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Now that you can blather incessantly for unlimited hours (still laughingly referred to as "minutes" in these commercials,) text your fingers off, watch videos and television, play games, manage your fantasy leagues (taking breaks now and then to check Facebook and fantasize that you have friends, or looking out the window and fantasizing that your life is worth living) and basically waste your youth away fiddling with a stupid piece of plastic as your waistline and ass expand exponentially and your inevitable bout with diabetes moves ever closer, your existence is, truly, Fascinating, isn't it?

Not that this will have any impact on you pathetic zombies, but do you ever stop to think that maybe it's pretty damned sad that you are being sold a phone called the "Fascinate" many, many years after cell phone technology ceased to be anything close to "fascinating," and many, many years after cell phones moved from conveniences to life-sucking, privacy-denying nuisances? Today I'm speaking in particular to the obnoxious jackass on the jogging trail thirty yards in front of me this afternoon, who insisted on carrying on an EXTREMELY LOUD "conversation" (I assume someone was on the other end, though I can't imagine when that person had a chance to add anything) sprinkled with plenty of cursing and what used to be considered rather delicate, private details- that is, back when we actually had a civilization going on here.

Remember those days? They were fascinating.

The Punchline is Worth the Wait

These "Family Stories" ads are a little funnier on the radio- people "discussing" the car that serves as the center of their lives, how Cousin Bob bought one two years after he got off the boat from the old country, and here's a black and white showing that event, and later he turned it over to his first-born, embracing the tradition of primogeniture, but then later that guy bought another Camry and the original was handed off....well, you get the idea.

Still, actually seeing people wax poetic about the family car is pretty darned amusing, especially when you remember that, after all, they are talking about a CAMRY. All these kids are dreaming of the day when mom and dad decide it's time to pass the family car on to the next generation- one girl gives a "YES!" fist pump when recalling that glorious day when she inherited the well-worn chariot. Another kid allows himself to fantasize out loud that he might someday be bequeathed the family's new Camry Hybrid- only to suffer they "yeah right, as if you're worthy" (or maybe it's the "yeah right, as if this thing is still going to be running when you are old enough to drive, six years from now") derisive laughter of his parents and siblings.

So what's the hilarious punchline? It's not the stupid "Boller Camry Tree" pun- that's not hilarious, it's just cloying and stupid. It's the "Want to see the Boller's whole story? Go to Camry.com" we get in the tv ad. I mean, come on- first, does this nonsense really qualify as a "story?" The parents in this family buy Camrys and then pass them on to the kids. Not exactly as complicated as your average Dickens novel. We GET IT.

Second, I'm trying to picture the kind of person who would go online to see how this "story turns out." All I can get is an image of the Most Boring Person Who Has Ever Lived. I mean, if you find yourself actually researching one family's car ownership history, you are probably beyond being told to get a life. BTW, this part is also funnier on the radio- I don't know why, but there's something unintentionally chuckle-worthy about a sober, serious announcer intoning "for more of this story, go to...."
I wonder if their server ever crashes from the surge in traffic after these ads.

Dude, Where Are Your Eyes?

State Farm's creepy eyeless wonder is back to tell us all about saving money, something he openly mocked not all that long ago in another ad. This time he's at Fenway, trying to sell us some line about saving being "America's Real National Pasttime."

Ok, hold it right there, buddy. Saving is "America's Real National Pasttime?" Really? Since when? The last time I checked, Americans were actually running a negative savings rate, regularly spending MORE THAN THEY MAKE. Not their fault in most cases- something to do with stagnant wage growth not matching a steady rise in the cost of living- but a fact just the same. Americans don't save a whole hell of a lot of money these days. In fact, Americans don't save ANY money these days. "National Pasttime?" Please.

This guy's lame pitch is given a boost from "random" passerbys, one of which is entertaining his friend with how he's been bringing his lunch to work every day and "fifty extra dollars, IN my pocket." Again- this is the kind of frugality that State Farm, with the help of this same spokeschoad, had fun ridiculing in a previous ad. Remember "what some people won't do to save money?" Sorry, buddy- you fail. This is not the way to save money, just the way to earn sneers from State Farm.

A woman walks up to our favorite Dick Tracy Villain (who was that- "BB eyes," right?) and declares "I save money by being accident free!" as if she's seeking approval from her dad. "See? I save money in an insurance-related manner. That makes me better, right? Right?"

In the end, we are told that if we REALLY want to save money, we need to stop the nickle-and-diming crap and give State Farm a call. Instead of sending this perpetually squinting creep with his smarmy grin around to mock us for our doomed efforts to save money without the help of his All-Wise Insurance Company, maybe they ought to offer to stop inflicting him on us innocent television viewers, who after all are just trying to relax after a long day of Saving.

And if they refuse, maybe we should give Flo over at Progressive another look. I mean, even her freakishly pale perkiness isn't as insufferable as State Farm's cheerfully condescending stalker.

It's Getting Ugly Out There

All of the NFL Direct Commercials have one thing in common: they all suggest that football fans are narrow-minded pigs who are so bigoted against people who dare root for a team other than their own, they are willing to commit acts of almost insane stupidity, cruelty or lawlessness against the "offenders."

I could do an entire month just on these commercials. In one, which I may use later if I find myself in pinch, a police officer "hilariously" (according to the drooling choad who posted it to YouTube) tazers a guy on his fantasy football team as "payback" for daring to use the advantage of DirectTV. Haha, what's funnier than police brutality?

This one, however, beats it out as the most sickening episode I've seen so far. A thoroughly evil waitress is so damned bitter than a group of slackers is rooting for another team that when (admittedly rudely) asked for more iced tea, she actually wrings out her filthy dishrag into their drinks and stirs them with her finger. Oh, how delightful. This is high comedy in trailer parks and among 13-year old boys, neither of whom you'd think would be likely customers for a high-end cable service. How a thinking adult could react with anything but disgust for the ad writers and repulsion for the company which insists on bludgeoning us with one of these pointless, loathsome piles of crud after another is, I admit, beyond me. That being said, I imagine I'll get getting a lot of "OH LITEN UP ITS FUNNY LOL" responses.

Here's the only way this commercial falls just short of horrifyingly repulsive: Each of the worthless jackanapes about to consume dishwater with their tea is watching the football game on their own personal electronic devices- I guess there's a cell phone in there, and an I-Pad, and maybe a FloTV, I don't recognize each device. Maybe they've been there for hours, have long since paid for their lunches, and continue to squat at their table only occasionally demanding refills but otherwise just taking up space and refusing to exit and make room for other paying customers. I can see the waitress becoming frustrated that they've decided to treat the restaurant like it's someone's living room, while "treating" the other patrons to the noise from their little tv-toys as well as their "intelligent" comments concerning the game. I can see the anger and impatience rising in this woman, as she watches other people come and go but these losers who have apparently been exiled from Hooters, the local tavern, and all the other places real people go to watch football sit and sit and demand one free refill after another....

All that being said, it's still pretty darned disgusting, and I'm sorry- but if you think this commercial is funny, please don't bother to let me know. There is something really, really wrong with you.

Quick Quiz: Who is the Biggest Loser in this Commercial?

Is it this guy, with his hang-dog look, his greasy hair, and his total inability to stick up for himself and tell this wretched woman what he thinks of her "its not like you are a human being or anything" attitude? I mean, can we all agree that a glass of cold water to the face would be a perfectly appropriate response to the look she gives him in the ad's final seconds?

Is it this woman, who we can easily imagine spent each moment of every date consulting her Facebook page, tweeting, texting, and otherwise treating the guy she was with like a worthless piece of crap who only existed to pick up the check at the end of the evening? Is she really such a prize that guys are likely to instantly note her "single" status and start calling her asking for an opportunity to take her and her phone out for a nice dinner and get treated like a pile of shit for their efforts?

The answer is really None of the Above. Yes, these people are both really pathetic losers. The guy has no spine and no dignity, the woman probably once had a soul, but it's been exchanged for a Social Network, and all that's left behind is a hollow shell which, sorry, does not have the surface attraction to pull off this level of cruelty for very long. But in a way, they are also winners- they are both getting out of what was probably a miserable non-relationship anyway, not that they are likely to provide warmth and a level of happiness to anyone else in the near future. Or ever.

So, who are the real losers? The answer is actually pretty obvious: the real losers are the other people sitting down for dinner at what looks to be a pretty nice restaurant, because they get to hear these two disfunctional knobs "communicate" with each other through their cell phones, which at LEAST are on vibrate (but anyone who has ever been in a confined place near a person with a constantly-vibrating cell phone knows that this is only a small comfort.) Never mind the glass of water to the face of the woman in this commercial- I think that the other customers would be more than justified in ganging up on these two insufferable twits and cracking their skulls together if they won't turn off their damned phones and just TALK TO EACH OTHER. It's not like they were using the contents anyway.

Oh yeah, this marriage is going to last

The narrator of this commercial is so happy. I mean, she just got married to the Perfect Guy.

Except that he's got horrible taste, and no way is she tolerating it. Dogs Playing Poker poster? Got to go. Beer can collection? Not in HER house.

And except that he acted like a total baby when he learned that the equation is (OUR stuff= MY stuff -HIS stuff.)

That's ok, he'll grow up quick under this woman's thumb. I mean, it's not like she's demanding that he throw it away. She'd never be that unreasonable. She just wants it packed away where she will never, ever see it again, or be reminded of the time when he was a bachelor or had an identity beyond Her Husband.

So everything this guy has ever prized, everything he ever treasured, is packed away in a U Store It, locked up nice and tight, and for a few dollars a month, it will stay there. Probably not too many months though- I mean, really, how long can it be before this woman decides that her husband's crap isn't worth those few dollars a month, and decides to hold an impromptu yard sale? (I bet her husband acts like a baby when THAT happens, too.)

Message received and processed: Marriages aren't about respect or compromise. They are about one person getting what she wants, and the other person getting the hell out of the way. Lovely.

I can't see the forest with this tree in the way

"Mom, do you remember the day I was born?"

"Boy, do I ever! I had come in for my 41-week check, and the doctor decided to induce me."

"Do you remember how you felt when you realized you were going to have me?"

"I remember the doctor was impatient, I guess I took longer than he expected, because I distinctly recall that he looked at his watch over and over again."

"Weren't you thinking about me coming out, how you'd hold me and..."

"Sure, sure. I also remember how the nurse kept trying to distract me by getting me to 'breathe' or something. Oh, and then the doctor left, and I made a mental note- between gasps of air- of the clothes he was wearing."

"Um....but then you called Dad, right? Wasn't he there when you..."

"After I made the mental note that the doctor was wearing tennis shoes as he was leaving, all I could think was 'wait till I get home and get online, I'm going right to Angie's List!"

"I bet you were so happy when you brought me home..did you love me even then?"

"Sure, sure. When I got home I went to Angie's List right away- I had to tell my story and nail that doctor, what a jerk.."

"But you brought home a healthy baby, everything went great, you brought me, a new life, into the world..."

"The guy left early. And he was wearing TENNIS SHOES. TENNIS SHOES!! I'll never forget it!"

"So when you think about the day I was born, you think about..."

"TENNIS SHOES! I mean, can you believe it?"

Sure, I believe it. Especially if this is the same woman as the one who starts her nag with "I was tired of cleaning my house" (oh you poor baby, I know exactly how you feel) and ends by bitching about how the otherwise-perfect wage slave she hired annoyed her with her whistling. What is it about Angie's List that breeds obnoxious, whiny, demanding, ungrateful, anal-retentive idiots?