Dodge makes Hyundai look honest with this ad

The man with the Deep Sincere Voice tells me that a handshake is all I need to drive off with a Dodge Ram for two months- "and if it doesn't do everything you want it to do, bring it back."

It's a sacred bond, that handshake. It's all about trust and being men and wearing filthy gloves and throwing heavy dirty things into the backs of trucks with such force that it causes the bed to bounce on the shocks- you know, stuff Us Guys Do pretty much every weekend. I just finished loading a truck myself, of course. I mean, it is Sunday after all.

Yes, that handshake sure means a lot. According to Dodge, it means I get to kick the living shit out of one of their trucks for sixty days, and then bring it right back to the dealer if "it doesn't do everything I want it to do." That would be absurd enough if I wanted it do do just the things I see in this commercial. But I'd have much more inventive ideas for the truck I borrowed on "just a handshake." I'd do ALL the things I've seen in EVERY truck commercial. I'd take sharp turns in puddles. I'd haul nuclear submarine parts attached to massive iron chains through the desert. I'd ford rivers and see if this thing could get me through the Appalachians.

And when I returned what was left of this truck, I'd remind the dealer that hey, we had a handshake deal, and I no longer want what is left of what is now HIS truck again. If he gave me any problems (what are the odds?) I'd remind him of the sacredness of that five-fingered Bond of Honor we shared two months earlier. I'd be doing this as I tossed him the keys and walked away, obligation-free, of course.

Who are we kidding here? The fine print on this "Just a Handshake" deal must be fifty pages long. Anyone out there really believe that if you don't return your truck in absolutely showroom-quality condition, you aren't going to be given some version of "you broke it, you own it, pal?" Anyone out there really that stupid? Really?

I'm not a big fan of Dave Ramsey, but I do think he is right on the money with one of his witticisms- "an oral contract is worth the paper it's written on." If you believe in this "Just a Handshake" crap, you probably think that the people in Hyundai Uncensored commercials are, well, Uncensored.

Hey, Dodge- if you want to call me on this, I'd be happy to drive around in one of your Bailout Mobiles for a couple of months. I might even bring it through the car wash once or twice before my time is up. But until I see it for myself, I don't believe for one damn minute that I'm going to be able to return it if there is so much as a SCRATCH on the bumper. Handshake or no Handshake.

This guy's life is even emptier than mine!!

This guy has a goal. Or maybe "goal" is not a good word- maybe "obsession" fits better.

He really, really wants a Volkswagen Jetta. Ok, we can't ALL want to be Rulers of the Planet, with absolute power to rise up our friends/supplicants and smite our enemies. I'm not saying that's my goal, I'm just postulating here that some of us have to set our sights a bit lower.

This guy wants a Jetta SO BAD that he's willing to take every humiliating, menial, and downright dangerous job he can find in order to raise the thousands of dollars in nickles and dimes needed to purchase one. At this point, you kind of have to wonder where this guy managed to miss Economics 101. I mean, look- unless you think that the Horatio Alger books somehow reflect real life, most ADULTS have come to a general understanding that no matter how many Lower than Minimum Wage jobs you agree to take, the costs involved in getting to those jobs, and the hours you waste at them, don't add up to a whole hell of a lot when it comes to cash. It's a zero sum game, unless you are trying to raise money for that Avatar DVD or a regular lunch from McDonald's Dollar Menu.

Our hero is on the verge of washing someone's car when he suddenly realizes that the Automobile of his Dreams ( I don't dream of automobiles, btw; not even when I'm taking a break from dreaming of smiting my enemies, which I really don't do at all, at least, not very often...) is only $15,995. Wow, thank goodness he saw that enormous poster, because if he didn't, this might have all turned out like that O.Henry short story, where the woman and her husband spend twenty years slaving away to earn the money they spent replacing a necklace made of paste. Actually, that would have been kind of funny.

Here's the awesome punchline- this guy buys not one, but TWO Volkswagen Jettas, which conveniently go well with (presumably previously car-less) two car garage, which is located in what looks to be a rather substantial suburb.

So this guy owns a house. With a two-car garage. In the suburbs.

And his dream was to buy a Jetta, which he apparently assumed must cost a huge amount of money; I mean, just check out how superawesomeamazing it is.

And realizing that he could afford to buy one without further humiliating himself, he bought two.

I have two questions: First- when he wanted to buy that house, how many part-time jobs did he take on top of his regular gig before he learned about these mysterious things called "Mortgages?"

Second- are we to presume that the jobs he is shown doing in this commercial actually netted him $32,000 in a reasonably short amount of time? If so, where do I sign up? Maybe I have this economics thing all wrong. I could dress like a hot dog if you give me a chance, I KNOW I could!

This commercial probably makes more sense after a head injury

Here's my guess: The ad makers were told to come up with ideas for three separate commercials. Then they were told that there was only enough money to produce one.

That would explain why we start off with a pretty young couple apparently attempting to determine the way to some highway "outside of Lancaster" by staring up and down a desert road before remembering that they can get directions by calling OnStar ( I can do exactly the same thing by punching the information into my cheap GPS unit, which doesn't cost me a penny per month, but that's just me.)

Then we lurch to a scene where your typical technology-obsessed weirdo is bleating "check it out, I can check the oil, I can check the gas levelright here on my phone" (is this the same woman who asked for directions to the highway outside of Lancaster? I think so, but I'm not sure. I don't know how we went from going to a highway outside of Lancaster to discussing the ability to check the gas level in the car which, I'm sure this person would be surprised to know, was actually possible BEFORE OnStar. I mean, my super-modern car has a handy little gauge RIGHT THERE ON THE DASHBOARD which constantly updates the gas level on my car, and I don't even HAVE OnStar.

Suddenly we have shifted gears AGAIN, and we are with some NEW guy staring at a busted windshield as he's being told by OnStar that a crash has been detected. "Some guy just...cut me off..." this new character reports. I can't help but wonder if he got cut off by the first couple, perhaps while they were distracted by the "need" to use their phone to check the gas level of their car as they drove happily down the road, heading for some highway outside of Lancaster.

Now we have left the injured guy and have returned to the pretty young couple- I think- who have arrived at some place which may be an amusement park but suddenly appears to be a beach-- all I know for sure is that a song which sounds a lot like "Sunday Bloody Sunday" is playing in the background. I'm guessing we aren't worried about the guy who was in that accident between scenes with the pretty young couple.

Suddenly the commercial ends with people making stupid faces at the camera and someone else yelling "all right!" As in, "all right, we got all these weird disjointed, completely unconnected and utterly baffling selling points in one thirty-second ad! We Rock!?" I guess.

But the first few times I saw this commercial, I couldn't figure out whether it was for OnStar or some Smart Phone App. And I still don't really know what is going on here after four or five viewings. That can't be intentional, can it?

(UPDATE: In the refurbished edition of this ad, a woman calls OnStar to ask why the Check Engine light is on. The OnStar Operator informs her that she has "a loose gas tank cap." Want to bet the woman's next move was to search for a Tighten Gas Cap App on her SmartPhone?)

Quick Take on Traveler's Commercial

The rattle this snake has been outfitted with looks completely functional- it even sounds like the original. Sure it looks stupid, but if it causes mammals to become paralyzed with laughter, that seems like more of a bonus for the snake than a drawback. Seems to me that the snake in this commercial is every bit as deadly with a toy rattle as a "replacement part" as has with his original equipment.

So the best way to end this commercial is with the snake wiping out the entire rabbit hutch with it's presumably still-lethal venom and getting the last laugh.

Seriously, I don't get this commercial at all.

The Incredibly Flexible Greeness of SunChips

Full Disclosure: I like SunChips very much. Especially original flavor.

Now that that's out of the way...

Check out this self-congratulatory ad for my favorite salted snack. It has everything- the celebration of Earth's rich soil, the triumphant green stem rising from the earth as SunChip's new biodegradable bag vanishes into nothingness (ashes to ashes, as it were,) all to the tune of a single guitar and a suitably folksy little "let's get together and save the planet by doing the impossible" tune.

SunChips, you see, is a company that cares. After years of polluting the planet along with the rest of the scarf-it-down-and-throw-the-package-away industry, SunChips is ready to be different. Better. Because gosh darn it, SunChips listened- listened to the Earth cry out for help, and listened to the socially conscious snack-consuming public which demanded (I guess) that it's snacks come in containers that won't be hanging around a million years after the human race has gone the way of the Dodo. Yay for SunChips, which saw an opening and jumped into it. That they want to produce such a smarmy little valentine to itself in response is fine, too- they deserve it.

So while everyone else acts as if our resources are infinite and so is Mother Nature's ability to repair the planet, SunChips is taking a small but important step. Oh, but there's one little drawback, hardly worth mentioning: the bags are really noisy to open and to handle. I'm sure that the smart people at SunChips will find a way to make a series of really fun commercials using this little quirk- "a little noise pollution, a lot less landfill pollution," something like that. Except, more clever of course.

Oh wait, never mind. SunChips has just announced that because it continues to listen to it's customers, they've heard complaints about the noise, so they are scrapping the noisy bags and going back to the non-recyclable ones. All that Celebrating Earth Day Jazz? Never mind. All that "do the impossible, love our planet" crap? Pretend it didn't happen. Because the bags are noisy.

And with this reversal, SunChips presents an awesome example of the elasticity of the corporate social ethic. Just a few months after selling us on the idea that their new bags were a vital step toward saving the planet, SunChips now tells us that saving us from being buried in garbage is not as important as providing us with a bag that isn't louder than the others. Great message, SunChips.

Next time a company makes some adjustment to it's product to make it more Earth-friendly, I think the tag line should be "Because We Care. For Now."

Southwest's Don't Bother to Hunt for Bargains Campaign

I'm planning a trip to England next summer. I'm going to either take a quick tour through England, Wales and Scotland through Globus or Cosmos, or I'm going to hike Hadrian's Wall.

In researching my options, I'm finding many websites offering the same tour at different prices. With the Cosmos Tour, for example, I've found no fewer than four different prices for basically the same itinerary. I don't think I'm at all unique in trying to find bargain prices for travel from different websites.

Which makes this latest nugget of sludge from Southwest- the people who brought us (and continue to bring us) the Bags Fly Free Rappers and Bags Fly Free Good Cop/Bad Cop ads- so odd. Here we had a ridiculously tortured argument against discount sites, as Southwest employees blather happily about how awesome it is that there is exactly ONE place and ONE PLACE ONLY to buy tickets on Southwest.com. Kind of like the "No Haggle" ads in car commercials- "this is our price. Period. Isn't that great?" Or a recent Burger King campaign- "here's one place where you don't have to decide 'paper or plastic.' We only use paper."

Frankly, I don't know who this commercial is supposed to appeal to. Telling people not to bother to look for bargains doesn't seem to me to be an especially effective way of winning over the buying public. Is there really a population of air travelers out there who just want to be told "look, here's your price, click or get lost?" Maybe there is- but I didn't know that the OPTION of searching for a better price was some kind of negative.

So I can't bring myself to thank you, Southwest, for making my choice "easier" by offering no choice at all. "Take it Or Leave it" doesn't seem designed to build customer loyalty. So I think I'll Leave It-- at least until you offer $49 flights from National Airport in Washington DC to Burlington, Vermont. When that happens, I'll overlook your stupid ads and buy a ticket. Because hey, at least my Bag Flies Free.TM

Your Phone Doesn't Make You Powerful

It's not the Magna Carta.

It's not the Declaration of Rights, the English Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence or the Declaration of the Rights of Man.

It's not poetry, a manifesto, or even a fucking blog entry.

It's not your college admissions essay, or your graduation speech.

It's a fucking phone company.

All it cares about is your monthly payment. You're right that it doesn't care how old you are, or what you have to say. As long as the check shows up on time, blather and text and Facebook and tweet away all you want.

If you want to make more of that than it is, I guess that's up to you.

But you are fooling yourself if you believe that your sad, empty life somehow becomes more valuable if you can put it on display for the online population. Because pointless bullshit that roams through your head does not become less pointless when a billion people can see it.

ThisCommercialSucks to the people in this commercial:

Get.

The Hell.

Over Yourselves.