The Laura and Randy Story, OR "Aiming Low-Making it Work for You"

Time for another nugget of hardened bile from our friends at EHarmony. I've seen a few pretty snarkable commercials for this "service" lately; I think I'll take them one at a time and get multiple posts out of them. Thanks in advance, EHarmony.

Let's start by meeting Laura. "By the time I met Randy, I knew what I wanted" this fortysomething, pasty, not very interesting looking woman tells the camera. Yes, I'm sure that's true- by the time you hit your forties, you had long since decided that what you wanted was to NOT DIE ALONE.

So you were willing to settle for Randy, a fat, fortysomething doofus who likes to play the accordion. More about that later. Let's hear from Randy now:

"Everyone is complex- we oversimplify ourselves, and we oversimplify each other a lot." On second thought, let's not hear from Randy. Because I have no idea what he just said. People are complex-- so we oversimplify? And that's a good thing or a bad thing? Are people just too complicated without a computer dating service to match them? What?

Well, ok- one more comment from Randy before we wrap this up: "I put that on my EHarmony thing, that I play the Accordion."

Laura: "Did you?"

Randy: "No." (laughs.)

I can only think of two ways to interpret this: Either this guy didn't tell EHarmony that he plays the accordion, leaving Laura to find out the horrible truth on her own, or Randy is referring to the present, and is still using EHarmony to find his soul mate. Sorry, Laura. You're ok for now, but Randy's still playing the electronic field. He thinks he can do better. I'm not so sure.

I'll wrap up by getting back to Laura's original comment- "...By the time I met Randy, I knew what I was looking for." You know, I find it really hard to believe that you couldn't find an overweight, average-looking, lonely geek who lies about his musical instrument preference without paying an online dating service to do it for you. I also find it really hard to believe that Randy is what you described as your dream match when you filled out your profile. But hey, I'm happy for you if you are happy for yourself, and wish you all the best.

Until Randy is "matched" with someone who doesn't know about his accordion, of course.

Can "Punch Dub Days" PLEASE be over now?

Enough already. I mean it. Enough of watching drooling passive-aggressive mouth-breathers looking for excuses to punch people in the arm. Enough of these same passive-aggressive morons thinking that there's something clever about buying in to the latest corporate ad campaign (you know it's the same crowd of people who, when Punch Dub Days are finally concluded, will go right back to singing "Five Dollar Foot Longs" for the Subway cameras and "Freeeeesssssshhhh" for the good people at Maxwell House.

Which "Punch Dub Days" commercial finally drove me over the edge (no pun intended?) This one for the Volkswagen Tiguan, which features a shiny black VW roaring through an urban center at roughly 80 mph, leaving clouds of dust and people punching each other in it's wake. People punching each other HARD- a woman slamming her fist into her friend's shoulder gets an "ouch!" before the requisite "Where?", for example. The damn car is moving so freaking fast, that the "punchline" (sorry) is that while one person announces "black one!" and hits his friend in the shoulder, the other person can only respond "where?"- because the car is long gone.

One person in this commercial is piling boxes onto a truck, and is almost knocked off balance by his asshole "friend" who feels compelled to punch him in the arm and announce "black one!" The box-carrier is not in the least bit annoyed, of course. He just wants to know "where?"

Meanwhile, the black VW Tiguan continues to blast it's way through what are almost certainly 25-mph zones when the roads are not closed and a Professional Driver is not at the wheel. Don't try to cross the street in this town- or a sharp punch to the shoulder and "black one!" might be the last thing you feel and hear before becoming a wet spot in this car's grille.

Here's the big problem, Volkswagen: When "Slug Bug" was a cute, inoffensive driving game back in the 70s, it worked because Volkswagens didn't look like every other freaking car on the road. Volkswagen Bugs were different. The were unique. They had their own look- they were the anti-car, the car that gave the middle finger to the idea of cars as status symbols. Driving a Volkswagen was a way of announcing to the world "I'm not buying in. I want to get from Point A to Point B, and I don't give a shit about showing well for the neighbors while I do it." My first two cars were Volkswagen Bugs. I froze in the winter, melted in the summer, and hoped I wouldn't get into an accident, because they didn't have seatbelts. But I never had any problem finding my car in a crowded parking lot, because my car didn't look like all the others.

There's nothing unique about the 21st century version of Volkswagens. They don't look markedly different from Hondas, Toyotas, or Hyundais. Creating a car that looked like All The Other Cars on the Road was your decision, not ours.

So stop trying to recapture the past, ok?

And please, take my word for it- except for the people you paid to be mentally deficient stooges in your commercials, nobody wants to play "Punch Dub." It's really not fun to be punched in the arm by an idiot when one of your SameMobiles drives by, and getting punched doesn't inspire people to buy one. Go figure.

And please- go out and find a new ad campaign. Now.

A Perfectly Honest, Perfectly Deceptive Ad

I have to admit, I'm actually impressed by these guys.

"Does you car have less than 175,000 miles on it? Does it have a Warranty that is about to expire, or no warranty at all? If so, you need to call American Car Warranties."

"Once you join American Car Warranties, you won't pay one penny for any covered repair, ever again!"

Did you catch it? Let's reverse the tape and replay it, something most people can't do when they hear this commercial on their car radios:

"Once you join American Car Warranties, you won't pay one penny for any covered repair, ever again!"

Well, ok. And you won't pay for anything in the store that is free. And you'll get ten percent off every item that is listed "Ten Percent Off." And you won't pay a DIME more than the advertised price, plus taxes, tags and fees. "You won't pay one penny for any covered repair?" Really? And what about repairs that aren't covered? "Um....well......I would refer the plaintiff to the original ad....."

This is pretty funny, in a sad sort of way. The slick wordplay no doubt gets the suckers on the phone, where they are treated to even faster talk and cleverly omitted details designed to extract money from their wallets. But I'm reminded that in this age of economic uncertainty, more and more people are holding on to their old cars with expired warranties, worried about the cost of repairs- and here comes these shysters and their glowing half-promises to provide a BS warranty, using subtle language to disguise the fact that for the most part, they are selling NOTHING.

"You'll never pay for another covered repair, ever again." Perfectly honest, and perfectly deceptive at the same time. Well played, American Car Warranties.

NCR(?)- Once Again, the snark writes itself sometimes

I'm listening to my XM Radio when an announcer suddenly declares in a solemn, calm manner "Please pay attention. This is a Public Announcement."

Ah, the Emergency Broadcasting System, perhaps? Nope...

"The Government and Banks have seized hundreds of houses and cars in foreclosure proceedings. This property is now available for purchase by the public at extremely low prices."

"The Government and Banks are very motivated to sell this property." And here comes the hilariously sleazy kicker: "People whose last names begin with the letters A through M may start calling for information now. Callers whose last names begin with the letters N through Z may start calling at 9 AM tomorrow."

Seriously, can you believe this crap? And in case you didn't get it the first time---

"Again, this is a Public Announcement." Yes, like all commercials are. Messages for the public. Probably why it's being broadcast over the air.

I'm really certain that if your name starts with N and you call today, you'll be told to hang up and call again tomorrow. Sure, you will. And I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there whose last names start with the letter A who feel like they've won the lottery, getting the jump on their neighbors with the opportunity to snatch up property seized by "the government and banks."

Again, the stunning lack of honesty exhibited by the ad men for some commercials is just astounding. I guess that in these days, the only rule is "make the sale." Integrity? Accuracy? That's for the suckers and the saps. Say whatever you have to say to get the dopes on the phone, be it "Obama has signed the Credit Card Reform Act.....you have the consumer right to cancel 90% of your debts" or "the Government and the Banks want you to buy a house for next to nothing."

BTW, I'm not sure if this particular band of crooks and liars work for NCR, CNR....(they'd be right at home with the RNC)....because I was driving and unlike most of the people I see on the roads today, I don't feel comfortable attempting to do three things at once while 0perating an automobile, so I didn't jot it down. Whatever the initials are, they are used by several different corporations, which means I have to give the maggots who made this some points for deviousness, I suppose. Still....

I just hope these guys got a good price for their souls.

Internet Speedway called- they want their schtick back

Last year, in one of my first posts, I complained about Internet Speedway's "stream of consciousness" radio ads- ones which featured a DJ type responding to fading music by telling his audience "back to the show in a minute, folks, but-- have you heard about this new program where you can make BIG MONEY from home just by going on the internet and selling things people need anyway?" This would follow about 30 seconds of "I'm just talkin' here" banter and the rustling of paper as the "host" searches for he helpful toll-free number, "just in case" anyone in his audience is interested in checking out this "cool deal." Whatever.

Well, now one of the many Gold Pushers (the New York Mint) on the radio has basically tweaked the Internet Speedway script so it may used to peddle everyone's favorite Armageddon Currency. A rather pleasant-sounding woman asks her audience "hey, have you heard about this?" She then gives the standard "During the Depression Everyone Wanted Gold as Security Against Bad Times....finally in the 1930s the Government took these coins out of circulation....but now a stack of these gleaming, uncirculated gold coins has been found..." (I love how this part gets adjusted from time to time-- the coins are found in an old Confederate warship, an Indiana farmhouse, a basement, an attic, Europe...and now they've just been "found.)

The pleasant-sounding woman pretends to put down the script for a moment and think out loud- "can you imagine that? Holding history in your hand?" Groan. "Well, for this free historical information...(double groan. What exactly is historical information? And I promise you, "free" does not mean "for no charge" in the world of the New York Mint (not affiliated with the US Mint- but if you confuse the two, that's your problem.)

When is this crap going to stop? I'm not even going to comment on the ridiculous notion that buying gold coins "as a hedge against inflation" is a good investment. I'll stick to the patent dishonesty of the script- the pleasant-sounding woman did NOT suddenly come across some "interesting" information she just "wanted to share" with her audience. What I hate is when commercials pretend that they are not commercials. Why would anyone trust a company that feels the need to be deceptive in the delivery of it's sales pitch?

Heck, why would anyone trust a company that would use the template from Internet Speedway?

All Hail Bank of America

If you've seen Bank of America's new "we are here for you" commercials, you know that this massive, money-glutted credit company/investment bank/ blood-sucking whore of a corporation thinks it deserves credit for pretty much keeping the US Economy from falling into the abyss these days.

"Homeowners: When you are ready to refinance..."" the narrator announces, showing one prospective small business owner (they are the backbone of America, you know) after another shaking hands with smiling, well-dressed Bank of America toadies, celebrating the fact that they've just sealed a pact with the devil ----errr, I mean, taken out a loan from Bank of America.

"We've got money to lend!" is the message. Yeah, no kidding. In the spring of 2009, Bank of America fell ass-backwards into Money to Lend, in the form of a $20 billion bailout check from the US Government courtesy of the TARP program. That doesn't mean BOA has $20 billion to lend though- first it had to hand off $700 million in bonus checks to the vultures over at newly-acquired Merrill Lynch. Then it had to pay a $33 million fine for failing to disclose the specifics of these bonus payments to their benefactors (you and me, if you live in the United States of Corporate America.)

Bank of America is the real hero of our age, swooping in to save us from another Great Depression by being willing to loan us our own money, at significant interest, of course. Makes you feel warm all over, doesn't it? You'll excuse me, BOA, if I don't sponsor you for the Congressional Medal of Freedom in the near future. I don't know- there's just something about a guy picking my pocket and then offering to loan me the money he took that doesn't quite sit right. I'm sure it's just me.

Full Disclosure-- I took out a Bank of America debt consolidation loan in 2002, to help pay for my Congressional campaign and reduce credit card debt. BOA wanted me to pay it off in $221 per month installments for-- well, roughly forever. I paid it off at the rate of $600 per month, much to the displeasure of BOA pencil-pushers, who never tired of sending me "convenience checks" and "helpful reminders" that I could "skip a payment" whenever I wished and that I really didn't "need" to send more than the minimum. No problem- that was just doing business. But you'd think they'd have learned just a LITTLE humility after they had to ask ME for a loan.

Yeah, right.

Thank God every day you aren't one of this woman's Contacts

A woman we hear but never see is telling us all about her I Phone, and how it's allowed her to do amazing things and share amazing moments with her amazing friends and her amazing family. For this commercial, the amazing thing involves her baby boy, but it doesn't take much reaching to imagine that this woman lives for excuses to run her finger around her stupid, expensive little toy.

"The other day, my son took his first step, which was pretty amazing (really?) So, I recorded it" (we see her finger slide along the screen of the I Phone, clicking "camera" and capturing the First Step moment.) "Then, I shared it with everyone on my contact list." (Seriously. She selects Everybody and then 'send.' So everyone this woman has ever conned into giving her their cell phone number has just received a video of a baby falling on it's butt.)

"Then, I got everyone on the phone to chat about it.. Which was pretty amazing too!" (Christ, what ISN'T amazing to this idiot?) " I'm not kidding. Now it's time for a conference call, in which we all share our thoughts about the video we were sent. We hear grandma (?) exclaim "hey, that's great!" Someone else is clever enough to volunteer "Oops!" At least we know this woman didn't interrupt a Mensa meeting to discuss her kid's amazing ability to fall on his ass. We don't hear anyone else's reaction- probably because, well, really, what else is there to say? "Um...nice?" "Congrats?" "Ok....kind of busy now?"

"I would never have done this without my I Phone!" wraps up the commercial. Yeah, ok- you would never have done this without your I Phone. Maybe you would have just taken a snapshot and put it into a scrapbook, to show relatives later. Maybe you would have had a very personal, exciting moment with your son, and just told people about it (you know, I'm pretty sure that they would have believed you when you told them your son had taken his first step, even without visual evidence.) Without your I Phone, the world would have missed your kid taking his first step- but would have continued spinning anyway.

Can you imagine the nightmare of knowing this woman? Picture your phone beeping every few hours-- "check out this video of my son burping up!" "Look, baby's first time on the potty!" By the time you get a video download entitled "His First Cheerio!" you've probably become very good at hitting the Delete button without cursing under your breath. But what do you do when she wants you to engage in a Conference Call every time Baby learns a new word or gets a new sailor outfit? After all, thanks to the "convenience" of cell phones, you are never legitimately out of touch, right?

But if you ARE on this woman's contact list, you still have something to be thankful for: at least you aren't the offspring of the I'd Never Go Anywhere Without My I Phone woman. At least you won't spend the first few years of your life wondering what that weird growth on mommy's hand is, or why she's constantly turning away from you to talk to the weird growth as she holds it against her ear.

Hey Lady, here's a clue: The daily progress of your Little Miracle is not something that thirty people you happen to have an acquaintance with really need to be kept appraised of. Sure, take videos to share with Dad, Grandma, and Grampa. Your coworkers don't need to see your baby's first step, and they are too nice to say so, but they don't want to. And they don't want to be interrupted to engage in a mass discussion concerning it, as if your kid's first step is some earth-shaking event. It's not. Get Over Yourself.

And here's another one, no extra charge: Once you've made your little video, put your fucking phone down and spend some time with your baby. Your I Phone isn't the family member that needs quality time, you idiot.