Fortunately, anyone who has been watching commercials for more than a few years must by now be completely indoctrinated into "men are bizarre, incomprehensible idiot slobs" theme, and therefore won't take too much offense at Budweiser's latest "look at these stupid, ragged weirdos and how they greet each other" ad.
"There have been many versions of the Social Greeting over the years." Has there now? I'm stuck in the 18th century, I guess, because I still greet people of the same sex with a handshake. Maybe it's my famous Vermont-bred fastidiousness.
"The Fist Bump was fun, for a while." Really? "The Low Five. The Chest Bump" (Seriously? I've never seen two guys who weren't already drunk out of their skulls chest bump each other.) "The Bro Hug Double Back Tap Combo" (now we know Budweiser is just making crap up.)
It goes on. "The Forearm Grab." "The Head Butt." "The Outlaw" (pretending to shoot the guy you are greeting. Oh sure, I've seen that done, many many times. And by 'many, many times,' I mean Never, of course.)
Finally, we get to the point of the commercial- Budweiser unveiling the new, socially acceptable greeting- people banging glasses and bottles of Budweiser together. Oh, goody! If this becomes popular, we can expect bars and restaurants to get a lot louder. And a lot stupider.
But I'm not too worried about it. My guess is that this ad was created by the same creative team of geniuses who brought us "Five Dollar Foot Longs" last winter, and within a week or so were trying to tell us that the "Five Dollar Foot Long" jingle had taken the nation by storm, and that everyone was doing it. (Everyone cool, I mean.) Oddly, this craze is in very little evidence in my neck of the woods- I'm sure that the DC suburbs are just a tiny island of the terminally Uncool, and if I just traveled beyond my immediate surroundings I would find people singing "Five Dollar! Five Dollar! Five Dollar Foot Longs!" in the streets of every other town in the country. And since I clearly live in a Dead Zone for social phenomenons, I expect that I will continue to see people shaking hands and occasionally hugging their greetings, the clueless philistines.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
My guess is, this date is NOT "The Beginning."
Here's a nice couple sitting at a table at TGI Fridays. The female is a chirpy, toothy little thing who throughout the commercial is WAY too excited to be at this chain restaurant. The guy is an average-looking, balding, dumpy doofus who is way too interested in keeping this date within the parameters of a pretty damned tight budget.
"I'll have the Green Bean fries" this woman practically squeaks at the waitress. "Ah, a light eater!" her miserly prick of a date thought-bubbles approvingly.
"For the entree, I'll have the Sizzling Chicken" she continues. Now her date is suddenly alarmed- "Entree?" Clearly, he didn't count on this. He figured he'd get this girl in and out of this restaurant with the spare change from his car's ashtray.
"And for desert, I'll have the Cheesecake!" our heroine concludes, showing all 32 teeth and a beaming smile that gives the impression that being brought to TGI Friday's is the Greatest Experience of Her Life. At this point, The Guy Who Will Get the Damage is nearing his own breaking point- "Dessert?? What does she think I am, a bank???" I'm not kidding.
Then the guy notices the "Three Course Meal for Only $12.99" label on the front of the menu. Oh, thank goodness! This isn't going to break him! "I'll have the same" he informs the waitress, earning a dimple-filled gushy smile of delight from the girl- seriously, it does NOT take much to send this woman into spasms of ecstasy, does it?
Apparently, this guy invited this girl to dinner hoping that she would say "no." Once she said "yes," he hoped that she would order a side salad and a glass of water, and then offer to cover the tip. In other words, he's a cheap bastard who suffered waves of intestinal agony at the thought of shelling out $20-$30 on something as inconsequential as a date with a cute girl.
Apparently also, this guy doesn't eat at TGI Friday's very often. TGI Friday's is exactly the kind of place you take a date when you aren't sure if you really like the person you are escorting all that much, and don't want to drop a wad of dough on something that might not pan out. Olive Garden is too cheap, Ruth's Chris is too upscale. You go to TGI Friday's because you know it's pretty damned impossible to overspend there- for this guy to freak out because his date (gasp) orders an entree tells me nothing good about him.
I don't think that his date's ridiculous smile is going to last very long- maybe when she finds out that "Dinner and a Movie" means TGI Friday's and then back to his apartment to watch whatever showed up in the mail from Netflix that afternoon, it will finally be wiped from her silly face.
"I'll have the Green Bean fries" this woman practically squeaks at the waitress. "Ah, a light eater!" her miserly prick of a date thought-bubbles approvingly.
"For the entree, I'll have the Sizzling Chicken" she continues. Now her date is suddenly alarmed- "Entree?" Clearly, he didn't count on this. He figured he'd get this girl in and out of this restaurant with the spare change from his car's ashtray.
"And for desert, I'll have the Cheesecake!" our heroine concludes, showing all 32 teeth and a beaming smile that gives the impression that being brought to TGI Friday's is the Greatest Experience of Her Life. At this point, The Guy Who Will Get the Damage is nearing his own breaking point- "Dessert?? What does she think I am, a bank???" I'm not kidding.
Then the guy notices the "Three Course Meal for Only $12.99" label on the front of the menu. Oh, thank goodness! This isn't going to break him! "I'll have the same" he informs the waitress, earning a dimple-filled gushy smile of delight from the girl- seriously, it does NOT take much to send this woman into spasms of ecstasy, does it?
Apparently, this guy invited this girl to dinner hoping that she would say "no." Once she said "yes," he hoped that she would order a side salad and a glass of water, and then offer to cover the tip. In other words, he's a cheap bastard who suffered waves of intestinal agony at the thought of shelling out $20-$30 on something as inconsequential as a date with a cute girl.
Apparently also, this guy doesn't eat at TGI Friday's very often. TGI Friday's is exactly the kind of place you take a date when you aren't sure if you really like the person you are escorting all that much, and don't want to drop a wad of dough on something that might not pan out. Olive Garden is too cheap, Ruth's Chris is too upscale. You go to TGI Friday's because you know it's pretty damned impossible to overspend there- for this guy to freak out because his date (gasp) orders an entree tells me nothing good about him.
I don't think that his date's ridiculous smile is going to last very long- maybe when she finds out that "Dinner and a Movie" means TGI Friday's and then back to his apartment to watch whatever showed up in the mail from Netflix that afternoon, it will finally be wiped from her silly face.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Give me a break- It's a USED CAR
What is it with Mercedes-Benz? All of their commercials attempt to convince us that their Used cars are something more than Used cars. The word "used" is never uttered in any of their ads- instead, we hear the laughingly wordy substitute "Certified Pre-Owned Vehicles."
"Certified Pre-Owned?" Doesn't that translate into "we guarantee in writing that this car was originally purchased and driven by at least one other person?" Well, that's pretty special- the next time I buy a used car, I want it to come with a Certificate of Pre-Ownership. The scratches, dents, worn carpeting and odometer reading just isn't going to cut it for me anymore- I want a CERTIFICATE telling me that someone else used to make payments on this thing!
In this particularly annoying Mercedez-Benz commercial, a little girl is musing about how she will someday own the car she's being driven to kindergarten in- "and when this is MY car, I'M not letting kids put their feet up on the seat!" Oh, please. First of all, I'm sure it's every little kid's dream to inherit a 20-year old car which was Used (sorry, "Pre-Owned") when her PARENTS bought it. Second, this kid is so fixated on the car that she's already creating rules she'll be imposing on her non-existent children when her parents hand it off to her?
(There's another commercial- I'm not sure it's for Mercedez-Benz- where a little brat in the back seat grunts and shakes his head until Daddy agrees to the Deluxe Car Wash option, because after all, it will be Little Brat's car in a dozen years or so, and that makes it necessary to give it an expensive bath now.....somehow....)
But I digress from my main point- I don't care if it's a 2009 Mercedes-Benz, a 2003 Honda Civic, or a 1977 Gremlin. If it had a previous owner, it's a USED CAR. Not "Certified Pre-Owned." USED. Get off your pedestal, you pompous blowhards.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish off the Pre-Cooked Dinner in my refrigerator. Maybe you eat leftovers, but I'm too good for that.
"Certified Pre-Owned?" Doesn't that translate into "we guarantee in writing that this car was originally purchased and driven by at least one other person?" Well, that's pretty special- the next time I buy a used car, I want it to come with a Certificate of Pre-Ownership. The scratches, dents, worn carpeting and odometer reading just isn't going to cut it for me anymore- I want a CERTIFICATE telling me that someone else used to make payments on this thing!
In this particularly annoying Mercedez-Benz commercial, a little girl is musing about how she will someday own the car she's being driven to kindergarten in- "and when this is MY car, I'M not letting kids put their feet up on the seat!" Oh, please. First of all, I'm sure it's every little kid's dream to inherit a 20-year old car which was Used (sorry, "Pre-Owned") when her PARENTS bought it. Second, this kid is so fixated on the car that she's already creating rules she'll be imposing on her non-existent children when her parents hand it off to her?
(There's another commercial- I'm not sure it's for Mercedez-Benz- where a little brat in the back seat grunts and shakes his head until Daddy agrees to the Deluxe Car Wash option, because after all, it will be Little Brat's car in a dozen years or so, and that makes it necessary to give it an expensive bath now.....somehow....)
But I digress from my main point- I don't care if it's a 2009 Mercedes-Benz, a 2003 Honda Civic, or a 1977 Gremlin. If it had a previous owner, it's a USED CAR. Not "Certified Pre-Owned." USED. Get off your pedestal, you pompous blowhards.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish off the Pre-Cooked Dinner in my refrigerator. Maybe you eat leftovers, but I'm too good for that.
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Super Bowl Ads- Just a few quick thoughts, to start with
My plan had been to blog during the Super Bowl; naturally I was knocked offline and I couldn't get back on until this morning. Funny how that happens during high-traffic days- the last two days I had great difficulty getting online were Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanks for the "service," Comcast.
I guess I could "upgrade" to "Lightning Fast High-Speed Connectivity" with Comcast, that would solve my connection problems, right? OH WAIT- I tried to do that, last fall- and three futile visits from a "technician" later, gave up and spent a Saturday morning driving out to the 'burbs to return their ineffectual modem.
Again- thanks for the "service," Comcast.
So now I'll have to catch up on my blogging, as I see the Super Bowl ads repeated over the next several weeks. Today I'll just make a few broad observations on what I saw as the main themes pushed upon us by the ad wizards this year:
1. Men in Underwear. I counted at least three separate commercials - including one especially loathsome spot mocking office "casual days" by showing us a parade of pale, dumpy men walking around sans trousers- featuring men walking around in their underwear. I really wish the guys who write these things would leave their personal issues for the therapists to deal with, and stop inflicting them on us innocent viewers.
2. Men as pussy-whipped dish rags- I hate that term "pussy-whipped," but I can't think of an appropriate alternative. I saw at least one commercial whose theme was "you've lost your soul to the dominant female in your household, do something about it"- I think the message was that, as a guy, you can do the dishes, spend days shopping for lingerie (underwear again!) etc. but if you want to retain any shred of self-respect, you'd BETTER drive a Man-Car, and drive it FAST. (The "Do not Attempt" disclaimer makes no sense in a commercial that warns you that your manhood is at stake if you don't do what we advise. To hell with the small print, I'm flooring this sucker!)
3. A continuation of Bud Lite's "morbid obsession with beer is funny" ad campaign. Men screaming with delight at the mere mention of beer. Men willing- hell, determined- to stay for a Baby Shower because gleaming bottles of Bud Lite are being served. A house made out of beer bottles and cans, gradually demolished by a horde of pathetic guests who really need to call AA. An entire town of hopeless drunks willing to create a bridge with their bodies so that the beer truck can get into town (that commercial was both creative and SAD.) We get it, Budweiser- Beer is the very Stuff of Life. And it's so rare, one must grab for it at every opportunity, displaying huge eyes and gaping mouth as one does so.
By the way, the moment the game was over, I switched over to ESPN, where within seconds I was treated to a Wheaties Commercial featuring Peyton Manning throwing footballs in a wheat field and repeating to himself "make the play." Priceless!
I guess I could "upgrade" to "Lightning Fast High-Speed Connectivity" with Comcast, that would solve my connection problems, right? OH WAIT- I tried to do that, last fall- and three futile visits from a "technician" later, gave up and spent a Saturday morning driving out to the 'burbs to return their ineffectual modem.
Again- thanks for the "service," Comcast.
So now I'll have to catch up on my blogging, as I see the Super Bowl ads repeated over the next several weeks. Today I'll just make a few broad observations on what I saw as the main themes pushed upon us by the ad wizards this year:
1. Men in Underwear. I counted at least three separate commercials - including one especially loathsome spot mocking office "casual days" by showing us a parade of pale, dumpy men walking around sans trousers- featuring men walking around in their underwear. I really wish the guys who write these things would leave their personal issues for the therapists to deal with, and stop inflicting them on us innocent viewers.
2. Men as pussy-whipped dish rags- I hate that term "pussy-whipped," but I can't think of an appropriate alternative. I saw at least one commercial whose theme was "you've lost your soul to the dominant female in your household, do something about it"- I think the message was that, as a guy, you can do the dishes, spend days shopping for lingerie (underwear again!) etc. but if you want to retain any shred of self-respect, you'd BETTER drive a Man-Car, and drive it FAST. (The "Do not Attempt" disclaimer makes no sense in a commercial that warns you that your manhood is at stake if you don't do what we advise. To hell with the small print, I'm flooring this sucker!)
3. A continuation of Bud Lite's "morbid obsession with beer is funny" ad campaign. Men screaming with delight at the mere mention of beer. Men willing- hell, determined- to stay for a Baby Shower because gleaming bottles of Bud Lite are being served. A house made out of beer bottles and cans, gradually demolished by a horde of pathetic guests who really need to call AA. An entire town of hopeless drunks willing to create a bridge with their bodies so that the beer truck can get into town (that commercial was both creative and SAD.) We get it, Budweiser- Beer is the very Stuff of Life. And it's so rare, one must grab for it at every opportunity, displaying huge eyes and gaping mouth as one does so.
By the way, the moment the game was over, I switched over to ESPN, where within seconds I was treated to a Wheaties Commercial featuring Peyton Manning throwing footballs in a wheat field and repeating to himself "make the play." Priceless!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sometimes, It's all in the timing
Don't you love it when the guy who schedules the commercials shows a sense of humor?
Commercial #1- we see several people composing love sonnets to their Big Mac Wraps. One guy tells his meat-stuffed, greasy pita that "you look different, but I feel like I've known you all my life." A girl draped over a sheet for a picnic coos to her sandwich "I just want to eat you up." Another girl simply sighs "I LOVE YOU" as she gazes adoringly at the oily object of her affections.
Commercial #2, immediately following Commercial #1-- an ad for Match.com, in which several people tell us what they were looking for in a soul mate, and how Match.com helped them find that Special Someone, At Last.
The only way this could have worked out better is if they had used the same people from Commercial #1 in Commercial #2, and given them lines like "I thought that all I really needed in my life was a pile of grilled hamburger meat, flavored mayo and iceberg lettuce jammed into a cone of flat bread. Then I learned about Match.com and this 'meeting other humans' thing. Really changed my life- and I've lost weight, too!"
More likely, the people in Commercial #1 are the sad ruins of the people in Commercial #2, reduced by a year of failed experiments in dating arranged by Match.com to giving up on ever meeting someone, and settling for brief but far more satisfying relationships with fast food.
Just wait they find out that Big Mac Wraps are available Only For a Limited Time. More evidence that you should never get too close to anyone or anything, because they will always let you down in the end.
Commercial #1- we see several people composing love sonnets to their Big Mac Wraps. One guy tells his meat-stuffed, greasy pita that "you look different, but I feel like I've known you all my life." A girl draped over a sheet for a picnic coos to her sandwich "I just want to eat you up." Another girl simply sighs "I LOVE YOU" as she gazes adoringly at the oily object of her affections.
Commercial #2, immediately following Commercial #1-- an ad for Match.com, in which several people tell us what they were looking for in a soul mate, and how Match.com helped them find that Special Someone, At Last.
The only way this could have worked out better is if they had used the same people from Commercial #1 in Commercial #2, and given them lines like "I thought that all I really needed in my life was a pile of grilled hamburger meat, flavored mayo and iceberg lettuce jammed into a cone of flat bread. Then I learned about Match.com and this 'meeting other humans' thing. Really changed my life- and I've lost weight, too!"
More likely, the people in Commercial #1 are the sad ruins of the people in Commercial #2, reduced by a year of failed experiments in dating arranged by Match.com to giving up on ever meeting someone, and settling for brief but far more satisfying relationships with fast food.
Just wait they find out that Big Mac Wraps are available Only For a Limited Time. More evidence that you should never get too close to anyone or anything, because they will always let you down in the end.
Friday, February 5, 2010
1-800-WTF Was THAT??
Guy gives his wife/girlfriend/whatever a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. She instantly breaks down sobbing.
Wife: "I....I.....(gasp, sob).."
Confused husband/boyfriend: "Um...don't you like it?"
Wife: "I...I...(gasp, sob, tears rolling down face)...I am so happy! It makes me feel all (sob) warm and fuzzy inside!" And we see the WEIRDEST thing I've seen in a commercial for a long time- what looks like a powder puff from a cosmetics case except it's glowing and has eyes, a mouth and a nose, standing near the flowers. What the hell?
Husband continues to look confused. Join the club, buddy.
Wife: "I...LOVE IT!" And the commercial is over, except for the disembodied voice telling us to call 1-800-Flowers to order our own slobbery, overly-emotional Significant Other her own dozen roses which, judging from this commercial, may or may not come with a little glowing loofah.
Unless this is just Part I of a series of commercials featuring this couple (or is it a threesome?), I have to say that this spot completely stumps me. Why is this woman bawling throughout the ad- has any grown person really reacted to getting roses this way? Is she all choked up because she's actually allergic to the roses, or to the little glowing thing that only she can see? (Hey, maybe that is the problem- this woman has recently been released from an asylum, where she had been committed after being tortured for years by hallucinations featuring tiny flower pot-dwelling gremlins, and now she realizes that The Visions have returned. The problem with this theory is that the woman says "I love IT," which suggests to me that she's looking right past the flowers and at the animated cotton boll. And that she likes what she sees.)
Or maybe- just maybe- this commercial is the Lamest Trailer of All Time. I wish I were kidding, but we are told at the very end of the ad that 1-800 Flowers supplies "the official flowers of Valentine's Day- The Movie." God Help Us All.
Wife: "I....I.....(gasp, sob).."
Confused husband/boyfriend: "Um...don't you like it?"
Wife: "I...I...(gasp, sob, tears rolling down face)...I am so happy! It makes me feel all (sob) warm and fuzzy inside!" And we see the WEIRDEST thing I've seen in a commercial for a long time- what looks like a powder puff from a cosmetics case except it's glowing and has eyes, a mouth and a nose, standing near the flowers. What the hell?
Husband continues to look confused. Join the club, buddy.
Wife: "I...LOVE IT!" And the commercial is over, except for the disembodied voice telling us to call 1-800-Flowers to order our own slobbery, overly-emotional Significant Other her own dozen roses which, judging from this commercial, may or may not come with a little glowing loofah.
Unless this is just Part I of a series of commercials featuring this couple (or is it a threesome?), I have to say that this spot completely stumps me. Why is this woman bawling throughout the ad- has any grown person really reacted to getting roses this way? Is she all choked up because she's actually allergic to the roses, or to the little glowing thing that only she can see? (Hey, maybe that is the problem- this woman has recently been released from an asylum, where she had been committed after being tortured for years by hallucinations featuring tiny flower pot-dwelling gremlins, and now she realizes that The Visions have returned. The problem with this theory is that the woman says "I love IT," which suggests to me that she's looking right past the flowers and at the animated cotton boll. And that she likes what she sees.)
Or maybe- just maybe- this commercial is the Lamest Trailer of All Time. I wish I were kidding, but we are told at the very end of the ad that 1-800 Flowers supplies "the official flowers of Valentine's Day- The Movie." God Help Us All.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
How you know this is a really, really bad movie
Sometimes, you can tell from the trailers. If it's a comedy, and the gag revealed in the trailer is just plain unfunny, you know the film is going to be awful, because you assume that they pick the "best" gag for the ad. If it's a romance, and the ad features a scene with the male lead holding the female lead's face in his hands or the line "I have to learn to trust again" or "I'll always be there for you," the movie is really, really bad.
And sometimes, though not often, the ad makers come right out and tell you the movie sucks. Take this new film, When in Rome, for example. Within seconds, we can see it's just another Dust off Screenplay, Change Names and Location, and Release into Theatres Forgotten-in-Five-Minutes waste of celluloid. Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, Boy finds Girl, Boy dies in tragic blimp accident over the Rose Bowl (ok, that last part is lifted from Police Squad, but you get the idea.) But here's where we are informed that this particular film lacks even the smallest modicum of entertainment value- at the very close of the ad, the screen is filled with rave reviews- "Marvelous!" "I loved it!" "Terrific!" "Stole my heart!"
Who wrote these reviews? Look closer, and you'll see that among the well-known reviewers giving their thumbs up to this mess are "Amy G" and "Maurissa K" and "Sue T"-- basically the same people who show up at 2 am to tell us that they made BIG MONEY with John Commuta's Turn Debt into Wealth system and just ADORE their new Snuggies.
I've seen positive reviews from REAL PEOPLE for The Phantom Menace, 50 First Dates, and Click. That means that it's pretty damn easy to find SOME reviewer SOMEWHERE to give three stars to anything more entertaining than the Emergency Broadcast System. That the makers of When In Rome had to resort to the kind of fake testimonials usually reserved to buyers of Total Gym and Jack LaLane's Juicers tells you everything you need to know about the film- and it's nothing good. Thanks for the tip, Laurie P of Des Moines!
And sometimes, though not often, the ad makers come right out and tell you the movie sucks. Take this new film, When in Rome, for example. Within seconds, we can see it's just another Dust off Screenplay, Change Names and Location, and Release into Theatres Forgotten-in-Five-Minutes waste of celluloid. Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, Boy finds Girl, Boy dies in tragic blimp accident over the Rose Bowl (ok, that last part is lifted from Police Squad, but you get the idea.) But here's where we are informed that this particular film lacks even the smallest modicum of entertainment value- at the very close of the ad, the screen is filled with rave reviews- "Marvelous!" "I loved it!" "Terrific!" "Stole my heart!"
Who wrote these reviews? Look closer, and you'll see that among the well-known reviewers giving their thumbs up to this mess are "Amy G" and "Maurissa K" and "Sue T"-- basically the same people who show up at 2 am to tell us that they made BIG MONEY with John Commuta's Turn Debt into Wealth system and just ADORE their new Snuggies.
I've seen positive reviews from REAL PEOPLE for The Phantom Menace, 50 First Dates, and Click. That means that it's pretty damn easy to find SOME reviewer SOMEWHERE to give three stars to anything more entertaining than the Emergency Broadcast System. That the makers of When In Rome had to resort to the kind of fake testimonials usually reserved to buyers of Total Gym and Jack LaLane's Juicers tells you everything you need to know about the film- and it's nothing good. Thanks for the tip, Laurie P of Des Moines!
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