Enjoy your last day on Earth, you little prick

There is so much wrong with this commercial for Chrysler's archaic behemoth, the "Town and Country" (so called, I figure, because it's big enough to have it's own zip code.)

First, it seems to be operating on the premise that there's something very funny about a little kid being threatened with a beating after school. I thought we were way past the Being Beaten Up Is Hilarious theme, but ok- this is going to work, I think, because the intended victim is going to escape the bullies. Yay intended victim!

So the kid dashes down the road and escapes the bullies because his mom inexplicably leaves the hatch to the family land monster open for him to leap into (Do Not Attempt, kids.) Since the car is a fortress, complete with security cameras (for Christ's sake, how f--ing helpless can we get, people?) the bullies have been defeated. Yay intended victim! Yay mom (though her "there you are sweety!" is a bit treacly for me- I'd rather hear her ask "what did you do, propel yourself into the back of the car? Why did you do that? Come to think of it, why did I have that hatch open- is this how you get in the car EVERY afternoon?")

Ah, but being a little kid, Intended Victim just can't leave well enough alone. Suddenly he becomes an ass, stinging his tongue out at his tormentors and giving them a mocking leer as Mommy takes him home in the family's life-saving Suburban Tank. And now we get a little insight as to why this kid was a target- he's not a little kid worthy of our sympathy after all. He's that insipid little creep we all remember from school- the one who was the bravest guy in the world when holding on to his mom or dad's leg, and nowhere to be seen when mom and dad were not around.

The one who was always too damned stupid to remember that tomorrow is another day, and the people you torment have long memories. Tomorrow, you'll get no sympathy from me, you idiot. I suggest you discuss the situation with your mom over a nice hot plate of Kraft Mac' n Cheese tonight.

A Hotel which lets Me be Me

As opposed to Best Western, Red Roof, and Comfort Suites, which all require that I be "someone else" in order to pay through the nose for a cramped room next to the ice machine featuring overstuffed beds and the enticing offer of a $4.50 bottle of water.
Whatever, Holiday Inn.

Ribs are splitting over at YouTube

1. Take two bored and boring young men with the combined brain wattage of a firefly in late summer who are so vapid that all they can think of when they see a hamster in a cage is "can you milk a hamster?"

2. The deadly mixture of boredom and vast stupidity leads one of these idiots to reply "let's KGB it." Sure, let's. Because this is something we have to know right now, not in the approximately 8 seconds it would take to Google it for FREE.

3. Neither of these guys can figure out why their cell phone bill is so damned high every month, and why they never seem to have any money. I'm sure it's got nothing to with the impulse to "KGB it" every time a pathetic, childish non-thought pops into an otherwise empty skull.

4. At the KGB Command Center, we learn that when you "KGB it," you are really just passing your question on to people who really have no idea, but are willing to take your money and provide a "why the hell not" answer, which is exactly what you deserve if you use this "service."

5. Here's where it gets really ugly. A guy who could only be their boss, sitting in what could only be a break room, is putting milk into a cup of coffee and asking "what is this, soy milk?"

Do I really have to continue?

We are left with the unmistakable impression that these two worthless sacks of bile actually went ahead and milked that hamster.

Then brought the milk to work.

Then let their boss put it in his coffee.

And thought this was funny.

And this is supposed to make us want to use this product. Not throw a brick through the screen, not recoil in disgust, not take a solemn pledge to never, ever be so stupid or drunk that we find ourselves wasting a dollar to indulge that really, really idiotic notion that happened to occur to us while the trusty cell phone was within reach.

Coming next- "I wonder if frogs are flammable." Oh, the hilarity.

When Teens Become Homeowners

Here's a little nugget from Lowe's new ad campaign, which I believe is entitled "you are an idiot and can't screw in a lightbulb without our help, so plan on living at Lowe's." Two gawky 14-year olds who you can't imagine doing anything more intimate than holding hands have inexplicably put together the capital and credit required to buy a pretty damn substantial-looking house in the suburbs. Hilarity ensues, as the two refugees from Kraft Mac' n Cheese commercials attempt to play Grown-Up and "do it themselves." At some point, I imagine, all that yappity-yap they got from their smothering parents about "using a licensed real estate agent" and "having a thorough inspection done before you sign" as they updated their FaceBook accounts with "OMIGOD TODD AND I R BYING A HOUSE LOL!" will come back to haunt them. Probably around the time winter sets in and they flee to Lowe's to ask what all this "insulation" stuff is about- "we've heard it's pink, and there's this cartoon panther that sells it, or something."

It occurs to me that if you are calling Lowe's in response to your washing machine going bezerk, or finding four feet of water in your basement, you really aren't ready to move out of your mom's basement anyway. Every consider renting, kids? No? Well then, let me put on my Middle Aged Man cape and give you some practical advice- if your washing machine is on the fritz, consult your warranty information and call the dealer for service. If you have a lake of water in your basement, call an f--ing plumber.

Tomorrow, I'll show you how to make toast without killing yourselves, ok?

(I'm so proud of myself. I got through the entire post without even pointing out the girl's bizarre forehead which, if these arrested-development troglodytes on YouTube are accurate, has it's own FaceBook page. Good for me!)

Please, Kill Me Now

I's been a while since I've done a cell phone commercial at his site, so I feel like I'm returning to safe, familiar ground with today's post. This I Phone commercial is aimed squarely at all of us idiots who are perfectly happy with cell phones which allow you to call and text- who don't need Apps, who don't need cameras, who don't want to Tweet or Twitter or check email on the go, and despite a few years of aggressive marketing have not yet become convinced that we NEED all these bells and whistles.

The gloves are off- phone companies are tired of trying to sell us crap- now they are going to simply warn us that if we DON'T buy in, we are doomed to social isolation. Hot girls will have nothing to do with us once they realize that we can only use our phones for actually making calls. If we can't check our email ( 27 emails? Hey buddy, she's too popular for you, anyway) she's going to move on to someone more likely to ignore her during dates to check the box scores on his Blackberry. This makes sense, somewhere.

Still, the way this woman flees the scene of the "crime," as if the guy just blurted out that he's really into crystal meth and his Barbie collection- is a bit over the top. Are girls really this turned off by guys who don't have the newest phone technology? Really?

"Don't live with phone shame." Much better, I guess, to live with bad credit, which is just around the corner if you buy in to the notion that the way to impress people is by purchasing the newest shiny things the moment they hit the market. Sure you won't have any money- but the big screen and cool apps are sure to get that cute girl you just met in the sack, and quick. Bleh.

Ok, One More

I thought I was done with these ads, but like the Smirnoff Vodka "I Was There" campaign last summer, they just keep coming and coming, begging to be snarked upon. I really hope this is the last, because I'm running out of ways to describe the product.

This one is even more nasty and vile than the three previous gag-worthy offerings from Kraft. Once again, we have a sneering little creep speaking directly into the camera, whining about an idiot parent who isn't satisfied dishing out cheap, trailer-trash food (well, it does have calories, so I guess it qualifies as food) to his offspring, but insists on "stealing" some of it, too.

For a change of pace, the "victim" this time is a boy, otherwise there's not much new to see here. As usual, we are shown a white family living in an upscale suburban mansion inexplicably eating junk which is a staple for minimum-wage workers, poor college students, and single moms. But here's an extra-nasty little twist- the kid tells us that he's been put in "time out" in the middle of the meal "for a minor dinner table infraction." Setting aside the all-too-common ploy of sticking advanced vocabulary words into the mouths of little kids (real original, Kraft,) how retrograde is the "kid punished by being sent away without his dinner" theme? What is this, 1960?

And not only is this kid being punished by being made to go hungry, but the rest of his family could clearly not give a damn. Dad is helping himself to the kid's mac 'n cheese, never mind that he has to repeatedly lean over the table while pretending to listen to his other offspring to do it. Daughter (who has apparently slipped into a preservatives-and-fat coma by the conclusion) pretends to converse with Dad without offering one word of protest for his vile behavior (if this is acceptable, I don't want to imagine what Exiled Boy's "minor dinner table infraction" was.)

The final scene is just tacked on, making no real sense for anyone who thinks about it for more than a fraction of a moment- the kid suddenly appears at the dinner table like Banquo's ghost, apparently visible only to Dad- "Are you finished?" Then he walks off without waiting for an answer from stunned dad. I'm sure the YouTube mouth-breathers find this hysterical, but seriously- that's the punchline? "You banished a growing boy from the dinner table and ate his food- are you done?"

Here's what would have been more amusing- if the kid had said "I'm asking my teacher to call Child Protective Services tomorrow. Because it was bad enough that you're such a cheapskate that you are willing to raise your family on this crud, but it's even worse when you use food deprivation as punishment." Hey, I bet even Daughter would have taken notice of that.

Bag This, State Farm

This is one of those commercials which just doesn't seem complete without one of the characters just kicking the crap out of several of the others.

Here's a reasonable-looking guy with his head firmly planted on his shoulders, trying to save a little cash by brown-bagging it. Times are tough, and eating out can get seriously expensive, and every dollar counts, right? Well, check out the response he gets from his friends- derisive laughter that I wouldn't tolerate for two damn seconds before getting up and walking the hell out.

And check out the smarmy little prick sitting in the booth- "what some people won't do to try to save money!" Yeah, what a freaking nut, bring lunch from home! What's next- bringing coffee in a travel cup instead of hitting Starbucks? Where will the insanity end?

Thankfully, Mr. State Farm is available to give us REAL clues on how to save money, so you don't show poorly for your "friends" by demonstrating what I thought was just common-sense frugality. I'm sure that after a few minutes on the phone with an insurance agent, you'll be back to blowing $30- $40 a week with the guys at the lunch counter.

"When you are on date, do you bring two of those?" No, asshole, when I'm on a date, I take her to a nice restaurant. Because I can afford to do that, saving so much money by not eating out every day. It's called budgeting, and it's not dumb, or worthy of derision. It's smart, which is a lot more than I can say for the people I thought were my friends.

Seriously, why would anyone want to have lunch with these jerks? This commercial just makes me angry at State Farm, which is actively sneering at the idea of saving money unless it's done by purchasing their insurance.