"Shhh! We're Out of Pediasure and Mac'n Cheese!"

Here's another episode in The Adventures of Awesome Parenting. Soon To Be Obese Brat is happily chowing down on lard-laced faux food- this time, it's "'Chef" Boyardee's Big Ravioli. He thinks it's crap (and he's right) but it tastes good, so who cares?

Dad comes in and does a "bad" thing, trying to tell his son that hey, that mystery meat he loves not only has a full day's supply of fat and salt, but it also contains an entire SERVING of vegetables. Mom is mortified- if Son realizes that sometimes vegetables taste good, he might- umm, what exactly? Become more open-minded about eating vegetables? Can't have that!

So mom witlessly whacks away at the pots and pans in order to drown out the word " vegetables." Oh, the hilarity. Son will be spared the knowledge that "vegetable" does not necessarily mean "yucky," and he'll finish his lunch thinking mom is a freaking lunatic who likes to remind daddy that he has no business talking to her son about anything, especially nutrition.

After all, if dad was encouraged to do a little research, he might discover that the "serving of vegetables" hardly evens out the fact that this stuff is basically poison, and encouraging your kids to lie quietly on the couch and eat Cheez-Its every weekend would be only slightly less neglectful than serving this rubbish. He might start to ask mommy questions like "how did our kid get control of the family menu so completely that the word 'vegetable' is now verboten in MY HOUSE?" or "We obviously have plenty of money- can't we do better than a $2 can of tomatoey sludge for the guy who is going to carry on our family name?" or "Umm...shouldn't we be teaching our child to appreciate fruits and vegetables instead of catering to his childish prejudices- I mean, don't we have some responsibility here beyond making sure he has clothes and a place to sleep?" or "Is this why you insist on being a Stay At Home Mom? Because you were afraid the Daycare would spoil our son with celery sticks, carrots and yogurt?"

Better watch it, dad- Mommy is pretty handy with those pots and pans, though obviously she doesn't use them much for cooking.

Or maybe I've got Mom all wrong- maybe she's afraid that if her son finds out that Big Canned Ravioli is even remotely good for him, he'll demand it at every meal. "Hey, I want my VEGETABLES, Mommy! Get the can opener!" Then all she'll be able to look forward to is seeing Her Precious One on The Biggest Loser in a decade or so. By then, Dad will have snapped under the pressure of Mom's oppression, filed for divorce, and started life anew with a sane woman.

What tax cuts for the wealthy hath wrought

Can I just take a moment to note how much I hate the idea of people having so much damned money that they would choose to have something like this installed in their home? I mean, Jesus, how many thousands of dollars does this gluttonous monstrosity cost? Does it come with a yard sign which reads "the inhabitants of this suburban castle have one of those room-sized showers which allow the user to personalize the water temperature and pressure, so feel free to allow your dog to despoil this lawn?" "The residents found within can be seen in commercials bitching about brokerage fees- feel free to 'brokerage' a window as you pass by?"

"The middle-aged self-satisfied jackasses living inside are delighted with the recent comments of Rand Paul and certainly hope that the Unemployed of the United States get off their lazy asses and pull themselves up by their bootstraps, like their grandparents did?" Although you know, it's funny but in none of the dozen or so Horatio Alger books I've read has the hard-working, frank, honest and dutiful boy risen from the ranks to achieve such a pointless symbol of conspicuous consumption.

BTW, are we really supposed to feel any empathy for these pigs when they realize that the Kohler guy tested the installation by showering? They look mortified at the thought that their beautiful new bathroom has been defiled by one of the great unwashed (no pun intended.)

I suppose that if I just worked a little harder, maybe I could afford to convert half of my living space into a fricking shower. If I wanted to, and if I could first afford to have my social conscience surgically removed. Because commercials like this make MTV's Teen Cribs almost palatable. Almost.

Good to see that McChrystal has landed on his feet

I actually love commercials like this- completely amateurish, featuring people without the slightest hint of acting ability, unabashedly cheesy and apparently proud of it. I'm only including it as a This Commercial Sucks post so I can express my disdain for the dangerous, irresponsible idiots who have to resort to buying auto insurance from a service called simply "The General."

Nice young couple cooperate with a balding stereotype of a car salesman to create a High School Production skit entitled "buying a car." When the word "action!" is barked offstage, car salesman pretends to shuffle Paperwork Important in the Purchasing of an Automobile and announces "all I need now is proof of insurance."

Because this is the year 2010, cute girl (who is apparently cute guy's secretary) pulls out a mini-laptop so that her boss-boyfriend-child groom can "get a quote from 'The General.'" Ok then.

We learn that The General sells auto insurance, and can sign you up regardless of how many times you've slammed your car into trees, fence posts, mail boxes, other cars or human beings, how many times you've been caught speeding, driving on the median, or operating a motor vehicle while under the influence of legal or illegal drugs, or how old you are. Apparently The General has seen too much carnage in his life to judge you based on a few minor points like other insurance companies do. And for a down payment "as low as $59" (the small print reads that the average down payment is $125) you can get insurance with "low monthly payments." Wow, how convenient. Just like Rent-A-Center.

Except....hmmm. Down Payment? Is that subtracted from your monthly bill until it's paid down? "Low Monthly Payments?" Who pays their car insurance monthly? Oh yeah- the kind of people who have to make a down payment and buy insurance from a cartoon character dressed like Patton who drives around in a convertible with a penguin. The kind of people who can't buy insurance from an established company.

Still- who wouldn't want a quote from The General? Look what it did for Rolling Stone.

More Future Heart Disease patients endorsing everyone's favorite deadly orange goo

Here's the second of two annoying new Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercials, this one featuring the new "Homestyle" recipe which is supposed to appeal not to kids who can be excused for eating what their parents put in front of them and choosing favorite foods based on taste alone, but on adults who really ought to know better. I mean, really- eventually, most people realize that it's a good idea to brush your teeth even though your mom isn't there to make you anymore, regular bathing is important even if no one is dragging you to the tub, and making fatty garbage part of your regular diet is a mistake even if no one is watching and you are buying the "food" with your own money.

Oh, and putting bread crumbs on garbage and baking it doesn't make it less garbage, or more healthy. For the record, a "serving" of prepared Kraft Mac n' Cheese (one cup!) has 400 calories, 29% of the RDA for sodium, 19 grams of fat, and virtually no fiber. Bad enough for an adult, even worse for kids still developing the concept of "comfort food." Way to model good eating habits, idiots.

As for the commercial itself: Just like the previous one, this ad features an inattentive mom gabbing away on the phone in the background. Just like the previous one, it features a "precocious" little girl- this one is trying really, really hard to be a young Christina Ricci- muttering vague threats into the camera. This time, however, Dad isn't the target of the kid's venom. Dad doesn't even make an appearance- maybe he's already been wished into the cornfield. Mom's the one making the icky baked mac and cheese, yet she escapes blame, as the kid prefers to attack Kraft itself. Wednesday Addams's little missive is completed with a rather odd "as an eight-year old without any assets of my own and totally dependent on my parents for support, I'm warning you" declaration and a "please, Hollywood, can't you see I'm perfect for Casper II" eyebrow twitch.

I won't even comment on "Whatever happened to Cheesesaurus Rex, I loved that guy!" because I have no f--ing idea what the hell this girl is talking about. My guess is that she's referring to some lame ad campaign which fizzled out quite some time ago, when the makers of Kraft Mac and Cheese suddenly remembered who actually buys their product- adults with no cooking skills or common sense, and parents with no time or sense of responsibility or taste.

Happy Father's Day, from our friends at Kraft

This is the first of two posts I’ll be providing looking at Kraft’s new “precocious kids v. parents” ad campaign. They are pretty similar, but also different enough to deserve two posts- besides, it’s June and it’s hot and my summer vacation (I’m a High School teacher) is getting underway and I’ve got two weddings to attend in the next two weekends, so I’ll take easy gigs where I can get them...

In this ad, we return to the theme which is to ad agencies the bread and butter of the industry- overly intelligent, mouthy little brat and fat doofus slob dad. It’s SO familiar, in fact, that we “get it” before any words are spoken- there’s the kid facing the camera with way-too-serious look on her face. In the background, there’s dad hovering over a pot of simmering Heart Attack holding a wooden spoon. What comes next could NOT be more predictable (and no, that isn’t a challenge, ad agencies.)

Like all tv children, this one is thoroughly disgusted with her father, who can’t stop adding his personal spittle to the family dinner by constantly dipping the germ factory ladle into the pot of orange “cheese” and macaroni. Like all tv fathers, he’s a fat slob who has no idea he’s being panned by his offspring.

The final line- “dad, you’re embarrassing yourself” is a little more harsh than usual for these “let’s pick on the fat male in the room” ads, but not shockingly so. But here’s what I find particularly unsettling– just a few years ago, this could have been shrugged off as a “kid saying out loud what she’s thinking” slice of life. Today, it’s entirely possible that this little creep has activated her laptop’s camera and is filming the next episode of “My Fat Disgusting Father” for YouTube, and that dad really is embarrassing himself- in front of the whole, voyeristic, insane “privacy? what’s that?” modern world.

All that being said- that’s one nasty little creep you’re raising there, Dad. Time to have the “Daddy makes the money, Daddy buys the Mac and Cheese, Daddy skims off the top and is nice enough to share what’s left with Daughter” talk. And fast.

Wait till she finds out he hasn't had "that talk with the doctor" yet

Where to start?

1. This commercial features rank sexism. I mean, there is simply no way that an ad agency could sell a commercial featuring a good-looking guy ogling a prospective female employee, wondering if she's got both the "experience" and "energy" to "do the job." This guy is being assessed like a piece of meat- the interviewer isn't even asking him any questions.

2. This commercial features rank ageism. We are supposed to assume that this interviewer is perfectly comfortable with the idea of rejecting the white-haired guy because- well, eww, he's like, old. I mean, who wants grampa hanging around the office eight hours a day, even if he can "do the job?" Has Just for Men ever heard of these annoying things called Age Discrimination Laws?

I suppose we should be grateful that the good people at Just for Men at least had the good sense to cut out the last few seconds of the original ad, in which the slimy interviewer with the hot legs takes her New Hire by the arm and leads him away cooing "I've got big plans for you." Again- See Objection No. 1. This would not fly if the sexes of these two people were reversed. Not for one minute. Because this isn't the 1950s, and this isn't a commercial for Ad Men.

We should also be grateful that at least this ad doesn't include a cameo by Keith "Home Run!" Hernandez or Jerome "Your Beard is Weird" Bettis. Very grateful. But still- why does Just for Men insist on insulting our intelligence like this?

It's the 21st century, people. Ready when you are.

"America's Got Talent" has an audience- which probably explains these ads

There are a lot of these eTrade "baby" commercials, and they are all truly hideous. First, they suck because they appeal to the lowest common denominator in the audience- the drooling, knuckle-dragging morons who who type "LOL" and "Ths is HLARIOUS!" in the comment section on Youtube. Yes, babies whose movements are manipulated by removing and re-arranging frames and whose "speech" is provided by off-camera narrators is just SO F--ING FUNNY OHMIGOD LOL, if you are A) drunk or B) under thirteen years old, that is.

Second, they suck because of what they are selling. "The eTrade computer triggered my stop losses, saving me a pantload?" What the hell? Most of the people in this country live with a NEGATIVE savings rate. That means that Stagnant Wages + Rising Prices = Using your credit card just to keep your head above water. Showing us babies yakking about "stop losses" and "managing investment portfolios" just doesn't sit very well these days. Like the obnoxious little twerps who can't stop bitching about broker's fees over at Schwab ("Ask Chuck") there's nothing especially appealing about the thought of kids who still need their diapers changed pushing their excess money around with their laptops- while "catching the Red Eye after a bachelor party," no less. Damn, I hope that plane slams into a mountain -- or at least, hits enough turbulence to knock this little prick's milk glass all over his computer.

Heck, I'd settle for another bubble bursting all over his portfolio.

There will be a lot more of these ads, because there are a LOT of people out there who will never, ever use the service being advertised, but just love the babies and (OMIGD DID YOU HEAR THAT?) the "funny" lines given to them. Twenty years after Look Who's Talking, this crap still sells. Because a lot of people are still really, really stupid.