Internet Speedway called- they want their schtick back

Last year, in one of my first posts, I complained about Internet Speedway's "stream of consciousness" radio ads- ones which featured a DJ type responding to fading music by telling his audience "back to the show in a minute, folks, but-- have you heard about this new program where you can make BIG MONEY from home just by going on the internet and selling things people need anyway?" This would follow about 30 seconds of "I'm just talkin' here" banter and the rustling of paper as the "host" searches for he helpful toll-free number, "just in case" anyone in his audience is interested in checking out this "cool deal." Whatever.

Well, now one of the many Gold Pushers (the New York Mint) on the radio has basically tweaked the Internet Speedway script so it may used to peddle everyone's favorite Armageddon Currency. A rather pleasant-sounding woman asks her audience "hey, have you heard about this?" She then gives the standard "During the Depression Everyone Wanted Gold as Security Against Bad Times....finally in the 1930s the Government took these coins out of circulation....but now a stack of these gleaming, uncirculated gold coins has been found..." (I love how this part gets adjusted from time to time-- the coins are found in an old Confederate warship, an Indiana farmhouse, a basement, an attic, Europe...and now they've just been "found.)

The pleasant-sounding woman pretends to put down the script for a moment and think out loud- "can you imagine that? Holding history in your hand?" Groan. "Well, for this free historical information...(double groan. What exactly is historical information? And I promise you, "free" does not mean "for no charge" in the world of the New York Mint (not affiliated with the US Mint- but if you confuse the two, that's your problem.)

When is this crap going to stop? I'm not even going to comment on the ridiculous notion that buying gold coins "as a hedge against inflation" is a good investment. I'll stick to the patent dishonesty of the script- the pleasant-sounding woman did NOT suddenly come across some "interesting" information she just "wanted to share" with her audience. What I hate is when commercials pretend that they are not commercials. Why would anyone trust a company that feels the need to be deceptive in the delivery of it's sales pitch?

Heck, why would anyone trust a company that would use the template from Internet Speedway?

All Hail Bank of America

If you've seen Bank of America's new "we are here for you" commercials, you know that this massive, money-glutted credit company/investment bank/ blood-sucking whore of a corporation thinks it deserves credit for pretty much keeping the US Economy from falling into the abyss these days.

"Homeowners: When you are ready to refinance..."" the narrator announces, showing one prospective small business owner (they are the backbone of America, you know) after another shaking hands with smiling, well-dressed Bank of America toadies, celebrating the fact that they've just sealed a pact with the devil ----errr, I mean, taken out a loan from Bank of America.

"We've got money to lend!" is the message. Yeah, no kidding. In the spring of 2009, Bank of America fell ass-backwards into Money to Lend, in the form of a $20 billion bailout check from the US Government courtesy of the TARP program. That doesn't mean BOA has $20 billion to lend though- first it had to hand off $700 million in bonus checks to the vultures over at newly-acquired Merrill Lynch. Then it had to pay a $33 million fine for failing to disclose the specifics of these bonus payments to their benefactors (you and me, if you live in the United States of Corporate America.)

Bank of America is the real hero of our age, swooping in to save us from another Great Depression by being willing to loan us our own money, at significant interest, of course. Makes you feel warm all over, doesn't it? You'll excuse me, BOA, if I don't sponsor you for the Congressional Medal of Freedom in the near future. I don't know- there's just something about a guy picking my pocket and then offering to loan me the money he took that doesn't quite sit right. I'm sure it's just me.

Full Disclosure-- I took out a Bank of America debt consolidation loan in 2002, to help pay for my Congressional campaign and reduce credit card debt. BOA wanted me to pay it off in $221 per month installments for-- well, roughly forever. I paid it off at the rate of $600 per month, much to the displeasure of BOA pencil-pushers, who never tired of sending me "convenience checks" and "helpful reminders" that I could "skip a payment" whenever I wished and that I really didn't "need" to send more than the minimum. No problem- that was just doing business. But you'd think they'd have learned just a LITTLE humility after they had to ask ME for a loan.

Yeah, right.

Thank God every day you aren't one of this woman's Contacts

A woman we hear but never see is telling us all about her I Phone, and how it's allowed her to do amazing things and share amazing moments with her amazing friends and her amazing family. For this commercial, the amazing thing involves her baby boy, but it doesn't take much reaching to imagine that this woman lives for excuses to run her finger around her stupid, expensive little toy.

"The other day, my son took his first step, which was pretty amazing (really?) So, I recorded it" (we see her finger slide along the screen of the I Phone, clicking "camera" and capturing the First Step moment.) "Then, I shared it with everyone on my contact list." (Seriously. She selects Everybody and then 'send.' So everyone this woman has ever conned into giving her their cell phone number has just received a video of a baby falling on it's butt.)

"Then, I got everyone on the phone to chat about it.. Which was pretty amazing too!" (Christ, what ISN'T amazing to this idiot?) " I'm not kidding. Now it's time for a conference call, in which we all share our thoughts about the video we were sent. We hear grandma (?) exclaim "hey, that's great!" Someone else is clever enough to volunteer "Oops!" At least we know this woman didn't interrupt a Mensa meeting to discuss her kid's amazing ability to fall on his ass. We don't hear anyone else's reaction- probably because, well, really, what else is there to say? "Um...nice?" "Congrats?" "Ok....kind of busy now?"

"I would never have done this without my I Phone!" wraps up the commercial. Yeah, ok- you would never have done this without your I Phone. Maybe you would have just taken a snapshot and put it into a scrapbook, to show relatives later. Maybe you would have had a very personal, exciting moment with your son, and just told people about it (you know, I'm pretty sure that they would have believed you when you told them your son had taken his first step, even without visual evidence.) Without your I Phone, the world would have missed your kid taking his first step- but would have continued spinning anyway.

Can you imagine the nightmare of knowing this woman? Picture your phone beeping every few hours-- "check out this video of my son burping up!" "Look, baby's first time on the potty!" By the time you get a video download entitled "His First Cheerio!" you've probably become very good at hitting the Delete button without cursing under your breath. But what do you do when she wants you to engage in a Conference Call every time Baby learns a new word or gets a new sailor outfit? After all, thanks to the "convenience" of cell phones, you are never legitimately out of touch, right?

But if you ARE on this woman's contact list, you still have something to be thankful for: at least you aren't the offspring of the I'd Never Go Anywhere Without My I Phone woman. At least you won't spend the first few years of your life wondering what that weird growth on mommy's hand is, or why she's constantly turning away from you to talk to the weird growth as she holds it against her ear.

Hey Lady, here's a clue: The daily progress of your Little Miracle is not something that thirty people you happen to have an acquaintance with really need to be kept appraised of. Sure, take videos to share with Dad, Grandma, and Grampa. Your coworkers don't need to see your baby's first step, and they are too nice to say so, but they don't want to. And they don't want to be interrupted to engage in a mass discussion concerning it, as if your kid's first step is some earth-shaking event. It's not. Get Over Yourself.

And here's another one, no extra charge: Once you've made your little video, put your fucking phone down and spend some time with your baby. Your I Phone isn't the family member that needs quality time, you idiot.

Something's Missing, all right

It took me a while to figure out just the right angle to approach this profoundly stupid commercial for Hour Eyes Some ads are like that- just too dumb to wade into with any real enthusiasm. I'll give it a shot anyway-

We see a pleasant-looking thirtysomething woman standing in the middle of her reasonably well-lit suburban back yard wearing a bathrobe and slippers and calling for her cat.

And here comes her cat, strolling right toward her- except it's not a cat, it's a raccoon.

"Oh!" pleasant-looking woman responds. "Let's go snuggle with Mama!" Raccoon enters the house, as if it's lived there all it's life. Maybe this is not a new thing for this woman. Maybe she doesn't even HAVE a cat- maybe she's been spending the last several years snuggling with a disgusting, garbage-eating, sharp-clawed, wild animal? Maybe the raccoon HAS lived there all it's life?

"Something missing?" asks the narrator. Uh huh. Of course, the message is "get your eyes checked." But I have a few other observations, and since this is my blog....

1. This woman needs a date. Badly. I mean, come on- she's pretty cute, she's obviously successful enough to own a substantial home-- and her idea of the perfect bedtime is a lovely snuggle with her raccoon? Even if she thinks it's her cat, that's pretty sad.

2. This woman hasn't seen any Broadview Security commercials. And the stalkers in the Broadview Security commercials haven't seen her. I mean, can you imagine? All those beefy creeps hanging out in the bushes waiting patiently for their victims to go inside and set the alarms, ultimately foiling their plans for Who Knows What, and here's this half-blind woman standing in the middle of her yard in a bathrobe, completely defenseless- and NO STALKERS??

Heck, with her eyes, she'd probably mistake them for the cable guys and let them right in.

Having said all this, I really do enjoy using my "grill"

Former Heavyweight Champion of the World/Ex-sitcom star/grill peddler George Foreman has joined the Debt Relief Racket in a big way, with commercials he narrates himself.

First, he uses basically the same script as all the other "debt relief" scam artists do- "you're a good person. You want to pay your bills. Stop the harassing phone calls. Settle your debt for pennies on the dollar. Blah blah blah."

But then he gives us his "own story:" "Twenty years ago, I was heavily in debt. I found a system which permitted me to pull myself back up and get my financial house in order, and I can show you how to do it, too. With the George Foreman Debt Fighter Program."

I'm not going to call the 800 number, but I wonder if George Foreman's "Anyone can do it" Debt Fighter program includes:

1. Putting on a pair of boxing trunks and getting $50,000 for your first fight in 12 years against a guy who has been knocked out a dozen times previously.

2. Getting into the ring every few weeks against Ken Lakusta, Charlie Hostettler, Steve Zouski, Guido Trane and a whole crowd of other bums who you outweigh by roughly 100 lbs and are absolutely terrified of you long before they enter the ring- and get between $50,000 and $100,000 for each outing.

3. Getting a multimillion-dollar fight with Gerry Cooney, who hadn't fought for two years previous and could always be counted on to fold like a lawn chair the first time he hit someone who could actually hit back.

4. Get multiple title shots with base salaries of $5 mil- $10 mil each.

5. Become the pitchman for a double-sided electric frying pan (sorry, "grill") which is slanted to allow grease to roll off it during the cooking process (brilliant.)

6. Sell interest in said "grill" for $137 million a few years later.

I actually think it would be really funny if customers invested $29.95 for Foreman's "Debt Fighter Secrets" and were sent the list I just compiled for free. I wonder why Foreman doesn't call this his "Knock Out the Debt" program- maybe Salton Industries owns the "Knock Out The--" trademark?

Did Foreman lose all the money he made during his comeback in the 1990s? Or is he just another Magic Johnson for Rent A Center, who believes that there's simply no such thing as too much dough? Either way- come on, George, there's a more honest way to make a buck than this. I think we are long overdue for another Cooney comeback.

With Passion this Powerful, Why do these people need drugs?

In their new commercials, the marketers of Cialis go beyond the usual "when the moment is right wink wink nod nod" stomach-churning bilge and enter the world of the downright bizarre. Now, we see that incidental human contact is often enough to trigger irresistible sexual urges in middle-aged, decidedly unattractive couples so powerful that it can cause furniture to dissolve, walls to fold away, and laundry baskets to magically transform into wine-and-cheese-laden tables.

Let's just look at one of these weird trips into the bizzaro world- a very prosperous looking man and woman are spending the day painting their palatial estate when their hands happen to touch during an exchange of brushes. Their eyes meet- and as they stare at each other thinking I Don't Want to Know What, the house they've been busy redecorating literally collapses around them. The half-painted walls become trees. The carpet becomes grass. Chairs slide away as if pushed aside by the hand of the Allmighty, who is clearly so anxious that these two No Longer Fertile But Lets Assume Married people have sex ASAP that He sees the need for personal intervention. The couple is by no means horrified at the sight of their living space disappearing around them in response to their sudden sexual re-awakening. I guess I should be grateful that there were no kids in the house to be transformed into lawn gnomes or some other inanimate objects.

As the commercial continues, the house vanishes altogether, and now the couple is in a sylvan glen. Now they are walking along the banks of a quiet stream. And now I'm really confused and wondering if I missed the whole point of the commercial- my dirty mind interpreted "when the moment is right" to mean that these people wanted to have sexual relations, when in fact it just meant that they wanted to take a walk?

Of course, the ad ends with our couple sitting in separate bathtubs, outside. This makes perfect sense. I know that when I feel "in the mood," what I really want is to get outside as quickly as possible, walk through the woods, and sit in a bathtub by myself.

While I'm sitting in that bathtub, maybe I'll take a moment to reflect on what the hell just happened to my house. And what I'm going to do when it's time to get out of that tub.

Stay away from my kid, you creep

Mom, Dad and a kid who looks a bit too big to be sitting in a high chair are sitting at a table at what looks to be a moderately-priced restaurant when mom has to leave for a moment- no doubt to "powder her nose," as it were.

Owen Wilson's brother informs us that "an innocent evening out is about to go very wrong."

Well, of course. How on EARTH is daddy going to be able to take care of his kid for five minutes? I mean, who does he think he is, MOM?

As too-big-to-be-in-that-chair brat starts screeching, letting the entire restaurant know that, once again, two selfish pricks decided that instead of springing for a fricking baby sitter, they would treat the world to an evening with their obnoxious bundle of Oops, Owen Wilson's brother whips out his AT&T phone and quickly downloads a cartoon. Wilson's brother hands the phone to clueless, desperate dad, whose efforts to calm his insufferable little brat's attention by making funny faces and jiggling his keys have of course fallen flat.

Naturally, the sight of the cartoon on the nifty AT&T phone sends the little monster into a zombie-like state. Dad has learned a valuable lesson which he will no doubt carry into his kid's formative years- - if you want your offspring to stay out of your hair, give them a cellphone with cool Apps. If you want them to be seen but not heard, give them Unlimited Talk and Text. If you want them to occupy absolutely none of your time, keep them hypnotized by glowing little gadgets.

In the Bad Old Days, Daddy might have had to develop some kind of relationship with this kid. Maybe he would have been forced to learn his son's favorite Dr Seuss or Richard Scarry books. Maybe he would have begun the process of teaching his son how to act in public in a way that does not cause discomfort for others. Thank God, those days are over! Now when you put the kid in the family SUV, you can pop in the copy of "Finding Nemo" right after you buckle him in. When you get to the restaurant, you can download cartoons to keep him transfixed while you do your adult stuff. Heck, when he gets just a little older, you can give him "personal time" with his own hand-held TV. Until he hits eight or nine, of course, which is around the time you'll be wanting to encourage his lifelong obsession with his phone.

And it all starts with Owen Wilson's brother handing over cellphones like a fucking drug dealer offering a free fix. I want to see a parody of this commercial where the dad informs Wilson that he doesn't really believe in responding to bratty behavior with instant gratification, and that he can shove his "helpful" suggestion up his ass. Because, oddly enough, this Daddy would like to model decent behavior to his son- and contrary to AT&T's opinion, cell phones really aren't adequate substitutes for human interaction.