A very accurate depiction of how cell phone addicts view the world

For smokers, the world is just one big ashtray. I just came back from a week at the beach, and lost count of how many jackasses felt perfectly comfortable blowing smoke in my face (and the faces of their children) before flicking their cancer sticks into the ocean or crushing them into the sand to be shared with the seagulls.

To witless, dim cell phone addicts, the world really is, or at least ought to be, one big signal tower, because GOD FUCKING FORBID you should EVER be without service, EVER. Here's what I saw on a crowded boardwalk as well as right next to the water (I kept hoping I'd see one drop into the ocean and get ruined, but dammit, no such luck:)

1. Countless numbers of beachgoers struggling to decipher what was on their little glowing screens through the sun glare. Naturally, whatever it was, it was waaaayyy too important to wait, because I saw at least one frustrated young woman actually burrow under her blanket to create shade.

2. An apparently infinite number of twentysomethings marching down the narrow sidewalk staring at their little phones, texting away, completely oblivious to the fact that there are other life forms on the planet who have not yet been trained to part the fucking waters as they rush relentlessly past. The sign must always say "Walk" while I text, I must always have all my bars, and obstacles in front of me must melt or fall away lest I be interrupted from my quality time with my best friend.

3. An absolutely SICKENING number of alleged adults with small children who apparently thought that they were having a lovely week at the beach with their phones, which would be perfect if only these damn kids weren't hanging around to keep asking to go for walks, build sandcastles, go swimming, and all those other annoyances kids throw at you when you are trying to stare at your phone. I suppose we've got a generation of kids growing up now who are getting used to being ignored by mom and dad, or at least having to compete for attention (and usually losing) with mommy's I Phone, but Jesus, people, why did you have kids if you weren't willing to put the fucking phones away and give them some of your attention during FAMILY VACATIONS?

(What am I thinking? A lot of these people weren't willing to give up smoking for their kids- they are going to give up their cell phones?)

But back to this commercial. All would be forgiven if only the girl sauntering down the street with her eyes glued to her phone ended up under the wheels of a transit bus. No one can tell me she wouldn't deserve it. And when her family is asked "how did she die?" it would be entirely accurate to respond "she O.D'd."

Not the Answer to any Question I can think of

This ad by the bottom-feeding, soulless scum buckets who prey on the most desperate among us opens like a trailer to a really, really bad movie-- but instead of "she thought she had lost her true love" or something equally cliche'd and treacly, we get a message about how getting over your head in debt can...

1. Cause bouts of uncontrollable...crying? Vomiting? Laughing? I really don't know what the woman sitting on the stairs is doing. Perhaps because I watched this commercial without sound. Perhaps because I wasn't paying all that much attention, which will tick off some people who take this blog WAYYYY too seriously, I'm not naming names here.

2. Subject you to scary middle-aged guys in dress shirts "harassing" you by (gasp) calling you at home and work and knocking on your door with intimidating questions like "when do you plan to repay that money you borrowed?" You know, super-abusive, threatening stuff like that, which "threatens the security of your family." Except that, by law, one phone call to each creditor will stop them from calling you at home or work, or coming to your home. Not that any of these Debt Consolidation predators will ever tell you this- nope, if you are two days late on your VISA payment, expect Rocco and his brass knuckles to show up at your doorstep in a very foul mood.

However, signing up for the offered "service" can lead to

1. Tranquil moments with one's laptop, sitting on a beach while (presumably) making your "one easy monthly payment" and giving yourself a "YES!" fist pump as you pretend that you made something resembling a sound financial decision when you hired these bums to do what you could have done yourself, for FREE

2. Watching your savings "grow" quarter by quarter in a huge pink piggy bank....actually, I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Because I didn't pay close enough attention, because again, I don't take this blog seriously enough.

Sigh. Look, as everyone with half a brain realizes, all companies like "Credit Answers" do (besides buy roughly 90 percent of the ad time on XM/Sirius) is get people to add to their debt by either

A. Hiring them to do "complicated" things like call the creditors and make offers-- again, something the debtor can do all by themselves, just as well, for FREE, while acting as "friendly banker" to the debtor by collecting monthly deposits to build a settlement payment-- paying themselves first, of course, or

B. Offering people who are already in trouble yet ANOTHER high-interest loan to replace the multiple creditors they have now. Is "one easy payment" really better than several monthly payments? Almost never. Why not? Ask the operator about a little something, hardly worth mentioning really, called the "fund transfer fee." Then ask how on Earth any credit company can justify charging hundreds of dollars to push a button and send money that you are already going to pay a high interest rate on into your bank account.

(The answer is, of course, "because we can.")

Most of the time, I blog about commercials that just irritate me. Sometimes, I blog about commercials because I think they insult the intelligence of the viewer, or fail to put a good face on the product being offered for sale. In this case, I'm blogging because I'm just plain angry. It's one thing to pitch junk food or cell phones to people who have money to be foolish with. It's another thing entirely to offer an anvil disguised as a life raft to a drowning person. The amoral jackasses who target the desperate with these ads really need to be slapped down, hard, by truth in advertising laws.

Hyundai asks, "How gullible are our potential customers?"

"We wanted to find out what people really thought of the new Hyundai, so we installed cameras in our cars. Some may call this eavesdropping. We call it Hyundai Uncensored."

Some may call it a stunningly tone-deaf invasion of privacy and a great way to alienate customers- I can tell you that if I were told, after taking a test drive, that a camera had been fixed on my face and every word I uttered picked up by hidden audio equipment, I might call an attorney, but I certainly wouldn't be buying a car from these voyeuristic creeps.

Except, of course, that just a few seconds into the ad, we know that this has to be a come on. Check out the "unsolicited," "uncensored" over-the-top gushing from the drivers, who if they are sincere have clearly never driven anything more advanced and comfortable than a 1973 Pacer. Come on, Hyundai- you can't tell me that these idiots didn't know damn well that they were being filmed, and that if they read their lines with sufficient enthusiasm, they'd find their sorry, grinning faces on the TV.

I mean, let's be reasonable here. If this wasn't a set-up, we'd see at least one person saying SOMETHING that didn't sound like he was having an orgasm over one of your cars. We'd hear a curse word now and then, or something, ANYTHING negative about the car being driven. This is supposed to be "uncensored," right? Oh, but maybe that's different from "unedited," as in "here at Hyundai we think it's perfectly honest to show you five seconds of conversation from a 20-minute test drive and call that 'uncensored.'"

So, "hidden" cameras catching "unsuspecting" drivers in ecstasy over the prospect of purchasing a Hyundai- yeah, right. But then, what can we expect from a car company that encourages us to seek out "second opinions" concerning Hyundai from the Official Hyundai Website? I'm sure that's at least as "uncensored" as the clips from this commercial.

"Here at Hyundai, we just assume that our customers are easily-deceived morons who can be bought off with the promise of a few seconds of tv face time, OR have no respect for their own right to privacy. Either way, we think we should be your car company." Pass.

Enjoy your last day on Earth, you little prick

There is so much wrong with this commercial for Chrysler's archaic behemoth, the "Town and Country" (so called, I figure, because it's big enough to have it's own zip code.)

First, it seems to be operating on the premise that there's something very funny about a little kid being threatened with a beating after school. I thought we were way past the Being Beaten Up Is Hilarious theme, but ok- this is going to work, I think, because the intended victim is going to escape the bullies. Yay intended victim!

So the kid dashes down the road and escapes the bullies because his mom inexplicably leaves the hatch to the family land monster open for him to leap into (Do Not Attempt, kids.) Since the car is a fortress, complete with security cameras (for Christ's sake, how f--ing helpless can we get, people?) the bullies have been defeated. Yay intended victim! Yay mom (though her "there you are sweety!" is a bit treacly for me- I'd rather hear her ask "what did you do, propel yourself into the back of the car? Why did you do that? Come to think of it, why did I have that hatch open- is this how you get in the car EVERY afternoon?")

Ah, but being a little kid, Intended Victim just can't leave well enough alone. Suddenly he becomes an ass, stinging his tongue out at his tormentors and giving them a mocking leer as Mommy takes him home in the family's life-saving Suburban Tank. And now we get a little insight as to why this kid was a target- he's not a little kid worthy of our sympathy after all. He's that insipid little creep we all remember from school- the one who was the bravest guy in the world when holding on to his mom or dad's leg, and nowhere to be seen when mom and dad were not around.

The one who was always too damned stupid to remember that tomorrow is another day, and the people you torment have long memories. Tomorrow, you'll get no sympathy from me, you idiot. I suggest you discuss the situation with your mom over a nice hot plate of Kraft Mac' n Cheese tonight.

A Hotel which lets Me be Me

As opposed to Best Western, Red Roof, and Comfort Suites, which all require that I be "someone else" in order to pay through the nose for a cramped room next to the ice machine featuring overstuffed beds and the enticing offer of a $4.50 bottle of water.
Whatever, Holiday Inn.

Ribs are splitting over at YouTube

1. Take two bored and boring young men with the combined brain wattage of a firefly in late summer who are so vapid that all they can think of when they see a hamster in a cage is "can you milk a hamster?"

2. The deadly mixture of boredom and vast stupidity leads one of these idiots to reply "let's KGB it." Sure, let's. Because this is something we have to know right now, not in the approximately 8 seconds it would take to Google it for FREE.

3. Neither of these guys can figure out why their cell phone bill is so damned high every month, and why they never seem to have any money. I'm sure it's got nothing to with the impulse to "KGB it" every time a pathetic, childish non-thought pops into an otherwise empty skull.

4. At the KGB Command Center, we learn that when you "KGB it," you are really just passing your question on to people who really have no idea, but are willing to take your money and provide a "why the hell not" answer, which is exactly what you deserve if you use this "service."

5. Here's where it gets really ugly. A guy who could only be their boss, sitting in what could only be a break room, is putting milk into a cup of coffee and asking "what is this, soy milk?"

Do I really have to continue?

We are left with the unmistakable impression that these two worthless sacks of bile actually went ahead and milked that hamster.

Then brought the milk to work.

Then let their boss put it in his coffee.

And thought this was funny.

And this is supposed to make us want to use this product. Not throw a brick through the screen, not recoil in disgust, not take a solemn pledge to never, ever be so stupid or drunk that we find ourselves wasting a dollar to indulge that really, really idiotic notion that happened to occur to us while the trusty cell phone was within reach.

Coming next- "I wonder if frogs are flammable." Oh, the hilarity.

When Teens Become Homeowners

Here's a little nugget from Lowe's new ad campaign, which I believe is entitled "you are an idiot and can't screw in a lightbulb without our help, so plan on living at Lowe's." Two gawky 14-year olds who you can't imagine doing anything more intimate than holding hands have inexplicably put together the capital and credit required to buy a pretty damn substantial-looking house in the suburbs. Hilarity ensues, as the two refugees from Kraft Mac' n Cheese commercials attempt to play Grown-Up and "do it themselves." At some point, I imagine, all that yappity-yap they got from their smothering parents about "using a licensed real estate agent" and "having a thorough inspection done before you sign" as they updated their FaceBook accounts with "OMIGOD TODD AND I R BYING A HOUSE LOL!" will come back to haunt them. Probably around the time winter sets in and they flee to Lowe's to ask what all this "insulation" stuff is about- "we've heard it's pink, and there's this cartoon panther that sells it, or something."

It occurs to me that if you are calling Lowe's in response to your washing machine going bezerk, or finding four feet of water in your basement, you really aren't ready to move out of your mom's basement anyway. Every consider renting, kids? No? Well then, let me put on my Middle Aged Man cape and give you some practical advice- if your washing machine is on the fritz, consult your warranty information and call the dealer for service. If you have a lake of water in your basement, call an f--ing plumber.

Tomorrow, I'll show you how to make toast without killing yourselves, ok?

(I'm so proud of myself. I got through the entire post without even pointing out the girl's bizarre forehead which, if these arrested-development troglodytes on YouTube are accurate, has it's own FaceBook page. Good for me!)