Could you turn off your teeth? I'm trying to get some sleep!

This is almost unbelievably bad. For one thing, there's no script- just women insisting that their recently-arrived friend with the freakish glowing mouth is "in love" (how exactly does love make your teeth capable of warning ships away from rocky coasts, anyway?) and brushing off her "no I'm nots" with pointless "yes you are" blather.

Second, good lord, what is with that mouth? Change the shading to green, and I'd think this woman had just eaten a bowl of nuclear waste. Her busybody loser friends really ought be put on their blublockers before their retinas burn out for good.

Finally- you've got great teeth, lady. We GET IT. If you don't want people to think that something's different about you, stop grinning like a lunatic. Nobody's telling great jokes, your "friends" don't look like the type of people to fill one with irrepressible delight, and we aren't interested in actually counting your pearlies, ok? You want people to stop asking you what's up? Stop showing us your damned gums already. You look like a moron.

A great commercial for Birth Control

Oh, look at the adorable "picky eater." We know she's adorable because she speaks in a high-pitched sing-song voice and has pigtails (otherwise, we'd have no clue. Believe me.)

"We really need some broccoli" says mom out loud. Why she's speaking out loud, I don't know. Why she's speaking at all, I don't know. Because clearly, she really ought to be just asking the person in charge what she wants to eat.

"I don't like broccoli" announces the little monster. An "I've heard this before" look crosses Mommy's face, but the broccoli goes in the cart, and we move on.

"And....some chicken" says mom. (Maybe she's trying to build vocab skills for her spawn of Satan?)

"I don't like chicken" announces her daughter. Again, look of despair from Mommy. Kind of odd, because Mommy has the answer...

A six-pack of PediaSure comes off the shelf. Daughter responds with a really creepy "I see I've trained you well, monkey" look on her face- a look which is repeated later, as we see her sipping the white liquid as mom hovers nearby, apparently ready to take the nasty stuff away if her Precious Little One expresses the slightest displeasure at this most recent- but assuredly not first- attempt to appease the brat.

"I don't think I like waffles....." is the last line we get from this wretched little monster as her mother, no doubt cursing her own fertility, heads down the aisle again in yet another vain attempt to find some solid food her daughter will eat without bitching.

What a great message. If your 5-year old "won't" eat vegetables, meat, etc, no problem- just keep looking until you find some food they will "agree" to consume without causing disharmony in the home (which, as we all know from the example set by Veruca Salt's parents, is most important anyway.) Don't try different recipes to make veggies and poultry more attractive. Don't model good eating habits. Just cater. Who cares if the kid never learns to consume important vitamins and minerals naturally? There are pills for that.

And there are pills for mommy, too, when she finally cracks from spending every waking hour trying to appease this brat. Because I'm pretty damned sure this doesn't start and end with food- I'm sure Daughter doesn't like the radio station mommy listens to in the car, the wallpaper in the living room, the clothes she and mommy picked out yesterday, or the preschool's selection of playground equipment. What's your answer to that problem, PediaSure?

"Mine is a very familiar story..."

“Hi, I’m Ellen. Like pretty much every woman on tv who is sharing screen time with a guy, I’m smart, competent, and cute. I’m also long-suffering because of my friend Dave, here. Like pretty much every guy on tv who is sharing screen time with a girl, Dave is a fat, clueless bag of uncombed, unshaven fertilizer who couldn’t find his ass with two flashlights and a GPS.”

“As is always the case with the female side of any guy-girl relationship on television, my cool industriousness keeps our small corner of the world from spinning into chaos, while Dave would probably stick his foot into a bucket of water while sucking on a power cord if I let him out of my sight for more than five minutes.

I’m long-suffering, because my ‘partner,’ Dave here, is constantly attempting to undermine our ability to survive in a competitive environment merely by Being Dave- a clunky, clumsy, worthless road block I must be constantly swerving around as I drag us both to the top.

I imagine that Dave and I would be getting our own sitcom in the near future, except for the fact that- let’s face it- our story has been told a thousand times on a thousand different shows dating back to the 1970s at least. Actually, I’m pretty sure that Hugh Beaumont was the last fully functional male to appear on an American television, and even he had to be pulled back to the straight and narrow by Barbara Billingsley from time to time.

So for now, please sit back and enjoy episode #213,497 in television’s longest-running show, “The Adventures of Intelligent Beautiful Woman and her Dimwitted Dumbass Male Partner.’ My only request is that you continue to avoid asking the obvious question- ‘why does she put up with this shit?’ Because to that query, I’m sorry to report, there is no answer.”

After serious consideration, I've decided that I'd rather just be sad

What? You’re taking an anti-depressant, and you STILL find yourself huddled in the dark corner of the palatial estate your husband slaved to provide for you? Ok, Drama Queen- since you insist, we are going to add something to your treatment- a prescription for Abilify.

Now, we should tell you that there ARE some possible side effects. Nothing to be all that concerned about- but Tell Your Doctor if you experience thoughts of suicide.

“Gosh, doctor, thoughts of suicide are why I asked for an anti-depressant in the first place. I’m starting to suspect that Abilify is just a sugar pill.”

Oh yeah? Well, would taking a sugar pill increase risk of Death and Stroke in some patients? How about fever and stiff muscles? Confusion? Uncontrollable muscle movement which “may become permanent?” High blood sugar, which may lead to Coma or Death? Dizziness upon standing? Seizures? Impaired Motor Skills? Trouble Swallowing? Did I mention DEATH? That would be some sugar pill, wouldn’t it?

“Adding Abilify has made a difference for me.” Yes, we can see that. Sometimes you almost manage to smile, though it still looks like your face would shatter if you didn’t fall back into your usual mope immediately afterwards.

We thought Abilify would help in your case. It’s hard to remember that you are depressed when you are fighting off the most horrifying list of side effects every associated with a drug which is supposed to make life more bearable. (The deep, dark secret pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to know: Life isn’t Supposed to be Much More than Bearable.)

And being followed by Glenn Beck’s chalkboard? Just a friendly reminder that you’ve been catered to long enough. Now shut up, half-smile, and walk aimlessly up and down piers with your family in between sitting in dark theaters. Because we won’t have anything more mind-altering than Abilify available until at least Labor day.

Get your free sample off the coast of Louisiana, any day now!

Oh, ,what joy! A group of fun-loving cartoon infants rolling down the road, heading for who-knows-where to do who-knows-what, rejecting Brand X gas along the way despite the fact that the needle is rapidly approaching "E." (Not only rejecting, but rejecting with rank disdain- I believe that one of the cartoon babies actually holds it's nose at the idea of filling the tank with Not-BP Gasoline.)

Finally, our animated toddlers have discovered a BP station ("Say Hey!") and can continue their odyssey knowing that their gas tank is filled with Only The Best. Off they go, into the Pale Green Yonder.

From this commercial, let a million parodies bloom. Where are these kids going? I sure hope it's not the Gulf of Mexico, where their "We love BP" song may not go over so well among the larger population of car-driving children who have already stopped singing to note the economic disaster which has washed ashore on once-pristine beaches. No smiling fish, shrimp, crabs, oysters or seagulls here! And I doubt that green would be the prominent color, either, except of course in the thought-bubbles of BP execs, who decided that a $500,000 shut-off valve was an unnecessary expense for a company that made more than $4 billion in profits last quarter.

So please, all you wonderful, computer-savvy artists out there- let's see your best efforts snarking all over this commercial, which sure seems to be trying to sell us on the idea that the way to joyful times and endless fun is gasoline courtesy of British Petroleum. (Tell it to the waterfowl, assholes.) I'll be watching YouTube in hopeful anticipation, and will embed my favorite videos right here. Don't let me down!

Another Crazy Woman and her I-Phone

"We decided we wanted a dog." I can only assume that "we" means the female narrator and her f--ing I-Phone, because my brain rebels against the idea of this woman having a relationship with another human being. Anyway, allow me to paraphrase the next line- "I wasn't willing to get off my expanding ass to go to the shelter, so I ran my finger along the screen of my Life Partner until I found a local shelter which had conveniently taken photos of every dog it had available."

Back to the actual script: "We fell in love with Bailey." Well, that's nice. Cute dog.

"We took millions of pictures." Seriously? Millions? Of a dog?

"Of course, we sent them to all our friends." You mean ex-friends. Or Facebook friends- the ones you've never met, will never meet, don't give a damn that you live and won't bat an eye when you die. The kind that don't mind being buried by photographs of your dog, or being reminded that you are really, really nuts about your I-Phone.

"And when we couldn't take him with us..." we set up a webcam and kept an eye on him with....well, what else?

"Thanks to my I-Phone, our family is now.....complete!" Yes, it is. You, your I-Phone, and a dog. I hope you are all very happy together. And I guess it's some comfort that your dog will never know that he would have had no chance of being adopted by you if you hadn't purchased an I-Phone, because God Fucking Forbid you were going to flip through some philistine phone book to find a shelter and head over to, I don't know, actually look at a real live dog instead of picking one out based on a tiny photo. Because I'm sure I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that choosing a family pet might require a little more effort than ordering a pizza or buying a pair of sneakers online.

We all know that it's only a matter of time before people are adopting children through a downloadable App, right? Are we all ready to act surprised when this happens?

The Sad Demise of the "History" Channel

I love history. When I was a kid, I'd spend hours poring over old history textbooks, looking for maps, graphs and charts and reading about Abraham Lincoln, Daniel Webster, and Andrew Jackson. I'd draw maps of imaginary battle sites and imagine that I was the general leading troops to victory. I'd give speeches like I was Henry Clay addressing the Senate. I was what you'd call a geek, I guess- still am.

There used to be a cable channel made just for people like me. It was called The History Channel. Sure, it was overladen with World War II footage- there are only so many times I really care to see "Hitler's Generals" and "Dogfights!" and interviews with ancient vets, but I understood that the channel's archives contained several million miles of footage so what the heck? And sure, the channel's producers seemed to have a bit of an obsession with the occult- multiple "Salem Witch Trials" and "Secrets of Nostradamus" (and "Secrets of Nostradamus's SON") programs got a bit wearisome.

But something very tragic has happened to this history geek's favorite cable channel. It's simply not about "History" anymore. Check out this lineup: Axe Men, Pawn Stars, Monster Quest, Ancient Aliens: The Series, UFO Hunters, That's Impossible, Gangland, Ice Road Truckers (on the air roughly six hours a day.) I mean, what the hell? When did The History Channel decide to pick up programming ideas found in the dumpsters behind USA and TBS?

It's really depressing when your odds of finding a HISTORY program on The History Channel are only slightly better than your odds of finding a music video on MTV. I can't imagine why history geeks would want to watch the current version of The History Channel. Or non-history geeks, for that matter.

Hey, History Channel- how about getting back to showing us, you know, History? I imagine it's cheaper and safer to just copy the other lame, shoestring-budget cable offerings out there, but as one of the Axe Men opines into the camera you shoved in his face, "Life without Risks is Mediocre." So is your current lineup. Mediocre, and not History.