From the people who brought us Sarah Palin

There is just so much to love here, staring from the opening bell. The narrator tells us that his name is Jason, that he lives in Fairbanks, Alaska- a bleak, dark, lifeless tundra bathed in a gloomy twilight- and then gives us the hilarious line "you don't come here to stay indoors." Say no more, Jason! I mean, the pictures tell it all- when I see endless fields of ice barely illuminated by a weak sun and imagine subzero temps, the first thing that I think is "Wow, I'm heading outside!"

"There's snow machining...sit on your buttcheeks (I'm pretty sure this is what he says) ice-fishing....." let me finish your thought for you, Jason. "There's drinking, there's bowling, there's hockey, there's drinking, there's......ice fishing. Drinking. Bowling. Did I mention drinking?"

There's also watching the Travel Channel, and pretending you live somewhere, anywhere else....

And then we get to Jason's "passion," Curling, and the point of this overlong ad. Jason tells us that he's suffered from heartburn in the past, which prevented him from "concentrating" on "the task at hand"- at this point, forgive me for mistaking this commercial for an Onion News Parody the first time I saw it. "The Task At Hand?" It involves doing something on a slab of ice. Just like everything else one does in Fairbanks, Alaska, I suppose, including ice fishing, drinking, hockey, drinking....

It's Day Seven of Jason's new life on Prilosec OTC. Unfortunately for him, it's Day God Knows How Many But It Feels Like Eternity of Jason's old life in Fairbanks, Alaska, a place one does not go unless one wants to be outside, for obvious reasons I don't feel the need to repeat here.

One more point I'd like to make about this ad- I'm always impressed at the ability of agencies to convince clients to spend money traveling to out of the way places to film a commercial which could just as easily been thrown together using people living right down the street from the studio. How did these guys sell Prilosec on the idea of flying a camera crew to Fairbanks, Alaska? That being asked, why Fairbanks, Alaska? Is there something about the cold and dark that aggravates heart burn symptoms?

If not, why didn't the agency scour the letters for a heartburn sufferer from Jamaica, or Paris, or Australia, or some other cool place that one might spend a few days? You know, someplace not populated by bored out of their minds overweight dopes who are trying to convince themselves that they like the cold and dark and that Curling is a "task" that needs to be performed well, or is worth performing at all?

And with her new haircut, you can't even see the lobotomy scar

First, this lunatic throws herself at the viewer, clearly infatuated with herself, her dress, the fact that she's getting married, her teeth....

Her teeth? OH NOES, her teeth don't match her freaking dress! Everyone will notice, of course, because her obvious intention is to spend the entire reception holding her frigging veil against her face and grinning like an insane person.

What can she do? I mean, she CAN'T get married if her pearlies don't match the shade of her blindingly white dress! What would people think? It's not as if anyone is going to be looking at anything but her damned glowing teeth, right?

Crest 3D White Strips to the rescue. Quick, put these sticky, nasty little pieces of plastic in your mouth and keep them there until the naturally not-ivory color of your teeth is bleached out and replaced by an almost supernaturally artificial white glow! (Oh, and be sure to get yourself a rich, deep tan, so as to exaggerate the whiteness of your chompers. Nice try, Crest.)

Yay, now her teeth are as white as her dress! Now she can spend hour after hour flinging herself around the room awkwardly daring her guests to count every single one of her ridiculously white teeth! And when it's all over, everyone will walk away talking about how beautiful the bride was, how lovely the dress was, and boy she sure is proud of those teeth, isn't she?

Or maybe she's just insane?

Useful Idiots

I guess that here in the good old U.S. of A., there is an unlimited supply of people willing to pretend they don't know they are being filmed for "Hyundai Uncensored" commercials, cluck like chickens for Klondike Bars, or sing "Five Dollar Foot Longs," as long as there is TV face time and a few bucks involved. But you'd like to think that there is some limit to what people will say for a few seconds of fame and a little pocket money.

Apparently, there simply isn't. Because here is yet another in a long line of obnoxious, manipulative, bullshit ads paid for by the multi-billionaires over at the American Petroleum Institute, Proud Sponsors of your next local Tea Party and a major reason why we are hardly closer to a green economy now than we were thirty years ago, when President Carter installed solar panels on the roof of the White House and asked us to wear sweaters instead of bumping up the home thermostat.

Congress is considering billions in new energy taxes? API to the rescue, determined to preserve and protect it's God-given right to massive profits in the most American of ways- by purchasing Congressmen for large sums of money and everyday clueless slobs with far, far less.

Congress may let the Bush Tax Cuts- architect of the awesome economy we have right now- expire? Well, that' a tax INCREASE (if you make more than $250,000 a year), and how dare you imply that the people who most benefit from paved roads, libraries, police and fire departments, and a strong national defense pay more for those services? Better to invest money in commercials designed to convince the uneducated, fearful, easily-manipulated mouth breathers (I saw more than a handful of them at the National Mall yesterday, drinking in the words of their Lord, Savior and Financial Advisor, Glenn Beck) that THEIR taxes are about to go up. Far better to whip up the masses with the usual bleat "taxes bad, tax cuts good!" and herd them into the public square- or in front of the television camera- with ready-made signs and hats adorned with tea bags.
ANYTHING is better than to ask a small population of the super-wealthy to pay a slightly higher tax out of their unbelievably colossal profits. I mean, what is this, Russia?

But back to the idiots who populate this particular ad. Seriously, guys- have you no shame? Have you no souls? Have things really gotten so bad for you that you are willing to bleat BS off a cue card in order to get your bloated faces on tv and a few extra dollars in your pocket? Do you REALLY think that a slight increase in energy taxes is going to push the economy into the abyss?

Was there ever a time in your life when you valued your dignity at all? When you weren't for sale?

I think I'd rather see these people hitting each other

In a scene that will not remind you of Hill Street Blues, the chief of police warns his staff that the "Autobahn for All" promotion is underway again at your neighborhood Volkswagen dealer, so they'd better keep their eyes open, because people are going to be "driving crazy" in their incredibly mundane, cookie-cutter, looks-like-every-other car on the road German imports.

Ok, so what exactly is the message that Volkswagen is trying to sell us here?

That if you buy a Volkswagen, get ready to be profiled by your local police department as someone who "drives crazy" in it? Why would anyone want to drive a car which attracts negative attention of the police?

That is you buy a Volkswagen, you'll drive in a manner that police will think is "crazy?" Perhaps in a way that suggests that you don't get the whole "Closed Course" and Professional Driver" and "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer deal? Really? I've driven Volkswagens, and other than my 1974 Super Beetle, which kept me alert by freezing me to death in the winter and broiling me alive in the summer, the only emotion they've ever inspired in me is Boredom.

That the police in this ad are so sad, so depressingly dull, that they get excited over commercial clips featuring Volkswagens? I mean, come on- Volkswagens? Get out more, idiots.

And by idiots, I don't just mean the buffoons making a mockery of the Law Enforcement Profession by playing ADD-inflicted police officers in this advertisement. I also mean the people who created the ad. I don't know what the deal is over at Volkswagen's ad division, but it's nothing good. In the past year, you guys have tried a talking Beetle with a "German" accent making fun of Hybrids, a series of commercials featuring people yelling "black one!" and brutally hitting each other, and now "Autobahn for All," which is supposed to convince us that Volkswagens are wicked fun to own because you'll want to "drive crazy" in them, which will really piss off the cops, which is a good thing.

Anyone over there know what they are doing? Anyone at all?

This is just So Very Wrong

Ok, first of all, I can't be the only person out there who is thoroughly sick of the disgusting ageism displayed by these Just for Men ads. According to the makers of this crap, men who let their hair go naturally gray can pretty much give up any hope of dating, working, or getting laid, ever again. On the other hand, if you hide your gray hair, you are going to get dates, get great jobs handed to you by leggy women who "have big plans for you" (wink wink) and get lots and lots of sex.

Look at this commercial. The hot blonde, who apparently thinks it's the year 1955 and she's on an episode of the Andy Griffith Show, rings the doorbell and asks the unseen guy on the other end of the peephole if she can "borrow some milk." She's got an empty glass in her hand, which means that she either thinks this guy only lends out milk to people who can PROVE they are out, or he's got a cow in there and can give her a quick refill.

The slightly-gray idiot asks her to wait a moment- and proceeds to throw himself out the window. This part makes perfect sense to me- he's got gray hair, you see, and the moment the hot neighbor realizes it she's going to run away screaming, so he might as well just end it all now. Except, wait- he's not killing himself. He's going through preposterous, logic-bending lengths to hide his shame before handing over the milk.

The guy manages to get to a store, buy Just for Men Hair Coloring, get back to his apartment, color his hair, get the milk out of the fridge, and open the door before the neighbor notices that he's not responding to her "Is everything oks" or that it's been two hours since she first rang that doorbell. Hey, buddy- if she's this desperate to make eye contact with you, she's not going to care about those strands of silver in your hair, ok?

Naturally, the ad ends with the kind of nausea-inducing punchline that is the trademark of Just for Men- handing the neighbor her milk, the newly-presentable guy asks "anything else?" and gets a thoughtful lip-bite from Miss Patient-Desperate. Ugh. My guess is that we are supposed to imagine the girl jumping into the guy's arms at this point, turning this into a commercial for Axe.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to be at an age when a LOT of men have gray hair. I don't have any. Know what else I don't have? Hot girls offering me jobs or showing up at my place of residence asking if they can "borrow some milk." Maybe it's just me. At least if I had gray hair, I'd have an excuse.

Thanks for nothing, Just for Men.

The High Price of Instant Gratification

I'm going to do something a little different with this clip, because it would be way too easy to snark on Troy Aikman and Hulk Hogan shamelessly picking up a few extra dollars shilling for a company that preys on people with crappy or no credit. Instead, I'll note that Aikman and Hogan are really just the cute magician's assistants in an impressive act of Sleight of Hand- clearly, the viewer is supposed to be so distracted by the fact that a couple of washed-up familiar names are talking about Rent A Center to notice how truly horrible the "deal" being offered "for a limited time" is.

Rent A Center is so confident that you will keep your eyes on Aikman and Hogan that they feel perfectly safe in presenting the full financial details of the "deal" in not-so-very-small print for almost five full seconds on the screen. I'll do the work for you- you can rent this awesome 52 inch Sony HD TV for "only" $39.95 per week- that's the part these idiots keep shouting at us. What the little words on the screen tell you is that the television retails for $1599 (this is true, I confirmed it with a twenty-second Google search.) If you accept Rent A Center's "great offer," you'll shell out $4156 over the course of the contract if you want to own the television outright.

So you can save $39.95 per week and have enough money to buy the tv at retail in ten months, or you can rent at $39.95 per week for almost two years, and pay a markup of almost THREE HUNDRED PERCENT- but hey, if you rent, you get the television RIGHT NOW. Like Magic Johnson says in another ad, Rent A Center is all about getting you closer to your dreams, faster. Gag.

I'm going to wrap up this post by pasting a response I made more than a year ago to a question posed at the fine website RipoffReport.com. It may sound rather cold, but I don't think anyone can honestly dispute the points I made in it. The question was "why do people feel justified in complaining about Rent A Center's policies?"

Robert- it's because people with crappy credit see no reason why they should be treated differently from people with good credit.

It's because some people think that saving money and doing without for a while is for suckers.

It's because some people think that they have a "right" to televisions and nice furniture and laptop computers- and they have a "right" to these things at low cost.

It's because some people think that just because they signed a contract and agreed to a payment schedule doesn't mean that they should be held to that payment schedule- and if they are, the people holding them to their agreements are "harassing" them.

It's because some people think it's UNFAIR that just because they have a bad track record in paying their debts, no one will give them a chance to default on MORE debts.

In short, it's because some people are selfish, whiny idiots. Like the people who call Rent A Center a "ripoff."

Here's a clue: You don't need any of the things you rent from Rent A Center. You WANT them, you don't NEED them. If you don't want to make the payments, don't walk into the store and sign the paper. It's really very simple.

Will the people who drive this die amidst thunderous applause?

Here's a quick question: Why do cars need names? They aren't people. Are we supposed to think of them as pets?

Ok, I can buy the name Jeep "Wrangler." Nothing particularly offensive about it, just stupid. But Jeep "Cherokee?" What gives Jeep the right to use the name of an indigenous people? Are we going to see a "Jeep Irish" or "Jeep Chinese" someday? I doubt it. So why is "Jeep Cherokee" ok?

Oh, but then it gets worse, in my opinion. "Jeep Liberty?" What does buying a Jeep have to do with Liberty? I mean, besides the fact that Jeep Owners can pretend that they are rushing med supplies to a MASH unit instead of dashing over to Seven-Eleven for a Heat Lamp Dog during halftime (helps to have a "Support the Troops" bumper sticker, I imagine?) And "Jeep Patriot?" Seriously- "Patriot?" It's bad enough that an XM-Sirius radio channel featuring Mike Church, Mark Levine and Sean Hannity is called "Patriot Radio." Does that word mean anything anymore?

I understand that car companies are having a rough time of it these days- no, I'm not talking about depressed sales and competition from foreign manufacturers. I mean from cell phone companies, which create and market "new" products roughly every three days or so, each of which need to have a cool name like "Curve" and "Storm" and "Hero" (gag), all of which are subsequently no longer available for use with cars. I can't believe that we can't do better than "Cherokee," "Liberty," and "Patriot," though. How about "Waste," "Conspicuous," or "Poser?"

Actually, "Poser" sounds like the perfect name for a cell phone, too. Let's see who snatches it up first.