I'll Give you a Dollar to Go Away

Scruffy guy with dollar bill walks up to Travel Agent and asks "where can I go for this?"

Instead of being sensible and saying "nowhere" or ignoring the idiot, the travel agent feels compelled to to give this pathetic slob a little plastic palm tree she had affixed to her desk. "It's yours," she says, implying that she doesn't want the dollar. She has no way of knowing that the guy has no intention of giving up that dollar in any case, as we see when....

Same guy gets into a taxi and asks "how far can I go for this?" Much More Sensible Cab Driver replies "you can get out." And out the idiot goes.

Same guy is then seen walking down the street, carrying a paper hanger some dry cleaner gave him in exchange for Our Favorite Moron's exit from the store.

Finally, the guy walks into a McDonald's. "What can I get for this?" he asks the way-too-proud-of-his-conglomerate-masters schmo manning the register. A tape recorder apparently sitting where the McDonald's worker's soul used to be clicks on and the employee begins to blather about the restaurant's Dollar Menu options- "you can get a Meaty, Melty McDonald's Double Cheesburger with all the amenities." (Seriously, the guy uses the word "amenities" to describe a slice of orange cheese, two pickles, and one squirt each of ketchup and mustard.) "Or, you can get a delicious McChicken sandwich. Or any of the other delicious options on our dollar menu that's always here for you." "Here for you?" That's the first time I've ever heard that phrase outside of a soap opera.

Here's the punchline- we see the guy sitting at a booth, eating his cheeseburger- PLUS a large soda, PLUS a hot fudge sundae!!! Somehow, this guy's quest to buy something- ANYTHING- with his last dollar has turned into a $3 purchase! What the hell? If he had three dollars, why didn't he ask the Travel Agent or Cab Driver what it would buy him?

One more thing- Taco Bell has pulled crap like this too, showing us an idiot running around collecting pennies (including stealing one from a kid selling lemonade- pure class) until he has 88 cents to buy a taco. Never is the concept of TAXES mentioned. The items in the McDonalds Dollar Menu don't cost a dollar- they cost a dollar PLUS TAX. So the correct answer to this idiot's "what can I buy for this?" question is "nothing, unless you have a little change to add to it." I wish commercials would stop pretending that the people living in them exist in some tax-free paradise.

While I'm at it: "Washington. If you are thinking of putting a tax on Meaty Melty McDoubles, "Fruit" pies and Milkshakes, DON'T. You may think it's just pennies, but those pennies add up when you are trying to feed a family!"

Maxwell House likes to make fun of Mentally Ill People

I thought the Subway "Five Dollar Foot Longs" commercials were bad enough- two-minute parades of people elbowing each other out of the way to mug for the camera and chant "Five Dollar Foot Longs" before giggling uncontrollably. But Maxwell House has far less respect for its core audience, as demonstrated by it's new "Fresh Seal" campaign.

The idea is that Maxwell House Coffee now comes with a "fresh seal" plastic lid which keeps the coffee Fresh. Pretty damned simple concept, seems to me. But of course, we can't just have a spokesperson or announcer tell us that the lid keeps the coffee fresh. We have to round up all the village idiots to sit in little groups and entertain us with inane, pointless, insipid blather concerning- well, what we already figured out.

"The lid says fresh" one desperate-for-attention suburban mom tells us. She's quickly topped, though, by another woman who adds "you smell that coffee, and it's like mmmmmm.." Moron # 3 will not be deterred- "It's like MMMM- MMMMM!!!"

But wait, here's the winner of the Was It Really Worth It Just to Get Your Mug on TV? contest: One idiot keeps opening the plastic lid and pretending that the coffee is singing-- "Freeeessh! FREEEEEEEESSSSSSHHHH!" And the people around him giggle with delight. Oh yes, this guy is the Wit of the Neighborhood. Never, EVER throw a party without inviting him first. And if he doesn't show, apologize to your guests and shoo them out the door.

I mean, ugh. The plastic lid keeps the coffee fresh. I GET IT. I don't need to see people talking about it, joking about it, or feeling inspired to do a lame ventriloquist act over it. And Maxwell House? Making fun of the mentally ill is simply not funny. These people need help, not camera time. (So do the "Five Dollar Foot Long" tools, but I've done that snark already.)

It's Hard to put Non-food on the Family These Days

That woman is back- you know the one, the rather stringy, tight-lipped, bitter looking Struggling Mom already burdened by Too Many Taxes who is ready to just EXPLODE if "Washington" decides to pass a tax on "Juice Drinks and Soda."

This time, she's in the Supermarket, pushing a cart which appears to have a pretty nice array of veggies and fruits in it. Her little son walks up with what looks like a DVD. "Can I get this one?" he asks plaintively.

"Son, we've talked about the Bad Times" mom intones. Oh jeesh, ,can we get more stilted dialogue and wooden delivery, please? How about "no, we are here to buy groceries" or "no, Christmas is around the corner?" I get the impression that mom pulls this "No, Son, like we talked about before, the Unemployment rate rose by a tenth of a point last month" every time her kid asks for a Snickers Bar.

"Yeah, I know- we're on a Budget" acknowledges son, mournfully turning away to put the DVD back. And now it's time for Mom to turn to the camera and issue her warning to "Washington" again- "we hear talk that Washington is considering a new tax on juice drinks and soda. They say it's just pennies, but those pennies add up when you are trying to feed a family. We just can't afford any new taxes right now!"

As the narrator tells us who to thank for this leaden, illogical crap, we see chastened but still hopeful son hold up a bottle of pale, pinkish fluid which I guess is supposed to be Generic Brand Soda. Mom nods in the affirmative (she has to feed her family, after all!) and pale, pinkish fluid goes into the cart.

There is so much wrong with this, it's hard to decide where to begin. First of all, if "Washington" imposes a federal sales tax on soda and juice drinks by a few pennies, do those pennies really "add up" when you are "trying to feed a family?" Maybe- if you are trying to feed that family on juice drinks and soda. Second, in two commercial appearances I have yet to see this woman with anything resembling a "juice drink." In both commercials, she's either about to purchase or already has purchased 2-liter bottles of Brand-X soda. Thirdly, please, lady, get the fucking chip off your shoulder- if its so damned hard to feed your children on your current family budget, then Stop Spending Money on Junk Like Soda!!! It's not like bubbly fizzy chemically-treated water is a necessity, like a cell phone with unlimited (and FRESH) minutes.

Oh, and spare us the final "comforting hand to the neck of sad child" scene as the ad fades to black. We've already seen your modest but more than adequate home in the suburban neighborhood, not to mention your SUV. I have no sympathy for a whiny martyr who burdens her children with her utter cluelessness about money. And I won't until I see this woman in a commercial in which she says "Washington. We just can't afford Unemployment Insurance Extensions, Infrastructure repair, Social Security or Medicare. Please, cancel those programs, right now. Because there's no WAY I'm paying another nickle for my family's weekly allowance of Mr. Pib and Shasta. We've got to feed our families, don't we?"

Another Wretched Anti-Health Care Ad- What a crappy way to start my week.

For some reason (oh, I remember now- because I forgot to bring in my XM from the car the night before) I find myself watching Morning Joe on MSNBC at around 7 AM. And on comes a commercial that basically ruins my mood for the day.

We see a grandson and his grampa, sitting on the couch. Little boy says "are you worried about your surgery?" Grampa: "Sure."

Grandson: "Is it going to be expensive?"

Grampa: "Doesn't matter. The government's paying for it."

Next we see Grandson put on a suit, get into over-sized shoes, and pick up a briefcase as the narrator intones "Government Run-Health Care has to be paid for by someone." Out the door goes the little boy with his briefcase, while Lazy-Ass Selfish Oh Boo Hoo I Want My Precious Surgery Grampa sits on his butt and stares into space.

Seriously, this is so incredibly weak. The old "burden on our grandchildren" bit? Is that really the best you can do, National Family Research Council? You really want us to turn against the Public Option because it "will put a burden on our grandchildren?"

Anyone else think that this "debating point" has been done to death? Notice how every time politicians try to do fix some major wrong, or cure some societal ill, a gang of drooling trolls on the other side pulls a Mrs. Lovejoy and screeches "Oh won't somebody PLEASE think of the CHILDREN??" Now we've got Grampa cast as the Bad Guy because he doesn't want to go bankrupt paying for his surgery. Which side is arguing "why don't you just die," again?

I could go on and on all night about this commercial, but I'll settle on making a few quick points:

The pathetic, lame argument made by this commercial could easily have been made about Social Security, Medicare, the GI Bill, and a whole host of other government programs when they were first proposed- "oh, our grandchildren are going to have to foot the bill for this." Yes, just like they'll have to foot the bill for illegal wars, massive tax cuts for the wealthy, and the gutting of our infrastructure allowed by the suddenly penny-conscious Right. Where are these pigs when it comes time to appropriate hundreds of billions of dollars to invade and occupy sovereign nations? Where are they when the Government decides to cut corporate tax rates or drop the taxes for America's richest 1 percent?

And one more thing- if the Family Research Council is really concerned about leaving a burden of debt on our grandchildren, it ought to get behind the Public Option. Because forty years after the passage of Social Security, there weren't a whole lot of people out there damning the Roosevelt Administration for pushing it through. Chances are, if we are condemned by our grandchildren forty years down the road, it will be because we listened to the tea-baggers, the Sean Hannitys, the Mark Levins, and the scumbags at the Family Research Council- and did nothing.

Heartbreaking Bait and Switch on Health Care Reform

I was too angry to comment on the newest incarnation of the "Harry and Louise" ads rolled out earlier this year in a stealth attack on real health care reform. You know the ones- where a now-elderly Harry and Louise gripe about how FINALLY, with a LITTLE LESS PARTISANSHIP, Congress may get to REAL health care reform. The one that made me scream FUCK YOU YOU SLIMY BASTARDS at the TV screen, as the two actors playing Harry and Louise played a rather important role in killing Health Care reform in 1993-- and how many people have gone bankrupt, lost their homes, and DIED due to the cost of medical care which has only continued to increase since then, you vicious cretins, may you burn in hell?

This new commercial makes me even angrier, but I just have to comment on it, anyway. Here's a sad-looking, middle-aged man sitting in a virtually empty house, packing up the last of his boxes of memories. He looks fondly at a framed photograph of a middle-aged woman, no doubt his wife and, once upon a time, his High School sweetheart and still the love of his life.

Then we see the sad man walk out of his house carrying a cardboard box. A "Sold" sign is on the lawn- ah, we are starting to get the message. This man has sold his house. Has the woman in the picture passed away, making living in this house too painful to endure?

Then we see the sad man walking through an apartment building, a rather confused look on his face, looking for the door with the right number. There it is- and he enters. Here's his new home, a rather shabby apartment with those cheap venetian blinds they all seem to come with. He sits on his box, and looks at the framed photo of his wife again.

Now he's in his car, and he's driving into a hospital parking lot. And now we see that the woman in the framed photograph is not dead- she's alive, and in a hospital bed, and so happy to see her husband and love of her life, though through her smile we can see her pain. At last, we get the point of the commercial- this couple has lost everything because one of them got sick, and her medical care has eaten away their savings. To pay for her surgery and her medication, they've sold the house they probably bought as newlyweds, raised their kids in, and hoped to grow old together playing gin rummy and watching movies on TCM in.

We are given what ought to be an obvious caption: "No One Should Lose Their Home Paying for Medical Care."

Very effective ad- for Single Payer Health Care, or at the very least, the Public Option. But what are we urged to do at the end? "Support Consensus Health Care Reform." Consensus Health Care Reform?? CONSENSUS HEALTH CARE REFORM?? What the hell does "Consensus Health Care Reform" mean? Why, it means Health Care Reform that can be supported by both Democrats and Republicans, of course. Which means no Single Payer plan, and never you damn mind that Single Payer works wonderfully in most of the civilized world. Which means no public option. Which means no caps on health insurance premiums. Which means no laws banning denial of care, no measures to allow the government to negotiate the price of medication, and no requirements that insurance companies provide affordable policies for people with pre-existing conditions.

In short, "Consensus Health Care Reform" means no reform at all.

So if your heart strings are tugged by the plight of sad man and the woman in the framed photo, you should support a bipartisan bill which will do NOTHING to help people who find themselves in the exact same situation? Come on. What kind of soulless ghouls could make a commercial which very honestly portrays a very real crisis, and then calls on viewers to support a "solution" that does ZERO to meet it?

I really hope this commercial backfires on the inhuman slugs who made it. "No One Should Lose Their Home Paying for Medical Care." I agree- so let's join pretty much every other Democracy on the planet and adopt single-payer. And actually solve the problem. Even if we have to "settle" for a Partisan (gasp, horrors!) bill which passes 51-50 with Joe Biden casting the tie-breaking vote. Because the proper role of Government is to solve problems, not seek some mirage of "Consensus" that leaves us no better off than when we started.

But is it a Quality Life?

Steve's trying to call his friends, but he finds himself trapped in a bubble which is supposed to represent the limits of his calling plan. Sucks to be you, Steve.

"So Steve said 'toodle-oo' to his old calling plan, and switched to the Now Network...." Ok, stop right there. I find it very hard to believe that Steve actually said "toodle-oo," or that anyone who uses the phrase "toodle-oo" has friends.

Now Steve is no longer limited in the number of people he can call. "So Steve decided to call every person in the United States. He'll get done when he's ninety-three." And we see a white-haired, white-bearded and bent over Steve completing his life's mission, to call every single mobile phone in the United States. I guess he's white-haired, white-bearded and bent over because that's been the accepted symbol of old age at least since Washington Irving published Rip Van Winkle, some time around 1830.

So, what's this commercial trying to sell, again? The ability to call every phone in the United States? Who wants to do that? Is this a commercial warning the viewers not to fuck away their lives blathering away on their phones to total strangers (not likely- I think that's pretty much what they want us to do)? Is it just trying to remind us that cell phones can still be used to have conversations with people (because seriously, it's been a long time since I've seen people in a phone commercial using the actual "call" option)?

In a more innocent age, I'd say that this phone company is just trying to astound us with the unlimited access to other people's phones that they give you. But considering our culture's obsession with the stupid blinking beeping things, I really think that there ought to be a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen-Do Not Attempt.

Asthma is the least of your problems, lady

For a full five minutes, the silhouette of a shapely woman wearing high heels marches all over the screen, turning on a dime, changing directions, sometimes aggressively plowing straight ahead as if she's about to come right out of the screen into my living room, then turning left and crossing the length of my tv like the New England Patriots heading down the field in a two-minute offense, continuing to blather on about Symbicort even though she's no longer looking at the viewer.

Twice during this commercial, this silhouette woman defensively tells us that the facts she just bleated "make Symbicort right for me." Who is she arguing with? Why is she pacing this way and that, moving her hands nervously as she goes, while muttering things like "I know that Symbicort won't replace an emergency inhaler?" Why does she only appear in shadow, as if she's in the Witness Protection Program giving testimony on this top secret weapon produced by the criminal masterminds at AstraZeneca (which does sound like the kind of organization James Bond might be sent to destroy?)

Watching this woman's frentic movement throughout the entire commercial, I come to three possible conclusions:

1. This woman has gone insane, and is simply babbling to herself as she struggles vainly to discover a way to escape from the cage she has found herself in. She's like a cheetah displayed in some cruel roadside menagerie, forever pacing back and forth. For God's Sake, AstraZeneca, open a door and let her out already.

2. This woman is suffering from Restless Leg Syndrome, a nasty side effect that some May Experience from taking Symbicort, which is nevertheless Right For Her.

3. Constant movement is a required therapy in her daily struggle to combat Glowing Lung Syndrome. Did I mention that her lungs glow blue and red during most of the commercial? They remind me of the solar lights my parents installed around their pond, and they totally creep me out. Your lungs are glowing, and you are concerned about dealing with bouts of asthma?

And when she concludes by telling me to ask my doctor "if Symbicort is right for me," it sounds a lot more like an order than a suggestion. I guess AstraZeneca's theory is that if the actress is bold and scary enough, the viewer will feel threatened into calling the doctor-- "I'd better try this medication, because Scary Lady in Shadows who couldn't stop walking around and who had glowing lungs told me too."

And who is going to refuse a command by a woman with glowing lungs?