Where I Will Be

Every year, I spend the first week in June in Louisville Kentucky, grading Advanced Placement history exam essays. I also manage to see a few things highlighted in this Ad- Fourth Street Live is across the street from my hotel and the Kentucky Convention Center, where I spend eight hours a day for six days with 1200 other teachers grading, is connected by a walkway. The Louisville Slugger museum and factory is pretty cool. The water park down by the Ohio River is fun, especially since it's usually in the low-90s each day I'm there. And I go to pretty much every Bats game scheduled during my "working vacation"- this year, I'll get to watch them take on the Pawtucket Red Sox four times, which will be great.

I guess this ad was made before the dedication of the Abraham Lincoln Memorial, which highlights Lincoln's youth in a series of statues and plaques. Too bad, because that's one of my favorite spots in this nice little town.

And yes, Louisville does feature some of the more mundane things shown in this commercial- women walking down the street yakking on their cell phones. And fat people. Lots and lots of fat people. Heavy, greasy food is popular in Louisville. At the Bats game, you can get a basket of ribs and fried chicken sitting on a pile of french fries for $9.95. I don't know you eat that when it's humid and tipping 90 degrees, but I've seen people do it. And wash it all down with a milkshake.

I got a chance to go out to Churchill Downs my first year, just so I could say I did, and drank a mint julep. Not really worth a return trip because I don't know anything about horseracing. The Muhammad Ali Cultural Center is interesting though, and I had a beer at a small tavern once patronized by Charles Dickens and which was the site of a duel between two Civil War generals.

The waterfront is the best feature of this town- beautiful running paths, parks, and views of real steamboats moving up and down the Ohio River. It should get more attention in this ad.

Anyway, this is where I will be until the 9th, which explains why there won't be any new posts until then. See you all when I get back!

Where I Won't Be

Kayaking! Deserts! Motorcycles! Deserts! Rafting! Deserts! Swimming! Golf! Come to Utah, where it's possible to cram some activity into every moment of your day in a panicked rush! Where whatever you are doing will hold your interest for such a short period of time, you'll feel compelled to call out "what's next?" before dad's VISA transaction has been approved. Are these people on speed, or what?

Seriously- "what's next?" Why not just have the actors mutter "Now What?" It means the same thing, Utah Department of Tourism. While it appears that these people are having a good time, it's also clear that what looks fun on tv gets old really, really fast. It's fun to jump off a boat into a pristine lake ringed by ancient rock formations- once or twice. It's fun to drive an ATV around in the desert- for about five minutes. It's fun to play golf- but we can do this in the other forty-nine states, too.

And the underlying message woven into pretty much every scene is- Come to Utah, We Have Lots of Big Orange Rocks. And tourists with ADD.

Know What's Unbelievably Depressing about this ad?

No, not the idea that anyone would WANT to use a big screen TV to "twitter, access YouTube, or update your Facebook" ( wasn't anyone paying attention to the All-Wise Betty White on SNL? Facebook is a huge waste of time, people!!

No, not that an alleged grown-up and co-head of household can find no way to express his "amazement" than to repeat the word "boom."

No, here's the unbelievably depressing part- that this guy knew that even though his two children and wife were within ten feet of the living room, all three would have their eyes and attention fixed on a little glowing screen, and that his best chance of distracting them long enough to notice that the "family" has purchased a shiny new toy was to "tweet" them.

That even beats out the fact that none of these people- NONE- show even the smallest of vocabularies. All they can do is grunt with pleasure at the bigger version of what they were already looking at before the big, older guy who bought this junk pulled them away from their "social networking" (gag, please- there's nothing "social" about typing messages, ok? Go out and talk to people face to face, spuds-for-brains!)

But on second thought, it may not beat out this little nugget- now the entire family gets to watch as Little Brother updates his Facebook account instead of doing his homework. Except- we see that each member of the family already has access to all these "services" already. What is the POINT of being able to do this on your tv, unless you are a friendless loser with your own apartment and no actual social life beyond the imaginary one you built with the help of Fios?

And those who don't know?

Don’t you just love it when you see an ad which should include a little disclaimer at the beginning: “if you aren’t one of the Gray Flannel Suit set, running around like ants to feed some insatiable money monster in the hopes that some of the money you push around might end up in your pocket, ignore the following message?”

I mean, what the hell is going on in this commercial? Assuming that these people are equals in whatever bloodsucking corporation they shuffle papers for (it’s a big, heartless corporation dedicated to the fundamental principles of Uber-Capitalism, that’s all we know- and we only know that because these two figures are emerging from a row of Grecian columns that would do the Parthenon proud,) why did one employee know about the “problem” with the “effective tax rate” while the other was left in the dark? Not only has the female employee here heard all about the problem, she also knows that it caused some guy named “Reilly” to hit the roof, that the solution- “bringing in BPO”- has already been agreed on, and that “the partners” are already “on it.”

“People who know...trust BPO.” And the people who DON’T know what the hell this is supposed to be selling? None of our damned business, I guess. I do think it’s funny that this guy’s contribution to the conversation is to mutter “good” at the conclusion- as if anyone really wants his opinion on the subject, whatever the hell it was. Problem discovered, problem discussed, and problem solved without your input, Mr. Widget. See how important you are to the firm? Feel more secure in your job now?

"No, Ma'am, I don't have ESP. I'm just an antisocial jerk."

First rule of salesmanship- do not reveal your utter contempt for the person you are trying to convince to buy your product. Remember, the customer has all the power until she has walked out of the store with your product in her cart. Acting like a total ass who doesn’t give a damn who she is or whether she buys what you are trying to sell is NOT the mark of a good salesman-however, I would take a moment to alert security that there is a crazy woman in the store who came in looking for shampoo but is now opening boxes and eating food she hasn't paid for. "I'll take a box?" Yes, you sure will, lady. That one in your hand.

Second rule of salesmanship- don’t be rude. I’ve never met a successful salesman who did what the guy in this FiberOne commercial does- insisting on interrupting the customer as she attempts to ask questions, treating her as if he wishes she would just get the hell out of his face and stop infringing on his personal space, and speaking to her through an upturned nose as if to say “Yes, you Illiterate American Monkey, there’s just as much fiber in this cereal as the box claims.”

Third rule of salesmanship- don’t let your customer know that you hate your job. The guy in this commercial looks and acts like a PhD discharged from his position at a prominent East Coast University because the administration and his fellow staff members simply could no longer bear to be around him- plus, there was that little “incident” with the coed. He looks and acts as if he’s just a few seconds away from murdering one of his lessors for daring to treat him as if he’s just a guy handing out free samples, and he wasn’t once one of the most brilliant physics professors to come out of Pakistan.

Fourth rule of salesmanship- Know your product. The less attractive it is, the better your pitch has to be. If you are selling pencil shavings stuffed with gluten that will create the sensation of having a rock in your abdomen if you manage to keep it down, you are going to have to come up with a seriously attractive ad campaign. The insufferable little knob who stars in this commercial acts as if Box O’ Twigs is something everyone loves to eat anyway, so his biggest problem should be keeping the shelves full.

Finally, FiberOne really ought to stop taking ad tips from Volkswagen- it really isn’t a good idea to leave your potential customers thinking “gee, what a dick” when the commercial ends.

You WILL be Assimilated

I bet this guy had dreams, once. I bet they didn't include growing up to be fat, balding patsy for Dominos, willingly whoring out his miserable life and his equally trailer park-ready wife and clinging spawn for a few seconds of "fame," such as it is.

I mean, just look at this choad. We are told that he's "one of the few holdouts" who have yet to try Dominos "new" pizza. Well, how DARE he not want to add to his already-likely spiking cholesterol count by chowing down on Dominos patented carbs, cheese, and sugar-laded tomato sauce, delivered right to your door so you don't even have to get off your expanding butt any longer than it takes to hand over the cash?

Maybe Scott realized that while the Rogaine didn't work, it wasn't too late to increase his intake of fruits, veggies and whole grains and cut out the processed crap, only to discover that his decision to actually consider what he's putting into his mouth means he's going to be harassed from all angles, with billboards and banners projecting a spotlight on the nonconformist until he joins the rest of America in the Land of the Morbidly Obese?

So which is it, Scott? Are you just a shameless loser who thought that America would enjoy watching you and your ugly family pretend to succumb to peer pressure and finally accept the fact that eating greasy, artery-clogging junk is What We Do Here in the USA? Or are you a guy who had just decided to turn his life around, only to be stalked by a pizza franchise until you agreed to shovel poison into your mouth while muttering "this is really good (and hopefully thought-bubbling "now please, I beg of you- get off my porch, before McDonald's learns I haven't taken advantage of their Two Triple Cheeseburgers for Three Dollars Deal- my doctor said that my next coronary will almost certainly be my last?")

Sucks to be you, parents of children age 5-10

Owen Wilson. George Lopez. Digitally created dogs doing things real dogs can't do. Digitally created dogs doing things real dogs do all the time- things we don't watch in real life and don't want to see on a giant screen. An hour and a half of dog-related "humor," including a fire hydrant/ scoop and poop jokes arriving, by my best estimate, roughly every four or five minutes.

Maybe you don't think your kid is stupid enough, and you decide to pour gasoline over his brain cells by taking him to see this unbelievably bad-looking pile of dreck. Maybe you think "aw, 90 minutes isn't very long- no matter how bad it is, it will be over before I know it." Here's a reminder- ninety minutes can, under the wrong circumstances, be a very long time. Imagine watching three straight episodes of "Hello, Dear."

Maybe you think you'll be spending time in the theater restroom- that will kill four or five minutes, right? And another ten minutes at the candy counter- best $20 you ever spent, because you are being spared having to sit there and watch Marmaduke do intensely unfunny things and listen to the kid you once thought might go to Harvard laugh hysterically at each and every one. And that kid being spared hearing from his father "you are not my son."

(Well, that's what I would say.)

Maybe you didn't pay attention to the trailer, so you thought that this would be a family-friendly, "sure it's manipulative and witless but at least it has a nice message" inoffensive way to spend an afternoon. But here's the message I got from the two minutes of pain I put myself through to create this blog post: Big dogs can't be trained. Moron dog owners who leave untrained big dogs in houses have every right to be outraged when that untrained big dog acts like...well, a dog. Oh, and Moron Dog Owners who aren't willing to train big dogs are perfectly justified in crating up that big dog and sending it away.

Animals are disposable. Yes, that's the message we should ALL want our little ones to absorb. Right?

I don't go to movies because the last two times I attempted to watch a film in a theater, I had to yell at someone to put their god damned cell phone away. For Marmaduke, however, I would give adults a pass. Text, tweet, and download away, people. I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures. Hell, feel free to take out your Flo TVs- maybe there's something good on. Sure, you paid to gain entrance into the theater- that doesn't mean you should be forced to watch this stinking pile of refuse.

But before you give in and toss your offspring into the back of the family SUV to head off to the local multiplex, ask yourself this: Wouldn't it be better to just say No, bring your kids to the park to see real dogs and enjoy some fresh air (keep your cell phone in your pocket- those kids will be adults before you can blink) and avoid in advance being bugged to take them to see Marmaduke II, III and IV?