Thank Goodness it's still the 19th Century Somewhere!

Ok, I think I get it now- Somehow, all these unrelated scenes featuring glassy-eyed idiots singing some tuneless piece of crap of a "song" form together to create a commercial for everybody's favorite corporate vulture, Arkansas-based but China-dependent Walmart. It took a while, and a few viewings, but now I understand that the message is that a gigantic box store dropped smack in the middle of what was once a nice little cornfield or park is exactly what we all need to make our lives a little bit better. Maybe it's the lead-based toys and brand name electronics. Maybe it's the deep discount clothing. Maybe it's the- oh hell, Walmart sells everything, so what's the point?

Here's the point: Walmart efficiently brings the fine work of 10 million Asian minors to your neighborhood, where it can all be found under one convenient roof. Thanks to Walmart, the regrettable abolition of slavery in the United States doesn't have to mean high prices. Slavery, after all, wasn't really abolished- it was just exported. For people without an imagination, that might be an obstacle. But not for the wonderful people at Walmart. Shop as if downtown New York is still America's sweatshop district- just because you can't smell the stench or see the exhausted, starving, desperately poor and utterly out of hope workers, doesn't mean they aren't there, working for You to provide all those Little Things which put a song in your heart and a cheap phone in your cart.

So hooray for Walmart for allowing us to buy just a little bit more, at no real social cost- at least, not any that we can see. Makes you feel all warm inside, doesn't it?

Look- it's bad enough that most Americans couldn't give a damn where all this cheap crap comes from, or even how Walmart sucks the life's blood out of communities by driving small stores out of business and depressing wages. But damn it, do we really need ads featuring people SINGING about a corporate monster which feeds like a tapeworm on innocent, helpless kids on the other side of the planet? Have we no shame at all?

Oh Goody, THESE Idiots Again

I guess "Washington" is back to talking about going all Nanny-Government on us again, because this organization with the hilariously misleading name "Americans Against Food Taxes" is treating us to another wave of commercials featuring oppressed, harassed mommies who just want the "politicians" to keep it's damn hands off of her purse so she can continue to blow the family payroll on "food" like soda, sports drinks, "even flavored water."

This time a real Tea Party element has been added to the script- whereas it used to be sufficient to "tell Washington we can't AFFORD to pay another 1.3 cents per liter for obesity-promoting sugar water," the Glenn Beck Brigade has upped the ante and now Americans Against Paying Extra For Stuff that Kills Us is throwing around words like "dictating" and and phrases like "we don't need the government telling us how to feed our families." After all, let's not forget that this government is currently being run by a Kenyan Marxist Anti-Nationalist American Exceptionalism Denier who still refuses to release his birth certificate (too busy apologizing to the world for America's surplus of fat children, no doubt.)

This woman isn't satisfied to sneer at "Washington"- she makes reference to "politicians" with a nasty little sneer I'm sure betokens a deep understanding of how our Constitutional system functions and a disgust at it's corruption by The Left, what with their Tell Everyone What To Do agenda. First they told me I couldn't keep driving my seatbelt-free 1964 Volkswagen Beetle. Then they told me I couldn't smoke next to babies on the plane. Now they want me to pay an extra nickel for a week's supply of sodium in a bottle. And all because it's for our "own good."

Can't Washington see that this woman doesn't need any help deciding how to spend her money on groceries? She's doing a great job making that tight budget dollar go a little farther and still keeping her family in Brand X ginger ale, Gatorade and "flavored water" (pardon the redundancy.) Now if this stereotype of a stuffed-suit, power-hungry politician will just step aside, she has to get this crap home to those mushrooms with legs that she calls her husband and kids. I mean, it's almost time for
Hannity.

Wow, this is just like what happened to me once! Oh wait, no it's not

Filthy-rich suburbanites who were probably hippies many, many years ago (before their souls died, or were sacrificed to Mammon) get the not-unwelcome news that the husband has been transferred to Istanbul. Unlike all those whiners who learn that their jobs have been outsourced to a phone bank in Pakistan and then- like the whiny, spoiled little brats they are, refuse to either follow it or agree to take that job as a Wal-Mart greeter that's just sitting there, Filthy-rich suburbanites take it all in stride.

Their pioneering spirit is of no doubt invaluable to them as they "settle in" to their luxurious new surroundings. They "find a deli" (thank goodness, because they were so attached to that $15 sandwich, $5 coffee place they frequented pretty much every other day back in Manhattan,) learn how to gesture their wishes to the mysteriously ethnic brown people in the shops (it's not exactly Whole Foods, but they are willing to rough it,) and somehow manage to adjust to watching the sunset on the Bosporus instead of the Hudson, the brave dears.

Back home, their equally vile son wants to buy them a gift for their thirtieth wedding anniversary and gets the super-bright idea of calling CitiBank to ask how many "Thank You" points it would take to buy the pampered assholes who breeded him the two seats they used to sit in at Shea.

Oh good lord, you have got to be kidding me. This guy uses his credit card SO OFTEN that he's accumulated enough points to cash in for something that must cost thousands of dollars- really? GOD I hate this family.

Back in Istanbul, our intrepid adventurers (who really need to die, and I mean right now) chuckle at their adorable son's thoughfullness (I'm sure they'd feel the same way if they knew the seats didn't even cost him anything) and sit their way-too-comfortable, massively entitled asses down on their new gifts, which add just the perfect touch of "America" to their freaking palace. Can you tell how much I hate these people?

Once again, CitiBank manages to perfectly capture the pulse of our nation with this ad. I mean, who among us can't relate to the middle-aged couple or their delightfully generous son? Sure, I don't have quite as many "Thank You" points accumulated as he does, but I can't be that far behind- last time I checked, I think I had enough to order a nice pen and pencil set. And in this economy, who among us doesn't live in constant worry that we'll wake up one day and learn that our company is shipping us off to Istanbul, or Paris, or Rome, or some other backwater?

I only hope that this couple, their son, and every single one of those "Ask Chuck" spokeschoads someday find themselves facing a REAL challenge that can't be solved by flashing a fucking credit card, and that involves something a bit more daunting than replacing the upscale deli that was So Important in Our Lives Back Home. These people might actually be even more loathsome than the eTrade babies- and that's saying a LOT.

I was just sitting watching my TV, and started viewing About Me

I guess the idea here is that there is a form of life which loves to be dunked in sudsy water before having it's face pushed across dirty floors. I don't know about you, but I was aware of this already.

And when Yesterday's News gets replaced by The New Kid in Town, there's some level of heartbreak experienced by the dirty mop, which never appreciated how truly wonderful it was to be soaked in cloudy water and Pine-Sol, wrung out, pushed around for a while, and finally stuffed into a dark closet until needed again. I can so relate to this.

The rejection and sense of betrayal is so great that what was Once Useful, but is Now a fuzzy, distant and not always-pleasant memory will resort to stalking, flowers, telegrams, candy, and bad 70s music- again, do these guys have a camera in my house, or what? I mean, all that's left is to have this mop use FaceBook exclusively to cry out to The One that Got Away (only to be met with indifferent silence,) and the stunningly accurate portrayal of my life is complete.

I'm not quite sure what this ad is trying to sell, but I'll keep watching anyway, if only for the stalking tips.

If It's Sunday, Hyundai is treating us like gullible sheep again

"Most car commercials tell you what to think..."

Yes, and you stunningly dishonest honey-fuglers* at Hyundai are no different, except in your absolutely complete disregard for the most basic rules of advertising and customer relations. Since you clearly missed the cut when you attempted to register for DECENCY 101, let me give you a very brief primer on the subject:

1. It's perfectly ok to exaggerate when attempting to sell a product. Go ahead and hire an actor to portray Christopher Columbus declaring with a straight face (and in perfect English) that the Hyundai Sonata is the greatest discovery in the history of mankind.

2. It's perfectly ok to attempt to convince the audience that your product is The Answer to All Questions. Go ahead and show us people pushing buttons to get directions, adjust the mirrors, and adjust the seat temperatures. Go ahead and show the same people using voice commands to do things I've always somehow managed to do with my hands- change CDs, adjust volume, you know, really really hard stuff like that.

3. It's perfectly ok to pretend that your product is already so insanely popular that if the audience doesn't leave the house to head out to the nearest dealer before the ad is over, it's probably too late to get in on this Super. Awesome. Amazing. Deal. Go ahead and show people knocking each other over to get at one of your crappy, Looks-Like-Every-Other-Car-On-The-Road automobiles.

4. It's generally ok to treat us like idiots who will believe almost anything. However...

It is NOT OK to brazenly LIE in your ads, which is what you are doing right here. I've posted on this before, but like the horrid "Punch Dub Days" and Smirnoff's "Let's Get Drunk and Do Stupid, Dangerous Things" commercials, this campaign deserves multiple snarks. "Hyundai Uncensored" is nothing of the sort. And here's how I, or anyone with half a brain, managed to figure this out:

A. If these ads were "Uncensored," we'd be watching 20 minute test drives, and seeing every moment and hearing every comment made DURING those test drives. Including SOME negative comments about the cars being driven; even ONE would be more believable than the current total of NONE.

B. If these ads were "Uncensored," we wouldn't see two completely different people make the same lame-ass, cringe-worthy "Hyundai-Sunday" pun. I mean, that's just breathtakingly obvious, isn't it? What, did the dealer subliminally plant that into the mind of the driver just before handing over the keys? Or are we REALLY supposed to believe that two drivers 1) noticed that it was Sunday, 2) Noticed that Sunday rhymes with Hyundai, and 3) thought that this was worth mentioning to the person next to them?

C. If these people were actually being captured with a hidden camera, Hyundai opened itself up to a breach of privacy lawsuit in the hopes of capturing some "honest" reviews of their cars from test drivers. Yeah, Right. Obviously, the "hidden cameras" were not hidden at all, the drivers were handed scripts, and the five seconds of dialogue required were dutifully bleated by the "real people" to be used for these stupid commercials.

Seriously, Hyundai, cut the crap. This is insulting and deceptive beyond the usual ad fare. I can't believe you are fooling anyone with this blatantly fake nonsense. You could at LEAST throw in ONE person saying something like "I'm gonna go back and check out that Jetta before I make a decision" or "Christ this thing handles like a freaking tank, someone's gotta tell Hyundai about this new invention called 'power steering!'" That would demonstrate an EFFORT at least.

*Honey-Fugler: One who cheats or deceives, often through use of flattery or sweet-talk. I'm not sure it quite fits here, but it was good enough for President Taft, and therefore it's good enough for me.

Dodge makes Hyundai look honest with this ad

The man with the Deep Sincere Voice tells me that a handshake is all I need to drive off with a Dodge Ram for two months- "and if it doesn't do everything you want it to do, bring it back."

It's a sacred bond, that handshake. It's all about trust and being men and wearing filthy gloves and throwing heavy dirty things into the backs of trucks with such force that it causes the bed to bounce on the shocks- you know, stuff Us Guys Do pretty much every weekend. I just finished loading a truck myself, of course. I mean, it is Sunday after all.

Yes, that handshake sure means a lot. According to Dodge, it means I get to kick the living shit out of one of their trucks for sixty days, and then bring it right back to the dealer if "it doesn't do everything I want it to do." That would be absurd enough if I wanted it do do just the things I see in this commercial. But I'd have much more inventive ideas for the truck I borrowed on "just a handshake." I'd do ALL the things I've seen in EVERY truck commercial. I'd take sharp turns in puddles. I'd haul nuclear submarine parts attached to massive iron chains through the desert. I'd ford rivers and see if this thing could get me through the Appalachians.

And when I returned what was left of this truck, I'd remind the dealer that hey, we had a handshake deal, and I no longer want what is left of what is now HIS truck again. If he gave me any problems (what are the odds?) I'd remind him of the sacredness of that five-fingered Bond of Honor we shared two months earlier. I'd be doing this as I tossed him the keys and walked away, obligation-free, of course.

Who are we kidding here? The fine print on this "Just a Handshake" deal must be fifty pages long. Anyone out there really believe that if you don't return your truck in absolutely showroom-quality condition, you aren't going to be given some version of "you broke it, you own it, pal?" Anyone out there really that stupid? Really?

I'm not a big fan of Dave Ramsey, but I do think he is right on the money with one of his witticisms- "an oral contract is worth the paper it's written on." If you believe in this "Just a Handshake" crap, you probably think that the people in Hyundai Uncensored commercials are, well, Uncensored.

Hey, Dodge- if you want to call me on this, I'd be happy to drive around in one of your Bailout Mobiles for a couple of months. I might even bring it through the car wash once or twice before my time is up. But until I see it for myself, I don't believe for one damn minute that I'm going to be able to return it if there is so much as a SCRATCH on the bumper. Handshake or no Handshake.

This guy's life is even emptier than mine!!

This guy has a goal. Or maybe "goal" is not a good word- maybe "obsession" fits better.

He really, really wants a Volkswagen Jetta. Ok, we can't ALL want to be Rulers of the Planet, with absolute power to rise up our friends/supplicants and smite our enemies. I'm not saying that's my goal, I'm just postulating here that some of us have to set our sights a bit lower.

This guy wants a Jetta SO BAD that he's willing to take every humiliating, menial, and downright dangerous job he can find in order to raise the thousands of dollars in nickles and dimes needed to purchase one. At this point, you kind of have to wonder where this guy managed to miss Economics 101. I mean, look- unless you think that the Horatio Alger books somehow reflect real life, most ADULTS have come to a general understanding that no matter how many Lower than Minimum Wage jobs you agree to take, the costs involved in getting to those jobs, and the hours you waste at them, don't add up to a whole hell of a lot when it comes to cash. It's a zero sum game, unless you are trying to raise money for that Avatar DVD or a regular lunch from McDonald's Dollar Menu.

Our hero is on the verge of washing someone's car when he suddenly realizes that the Automobile of his Dreams ( I don't dream of automobiles, btw; not even when I'm taking a break from dreaming of smiting my enemies, which I really don't do at all, at least, not very often...) is only $15,995. Wow, thank goodness he saw that enormous poster, because if he didn't, this might have all turned out like that O.Henry short story, where the woman and her husband spend twenty years slaving away to earn the money they spent replacing a necklace made of paste. Actually, that would have been kind of funny.

Here's the awesome punchline- this guy buys not one, but TWO Volkswagen Jettas, which conveniently go well with (presumably previously car-less) two car garage, which is located in what looks to be a rather substantial suburb.

So this guy owns a house. With a two-car garage. In the suburbs.

And his dream was to buy a Jetta, which he apparently assumed must cost a huge amount of money; I mean, just check out how superawesomeamazing it is.

And realizing that he could afford to buy one without further humiliating himself, he bought two.

I have two questions: First- when he wanted to buy that house, how many part-time jobs did he take on top of his regular gig before he learned about these mysterious things called "Mortgages?"

Second- are we to presume that the jobs he is shown doing in this commercial actually netted him $32,000 in a reasonably short amount of time? If so, where do I sign up? Maybe I have this economics thing all wrong. I could dress like a hot dog if you give me a chance, I KNOW I could!