Lowes is a Proud Sponsor of NASCAR. Why is this a selling point? Even if I were a fan of NASCAR, why would Lowes' sponsorship of Jimmie Johnson make me want to go to Lowes?
And what's with these phony employees in the most recent Lowes Commercial- there they are, wearing their stupid Lowes vests, jumping up and down hooting and hollering and giving eachother high-fives ("Four in a row, baby! Woo Hoo!") because of COURSE they are all Jimmie Johnson fans and of COURSE they will just DIE if Jimmie Johnson doesn't win the Sprint Cup Series. Does Lowes only hire Jimmie Johnson fans to work in their stores? Does the fact that their employer is a Jimmie Johnson fan somehow make Lowes employees gravitate to NASCAR and Johnson? Would expressing support for Jeff Gordon result in a pink slip and an order to get your sorry ass back to Burger King, you traitor?
Assuming that none of these is the case, why are these overworked, underpaid idiots so fucking excited at the prospect of Jimmie Johnson OR Lowes winning ANYTHING?
Is it just that working for Lowes is so all-consuming and soul-sucking that these people don't know why they are so excited about someone who happens to be sponsored by the mega-conglomerate they slave for? Do they realize that they are making the baggage handlers over at Southwest seem almost normal by comparison?
Maybe it's the vests.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Verizon Hates Me, Christmas, and West Virginia
"Santa" walks into the dark, cold barn and asks his reindeer if they are "ready" (to travel the world delivering toys, I guess.) Those stupid Verizon "maps" pop up above all the reindeer- but, oops! Blitzen has Inferior Coverage, because he's got AT&T. What a stupid reindeer!
Ok, I just have three questions for the makers of this brain-dead, childhood memory-crushing, manipulative bullshit. First: Why is it important that every reindeer have the same cell coverage? Aren't they going to be hitched together when they pull their sleigh? Is it really going to be necessary for Blitzen to be able to text Dasher mid-flight? I mean, what the hell?
Second: Check out those pop-up maps. Compare the Verizon Map with the AT&T Map. On both, there's this big blank spot sitting like baby spit-up all over West Virginia. So, neither Verizon nor AT&T offer coverage in West Virginia? What is the consequence of this lack of service? Santa just going to skip the Mountaineer State?
Third: I know this is too much to ask, but could cell phone companies please, PLEASE keep their grubby, filthy paws off of our cherished childhood memories? Santa Claus doesn't give a damn what kind of coverage his reindeer have, because they are REINDEER. He doesn't care what kind of coverage HE has, because he's Santa Claus. He wasn't invented to pimp for Verizon.
He was invented to pimp for Coca-Cola. And let's never forget it.
Ok, I just have three questions for the makers of this brain-dead, childhood memory-crushing, manipulative bullshit. First: Why is it important that every reindeer have the same cell coverage? Aren't they going to be hitched together when they pull their sleigh? Is it really going to be necessary for Blitzen to be able to text Dasher mid-flight? I mean, what the hell?
Second: Check out those pop-up maps. Compare the Verizon Map with the AT&T Map. On both, there's this big blank spot sitting like baby spit-up all over West Virginia. So, neither Verizon nor AT&T offer coverage in West Virginia? What is the consequence of this lack of service? Santa just going to skip the Mountaineer State?
Third: I know this is too much to ask, but could cell phone companies please, PLEASE keep their grubby, filthy paws off of our cherished childhood memories? Santa Claus doesn't give a damn what kind of coverage his reindeer have, because they are REINDEER. He doesn't care what kind of coverage HE has, because he's Santa Claus. He wasn't invented to pimp for Verizon.
He was invented to pimp for Coca-Cola. And let's never forget it.
There's Never Been a Better Time to Blow your Wad on a Bauble
Cute couple skating along on the ice- except, not really: More like girl gracefully skating, while sweet boyfriend with sensitive soul and huge heart who Wants Only To Make Her Happy stumbles, falls, gets up, and grasps a tree branch for support. Oh, how insulin shock-inducing adorable is this? And did I mention that it's all done to the tune of "I Got You Babe?" (Not the Sonny and Cher version- no ad agency EVER uses the original version of any song, after all. In this case, we'll be thankful for small favors.)
Having had enough of this skate-your-way-into-the-sack shit, clumsy doofus guy pulls out a box and hands her the only thing any girl really wants, after all- a piece of rock dug out of the ground by some starving kid in South Africa.
"Now more than ever, you are each other's greatest strength" the disembodied voice-over intones, as we watch the graceful recipient of a shiny stone hug/hold up clumsy, Finally Going to Get Some boyfriend. "The strength of love, forged in a knot."
"Now more than ever.." does the narrator mean "now that you can cross off 'skating' as an activity you enjoy doing together, leaving 'watching tv' and 'having sex' as the only two left?" It sure doesn't mean "during these trying economic times," because seriously, what is it about 10% unemployment that makes this a good time to invest in ancient coal?
"The strength of love, forged in a knot." How about "a shiny stone, surrounded by glittery metal?" Ok, not quite as catchy. And my substitution doesn't really echo the De Beers message: "If he really loved you, he'd buy you the most useless, pointless, showy thing he could find, instead of fucking around pretending to enjoy skating just to get you to put out, already."
And just think, it's not even quite Thanksgiving yet. Almost three full months left before Valentine's Day and the end of the If You Really Cared, You'd Buy Her a Ring, Broach, or Necklace, you Cheap Asshole Annual Nag A Thon. As no summer is warm enough to prevent the coming of autumn, no economy is bad enough to cancel the Stupid Season.
Having had enough of this skate-your-way-into-the-sack shit, clumsy doofus guy pulls out a box and hands her the only thing any girl really wants, after all- a piece of rock dug out of the ground by some starving kid in South Africa.
"Now more than ever, you are each other's greatest strength" the disembodied voice-over intones, as we watch the graceful recipient of a shiny stone hug/hold up clumsy, Finally Going to Get Some boyfriend. "The strength of love, forged in a knot."
"Now more than ever.." does the narrator mean "now that you can cross off 'skating' as an activity you enjoy doing together, leaving 'watching tv' and 'having sex' as the only two left?" It sure doesn't mean "during these trying economic times," because seriously, what is it about 10% unemployment that makes this a good time to invest in ancient coal?
"The strength of love, forged in a knot." How about "a shiny stone, surrounded by glittery metal?" Ok, not quite as catchy. And my substitution doesn't really echo the De Beers message: "If he really loved you, he'd buy you the most useless, pointless, showy thing he could find, instead of fucking around pretending to enjoy skating just to get you to put out, already."
And just think, it's not even quite Thanksgiving yet. Almost three full months left before Valentine's Day and the end of the If You Really Cared, You'd Buy Her a Ring, Broach, or Necklace, you Cheap Asshole Annual Nag A Thon. As no summer is warm enough to prevent the coming of autumn, no economy is bad enough to cancel the Stupid Season.
Just Sign and Drive- and pay. And pay. And pay.
I'm going to skip over the obvious snarkable material in these stupid commercials- the Prospective Driver Experiencing Orgasm at Thought of Driving a Volkswagen moment that shows up near the middle, featuring Prospective Driver with incredibly fake, stupid grin on his/her face as he/she cruises down the street in a new, shiny car (and, in one, adjusts the seat so the driver is practically laying down. Why? I don't even want to hazard a guess.) I'd rather focus on the whole "sign and drive" deception, and Volkswagen's habit of treating customers like sheep to be sheared, at best.
One customer after another looks at the gleaming cars in the showroom (someday, I'd like to pick out a car in a Showroom, instead of the Lot.) One customer after another says some version of "tough decision." One way-too-enthusiastic car dealer after another drops a rapid-fire chunk of information including the warranty, gas mileage, etc.- I am not sure what, because I'm too distracted by how nonsensical it is that the dealer is offering standard boilerplate instead of actual specs.
These commercials always end with the potential customer being astounded at the concept of "Sign and Drive." And I don't blame them- whenever I have purchased a car, I SIGNED the contract, and then I would DRIVE the car away. Why is this being sold as something new and revolutionary? It isn't stated outright, but I guess what we are being told here is that no money need be exchanged at the moment of purchase- "all you need is your signature."
To which I have to reply: Big. Fucking. Deal.
This is just another version of the "low lease payment" scam car dealerships have been pulling for years. "Check this out, you can lease this car for only $199 per month! Wow! What a great deal!" Ah, but check the small print- "$2999 due at signing." Yeah, great deal- instead of paying your lease over the course of four years, you've handed the dealership a year and a half worth of payments up front. I suppose that's a great deal for somebody- but it ain't the customer.
I strongly suspect that you are going to pay a very heavy price in exchange for the convenience of "sign and drive." Because you didn't have to write a check today, that monthly bite out of your wallet is going to be extra painful down the road. So you didn't have to come up with two grand before you hit the dealership- you'll pay that money out later, with interest and fees. No one is giving away cars "for just your signature," sorry.
Way to entice people who may be facing financial difficulties and melting bank accounts, Volkswagen. "Don't bring money, we know you're good for it- just sign here!" What they mean is, "Don't pay me now. Just be prepared to bend over later." Happy Holidays from Volkswagen.
One customer after another looks at the gleaming cars in the showroom (someday, I'd like to pick out a car in a Showroom, instead of the Lot.) One customer after another says some version of "tough decision." One way-too-enthusiastic car dealer after another drops a rapid-fire chunk of information including the warranty, gas mileage, etc.- I am not sure what, because I'm too distracted by how nonsensical it is that the dealer is offering standard boilerplate instead of actual specs.
These commercials always end with the potential customer being astounded at the concept of "Sign and Drive." And I don't blame them- whenever I have purchased a car, I SIGNED the contract, and then I would DRIVE the car away. Why is this being sold as something new and revolutionary? It isn't stated outright, but I guess what we are being told here is that no money need be exchanged at the moment of purchase- "all you need is your signature."
To which I have to reply: Big. Fucking. Deal.
This is just another version of the "low lease payment" scam car dealerships have been pulling for years. "Check this out, you can lease this car for only $199 per month! Wow! What a great deal!" Ah, but check the small print- "$2999 due at signing." Yeah, great deal- instead of paying your lease over the course of four years, you've handed the dealership a year and a half worth of payments up front. I suppose that's a great deal for somebody- but it ain't the customer.
I strongly suspect that you are going to pay a very heavy price in exchange for the convenience of "sign and drive." Because you didn't have to write a check today, that monthly bite out of your wallet is going to be extra painful down the road. So you didn't have to come up with two grand before you hit the dealership- you'll pay that money out later, with interest and fees. No one is giving away cars "for just your signature," sorry.
Way to entice people who may be facing financial difficulties and melting bank accounts, Volkswagen. "Don't bring money, we know you're good for it- just sign here!" What they mean is, "Don't pay me now. Just be prepared to bend over later." Happy Holidays from Volkswagen.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Chase Sapphire: Can you imagine a Guy getting away with this Asshattery?
A woman walks into the living room, surprising her husband by wearing a hot new dress. For some reason, this inspires the husband to start talking about their Chase Sapphire Credit Card: "Lets use our points to take a break."
Ok, let's take this in for a moment: Wife shows husband expensive-looking new purchase. First thing husband thinks is "hey, that reminds me, we've got a credit card?"
"We could go on a trip" husband says (cue scene with hubby and wife roaring down the coast on a speedboat- I don't see a "closed course, do not attempt" disclaimer anywhere.)
"No we can't" replies wife.
"Sure we can- we can use the points for just about anything" husband insists.
"I know" replies wife, stepping back to again point out that she's wearing an expensive dress.
Husband smiles- Ah, yes. That's where your Chase Sapphire points went, buddy. Your wife saw something she just Had To Have, and used the points THE TWO OF YOU EARNED to BUY SOMETHING FOR HERSELF.
Kind of an interesting reversal of the usual theme here- Husband is thinking of the fun things they could do as a couple; Wife plays the selfish choad who went out and blew the points without even consulting Husband. Generally, what we see in commercials is Wife/Girlfriend being sensible and Husband/Boyfriend being a clueless, self-centered little prick. This commercial would have fit into the standard if wife/girlfriend had enthused about all the great things they could do with their Chase Sapphire points, only to have husband/boyfriend point at the new Game System he purchased without letting her know. Shrug and eyeroll by wife/girlfriend, commercial over.
Of course, we can't see the husband ticked off at his wife for using THEIR card points to buy something for HERSELF- he just smiles appreciatively, as if she bought the dress for his benefit.
It's strongly implied that even though it's THEIR card, SHE has the final say on how it will be used. Still, I can't help but thinking that if it was the guy tossing cold water on his wife's big plans for a vacation by pointing out that he just bought a new tool bench or the 2010 MLB HD package on Dish Network, her reaction would not have been quite so generous.
One more point- with the unemployment rate hovering above 10% for the first time in 26 years, do we really need a commercial featuring people who spend so much on credit that they've accumulated enough points to buy dresses or go on vacation with? Oh, who am I kidding- we are about to be treated to another two months of "Show your Loved One that you Care by giving them a Lexus with a Red Ribbon on it" commericals. Compared to those, this credit card commercial is downright enjoyable. Like a toothache is enjoyable compared to a migraine.
Ok, let's take this in for a moment: Wife shows husband expensive-looking new purchase. First thing husband thinks is "hey, that reminds me, we've got a credit card?"
"We could go on a trip" husband says (cue scene with hubby and wife roaring down the coast on a speedboat- I don't see a "closed course, do not attempt" disclaimer anywhere.)
"No we can't" replies wife.
"Sure we can- we can use the points for just about anything" husband insists.
"I know" replies wife, stepping back to again point out that she's wearing an expensive dress.
Husband smiles- Ah, yes. That's where your Chase Sapphire points went, buddy. Your wife saw something she just Had To Have, and used the points THE TWO OF YOU EARNED to BUY SOMETHING FOR HERSELF.
Kind of an interesting reversal of the usual theme here- Husband is thinking of the fun things they could do as a couple; Wife plays the selfish choad who went out and blew the points without even consulting Husband. Generally, what we see in commercials is Wife/Girlfriend being sensible and Husband/Boyfriend being a clueless, self-centered little prick. This commercial would have fit into the standard if wife/girlfriend had enthused about all the great things they could do with their Chase Sapphire points, only to have husband/boyfriend point at the new Game System he purchased without letting her know. Shrug and eyeroll by wife/girlfriend, commercial over.
Of course, we can't see the husband ticked off at his wife for using THEIR card points to buy something for HERSELF- he just smiles appreciatively, as if she bought the dress for his benefit.
It's strongly implied that even though it's THEIR card, SHE has the final say on how it will be used. Still, I can't help but thinking that if it was the guy tossing cold water on his wife's big plans for a vacation by pointing out that he just bought a new tool bench or the 2010 MLB HD package on Dish Network, her reaction would not have been quite so generous.
One more point- with the unemployment rate hovering above 10% for the first time in 26 years, do we really need a commercial featuring people who spend so much on credit that they've accumulated enough points to buy dresses or go on vacation with? Oh, who am I kidding- we are about to be treated to another two months of "Show your Loved One that you Care by giving them a Lexus with a Red Ribbon on it" commericals. Compared to those, this credit card commercial is downright enjoyable. Like a toothache is enjoyable compared to a migraine.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Blackstone Gold Brokers: Champions of the Non Sequitur
Here we go again with another of these "Invest your hard-earned money on the theory that the United States economy is on the verge of collapse" commercials. This one is from some company called Blackstone International, and it always leaves me scratching my head and wondering who decided to fire the editor before the final product was approved.
Testimonial #1: "I decided to take some of my IRA and buy gold from Blackstone International. Gold has increased 250% in the last eight years. My gold investment rose from $75,000 to $89,000. I am very happy with Blackstone International."
Um, say what? $75,000 to $89,000 is not an increase of 250%. It's an increase of just under 20%. Assuming that the price of gold HAS risen 250% in eight years, this woman clearly did not make her investment eight years ago. So, what's the point of telling us that the price of gold has risen 250% in eight years? What's the significance of an eight-year period, anyway? It's been eight years since 9/11- is that it? Wouldn't it have been equally relevant to tell us how much gold has increased in the last eighty years, or eight hundred?
Testimonial #2- "I bought my gold from Blackstone International. I wouldn't be surprised to see gold hit $2000 an ounce in the near future. Blackstone International is a company I can trust."
What is this, Haiku Day on the radio? What does buying gold from Blackstone International have to do with what the price of gold will do in the future? Why do I care what this guy's personal prediction is about the price of gold? Is he telling me that if I buy gold from some other company, the price of gold might NOT reach $2000 an ounce? Why do gold broker commercials make my head hurt so much?
More to the point, why don't these commercials just cut to the chase and urge us to bet against the American Economy, because the best news for people who invest in gold is the complete collapse of the world financial markets, followed by depression and unprecedented human misery? Maybe they think that would be too much of a downer?
Life is good for the gold brokers these days, though: they've made enough money to buy off pretty much every radio yakker on the planet, regardless of political ideology. Now maybe they could use just a little of that money to make a few decent commercials with logical, coherent messages, instead of ones featuring people who are apparently happy to spout whatever happens to pop into their heads while the recorder is running.
Testimonial #1: "I decided to take some of my IRA and buy gold from Blackstone International. Gold has increased 250% in the last eight years. My gold investment rose from $75,000 to $89,000. I am very happy with Blackstone International."
Um, say what? $75,000 to $89,000 is not an increase of 250%. It's an increase of just under 20%. Assuming that the price of gold HAS risen 250% in eight years, this woman clearly did not make her investment eight years ago. So, what's the point of telling us that the price of gold has risen 250% in eight years? What's the significance of an eight-year period, anyway? It's been eight years since 9/11- is that it? Wouldn't it have been equally relevant to tell us how much gold has increased in the last eighty years, or eight hundred?
Testimonial #2- "I bought my gold from Blackstone International. I wouldn't be surprised to see gold hit $2000 an ounce in the near future. Blackstone International is a company I can trust."
What is this, Haiku Day on the radio? What does buying gold from Blackstone International have to do with what the price of gold will do in the future? Why do I care what this guy's personal prediction is about the price of gold? Is he telling me that if I buy gold from some other company, the price of gold might NOT reach $2000 an ounce? Why do gold broker commercials make my head hurt so much?
More to the point, why don't these commercials just cut to the chase and urge us to bet against the American Economy, because the best news for people who invest in gold is the complete collapse of the world financial markets, followed by depression and unprecedented human misery? Maybe they think that would be too much of a downer?
Life is good for the gold brokers these days, though: they've made enough money to buy off pretty much every radio yakker on the planet, regardless of political ideology. Now maybe they could use just a little of that money to make a few decent commercials with logical, coherent messages, instead of ones featuring people who are apparently happy to spout whatever happens to pop into their heads while the recorder is running.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
You Get What You Pay For
Look, I don't like the idea of paying for checked baggage. I think it's a real pound-foolish way for airlines to try to squeeze every last buck out of the flying public. Maybe it's because of the sticker shock- we went from No Fees to $25 or more per bag, virtually overnight. Or maybe it's because of the behavior the extra fee has created- hordes of self-absorbed jackasses trying to jam every manner of garment bag, suitcase, dufflebag and What Have You into the overhead compartment or the seat in front of them, leaving you to stand like an idiot in the aisle wondering if you are going to be allowed to get to your seat before the plane starts to roll (Seriously- the things some people think are appropriate "carry-ons"....Jesus.....)
But I think I would rather pay the extra charge than have the type of people Southwest Airlines apparently employs handling my bags for free. In one commercial, we are supposed to think it's funny that a few of them are reminiscing about their favorite bags, and moaning how sad it is to see them fly off to parts unknown (the commercial is supposed to make us think "Sentimental, Funny." I can't help but think "Pathetic, Loser.") In the one I just saw, these bottom-feeders are competing for the title of Biggest Moron in the Airport by yelling "FREE! FREE! Bags fly FREE!" and laughing like little children in the process. One guy even "sings" "Frreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" (He should meet the Maxwell House "Freeeeeeesssssshhhh!" jackass.)
I thought the "It's On" campaign was bad enough (one of the "Its On" commercials features everyone's favorite frequent flier, the It's All About Me businessman who doesn't shut his laptop and board the plane until the last possible second, holding the rest of us lesser mortals up with his asshattery.) But these are worse, because they want us to think it's charming to watch underpaid unskilled labor perform like trained seals while celebrating the decisions passed down from Corporate and which benefit them not the slightest.
If I want to watch impoverished cogs in an industrial machine blather on about how great "their" company is, I'll pay more attention to those Honey Bunches of O's commercials, where all the workers sit around spending half their days eating the cereal they "supervise" as it's poured into boxes. Ugh.
But I think I would rather pay the extra charge than have the type of people Southwest Airlines apparently employs handling my bags for free. In one commercial, we are supposed to think it's funny that a few of them are reminiscing about their favorite bags, and moaning how sad it is to see them fly off to parts unknown (the commercial is supposed to make us think "Sentimental, Funny." I can't help but think "Pathetic, Loser.") In the one I just saw, these bottom-feeders are competing for the title of Biggest Moron in the Airport by yelling "FREE! FREE! Bags fly FREE!" and laughing like little children in the process. One guy even "sings" "Frreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" (He should meet the Maxwell House "Freeeeeeesssssshhhh!" jackass.)
I thought the "It's On" campaign was bad enough (one of the "Its On" commercials features everyone's favorite frequent flier, the It's All About Me businessman who doesn't shut his laptop and board the plane until the last possible second, holding the rest of us lesser mortals up with his asshattery.) But these are worse, because they want us to think it's charming to watch underpaid unskilled labor perform like trained seals while celebrating the decisions passed down from Corporate and which benefit them not the slightest.
If I want to watch impoverished cogs in an industrial machine blather on about how great "their" company is, I'll pay more attention to those Honey Bunches of O's commercials, where all the workers sit around spending half their days eating the cereal they "supervise" as it's poured into boxes. Ugh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)