved, if we want to be creative and complete, we must own one of these stupid phones.

Well, I've got a little Nokia that I use because it's cheaper and more convenient than a land line. I can use it to check my email, but I never do. I guess I can't use it to Twitter, but I'm not sure, because I'm not about to try. I can't use it to download video, and I couldn't care less. So I guess I'd better reconcile myself to a life without Love, in which I never really learn Who I Am.

Sucks to be me, I guess. Doesn't suck to be Cat Stevens, though, who has apparently decided that it's all well and good to be devoted to peace and harmony with the universe, but business is business.

To paraphrase Thomas More: "Whatever may be done by Texting, you may rely upon me to do."

A young man strolling down a residential neighborhood sees the plaintive plea stapled to a telephone pole-- "Please Help Me Find This Dog." Being a thoughtful, warm-hearted fellow, he does the most helpful thing he can think of- he whips out his cell phone (oh, who are we kidding? He had it in his hand already, of course!) and takes a photo of the sign.

Using the Verizon Network, he then sends the photo to the people in his address book. And now we get to see the photo bouncing from phone to phone- one person after another sees it (one woman shakes her head sadly before passing it along) and sends it along, until pretty much everyone in town has seen it.

The Happy Conclusion to all this texting is that the original Young Man With a Heart gets a text- FOUND THE DOG!! And we see the sad owner's face light up as she arrives home to see Young Man sitting on her front stoop, releasing the dog to run into Now Happy Owner's arms.

Here's my rather obvious observation: At no point in the commercial do we see anyone actually LOOKING FOR THE LOST DOG. Just passing the buck-- err, text message- to other people. The assumption of every single person who receives this text is clearly "someone else will find this dog. I'm doing the only thing I am capable of doing, the only thing I can reasonably be expected to do, by passing along this message."

The dog is "found" because among a group of girls who are petting the dog is one who happens to get the message. Wow, what a logic-bending coincidence: Just as I am petting this strange dog, I get a text message letting me know that it's a LOST dog. What shall I do in response? Well, that's also obvious: Text back, so that the original dog-searcher can come and get it and bring it to it's owner. Because even though I received a photo of the poster, because even though I have the dog in my possession, that doesn't mean I should be the one to actually GET OFF MY ASS AND RETURN THE DOG.

Also- what happens now? Does a wave of "The Dog Has Been Found" texts start circling the planet? Naw, why bother- it's not like anyone was lifting a finger (off their cell phones) to search anyway. Wouldn't this commercial had been more effective if all this texting had resulted in an army of people actually LOOKING FOR THE DOG? Ah, but that would have distracted the viewer from the main message, which seems to be "Verizon allows you to pretend to be a concerned individual while playing with your cell phone. With a few clicks, you've done your good deed for the day. Now get back to playing that stupid new game you just downloaded."

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Falling Leaves, a Chill in the Air, and a dungeon full of screaming victims- it must be Autumn

I'm watching the Redskins-Panthers game, and I'm being assaulted repeatedly by commercials for Saw VI. People screaming. People begging for mercy. People chained or tied to all kinds of nasty machines designed to inflict slow, agonizing death. And now, back to the game.

Seriously, can someone explain this to me? Six of these films, in six years. By now, it's pretty clear that there will never be any kind of resolution, which I thought was the reason why people went to the movies- because in real life, we don't get a lot of conclusions we can look forward to, but in film, we get storylines wrapped up in a satisfactory manner (and if we don't, we think "that's a pretty lousy film.") I've never seen any of these Saw films, but you'd have to have something seriously wrong with you if you think you are going to see an actual "conclusion" to the story in the sixth installment.

No, what you are going to get is more torture, more pain, more brutality, more begging, more blood- and an "ending" that lets you know what you were sure of when you walked in- that there will be a Saw VII, coming to your local theatre sometime next year, probably in time for Halloween. Which means that if you go to these movies, you are going simply because you enjoy watching people getting tortured.

Ok, maybe that's your thing. Personally, I think that anyone who has gone to more than one of these pointless violence-porn gorefests ought to be required to undergo a psychiatric screening, but that's just me. I don't wonder why these films are made- they aren't big budget, and they rake in tons of cash. I'll stick to the commercials- why do they have to run during the only time of the week where I engage in extended tv viewing? Why do they have to run during a sporting event no doubt being viewed by kids who (allegedly) can't get into the theatre to see the film anyway? In fact, why do they have to run at all- I'm pretty convinced that there's a core audience of people who have seen Saw I through Saw V which will march like lemmings to see Saw VI, VII, VIII, IX and X, due for release in October 2013. So why bother with commercials? Does the studio really think that people are going to see the ad and think "gee, that looks interesting. I think I'll check that out."

If so, I hope that he has second thoughts later- "nah, I didn't catch the first five installments. I'd be totally lost."

Thursday, October 8, 2009

SupportSlimyFlatEarthers.org!

The voice on the radio sounds like a slower-speaking version of Andy Griffith's megalomaniac narcissist character Lonesome Rhodes in the classic A Face In The Crowd, jus' givin' us nice listeners the low-down on what these busy-bodies in Wash-in-tun are tryin' to con us into believin' about this-here whole global warmin' thing:

"Turns out, scientists now agree that the Earth has actually been coolin' over the past ten years- in fact, the las' ten years has been the coldest ever recorded!"

Well, good points, except that A) Ten years is a ridiculously short period upon which to try to detect a trend in climate change, B) the last ten years has NOT been the coldest ever recorded, or even close, and C) "most scientists" believe exactly the opposite. Other than that, well done.

"But there is some good news-- now all those Global Warmin' Elites can fly their private jets around the world guilt-free!"

Haha, excellent points!

A) Global Warmin'= Socialist/Marxist/Fascist Lie created to deprive you of your God-Given right to create as much pollution as you want and leave the planet as damaged as humanly possible. Go ahead, dump that old oil into the storm drain. God wants you to- it's mentioned in Leviticus somewhere.

B) Elites= People with an Education who think they are smarter than you are, the smartasses. They think that just because they went to school, they are smart. If they are so smart, why were they taken in by scams like Evolution, Global Warming, and Plate Tectonics? Morons.

C) Private Jets= All Liberals fly around in Private Jets, all the time. That's so they can sneer at us workin' folks from high altitude and not have to risk sitting next to us by flying Southwest. Damn Elites.

"Support Soundbites at IPI.org." Well, give them credit for truth in advertising- if you go to the IPI.org website, you are indeed encouraged to donate money to pay for more awesome commercials like this one. The "Institute for Policy Innovation" also encourages you to read articles explaining other "scams," why Obama's Health Care initiatives threaten your right to privacy, why Keynesian Economics is and always has been an unmitigated disaster (damn that FDR! Damn the Progressive Tax System!) and other subjects geared to advancing the organization's mission statement, which is advocating smaller government and lower taxation (through the spread of simple-minded platitudes and rank ignorance, I guess.)

No thanks, Lonesome. I'm sure it's because I'm an East Coast Elitist (sans private plane, what is the deal?) but I just don't get your Common Sense Wisdom. So I won't be Supporting Sound Bites for now. I am looking forward to hearing you snigger about Evil-ution and Tree-Huggers and this stupid recyclin' fad in the future. And what's the deal with this heliocentric universe crap? Go to it, Mr. Rhodes!

lower taxes,
fewer regulations,
and a smaller, less-
intrusive government.

Monday, October 5, 2009

"Let's play the Quiet Game," or "Do you ever think anything you don't say?"

The Worst Commercials I see are the ones that work off the theory that not only is anything worth thinking also worth saying, but that a whole lot of things NOT worth thinking are nonetheless worth saying.

Confused yet? Well, let's look at Exhibit A, which hit me over the head like a bag of bricks while I was innocently trying to watch the Vikings-Packers Game, otherwise known as A Night of Appreciating Bret Favre, Brought to you by ESPN:

Two guys are splayed ("sitting" just doesn't describe their posture properly) on a couch, presumably watching a football game. One guy takes a bite of his Snickers bar and mutters "Wow. My hunger is completely gone."

(Quick Note: Seriously? Your hunger is gone with ONE BITE? What are you going to do with the rest of that candy bar? Why doesn't Snickers just make the bar smaller, since it's so damned satisfying that ONE BITE eliminates the hunger?)

Not content for having interrupted his friend's tv viewing with such a lame-ass, pointless comment, Snickers Guy continues his investigation into the growing mystery: "I wonder where all that hunger goes?"

At this point, any rational human being wonders where his life went wrong, to lead him into a friendship with such a clueless, brain-dead lout. Instead, it turns out that Snickers Guy's friend is just as vapid and boring as Snickers Guy, as he proceeds to indulge Snickers Guy's journey into the mundane and pointless: "I don't know...Germany?"

I'm not even going to comment on the scene where we see a fat guy in suspenders and surrounded by empty plates screaming something about being hungry in mock-German. And you should be thankful, M&M Mars. I'll stick to analyzing how thick the oatmeal that passes for your brains must be if you find yourself having a conversation like the one these two choads have. These guys make the "Hunger Pangs No Pains" couple at MacDonalds look like the fricking Curies.

Is it the endless tv viewing? The Twittering and Tweeting? The constant playing of video games on cell phones? Or can we trace this lack of brain activity to posture- not enough oxygen getting up there, perhaps?

Of course, we know what the real answer is: the total lack of imagination we see demonstrated by the writers of commercials these days. The idiot who wrote this one had absolutely no idea how he was going to sell the audience on the current version of "Snickers Really Satisfies." So he decided to start with having a twentysomething slacker making a comment and asking a question that would make a five-year old blush. Once you buy in to the idea that two alleged grown-ups could be so bored that they would actually engage in conversation over "where the hunger goes," the rest writes itself.

I wonder where the Stupid went. Oh, there it is! In a commercial for Snickers!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My Questions for Tony Stewart

I don't care if Tony Stewart loves the Whopper.

In spite of my lack of interest, I learn that Tony Stewart loves the Whopper- loves it so much, in fact, that he's unwilling to participate in a Lie Detector Test unless he can do it while holding one to his side and slightly to the front, at mouth level.

I don't care why Tony Stewart loves the Whopper.

Again, my lack of interest doesn't prevent Burger King from telling me that it's because of the Flame-Broiled Taste. Or, at least, that the Flame-Broiled Taste is one of the things which explain why Tony Stewart loves the Whopper.

I don't care if Tony Stewart wears women's underwear. It's not a question I would ask Tony Stewart if I had him hooked up to a Lie Detector. And I have no reaction to the news that Tony Stewart apparently does wear women's underwear. I just don't care about Tony Stewart, period.

Apparently, I'm in the minority, because Burger King ends the commercial by encouraging viewers to send in questions they want Tony Stewart to answer, promising that he will answer (all of them? One of them?) in November.

I guess if I shake myself out of my apathy concerning All Things NASCAR, I would text two questions I would like Tony Stewart to answer:

1) Is there such a thing as Enough Endorsement Money?

2) Are you hoping to make enough money to buy back your soul someday?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Are we going to meet the extended family now?

Here's AT&T mom again, and here's asshole "I won't use old minutes" boy again, and here's silent-as-always younger son again, but something is different in this commercial. A new character has been added- Doofus Dan, a thirtysomething brother/cousin/Uncle/Who the Hell Knows Why He's Here who has joined everyone's Favorite Disfunctional TV family in the backyard for some reason.

Doofus Dan is chucking those stupid little clocks which represent "minutes" for his dog to retrieve. Mom calls him out on it, telling him to stop. Doofus Dan immediately launches into a Why Bother To Save Speech which I'm sure he was put up to by Asshole Boy, who spends the entire commercial sitting at the picnic table staring at Mom with this frozen half-smile on his face.

Mom then explains how the minutes are still valuable, blah blah blah we've all heard this a MILLION times over the past year, and Doofus Dan attempts to return to the pile the little clock retrieved by his dog. "You can use that one," she says.

I guess AT&T put together a few focus groups who agreed that we've seen enough of the endless, fruitless battle between Whiny Mom and Dickhead Son Who Won't Save Minutes And You Can't Make Him. So now they've introduced a clueless, overweight dumbass who has apparently been recruited by Dickhead Son to fight the battle for him. This works for me, if Dickhead Son recedes into the background until he ultimately vanishes altogether, because seriously, I've had more than enough of his stoned look and entitled attitude.

But, AT&T? Please stop here. Please don't show us the In-Laws next, or the neighbors, or grandma and grampa working to dispose of the family's extra minutes to the endless mortification of Mom. She's been through enough, and at times she really looks like she's going to snap already. And there's nothing especially compelling about this family that makes us wonder what their relatives and acquaintances are like, believe me.

Please, move on to a new storyline already. And if you can get GEICO to let you take their gecko with them, all the better.