Another "Crisis" narrowly averted, thanks to Verizon

These "Moment of Truth" ads are already getting old. I've had more than enough of watching people being "rescued" from minor annoyances masquerading as major life crises by their stupid phones. And I wonder how much longer Verizon is going to subject us to commercials which all have the same message- "you should never, ever experience anything that varies from your carefully-planned life script, and you never will, IF you have a Verizon phone."

Look at this latest example: Mom has supplied pirate plates, pirate hats, pirate tablecloths, pirate cake, pirate fucking EVERYTHING for her overindulged little bundle of joy at his birthday party. Oh, but look, there's a hair out of place- a COWBOY has shown up, instead of a pirate!! Oh noes, what to do, what to do?

Well, what else? This is, after all, the "moment of truth." Mommy whips out her phone and presumably contacts the agency she contracted to entertain at her Social Event of the Season to get this "problem" worked out, NOW. And faster than you can say "let's KGB it!" the actor in the cowboy suit has been replaced by an actor in a pirate suit. "Crisis" avoided!

Seriously, ick. Ok, mom, so your pampered little spawn wanted a pirate theme. Assuming you hired a pirate actor, the agency ought to provide a pirate actor. So when a cowboy shows up, why isn't the answer to just phone the fucking agency and explain the error? Is it conceivable that this woman, upon realizing that an error was made, reacted by contacting another agency and paying premium prices for a last-minute appearance by a guy with a hook and an eyepatch? Because her Little One must have Everything? I mean, wouldn't a NORMAL human being explain the mistake to the cowboy actor, and let HIM contact the agency and fix the issue? This mom doesn't even wait for him to reach the crowd of kids, who might actually WELCOME a break from the monotonous pirate crap if it means a chance to ride on a horse.

And as if all this is not disgusting enough, check out our "hero" at the end of the commercial- she's wiping sweat off her brow, as if she just avoided a major disaster. Jesus Christ, it's a birthday party.

"Moment of Truth?" Really?

It isn't hard for me to imagine this woman reacting to raindrops by attempting to find a "Bring back the Sun" service on Bing. Because dammit, if you have Verizon, you should never ever EVER get less than 100% of what you want.

And so Verizon continues it's crusade to turn us into a nation of whiny, spoiled little brats who have no idea how to handle even the smallest amount of inconvenience or disappointment. In another era, "the pirate birthday party which featured a cowboy" might be a funny story passed down among family members for years. Thank God those days are over, replaced by "the pirate birthday party saved by Mommy and her ever-present Verizon phone."

I don't know- just doesn't seem to have the same staying power to me.

"Take advantage of our offer. We dare you, wussy."

"Who's idea was this?" sneers the unseen narrator, as the camera slooooowwwwly zooms in on some new Dodge Gas-guzzling Behemoth. Sure, you can drive it for sixty days before you decide you want to keep it. But- sixty days? Who needs sixty days? Gays? Girly-men? Momma's boys? "Who is that indecisive?" concludes the thoroughly nasty disembodied voice.

"The sixty days even though you won't need it" ad campaign, I must admit, is a pretty bold move by Dodge. I mean, I expect my intelligence to be insulted by pretty much every commercial. But here's Dodge essentially telling me that the only way I would take advantage of their newest offer is if I have some kind of character flaw. Sure, you can bring it back- but if you do, expect to be sneered at and to have your manhood questioned.

Other companies ought to try this- coupons could come with little disclaimers letting you know that coupons are really stupid, and you'll look idiotic if you try to use one. New cars could come with two years of free oil changes- and a notation that only LOSERS change their oil that often- and you aren't a LOSER, are you?

Hey Dodge: I am not interested in buying one of your oversized crudmobiles. I don't want to drive one for one day, ten days or sixty days. I decided before the end of your commercial that I want nothing to do with you or your craptacular, smarmy, manipulative company.

Decisive enough for you?

Yeah, I'm putting my money on THIS guy

Scruffy twentysomething go-getter arrives by taxi in front of office building for "the biggest meeting since you've opened your design firm." I don't know what a "design firm" is, nor do I care. I'd rather focus on the evidence of this guy's inevitable failure as a businessperson.

He arrived, but his presentation didn't- because this moron left it sitting on the seat in the taxi he just exited. Notice please that this guy isn't juggling five things at once- hell, he doesn't even have a briefcase, yet he managed to leave behind the one thing he was supposed to bring to the freaking presentation- THE PRESENTATION. My guess is that he was too distracted updating his twitter account to remember it.

"Now, which network will you trust to email it, get it printed, and have it waiting upstairs?" Why, Verizon's 3G Network, of course. Except-- this guy is demonstrating his savvy business sense and level of responsibility by sending his presentation via email to the prospective customer's printer, using their resources and basically announcing "I'm so obviously the right person to do work for your business, I couldn't even manage to bring my own fricking copy of this Very Important Presentation across town to the meeting." And what if the copier is down? What if the Very Important Presentation jams it during copying? What if the copier is in use- you know, maybe, by the people who actually work there?

Great first impression, buddy. Show up without the presentation. Inform your prospective clients that Said Presentation (in COLOR, yet) is waiting in THEIR copying machine- all ONE COPY of it. Sheepishly explain that you brought a copy, but left it in the taxi. Conclude by urging prospective clients to hire YOUR "design firm" to handle important work for their company- because hey, if you're playing the latest movie trailer on your Blackberry and you forget the work you've done for them on the bus, subway, park bench or taxi, no problem! You can get it right back!

And if he loses his phone? Don't be absurd- as if this guy would ever put down his phone!

Life is so Simple when you are as dumb as a bag of rocks

I don't know why America's Natural Gas companies are spending so much money trying to convince us that we should follow our nation's Lowest Common Denominator in deciding which way to go in achieving Energy Independence. If you watch MSNBC, CNN, etc. you have probably been rendered numb by the apparently endless parade of "I don't know anything about this, but here's my opinion" choads willing to stand in front of bright blue backgrounds and offer pearls of ignorance concerning this very important topic. You've certainly noticed by now that all of these Average Americans have several things in common:

1. They each give the same requisite, passing, grudging reference to solar and wind power before casually explaining why it's stupid and won't work

2. They each tell us in an offhandedly matter-of-fact manner that the United States has practically ENDLESS supplies of oil, and gee, why aren't we getting at it? (Because it's under those stupid National Parks and Wildlife refuges, or within frisbee distance of popular beaches, but we aren't told this)

3. They are very easily persuaded by the "argument" for Natural Gas, even while admitting that they don't know what it is or how it would work

4. They all agree that this means "problem solved, ("Eureka") yay, glad we didn't have to give that more than ten seconds of thought or visit more than one website to get the "answer."

It was hard to choose which video to embed for this post. I finally decided to pick this one, because it does vary slightly from the usual message. This woman comes right out and admits that she truly doesn't have the slightest clue about the subject she's been asked to comment on- "Giga What? I mean, it sounds like a lot!"- and that America's Natural Gas providers convinced her that they have all the answers in roughly the time it takes for an average person (not her) to tie her shoes. I mean, seriously, this woman makes Victoria Jackson look like a candidate for Mensa.

And she's perfectly happy with that, because she's achieved her "Giga Eureka." I'm sure she's really proud of that line. Or she will be, once she finds out what "giga" means. Next- looking up the word "Eureka." As soon as Glenn Beck goes to commercial. Because seriously- "I was just reading...? Not buying it.

Finally, a Commercial which features Dad as a Role Model!

Here's an interesting twist to the "infantile people can't, and shouldn't, be able to do one damned thing without consulting their phones first" theme, which is not exclusive to Verizon Wireless and the 3G Network.

A family of intentionally vague ethnicity arrives at the entrance to The Magic Kingdom, ready for a day of long lines, crowds, noise, bad food and the occasional roller coaster ride. "It's the moment of truth" the narrator tells us, as Mommy pulls out her phone, her red map of the United States of Freckles pops up, and the kids lean forward to see whatever the hell it is Mommy has to do on her phone THIS TIME.

"Moment of truth?" I had to watch this commercial for a few times before I figured out what the intended message was- this woman is actually trying to use her phone to find out which rides have the shortest lines, so the family can plan their journey through the maze of pasty old parents, surly texting teenagers, and whiny adolescents with maximum efficiency. That the lines aren't getting shorter- and no one is getting any younger- as they stand there waiting for Mommy to pronounce that Verizon has once again Shown the Way doesn't seem to occur to any of them, except....

"Where's dad?" one of the kid asks. Dad? Who is dad? Oh, that guy who came with us and purchased our Unlimited Talking Plans, is that who you are talking about? Yeah, where IS dad?

There he is- he's given a silent "Fuck This" to what is probably Episode #16,758 in the Adventures of Helpless Mom and Her All-Knowing Phone and has ditched his family to jump on a ride.

Let's set aside the fact that this means Dad has gone through the entrance without them, and that if he's carrying the money, they ain't getting in. Let's instead focus on the way Verizon has just snarked all over it's own concept-- We are told that Mommy NEEDS to use her phone to find the rides with the shortest lines ( I think that most sane people choose rides based on what looks like the most fun, not which have the shortest lines, which is why you don't see a lot of people on the Teacups or Ferris Wheel) but then we are shown that Dad has managed to score a ride WITHOUT waiting for Verizon to Tell Him What To Do.

In fact, Dad has broken free of Verizon AND his dimwitted, phone-dependent wife and children, and is ahead of them in the Having Fun department. Because he IGNORED the fact that Verizon's 3G Network could have provided him with a map of rides the family could have spent the day staring at instead. Imagine that!

The kids might appreciate this, but I suspect that Mommy will be very disapproving, and will be reporting her non-conformist husband to The Network at the end of the day. I mean, where does he get off finding rides by just looking around? He will be assimilated, dammit!

But until then- Dad, I salute you. The only way you could have played this better is if you had taken the phone out of Mommy's hand and chucked it into the nearest deep fryer.

The Laura and Randy Story, OR "Aiming Low-Making it Work for You"

Time for another nugget of hardened bile from our friends at EHarmony. I've seen a few pretty snarkable commercials for this "service" lately; I think I'll take them one at a time and get multiple posts out of them. Thanks in advance, EHarmony.

Let's start by meeting Laura. "By the time I met Randy, I knew what I wanted" this fortysomething, pasty, not very interesting looking woman tells the camera. Yes, I'm sure that's true- by the time you hit your forties, you had long since decided that what you wanted was to NOT DIE ALONE.

So you were willing to settle for Randy, a fat, fortysomething doofus who likes to play the accordion. More about that later. Let's hear from Randy now:

"Everyone is complex- we oversimplify ourselves, and we oversimplify each other a lot." On second thought, let's not hear from Randy. Because I have no idea what he just said. People are complex-- so we oversimplify? And that's a good thing or a bad thing? Are people just too complicated without a computer dating service to match them? What?

Well, ok- one more comment from Randy before we wrap this up: "I put that on my EHarmony thing, that I play the Accordion."

Laura: "Did you?"

Randy: "No." (laughs.)

I can only think of two ways to interpret this: Either this guy didn't tell EHarmony that he plays the accordion, leaving Laura to find out the horrible truth on her own, or Randy is referring to the present, and is still using EHarmony to find his soul mate. Sorry, Laura. You're ok for now, but Randy's still playing the electronic field. He thinks he can do better. I'm not so sure.

I'll wrap up by getting back to Laura's original comment- "...By the time I met Randy, I knew what I was looking for." You know, I find it really hard to believe that you couldn't find an overweight, average-looking, lonely geek who lies about his musical instrument preference without paying an online dating service to do it for you. I also find it really hard to believe that Randy is what you described as your dream match when you filled out your profile. But hey, I'm happy for you if you are happy for yourself, and wish you all the best.

Until Randy is "matched" with someone who doesn't know about his accordion, of course.

Can "Punch Dub Days" PLEASE be over now?

Enough already. I mean it. Enough of watching drooling passive-aggressive mouth-breathers looking for excuses to punch people in the arm. Enough of these same passive-aggressive morons thinking that there's something clever about buying in to the latest corporate ad campaign (you know it's the same crowd of people who, when Punch Dub Days are finally concluded, will go right back to singing "Five Dollar Foot Longs" for the Subway cameras and "Freeeeesssssshhhh" for the good people at Maxwell House.

Which "Punch Dub Days" commercial finally drove me over the edge (no pun intended?) This one for the Volkswagen Tiguan, which features a shiny black VW roaring through an urban center at roughly 80 mph, leaving clouds of dust and people punching each other in it's wake. People punching each other HARD- a woman slamming her fist into her friend's shoulder gets an "ouch!" before the requisite "Where?", for example. The damn car is moving so freaking fast, that the "punchline" (sorry) is that while one person announces "black one!" and hits his friend in the shoulder, the other person can only respond "where?"- because the car is long gone.

One person in this commercial is piling boxes onto a truck, and is almost knocked off balance by his asshole "friend" who feels compelled to punch him in the arm and announce "black one!" The box-carrier is not in the least bit annoyed, of course. He just wants to know "where?"

Meanwhile, the black VW Tiguan continues to blast it's way through what are almost certainly 25-mph zones when the roads are not closed and a Professional Driver is not at the wheel. Don't try to cross the street in this town- or a sharp punch to the shoulder and "black one!" might be the last thing you feel and hear before becoming a wet spot in this car's grille.

Here's the big problem, Volkswagen: When "Slug Bug" was a cute, inoffensive driving game back in the 70s, it worked because Volkswagens didn't look like every other freaking car on the road. Volkswagen Bugs were different. The were unique. They had their own look- they were the anti-car, the car that gave the middle finger to the idea of cars as status symbols. Driving a Volkswagen was a way of announcing to the world "I'm not buying in. I want to get from Point A to Point B, and I don't give a shit about showing well for the neighbors while I do it." My first two cars were Volkswagen Bugs. I froze in the winter, melted in the summer, and hoped I wouldn't get into an accident, because they didn't have seatbelts. But I never had any problem finding my car in a crowded parking lot, because my car didn't look like all the others.

There's nothing unique about the 21st century version of Volkswagens. They don't look markedly different from Hondas, Toyotas, or Hyundais. Creating a car that looked like All The Other Cars on the Road was your decision, not ours.

So stop trying to recapture the past, ok?

And please, take my word for it- except for the people you paid to be mentally deficient stooges in your commercials, nobody wants to play "Punch Dub." It's really not fun to be punched in the arm by an idiot when one of your SameMobiles drives by, and getting punched doesn't inspire people to buy one. Go figure.

And please- go out and find a new ad campaign. Now.