They're both thinking, 'this has to work, 'cause I'm not going through this shit again.'

Match.com commercial- cute blonde girl is staring at herself in the lady's room mirror, checking her teeth for food particles. Narrator: "She's thinking, 'this date is going really well.'"

Average-looking guy is staring at himself in the men's room mirror, picking at his limp hair. Narrator: "He's thinking, 'what is with my hair?'"

Cute girl and average guy synchronize their exits from the restrooms perfectly- and fall into a passionate kiss. Right there- right in front of the lavatories. How romantic.

Narrator: "They are both thinking, 'this is the beginning.'"

Ugh, Ugh! Where to start? First- from "this date is going really well," I think it's fair to assume that this is their first date. They've just eaten at a restaurant. During the meal, they probably got to know each other a little bit- common interests, hobbies, some insight to what drove them to risk utter humiliation and emotional ruin by signing up with Match.com, etc.- and they seem to have some level of chemistry. Yes, it's going really well.

But I'm sorry- no first date carried out by ordinary human beings includes a fall-into-eachother's-arms-in-front-of-the-restroom passionate kiss. One of these people is the kisser, the other is the kissee. The kissee got what may or may not be a nice surprise. The kisser just announced how desperate he or she is to make this the Beginning of not A long-term relationship, but THE long-term relationship. The LAST one. EVER.

That kiss just screams "I'm done looking. There's nothing after Match.com. It's the Supreme Court of dating- the final say. If this doesn't work out, I die alone. I'm not dying alone. So here's your lip-lock. Consider yourself Mine." Scary.

In real life sane, rational people don't make a "ok, this is it, let's go pick out rings tomorrow" gesture during a first date. Unless they are my former students ;>).

(Sorry, inside joke there.)

"Anything" doesn't mean what it used to

Here's a nice young couple, gushing over their new little bundle of joy. Clearly, she's the center of their life. But just in case we aren't convinced by the playing and the beaming smiles, proud daddy tells us that "we'd do anything for Cloe. That's why we went to Legal Zoom."

Jesus, Seriously? Your only child is so important to you that in order to protect her future you went to some website for legal documents? You really thought that this action was above and beyond the alternative- actually sitting down with a real human being with property and family law degrees and having a serious discussion about how to protect Cloe in the event of a tragedy that may cost her the support of one or both parents?

"Anything for Cloe" meant downloading One Size Fits All legal documents and just assuming that Mommy and Daddy know what the hell they are doing when they sign here and initial there?

Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems to me that "anything for Cloe" might include taking her financial security seriously enough to discuss it with a qualified attorney, even if it does cost a few extra bucks. But what do I know? These people probably think that buying Brand X diapers at Wal-Mart constitutes going the extra mile for Cloe, too. "No Target diapers for our daughter, thank you very much. Nothing is too good for her!" Weird.

Time to part the fools and their money again

It's January again, which means that W-2 forms are filling mailboxes and millions of people are once again confronted with the Great American Dilemma: "how do I get my refund?"

Which means it's time for another rash of "Let us prepare your tax returns for you" ads, aimed primarily at the expanding population of low-income, paycheck-to-paycheck workers who are most likely to welcome a quick refund- in fact, may be relying on it to maintain a roof over their heads. That these tax-preparation agencies- which I will not mention by name, because they have a lot of money and I don't need the headache- target the most vulnerable among us makes them loathsome enough. That their ads feature grinning morons waving fans of cash in our faces make them even worse.

Here's the latest:

Gullible Moron: "I don't got my W-2 form yet."
Narrator: "No problem! We'll download it for you!"

Gullible Moron: "How much money I gonna get?"
Narrator: "We can give you an estimate within minutes!"

Gullible Moron: "When I gonna get my money?"
Narrator: "With our refund advance service, we can put the money in your hands the same day you come in!"

Cue delighted Gullible Moron driving off waving fan of cash- yay! That was so fast and convenient! These people were so nice, so helpful!

Except, let's get serious. Want your W-2 downloaded? That's going to cost you some money. Want an estimate of your refund? That's going to cost you some money. Want the money right now? There's no such thing as a "refund advance." The tax preparer who offers this is giving you a percentage of your expected refund- minus interest, minus fees, etc.- and taking advantage of what is either cluelessness on your part, or just plain desperation. When you drive off waving a fan of cash, you really ought to suppress the smile, because there's no reason to be happy about being financially abused by a company that specializes in kicking people when they are down.

These people are not being nice. They are not being helpful. They are being vultures, except that vultures actually provide an essential service by keeping nature free of disease-spreading carrion. So I'll just call them scumbags instead, and continue to wish that Congress would pass a law abolishing the "services" they "offer."

Chemistry.com- I mean, How hard can this be?

The guy on the latest Chemistry.com commercial really cracks me up with his matter-of-fact dismissive tone toward the "competing" blind date (excuse me, "life partner-finding") websites.

"This site guaranteed that they'd help me find my soul mate. But if they were so sure, why'd they insist that I sign up for a whole year?"

Jesus, great point, buddy. Because we aren't talking about investment sites or fantasy baseball here. It's just paying someone to find the person you should plan on spending the rest of your natural life with. It's not rocket science- why should it potentially take an entire YEAR?

Come to think of it, what's with these monthly fees? If these sites are so great, why should it take them an entire MONTH to hook you up with the woman of your dreams? I can get a latte at Starbucks in (slightly) less time than that! I mean, you GIVE them your weight, height, and a page or so of personal information- why doesn't the name of the girl you are going to be sharing your life with just pop up as soon as you submit it? Rip off artists!!

This guy is just too much. But maybe I can help him out here: Maybe the other match sites realize that people who have given up hope finding someone by conventional means- you know, through family, friends, work, school, stalk-- um, school-- might require a FEW hits and misses over several months before they find someone willing to be with them more than once or twice (even if the pool of people being culled for you is made up of hopeless, socially disfunctional twits who have also decided that they'd rather let a computer program throw them together with someone than risk dying alone.) Just a thought.

And here's one more- how pathetic is this guy, who is willing to spend money to let strangers match him up with other losers, but not too much money over a period of time? "Sure, I'm willing to spend twenty dollars to find my dream girl in the next month- but $240 over the next year? No way."

As someone who decided quite some time ago that he'd rather die alone than submit to E-Harmony, Match.com, or any of the other soulless "dating sites" which specialize primarily in separating sad people from their money, I guess I should have a bit more empathy for this guy. Except that, in the end, he does sign up with Chemistry.com. So he's not just a loser- he's an impatient, cheap loser.

What a great catch- I can't believe he's still out there!

Loathsome People, Unsupportable Claims

1. Gigantic weird geek doofus tell us that Windows 7 was "his idea." His proof? Well, turns out he was standing in the shower one day (wearing his glasses, because if he takes them off in the shower like every single person on the planet who wears glasses does, we might forget for a moment that he's a weird geek doofus) suddenly gets a brainstorm- "Make It Simpler."

Wow, what a brilliant "idea." Make it simpler. How does Microsoft go about "making it simpler?" Doesn't say. Seems he's the idea guy, not the application guy. After all, you can't expect too much from a guy smart enough to come up with the brilliant plan to "make Windows simpler" but not smart enough to take his damned glasses off while in the shower.

To ratchet up the Geek factor, the guy's wife tells us "he called his mom." To ratchet up the Weird factor, the guy's wife is roughly one-third the geek's height. I mean, what the hell? Did this guy's ego pierce his pituitary gland? Is his commercial "co-star" three feet tall?

2. Here's a fat, middle-aged choad who tells us that no, actually, Windows 7 was his idea. Proof? Well, he suddenly had this brainstorm that this laptop (the one he's carrying) really ought to work with this laptop (the one sitting on his kitchen table) which also ought to work with this laptop (the one being used by a kid I take as his son, who is sitting in a sunken living room in front of a 60-inch plasma tv.) "I don't want to brag" he tells us, "but hey, it's my house!"

Jesus, it's not enough that you can afford a palatial suburban estate, complete with at least three brand-new laptops and a tv bigger than the one at my neighborhood multiplex, you've got to claim to be the inventor of Windows 7, too?

Let's cut to the chase, shall we? "Make it simpler" is not really a patentable concept. Neither is "make it work with other technology." And if "I'm giving myself credit for something I didn't do" is patentable, it's been done already, many, many times over.

"I'm a PC, and Windows 7 was my idea." Good luck with that. I notice you don't claim that these commercials were your idea. And I don't blame you. Because they are really stupid.

And on the Sixth Day, G-d Created Debt Counselors.

The latest VISA commercial takes us back to a bygone age, an age before people carried pieces of plastic representing thousands of dollars in potential debt in their pockets, an age where people only bought what they could afford, and saved for the rest.

You know, the Dark Ages.

"Once upon a time, there was a thing called paper money..." yes indeed there was. When you had it, you decided whether you wanted to save it, or spend it. You created things called "budgets." If you are like me, you were handed a little blue book from your local bank when you were in first grade which had a quote from William Jennings Bryan on the cover- something about the words "We Cannot Afford It" being the most valuable in the English language. You brought your bank book and a dollar into school every day and it was put into a pile with the bank books of your friends. When you got the book back, you were thrilled to see the bank's stamp next to your deposit amount, and your eyes glowed at the increasing balance and the magic of Interest.

Thank goodness, those horrible days ultimately gave away to the glorious era of "Digital Currency." Watch now as everyone scans and swipes their way through life, so much more convenient than messing with that ugly, dirty old paper. As the Medieval Period gave way to the Renaissance, so did the days of carrying hard-earned cash (or even checks representing money you actually had in your account) give way to the era of taking out a Digital Loan every time you buy a pack of cigarettes or a roll of TP. And it's so much better now!

After all, using your own money to buy things is really overrated. I've noticed that you can buy much more if you use VISA's "Digital Currency," simply because VISA as more money than I do! And they are so happy to let us borrow it, why would anyone EVER use their own money, ever again?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to look into stopping these Harassing Phone Calls...

Owen Wilson's Brother's Lame Bait and Switch

Here he is again, everyone's favorite AT&T shill, that guy whose brother played Hansel in Zoolander and some tiny cowboy dude in two Night at the Museum flicks. This time, Owen Wilson's brother is standing under a huge map which I guess has become the phone company's new logo, "popping up" in front of big-screen tvs, in malls, etc. etc. Hoping that the commercial audience is distracted by the safety hazard hanging over Owen's brother, Owen's brother delivers a spectacularly illogical answer to Verizon's "charge" that it covers more people and more places than AT&T:

"Verizon's been telling people that they provide more coverage than AT&T. But when you look closer, their story really doesn't hold together." Bits of the giant map over Owen's brother begin to fall off. "Doesn't hold together"- Get It?

"But lets take a look at the facts. AT&T covers more than 230 million people. With AT&T, you can talk and surf the web at the same time. And, AT&T has the coolest phones."

The rest of the map collapses all around Owen's brother. "I'm glad I could clear that up."

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Non Sequitur Theatre! Despite the giant map and the crashing red marble things coming down, I couldn't help but notice that the magician never did manage to pull the rabbit out of the hat at the end of the ad. Owen's brother pretends to take on the charge against Verizon- then changes the subject. AT&T covers more than 230 million people- is that more than Verizon? Mr. Wilson doesn't say. Does Verizon claim that it's phones allow you to surf the web and talk at the same time? No. Does Verizon claim to have the "coolest phones?" Well, maybe, but isn't "coolest" kind of a subjective term?

What Verizon did claim was that it provided more coverage in more places- and Owen Wilson's brother never even attempts to dispute this claim. He just dismisses it by pointing out the attributes of the cool, web-surfing AT&T phones. Total fail.

Let's try this on for size:

"You know, my neighbor says his car gets better gas mileage than mine does. I'd like to set the record straight. My car gets great gas mileage. Also, it's blue, and has XM radio. I'm glad I could clear that up for you."

Maybe I should just give this guy a break. I mean, its got to be tough to be the lesser-talented Wilson brother. Especially when it's becoming increasingly clear that My Super Ex-Girlfriend II doesn't appear to becoming to a theater near me anytime soon.

Maybe Owen will let you hand him his spurs in Night at the Museum III?