And dad said I'd never amount to anything

Sometimes, the snark just seems superfluous. Really, what else is there to say about this ad that isn't already right there on the screen? Here's a twenty-something ass who has clearly devoted a great deal of time running his finger around a keypad, and has become an "expert" at it. Now he's going to get some certificate from the good people at Guinness Book of World Records which says that until some 13-year old teenager takes his "crown," he's the fastest texter in the world. He no longer has to settle for having that reputation among his "friends." He no longer has to attempt to dazzle the people around him with his supercharged reflexes and hope that they notice (god knows he's not going to attract their attention by being interesting, witty, or worth paying notice to in any way.) Now he's got a certificate to wave in our faces- Look at Me, I can text really, really fast.

Here's my advice for this guy, free of charge:

Quick, contact the first grade teacher who told you that if you didn't settle down and pay attention during class, you'd be held back. Find the High School Guidance Counselor who told you that if you didn't put your phone away and concentrate on your studies, you'd never get that 2.0 GPA up, and you would be lucky to get into DeVry. Track down that girlfriend who dumped you when she got sick of you spending 90 percent of every date updating your twitter account at the speed of light. Let them know what you've accomplished here. Success is the best revenge, after all.

Above all, contact Mom and Dad and tell them that Their Son has made his mark in the world. No, he didn't get that job. No, he's not moving out of the basement quite yet. Yes, he's still going to need help making his car payments. But look how fast Their Son can text!

And to think that your parents wanted you to put the X-Box away before 2 AM on school nights. Shows what they knew about parenting, doesn't it?

I think that "award" from Guinness will look good next to the G.E.D., don't you?

You're so much lumpier than on Facebook

It's epic! It's massive! It's Rosa, a dim bulb with a cute face and a phone who has been chosen to find out if those 800-plus losers who took five seconds to add their names to her "Social Network" (snigger, condescend) are really her "friends." Well, why the hell not, if it's on someone else's dime? It's not like Rosa has a lot going on with her life right now, right?

After all, with Rosa, it's all about her phone and the internet. Thank God, they've been combined- no more long nights stuck in front of the laptop, updating what isn't going on in Rosa's "Social Life" (cough-loser-cough) beyond leaving messages for other anonymous potatoes she's "met" online. Now Rosa can stare at a slightly smaller screen while she sits on buses, sits on trains, sits on park benches, sits in class, sits in her car narrowly avoiding sideswiping me as I was just trying to get to work, dammit-- all the while gazing at the 21st century's version of the Idiot Box. Good for you, Rosa.

And now she's off to actually meet the carbon-based life forms she's been aimlessly texting as the years of her youth have flown by. And finding disappointment. Eww, this one wants me to come to his condo to watch some documentary. Eww, this one doesn't respond to Rosa's "aren't I as hot as the picture I posted for every sexual predator on the planet to see?" query with the enthusiasm Rosa has come to expect from her largely imaginary "friends."

Bottom line- the end result of Rosa's Epic, Massive Journey of Personal Discovery is the confirmation of her theory that people are basically smelly, obnoxious, fat little lumps of sweaty paste who really ought to be experienced through screenames and tweets, not in the flesh. Online, "friends" are always there for you- God Knows they are never without their phones, and thanks to Kin, this means that they'll never be offline, ever. In 3D (the thought is actually quite frightening, don't you think?) "friends" are way too real, and talking to them face to face is awkward, confusing, and more than a little icky. As Rosa might put it, its just eww lol. I mean, you know how hard it is to just sign off on someone when they are sitting across the table from you?

I'm pretty sure that this is the real message of Kin- Cyber Friends are the only kind of friends to have. Real people suck. Rosa has learned his lesson, so you don't have to. Besides, just try to make 800 friends in the real world! I dare you!

They allow this, but they banned the Marlboro Man?

I never thought I’d live to see advertisements for hard drugs. In this commercial for Acid, we see an adorable little cartoon family, clearly zoned out and defeated by life and more than willing to embrace the sweet release of death, suddenly cured of their ennui by dropping just a little of the magical hallucinogenic (I’m not sure I would actually encourage the taking of LSD while driving, but hey, that’s me. Call me a prude.)

Now look how happy everyone is- flying through the air, carrying huge sandwiches, dancing with gyrating gas pumps, landing on toilets. I mean, this makes the imagery of The Yellow Submarine look subtle. The makers of this ad leave no doubt- Acid is simply awesome, and the world will look so much better, so much greener, so much more pale-yellowish than you ever dreamed possible once you’ve consumed some. Yes, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds was forty years ago- but the promise, the possibility, the dream lives on.

What? This commercial isn’t about the joy of doing hard drugs? Come on. What else could it be about?

Where I Will Be

Every year, I spend the first week in June in Louisville Kentucky, grading Advanced Placement history exam essays. I also manage to see a few things highlighted in this Ad- Fourth Street Live is across the street from my hotel and the Kentucky Convention Center, where I spend eight hours a day for six days with 1200 other teachers grading, is connected by a walkway. The Louisville Slugger museum and factory is pretty cool. The water park down by the Ohio River is fun, especially since it's usually in the low-90s each day I'm there. And I go to pretty much every Bats game scheduled during my "working vacation"- this year, I'll get to watch them take on the Pawtucket Red Sox four times, which will be great.

I guess this ad was made before the dedication of the Abraham Lincoln Memorial, which highlights Lincoln's youth in a series of statues and plaques. Too bad, because that's one of my favorite spots in this nice little town.

And yes, Louisville does feature some of the more mundane things shown in this commercial- women walking down the street yakking on their cell phones. And fat people. Lots and lots of fat people. Heavy, greasy food is popular in Louisville. At the Bats game, you can get a basket of ribs and fried chicken sitting on a pile of french fries for $9.95. I don't know you eat that when it's humid and tipping 90 degrees, but I've seen people do it. And wash it all down with a milkshake.

I got a chance to go out to Churchill Downs my first year, just so I could say I did, and drank a mint julep. Not really worth a return trip because I don't know anything about horseracing. The Muhammad Ali Cultural Center is interesting though, and I had a beer at a small tavern once patronized by Charles Dickens and which was the site of a duel between two Civil War generals.

The waterfront is the best feature of this town- beautiful running paths, parks, and views of real steamboats moving up and down the Ohio River. It should get more attention in this ad.

Anyway, this is where I will be until the 9th, which explains why there won't be any new posts until then. See you all when I get back!

Where I Won't Be

Kayaking! Deserts! Motorcycles! Deserts! Rafting! Deserts! Swimming! Golf! Come to Utah, where it's possible to cram some activity into every moment of your day in a panicked rush! Where whatever you are doing will hold your interest for such a short period of time, you'll feel compelled to call out "what's next?" before dad's VISA transaction has been approved. Are these people on speed, or what?

Seriously- "what's next?" Why not just have the actors mutter "Now What?" It means the same thing, Utah Department of Tourism. While it appears that these people are having a good time, it's also clear that what looks fun on tv gets old really, really fast. It's fun to jump off a boat into a pristine lake ringed by ancient rock formations- once or twice. It's fun to drive an ATV around in the desert- for about five minutes. It's fun to play golf- but we can do this in the other forty-nine states, too.

And the underlying message woven into pretty much every scene is- Come to Utah, We Have Lots of Big Orange Rocks. And tourists with ADD.

Know What's Unbelievably Depressing about this ad?

No, not the idea that anyone would WANT to use a big screen TV to "twitter, access YouTube, or update your Facebook" ( wasn't anyone paying attention to the All-Wise Betty White on SNL? Facebook is a huge waste of time, people!!

No, not that an alleged grown-up and co-head of household can find no way to express his "amazement" than to repeat the word "boom."

No, here's the unbelievably depressing part- that this guy knew that even though his two children and wife were within ten feet of the living room, all three would have their eyes and attention fixed on a little glowing screen, and that his best chance of distracting them long enough to notice that the "family" has purchased a shiny new toy was to "tweet" them.

That even beats out the fact that none of these people- NONE- show even the smallest of vocabularies. All they can do is grunt with pleasure at the bigger version of what they were already looking at before the big, older guy who bought this junk pulled them away from their "social networking" (gag, please- there's nothing "social" about typing messages, ok? Go out and talk to people face to face, spuds-for-brains!)

But on second thought, it may not beat out this little nugget- now the entire family gets to watch as Little Brother updates his Facebook account instead of doing his homework. Except- we see that each member of the family already has access to all these "services" already. What is the POINT of being able to do this on your tv, unless you are a friendless loser with your own apartment and no actual social life beyond the imaginary one you built with the help of Fios?

And those who don't know?

Don’t you just love it when you see an ad which should include a little disclaimer at the beginning: “if you aren’t one of the Gray Flannel Suit set, running around like ants to feed some insatiable money monster in the hopes that some of the money you push around might end up in your pocket, ignore the following message?”

I mean, what the hell is going on in this commercial? Assuming that these people are equals in whatever bloodsucking corporation they shuffle papers for (it’s a big, heartless corporation dedicated to the fundamental principles of Uber-Capitalism, that’s all we know- and we only know that because these two figures are emerging from a row of Grecian columns that would do the Parthenon proud,) why did one employee know about the “problem” with the “effective tax rate” while the other was left in the dark? Not only has the female employee here heard all about the problem, she also knows that it caused some guy named “Reilly” to hit the roof, that the solution- “bringing in BPO”- has already been agreed on, and that “the partners” are already “on it.”

“People who know...trust BPO.” And the people who DON’T know what the hell this is supposed to be selling? None of our damned business, I guess. I do think it’s funny that this guy’s contribution to the conversation is to mutter “good” at the conclusion- as if anyone really wants his opinion on the subject, whatever the hell it was. Problem discovered, problem discussed, and problem solved without your input, Mr. Widget. See how important you are to the firm? Feel more secure in your job now?