This commercial probably makes more sense after a head injury

Here's my guess: The ad makers were told to come up with ideas for three separate commercials. Then they were told that there was only enough money to produce one.

That would explain why we start off with a pretty young couple apparently attempting to determine the way to some highway "outside of Lancaster" by staring up and down a desert road before remembering that they can get directions by calling OnStar ( I can do exactly the same thing by punching the information into my cheap GPS unit, which doesn't cost me a penny per month, but that's just me.)

Then we lurch to a scene where your typical technology-obsessed weirdo is bleating "check it out, I can check the oil, I can check the gas levelright here on my phone" (is this the same woman who asked for directions to the highway outside of Lancaster? I think so, but I'm not sure. I don't know how we went from going to a highway outside of Lancaster to discussing the ability to check the gas level in the car which, I'm sure this person would be surprised to know, was actually possible BEFORE OnStar. I mean, my super-modern car has a handy little gauge RIGHT THERE ON THE DASHBOARD which constantly updates the gas level on my car, and I don't even HAVE OnStar.

Suddenly we have shifted gears AGAIN, and we are with some NEW guy staring at a busted windshield as he's being told by OnStar that a crash has been detected. "Some guy just...cut me off..." this new character reports. I can't help but wonder if he got cut off by the first couple, perhaps while they were distracted by the "need" to use their phone to check the gas level of their car as they drove happily down the road, heading for some highway outside of Lancaster.

Now we have left the injured guy and have returned to the pretty young couple- I think- who have arrived at some place which may be an amusement park but suddenly appears to be a beach-- all I know for sure is that a song which sounds a lot like "Sunday Bloody Sunday" is playing in the background. I'm guessing we aren't worried about the guy who was in that accident between scenes with the pretty young couple.

Suddenly the commercial ends with people making stupid faces at the camera and someone else yelling "all right!" As in, "all right, we got all these weird disjointed, completely unconnected and utterly baffling selling points in one thirty-second ad! We Rock!?" I guess.

But the first few times I saw this commercial, I couldn't figure out whether it was for OnStar or some Smart Phone App. And I still don't really know what is going on here after four or five viewings. That can't be intentional, can it?

(UPDATE: In the refurbished edition of this ad, a woman calls OnStar to ask why the Check Engine light is on. The OnStar Operator informs her that she has "a loose gas tank cap." Want to bet the woman's next move was to search for a Tighten Gas Cap App on her SmartPhone?)

Quick Take on Traveler's Commercial

The rattle this snake has been outfitted with looks completely functional- it even sounds like the original. Sure it looks stupid, but if it causes mammals to become paralyzed with laughter, that seems like more of a bonus for the snake than a drawback. Seems to me that the snake in this commercial is every bit as deadly with a toy rattle as a "replacement part" as has with his original equipment.

So the best way to end this commercial is with the snake wiping out the entire rabbit hutch with it's presumably still-lethal venom and getting the last laugh.

Seriously, I don't get this commercial at all.

The Incredibly Flexible Greeness of SunChips

Full Disclosure: I like SunChips very much. Especially original flavor.

Now that that's out of the way...

Check out this self-congratulatory ad for my favorite salted snack. It has everything- the celebration of Earth's rich soil, the triumphant green stem rising from the earth as SunChip's new biodegradable bag vanishes into nothingness (ashes to ashes, as it were,) all to the tune of a single guitar and a suitably folksy little "let's get together and save the planet by doing the impossible" tune.

SunChips, you see, is a company that cares. After years of polluting the planet along with the rest of the scarf-it-down-and-throw-the-package-away industry, SunChips is ready to be different. Better. Because gosh darn it, SunChips listened- listened to the Earth cry out for help, and listened to the socially conscious snack-consuming public which demanded (I guess) that it's snacks come in containers that won't be hanging around a million years after the human race has gone the way of the Dodo. Yay for SunChips, which saw an opening and jumped into it. That they want to produce such a smarmy little valentine to itself in response is fine, too- they deserve it.

So while everyone else acts as if our resources are infinite and so is Mother Nature's ability to repair the planet, SunChips is taking a small but important step. Oh, but there's one little drawback, hardly worth mentioning: the bags are really noisy to open and to handle. I'm sure that the smart people at SunChips will find a way to make a series of really fun commercials using this little quirk- "a little noise pollution, a lot less landfill pollution," something like that. Except, more clever of course.

Oh wait, never mind. SunChips has just announced that because it continues to listen to it's customers, they've heard complaints about the noise, so they are scrapping the noisy bags and going back to the non-recyclable ones. All that Celebrating Earth Day Jazz? Never mind. All that "do the impossible, love our planet" crap? Pretend it didn't happen. Because the bags are noisy.

And with this reversal, SunChips presents an awesome example of the elasticity of the corporate social ethic. Just a few months after selling us on the idea that their new bags were a vital step toward saving the planet, SunChips now tells us that saving us from being buried in garbage is not as important as providing us with a bag that isn't louder than the others. Great message, SunChips.

Next time a company makes some adjustment to it's product to make it more Earth-friendly, I think the tag line should be "Because We Care. For Now."

Southwest's Don't Bother to Hunt for Bargains Campaign

I'm planning a trip to England next summer. I'm going to either take a quick tour through England, Wales and Scotland through Globus or Cosmos, or I'm going to hike Hadrian's Wall.

In researching my options, I'm finding many websites offering the same tour at different prices. With the Cosmos Tour, for example, I've found no fewer than four different prices for basically the same itinerary. I don't think I'm at all unique in trying to find bargain prices for travel from different websites.

Which makes this latest nugget of sludge from Southwest- the people who brought us (and continue to bring us) the Bags Fly Free Rappers and Bags Fly Free Good Cop/Bad Cop ads- so odd. Here we had a ridiculously tortured argument against discount sites, as Southwest employees blather happily about how awesome it is that there is exactly ONE place and ONE PLACE ONLY to buy tickets on Southwest.com. Kind of like the "No Haggle" ads in car commercials- "this is our price. Period. Isn't that great?" Or a recent Burger King campaign- "here's one place where you don't have to decide 'paper or plastic.' We only use paper."

Frankly, I don't know who this commercial is supposed to appeal to. Telling people not to bother to look for bargains doesn't seem to me to be an especially effective way of winning over the buying public. Is there really a population of air travelers out there who just want to be told "look, here's your price, click or get lost?" Maybe there is- but I didn't know that the OPTION of searching for a better price was some kind of negative.

So I can't bring myself to thank you, Southwest, for making my choice "easier" by offering no choice at all. "Take it Or Leave it" doesn't seem designed to build customer loyalty. So I think I'll Leave It-- at least until you offer $49 flights from National Airport in Washington DC to Burlington, Vermont. When that happens, I'll overlook your stupid ads and buy a ticket. Because hey, at least my Bag Flies Free.TM

Your Phone Doesn't Make You Powerful

It's not the Magna Carta.

It's not the Declaration of Rights, the English Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence or the Declaration of the Rights of Man.

It's not poetry, a manifesto, or even a fucking blog entry.

It's not your college admissions essay, or your graduation speech.

It's a fucking phone company.

All it cares about is your monthly payment. You're right that it doesn't care how old you are, or what you have to say. As long as the check shows up on time, blather and text and Facebook and tweet away all you want.

If you want to make more of that than it is, I guess that's up to you.

But you are fooling yourself if you believe that your sad, empty life somehow becomes more valuable if you can put it on display for the online population. Because pointless bullshit that roams through your head does not become less pointless when a billion people can see it.

ThisCommercialSucks to the people in this commercial:

Get.

The Hell.

Over Yourselves.

Let's just say that you don't want it back

Yes, honey, I know where your shirt is. Remember last weekend, when your mom disappeared for a few days, only to show up passed out in the hallway on Monday morning? No, LAST weekend. Well, I was under this delusion that if I dressed like my teenaged daughter I might get some more action at the clubs me and the rest of the Sex and the City Fan Club hang out at, so I "borrowed" that green shirt. I just did manage to strip it off and toss it in my hamper before passing out, which is why when you found me, I was pretty much naked, as usual.

Don't look at me like that. I brought you into this world, after all- me and that guy I laughingly call "your father"- the one who pays the mortgage on the palace you live in when the child support payments come in on time. And don't think for one damn minute that bastard isn't swiping your brother's clothes from time to time when HE goes out on the prowl. What's that? You're sorry you asked? Me too.

And no, you don't want to know where that stain came from.

Miller Lite's Stunning Condescending, Completely Baffling "For the Vets" Ad

I could post a month's worth of snark featuring nothing but this fat busybody and his determination to refuse Miller Lite to anyone who isn't an unpretentious, middle-class Fox News viewer. It would be easy for me to post one blog entry after another focusing on this dipshit and his quixotic mission to seize back beer purchased honestly by people whose money isn't good enough for Miller Lite; or perhaps this lunatic has just snapped after decades of hauling suds and now thinks his job is to engage in a furious Beer Recall, even to the point of grabbing bottles right out the hands of the consumers.

And I'm not promising I won't be using one of those commercials, someday. But for now, I'll focus on one that strays outside the usual "you are not worthy of this beer" bullshit, because darn it, this particular commercial is so damned perplexing that I can't explain it's purpose or meaning for the life of me.

For some reason, our favorite fat beer-seizing choad is rushing through an airport with an assistant/toady, pushing an empty cart. Hey, I didn't write this thing. And it only gets dumber from here.

Noticing men in camouflage fatigues, fat choad exclaims "THESE vets must be here for the parade!" Of course. This is exactly what goes through MY mind whenever I see military personnel in airports- because really, why else would they be in an airport, unless they had flown in for a parade in their honor? It's not like they have to fly anywhere, ever, right? I mean, I've got a friend who has served in the military for thirty years, and I'm POSITIVE that he has NEVER taken a plane for any other reason than to get to a parade. Jesus.

Fat choad's intern/toady makes some boot-licking comment about designer luggage, and you just know that if anyone with designer luggage was caught drinking a Miller Lite, that beer would be quickly confiscated. I mean, that's like drinking Miller Lite at a dog show, or in the owner's box at a baseball game. A real, obvious, No-No.

Fat choad walks up to a vet whose fatigues match his baggage and asks "excuse me, sir, whose name is on your bag?" And here is where we have one of the truly epic fails in the history of commercials. I have no idea how the vet responds to this stupid question- he says "Mine- Cone Bryant." Or maybe it's "Cornin Bryant." Or "Conan Bryant." I don't know, because the guy I suspect is an Actual Vet couldn't be bothered to enunciate his name in a tone which could be picked up an understood by human ears.

It's not just me- even the Best Commercial Ever crowd over at YouTube, which adores each and every ad ever televised, is mystified by the guy's muttered response.

"Now that's deserving a piece of the high life" says our favorite fat doofus, offering his hand to the vet as we the helpless viewers can only shake our heads at the stupidity of it all. WHAT is deserving "a piece of the high life?" That the guy's name is the same as the one on his luggage? That his luggage matches his uniform? That he's "here for the parade?"

I mean, what the hell is going on here? Was I supposed to do some reading before watching this commercial?

We conclude with some notice that Miller Lite is contributing something to veterans, sort of - not ten cents for every bottle purchased, but ten cents for every bottle cap returned. I'm going to say right now- really cheap of you, Miller. Why not just be honest and announce "we want to be associated with the idea of helping the troops, but not to the extent it's going to cost us money." Because that's what I heard.

At any rate, the "Support the Vets Because God Knows Miller Isn't Going To" message is totally lost in the confused haze that is this ad. Is it really the purpose of any commercial to leave the viewers wondering "what the hell WAS that?" If so, well played, Miller Brewing Company.

Now please, retire that fat lunatic before he finally confronts someone unwilling to be separated from his legally-purchased lite beer of choice.