Give me a break- It's a USED CAR

What is it with Mercedes-Benz? All of their commercials attempt to convince us that their Used cars are something more than Used cars. The word "used" is never uttered in any of their ads- instead, we hear the laughingly wordy substitute "Certified Pre-Owned Vehicles."

"Certified Pre-Owned?" Doesn't that translate into "we guarantee in writing that this car was originally purchased and driven by at least one other person?" Well, that's pretty special- the next time I buy a used car, I want it to come with a Certificate of Pre-Ownership. The scratches, dents, worn carpeting and odometer reading just isn't going to cut it for me anymore- I want a CERTIFICATE telling me that someone else used to make payments on this thing!

In this particularly annoying Mercedez-Benz commercial, a little girl is musing about how she will someday own the car she's being driven to kindergarten in- "and when this is MY car, I'M not letting kids put their feet up on the seat!" Oh, please. First of all, I'm sure it's every little kid's dream to inherit a 20-year old car which was Used (sorry, "Pre-Owned") when her PARENTS bought it. Second, this kid is so fixated on the car that she's already creating rules she'll be imposing on her non-existent children when her parents hand it off to her?

(There's another commercial- I'm not sure it's for Mercedez-Benz- where a little brat in the back seat grunts and shakes his head until Daddy agrees to the Deluxe Car Wash option, because after all, it will be Little Brat's car in a dozen years or so, and that makes it necessary to give it an expensive bath now.....somehow....)

But I digress from my main point- I don't care if it's a 2009 Mercedes-Benz, a 2003 Honda Civic, or a 1977 Gremlin. If it had a previous owner, it's a USED CAR. Not "Certified Pre-Owned." USED. Get off your pedestal, you pompous blowhards.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish off the Pre-Cooked Dinner in my refrigerator. Maybe you eat leftovers, but I'm too good for that.

The Super Bowl Ads- Just a few quick thoughts, to start with

My plan had been to blog during the Super Bowl; naturally I was knocked offline and I couldn't get back on until this morning. Funny how that happens during high-traffic days- the last two days I had great difficulty getting online were Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanks for the "service," Comcast.

I guess I could "upgrade" to "Lightning Fast High-Speed Connectivity" with Comcast, that would solve my connection problems, right? OH WAIT- I tried to do that, last fall- and three futile visits from a "technician" later, gave up and spent a Saturday morning driving out to the 'burbs to return their ineffectual modem.

Again- thanks for the "service," Comcast.

So now I'll have to catch up on my blogging, as I see the Super Bowl ads repeated over the next several weeks. Today I'll just make a few broad observations on what I saw as the main themes pushed upon us by the ad wizards this year:

1. Men in Underwear. I counted at least three separate commercials - including one especially loathsome spot mocking office "casual days" by showing us a parade of pale, dumpy men walking around sans trousers- featuring men walking around in their underwear. I really wish the guys who write these things would leave their personal issues for the therapists to deal with, and stop inflicting them on us innocent viewers.

2. Men as pussy-whipped dish rags- I hate that term "pussy-whipped," but I can't think of an appropriate alternative. I saw at least one commercial whose theme was "you've lost your soul to the dominant female in your household, do something about it"- I think the message was that, as a guy, you can do the dishes, spend days shopping for lingerie (underwear again!) etc. but if you want to retain any shred of self-respect, you'd BETTER drive a Man-Car, and drive it FAST. (The "Do not Attempt" disclaimer makes no sense in a commercial that warns you that your manhood is at stake if you don't do what we advise. To hell with the small print, I'm flooring this sucker!)

3. A continuation of Bud Lite's "morbid obsession with beer is funny" ad campaign. Men screaming with delight at the mere mention of beer. Men willing- hell, determined- to stay for a Baby Shower because gleaming bottles of Bud Lite are being served. A house made out of beer bottles and cans, gradually demolished by a horde of pathetic guests who really need to call AA. An entire town of hopeless drunks willing to create a bridge with their bodies so that the beer truck can get into town (that commercial was both creative and SAD.) We get it, Budweiser- Beer is the very Stuff of Life. And it's so rare, one must grab for it at every opportunity, displaying huge eyes and gaping mouth as one does so.

By the way, the moment the game was over, I switched over to ESPN, where within seconds I was treated to a Wheaties Commercial featuring Peyton Manning throwing footballs in a wheat field and repeating to himself "make the play." Priceless!

Sometimes, It's all in the timing

Don't you love it when the guy who schedules the commercials shows a sense of humor?

Commercial #1- we see several people composing love sonnets to their Big Mac Wraps. One guy tells his meat-stuffed, greasy pita that "you look different, but I feel like I've known you all my life." A girl draped over a sheet for a picnic coos to her sandwich "I just want to eat you up." Another girl simply sighs "I LOVE YOU" as she gazes adoringly at the oily object of her affections.

Commercial #2, immediately following Commercial #1-- an ad for Match.com, in which several people tell us what they were looking for in a soul mate, and how Match.com helped them find that Special Someone, At Last.

The only way this could have worked out better is if they had used the same people from Commercial #1 in Commercial #2, and given them lines like "I thought that all I really needed in my life was a pile of grilled hamburger meat, flavored mayo and iceberg lettuce jammed into a cone of flat bread. Then I learned about Match.com and this 'meeting other humans' thing. Really changed my life- and I've lost weight, too!"

More likely, the people in Commercial #1 are the sad ruins of the people in Commercial #2, reduced by a year of failed experiments in dating arranged by Match.com to giving up on ever meeting someone, and settling for brief but far more satisfying relationships with fast food.

Just wait they find out that Big Mac Wraps are available Only For a Limited Time. More evidence that you should never get too close to anyone or anything, because they will always let you down in the end.

1-800-WTF Was THAT??

Guy gives his wife/girlfriend/whatever a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. She instantly breaks down sobbing.

Wife: "I....I.....(gasp, sob).."

Confused husband/boyfriend: "Um...don't you like it?"

Wife: "I...I...(gasp, sob, tears rolling down face)...I am so happy! It makes me feel all (sob) warm and fuzzy inside!" And we see the WEIRDEST thing I've seen in a commercial for a long time- what looks like a powder puff from a cosmetics case except it's glowing and has eyes, a mouth and a nose, standing near the flowers. What the hell?

Husband continues to look confused. Join the club, buddy.

Wife: "I...LOVE IT!" And the commercial is over, except for the disembodied voice telling us to call 1-800-Flowers to order our own slobbery, overly-emotional Significant Other her own dozen roses which, judging from this commercial, may or may not come with a little glowing loofah.

Unless this is just Part I of a series of commercials featuring this couple (or is it a threesome?), I have to say that this spot completely stumps me. Why is this woman bawling throughout the ad- has any grown person really reacted to getting roses this way? Is she all choked up because she's actually allergic to the roses, or to the little glowing thing that only she can see? (Hey, maybe that is the problem- this woman has recently been released from an asylum, where she had been committed after being tortured for years by hallucinations featuring tiny flower pot-dwelling gremlins, and now she realizes that The Visions have returned. The problem with this theory is that the woman says "I love IT," which suggests to me that she's looking right past the flowers and at the animated cotton boll. And that she likes what she sees.)

Or maybe- just maybe- this commercial is the Lamest Trailer of All Time. I wish I were kidding, but we are told at the very end of the ad that 1-800 Flowers supplies "the official flowers of Valentine's Day- The Movie." God Help Us All.

How you know this is a really, really bad movie

Sometimes, you can tell from the trailers. If it's a comedy, and the gag revealed in the trailer is just plain unfunny, you know the film is going to be awful, because you assume that they pick the "best" gag for the ad. If it's a romance, and the ad features a scene with the male lead holding the female lead's face in his hands or the line "I have to learn to trust again" or "I'll always be there for you," the movie is really, really bad.

And sometimes, though not often, the ad makers come right out and tell you the movie sucks. Take this new film, When in Rome, for example. Within seconds, we can see it's just another Dust off Screenplay, Change Names and Location, and Release into Theatres Forgotten-in-Five-Minutes waste of celluloid. Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, Boy finds Girl, Boy dies in tragic blimp accident over the Rose Bowl (ok, that last part is lifted from Police Squad, but you get the idea.) But here's where we are informed that this particular film lacks even the smallest modicum of entertainment value- at the very close of the ad, the screen is filled with rave reviews- "Marvelous!" "I loved it!" "Terrific!" "Stole my heart!"

Who wrote these reviews? Look closer, and you'll see that among the well-known reviewers giving their thumbs up to this mess are "Amy G" and "Maurissa K" and "Sue T"-- basically the same people who show up at 2 am to tell us that they made BIG MONEY with John Commuta's Turn Debt into Wealth system and just ADORE their new Snuggies.

I've seen positive reviews from REAL PEOPLE for The Phantom Menace, 50 First Dates, and Click. That means that it's pretty damn easy to find SOME reviewer SOMEWHERE to give three stars to anything more entertaining than the Emergency Broadcast System. That the makers of When In Rome had to resort to the kind of fake testimonials usually reserved to buyers of Total Gym and Jack LaLane's Juicers tells you everything you need to know about the film- and it's nothing good. Thanks for the tip, Laurie P of Des Moines!

Does Matthews even watch his own show?

I hate it when people attempt to make commercials for their own tv "news" shows. They are always so incredibly self-important, and I never fail to marvel at their almost unnerving ability to blow their own horns. But no one on television can spread the Check Out How Amazing I Am bullshit like aging MSNBC bloviating talking head Chris Matthews.

"I think I'm unique in this business, in that I really enjoy a good argument" Matthews begins. Oh, PLEASE!! Anyone who has ever watched Hardball knows what Matthews thinks a "good argument" is: It's Matthews asking a question, interrupting the answer three seconds later to add to the question or repeat it, interrupting five seconds later to restate the question, and finally interrupting five seconds later to answer it himself. Matthews asks questions for one reason and one reason only-to hear himself talk. Getting the answer from the guest? Not important.

"I especially love it when I Outsmart somebody." To Matthews, "outsmart" means "outtalk." It means interrupting, changing the subject when things aren't going the host's way, and getting in the last word (which is unsurprisingly easy when you are the host of the show.) Anyone who has watched Matthews over the years knows that he couldn't "outsmart" a box turtle.

"What I love most is when someone tries something that's worked on someone else, and it doesn't work on me. And I nail 'em. I love that." I've never seen this in perhaps a thousand viewings of Matthews' various shows over the last decade or more. Unless "nailing 'em" means "Oh Come On!" or "I don't believe it!" or "ok, that's your opinion!" I suspect it does- which helps me understand why Matthews clearly thinks that he's always by far the smartest man in the room. The bar to "winning an argument" is set so very low.

Here's what you really need to know about Chris Matthews: He was a huge cheerleader for the Iraq War, which he now calls a debacle and anyone who supported it a fool. He has suffered in the past from very public and disgusting man-crushes on George W Bush, Mitt Romney, and others, obsessed with shoulder width ("you could land an airliner on Mitt's shoulders!") and successful play-acting ("Bush looked AWESOME and so MANLY in the flight suit, men love that, he looked like he REALLY COULD fly that fighter!") He is obsessed with Hillary Clinton and is always ready for a quick Bill Clinton snark, no context necessary. He enjoys waxing poetic about times that never were, when "tough Irish boys and tough Italian boys played stick ball on the streets and grew up to be police on the beat, and Mayors." He's a failed politician who I KNOW continues to fantasize about himself in the White House, and is bitter toward people who succeeded in achieving HIS boyhood dream. And he's the only person on television who thinks that "brokered conventions" are still political possibilities and that having worked on Capital Hill thirty years ago gives him some kind of current "inside knowledge" to how things "really work up there."

In short, he's a loud-mouthed, rude, witless punk whose time came and went roughly twenty years ago, and his abrasive asshattery comes through loud and clear in his ads. He needs to just STFU and go the hell away.

Oh, and Chris? Take Joe Scarborough with you. Please.

Miller Lite: It wasn't funny when Fonzie did this, it sure as hell isn't funny 30 years later

A twentysomething guy with the requisite moused hair and two-days beard growth (seriously, when is this fad going to end? It's been YEARS since I've seen a guy under the age of 40 with a clean-shaven face on a tv commercial) is sitting with a cute girl in a bar. He's finishing some story involving "a bag full of monkeys"- whatever.

Then the cute girl springs it on him- "there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I love you." Did she decide that Tonight was the Night she was finally going to let him know? Did the Bag of Monkeys story remind her that she loves this guy? Who knows? The point is, we now get to the hideous punchline- the guy responds by attempting to return the sentiment, but he can't get the word "love" past this lips. "Well, I luhhh.....I luhhh...I mean, come on, look at you you're gorgeous, I luhhhhh....."

Naturally his date just looks on quizzically, waiting for him to spit it out, once even muttering "you're so cute!"- I assume because she thinks he's kidding. He's not kidding.

"Would you like another Miller Lite?" asks the waitress. "I'd Love One" the guy easily responds.

Oh ha ha ha, this is BEYOND funny. This guy is terrified of commitment, get it? He can't say the word "Love" to his girlfriend, because that means the relationship has become serious. He can only use the word "love" in reference to beer- and, I'm assuming, buffalo wings, Avatar, fantasy football, and his new Droid.

When I was a kid, there was this show on television called "Happy Days." Henry Winkler played Arthur Fonzerelli, who started as a rather ancillary character but gradually came to dominate the show, ultimately ruining it. Late in it's run, it included a regular bit involving "Fonzie" attempting to say "I was Wrong"- and being incapable of getting the word "Wrong" out of his mouth. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn't. Not even once, and certainly not the fourteenth time we saw it.

Miller Lite- not that you need to be told that you are out of ideas, but- when you reach back four decades for a joke, you are really, really out of ideas. How about just telling us it's good beer, and settling for that?

Oh right- those pesky Truth in Advertising Laws. My bad.