Your Phone Doesn't Make You Powerful

It's not the Magna Carta.

It's not the Declaration of Rights, the English Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence or the Declaration of the Rights of Man.

It's not poetry, a manifesto, or even a fucking blog entry.

It's not your college admissions essay, or your graduation speech.

It's a fucking phone company.

All it cares about is your monthly payment. You're right that it doesn't care how old you are, or what you have to say. As long as the check shows up on time, blather and text and Facebook and tweet away all you want.

If you want to make more of that than it is, I guess that's up to you.

But you are fooling yourself if you believe that your sad, empty life somehow becomes more valuable if you can put it on display for the online population. Because pointless bullshit that roams through your head does not become less pointless when a billion people can see it.

ThisCommercialSucks to the people in this commercial:

Get.

The Hell.

Over Yourselves.

Let's just say that you don't want it back

Yes, honey, I know where your shirt is. Remember last weekend, when your mom disappeared for a few days, only to show up passed out in the hallway on Monday morning? No, LAST weekend. Well, I was under this delusion that if I dressed like my teenaged daughter I might get some more action at the clubs me and the rest of the Sex and the City Fan Club hang out at, so I "borrowed" that green shirt. I just did manage to strip it off and toss it in my hamper before passing out, which is why when you found me, I was pretty much naked, as usual.

Don't look at me like that. I brought you into this world, after all- me and that guy I laughingly call "your father"- the one who pays the mortgage on the palace you live in when the child support payments come in on time. And don't think for one damn minute that bastard isn't swiping your brother's clothes from time to time when HE goes out on the prowl. What's that? You're sorry you asked? Me too.

And no, you don't want to know where that stain came from.

Miller Lite's Stunning Condescending, Completely Baffling "For the Vets" Ad

I could post a month's worth of snark featuring nothing but this fat busybody and his determination to refuse Miller Lite to anyone who isn't an unpretentious, middle-class Fox News viewer. It would be easy for me to post one blog entry after another focusing on this dipshit and his quixotic mission to seize back beer purchased honestly by people whose money isn't good enough for Miller Lite; or perhaps this lunatic has just snapped after decades of hauling suds and now thinks his job is to engage in a furious Beer Recall, even to the point of grabbing bottles right out the hands of the consumers.

And I'm not promising I won't be using one of those commercials, someday. But for now, I'll focus on one that strays outside the usual "you are not worthy of this beer" bullshit, because darn it, this particular commercial is so damned perplexing that I can't explain it's purpose or meaning for the life of me.

For some reason, our favorite fat beer-seizing choad is rushing through an airport with an assistant/toady, pushing an empty cart. Hey, I didn't write this thing. And it only gets dumber from here.

Noticing men in camouflage fatigues, fat choad exclaims "THESE vets must be here for the parade!" Of course. This is exactly what goes through MY mind whenever I see military personnel in airports- because really, why else would they be in an airport, unless they had flown in for a parade in their honor? It's not like they have to fly anywhere, ever, right? I mean, I've got a friend who has served in the military for thirty years, and I'm POSITIVE that he has NEVER taken a plane for any other reason than to get to a parade. Jesus.

Fat choad's intern/toady makes some boot-licking comment about designer luggage, and you just know that if anyone with designer luggage was caught drinking a Miller Lite, that beer would be quickly confiscated. I mean, that's like drinking Miller Lite at a dog show, or in the owner's box at a baseball game. A real, obvious, No-No.

Fat choad walks up to a vet whose fatigues match his baggage and asks "excuse me, sir, whose name is on your bag?" And here is where we have one of the truly epic fails in the history of commercials. I have no idea how the vet responds to this stupid question- he says "Mine- Cone Bryant." Or maybe it's "Cornin Bryant." Or "Conan Bryant." I don't know, because the guy I suspect is an Actual Vet couldn't be bothered to enunciate his name in a tone which could be picked up an understood by human ears.

It's not just me- even the Best Commercial Ever crowd over at YouTube, which adores each and every ad ever televised, is mystified by the guy's muttered response.

"Now that's deserving a piece of the high life" says our favorite fat doofus, offering his hand to the vet as we the helpless viewers can only shake our heads at the stupidity of it all. WHAT is deserving "a piece of the high life?" That the guy's name is the same as the one on his luggage? That his luggage matches his uniform? That he's "here for the parade?"

I mean, what the hell is going on here? Was I supposed to do some reading before watching this commercial?

We conclude with some notice that Miller Lite is contributing something to veterans, sort of - not ten cents for every bottle purchased, but ten cents for every bottle cap returned. I'm going to say right now- really cheap of you, Miller. Why not just be honest and announce "we want to be associated with the idea of helping the troops, but not to the extent it's going to cost us money." Because that's what I heard.

At any rate, the "Support the Vets Because God Knows Miller Isn't Going To" message is totally lost in the confused haze that is this ad. Is it really the purpose of any commercial to leave the viewers wondering "what the hell WAS that?" If so, well played, Miller Brewing Company.

Now please, retire that fat lunatic before he finally confronts someone unwilling to be separated from his legally-purchased lite beer of choice.

A Large Degree of Failure

There is so much wrong here, it's hard to know where to begin. I think I'll just take the commercial's many flaws in order of appearance.

First, we see something I'm pretty sure I've never seen in a commercial for deodorant before- a guy actually applying the stuff to his armpit. Hey Degree, did you think that maybe there's an adult out there who doesn't know how to use your product? Is this something you thought we'd really appreciate seeing? I can only hope that the makers of Preparation H don't copy this really bad idea.

Just in case you aren't getting the subtle message- um, guys? We know how to apply deodorant. Thanks anyway.

Ok, next, we see our rugged, manly hero tumbling down the side of a mountain on his bike and mysteriously losing his front wheel. This has never happened to me in almost forty years of riding a bike, and I've never even watched a video of someone putting a bike together. So in my life I've managed to apply deodorant AND ride a bike without having an accident. I feel so accomplished right now.

Now things get REALLY stupid. Our hero continues down the mountain on one wheel, chasing the front tire as he goes. The disclaimer reads "Professional Stunt. Do Not Attempt."

Hold it right there, degree. There is no "stunt" being performed here. Just fancy camera and computer manipulation and special effects. It's not as if this guy is really chasing his tire down the mountain, after all- any possibility of conning the most gullible of viewers into believing that what they are seeing has any basis in reality (and therefore qualifies as a "stunt") is erased when the bicyclist bounces across a stream- what is the errant front tire doing during this time? Bouncing in one place, waiting for him to catch up? And then proceeding down the hill when it senses our hero is ready to resume the chase? Um, no, YouTube droolers. Really not possible. Thanks for playing, though.

The front tire and the bicyclist finally come back together again on a stretch of highway- no tools needed, which at least partially explains why the tire fell off in the first place. At this point Degree AGAIN attempts to pass this off as some kind of amazing stunt, as the bicyclist throws his arms up in triumph- yeah, congratulations, buddy. You've managed to appear in a crappy deodorant commercial. Other than that, kind of hard to see what you've actually accomplished here.

I don't mind trick photography and special effects in commercials. I don't mind cool stunts in commercials. What I mind is when a company has so little respect for it's customers that it is comfortable in conning them with a commercial which features special effects and calls it a cool stunt.

Oh, and when a company thinks it's customers don't know how to use it's product and need to have this demonstrated. Even when it's deodorant.

As Much Class as there are Calories

LOL this commercial is so funny! It has everything! In this I agree with all the thumbs up here at YouTube which btw is my favorite cite cept for Facebook LOL and I think this is the Best. Commercial. Ever. It's epic.

I mean, first of all, it's got these old guys who were in a similar commercial around 20 years ago, and John says he's old enough to remember it, which LOL makes it a super epic commercial, like Retro like A-ha or something and I totally agree with the YouTube comments here. Epic Epicness.

Then as if thats not enough you got these guys agreeing to be friends, which would be suck ass lame except you know someone's gonna get fucked over royal like u just wait and see. So that makes it funny 'cause you know it's not gonna last, so very epic.

Then here is the best part cause it happened to a friend of mine once and we all had a good LOL over it. The one guy takes out his smartphone when the other guy who thinks they are friends now and he videos the second guy drinking a Pepsi. When the second guy is like what the fuck? the first guy says "YouTube'd it." Then he shows him, and first let me say this is totally awesome cause the guy has no respect for the second guy's privacy, if he wanted privacy he should not have left the house FYI buddy everyone's got cameras in their phone if you didn't want to be on YouTube you shouldnta left the house moron LOL!

Then the second guy realizes hey I could lose my job when my bosses see this, so not only did this guy pretend to be a friend and then fuck him over with the YouTube'd thing but now the second guy maybe is going to get fired, which means he won't be able to afford soda at all anymore and say goodbye to your house if you've got a mortgage loser LOL!!

Then here is the best part which really puts the period on the epic epicness of this commercial. Next thing we know we've got the first guy being thrown through the window by the second guy LOL I hope that first guy is dead that would rock but then we wouldnt have a sequel which would totally suck because this commercial is so epic.

I think what is so great about his commercial is because its so real, I mean, at my YMCA the assholes who run it put up NO CELLPHONES IN LOCKER ROOMS which I think is really gay but I guess its because they think someone might YouTube someone showering or naked and boom its on YouTube LOL. Which would be so epic but I guess those guys dont think so they should get a life hey cellphones with video is here to stay and fuck privacy thats like so 20th century.

Anyway thats why I think this commercial is so epic awesome ROTFLMAO. I'm glad I got a chance to use this blog to say it but actually I think this is kind of a lame site LOL dont tell John LOL

--John Jamele's 13-year old intern, who volunteered to do this post because John had a headache from pounding his head against a wall

The Olive Garden Ramps up the Stupid

It's bad enough that the people in this commercial appear to be INSANELY happy to be eating at The Olive Garden- I mean, good lord. They look like they are five years old and are being treated to a day at Disney World. But the ridiculously blissful grins are only the beginning of this reality-bending slice of garbage, which is over the top even for OG ads.

This guy tells us that he "goes to The Olive Garden all the time.." Seriously? You know, there ARE other restaurants out there. They're called GOOD restaurants. And if you skip the Olive Garden two or three times, you could afford to go to one.

This guy continues "...and I knew about the endless bread sticks and salad, but now there's endless PASTA as well?" Yep, you can now get "endless" (I don't know why "unlimited" or "all you can eat" doesn't work fine here. Not as classy-sounding? How classy can you be, you are at the OLIVE GARDEN!) pasta too!

Wow, super-amazing deal here. All the pasta you can eat, plus all the salad and bread sticks, for "only" $8.95. Look, I know you pay a premium when you eat out- the food gets served to you, you don't have to do the dishes, etc- but think about this for a minute. Even if anyone would really WANT to mix spaghetti and tomato sauce in one course, followed by linguini and clam sauce the next, followed by angel hair pasta and pesto the next- how many bowls of pasta can a person eat at one sitting, especially while dampening the appetite with salad and bread? Nine dollars worth? If you think so, you haven't checked the prices of pasta lately. A box of spaghetti costs about fifty cents.

"How's your pasta, sir?" I'd prefer that his guy be rude and respond "it's pasta, and I've noticed that no matter how much of this wine I drink, I really don't want to eat that much of it," rather than the Not Funny Yet Hysterical-Laugh Inducing "Endless." Why does every Olive Garden ad end with people laughing? It sure isn't because anything even remotely amusing has been said.

Maybe it's the cheap wine. I suppose if they made that endless, these idiots would never leave.

Where have you been all my life?

Finally!

Someone has Finally(!) responded to the decades-old demand of American males in their twenties and thirties for a chicken sandwich we can order without having to ponder the painful question "do you want that on wheat or white?"

Finally(!) we can get fried chicken, bacon, and cheese in one nifty little package, with no danger of exposing our bodies to nasty carbs or (shudder) fiber!

Finally (!) guys of limited means can kill themselves with food while sticking to a tight budget. Back in the bad old days, you'd have to spend serious money stuffing this level of fat and sodium into your bloodstream. Well, KFC to the rescue- now you can speed your way to the grave with the change you dug out of the couch or glove compartment.

And now, we Finally(!) have a lunch worthy of our consideration after breakfasting on IHOP's cheesecake-filled pancake platters.

All we need now is for someone to come up with a good, wholesome dinner-- I don't think Long John Silver's Hush Puppies or The Olive Garden's Endless Pasta Bowl with Breadsticks quite fits the bill- and we'll have our Last Request menu in place.

But back to KFC for a moment- I want the names of the people who actually requested this Double Down monstrosity. Because unless you make your living doing liposuction or open-heart surgery, it's hard to imagine how the existence of this crud really enhances your life at all.