Get this kid out of my face, please

Here's a commercial where the Precocious Little Prick theme is brought to a whole new level.

This kid is too good for the Family's Lame-Mobile, and he knows it. As he struts around his suburban neighborhood his parents work to keep him in, wearing the faux-leather jacket his parents caved and bought him so they wouldn't look "lame" in his eyes for a few minutes, this insufferable little ass spits all over their efforts because gosh darn it they drive this REALLY Out-of-It car. I mean, don't you just hate parents who don't get that their kids have reps to keep up?

Anyway, this needs-to-be-beaten-and-I-mean-right-now knothead with blond curls finds a solution- to hang with "Mrs K," who isn't a blood relative but at least has a sweet ride worthy of this pathetic little snot. Someday, his own parental units might realize the damage they are doing to their insufferable little snot-spawn's social life by chauffeuring him around in something way beneath his standards, but until then, he'll be letting the next door neighbor do the honors.

Who does this ad appeal to? Pre-pubescent boys with $40 G's burning holes in their pockets? Parents who are deeply concerned that their children "don't approve" of their cars? Parents who, having given their children all the cell phones and video game systems and plasma HD televisions they've asked for STILL don't feel sufficiently "loved" by their little darlings, are more than willing to rush out and buy a new car if that will FINALLY convince their children to take "My Parents Suck" off their Facebook walls?

And here are two pieces of really bad news concerning this ad:

1. The kid in this ad has three names. Child actors with three names mean one thing: Mommy's Little Meal Ticket. This kid is being groomed for stuff beyond commercials. Get ready for The Riley Thomas Stewart Experience , coming soon to The Disney Channel.

2. This commercial is just one of a series. So if you thought the surly kids from the Kraft Mac 'N Cheese ads of this summer were obnoxious, wait till you see the spoiled little dicktards Highlander has lined up to sell us their latest gas-guzzling planet-destroyer. It's going to be a long, painful ride.

Oh, we know how it all turns out, all right

Here's another movie trailer that serves the rather welcome purpose of not only letting us know what the featured film is about, but how the story is going to unfold, what the major conflict is, what the moral is, and how it's going to end.

In short, another movie trailer which basically admits that Americans don't go to the movies to actually watch stories present themselves, unfold, and reach a satisfying conclusion anymore. They go because it's Something to Do on Saturday Night That Doesn't Involve Talking to People, and because it's another place to really annoy people by using your cell phone.

To sum up: Rachel McAdams plays the Career-Driven Go-Getter who Ultimately Loses Track of What's Really Important (which, for a woman, is enjoying life and falling in love. Being a Career-Driven Go-Getter? That's a no-no unless you are a guy. It's usually a no-no if you are a guy, too, by the way. Kind of helps explain why we don't make anything except stadiums and reality tv shows in this country anymore.)

Harrison Ford plays the scruffy, cynical, war-weary tv veteran who acts like a self-centered ass but who Nevertheless Has An Important Message to Impart Near the Tail End of the Film. Diane Keaton plays Diane Keaton, just as she has for the past forty years. Nothing about Diane Keaton ever changes- not her character portrayals, not her hairstyle, not even her fricking eyeglasses. She's a female version of Jack Nicholson- there to play herself. And collect a paycheck.

In the end, Rachel McAdams Learns the Very Important Lesson from Harrison Ford. The lesson is Love a Person, Like Your Work, Don't Make The Same Mistake And End Up Regretting The Path You Took Blah Blah Blah Condescending Manipulative Sexist Tripe Which Leads to Blossoming Self-Awareness Which Leads to Tearful Embrace Roll Credits.

I picked this up watching the 20-second version of this trailer. This two-minute plus version is like the Cliff Notes for this stunningly predictable pile of Reminding Women That They Are Not Men crud. No way anyone actually walks into the theater wondering how it all turns out even if they didn't see the trailer at all- I mean, come on, they even tell you it's from the makers of The Devil Wears Prada- what do you need, a punch upside the head?

This film is released every single year- sometimes multiple times a year- under different names. Was this idea EVER fresh? Because in 2010, it's literally blue with mold, stale as last year's doughnut, a plateful of nutrition-free sludge which just screams "Been There, Seen That."

Needless to say, I didn't actually go to the theater to see this 90-minute serving of warmed-over pablum. Am I way off on my plot summary? Doesn't really matter- after all, it's the trailer I'm mocking, and the only message it sent me was "Nothing to See here that you haven't seen many, many times already. Move along now."

There's a little disgusting, clueless poser in all of us

This is so weak, so insulting, so infuriating, so just plain WRONG that it's almost unsnarkable. The idea of a collection of fat, middle-aged secretaries, office jockeys, Not-Even-Weekend-Warriors, and Kobe Bryant playing soldier is simply rank.

"There's a little soldier in all of us?" Not enough to get us down to the recruitment office, clearly. But enough to inspire us to buy some disgusting, "War is so SuperAwesomeAmazing OMIGOD it's all about killing people and walking away without a scratch LOL" video game and pretend to be "heroes" by blowing digital "enemies" off of rooftops using plastic guns and controllers. Ugh.

I know real veterans, of real wars. Thankfully, there was more than "a little soldier" in these guys. There was enough soldier to get them to sign on the dotted line and go off and actually put themselves in harm's way- in real life, where the bad guys shoot back, and there's no Reset or Save buttons.

Know what these guys all tell me? That good old Bill Sherman was right when he said "War is Hell." That's HELL- not Fun, not Cool, not something you engage in because you are bored and your pathetic little lives are so devoid of meaning that you get some kind of sick thrill by playing Soldier in your darkened living room. So, Fat Secretary? If you are going to play soldier, do us a favor and take the "I Support the Troops" bumper sticker off your Rav 4. Because you don't know what being a soldier is. Kobe? Cut the fucking crap, and cut a check to the nearest VA hospital. No, it won't be as fun as blasting High-def images off your flat screen, but at least you'd be accomplishing something besides being an even bigger, more clueless ass than you already are.

Hey Gamers- if you really think there's "a little soldier in you," how about huffing and puffing your sorry asses down to the recruitment center? See how much "fun" you find actual combat. Quick warning- you might get your hair mussed a bit. And again- the guys you shoot at will be shooting back at you- with real ammo.

Meanwhile, cut the War is Fun bullshit, ok? It's a massive insult to the real heroes, who are putting their lives on the line on the other side of the planet so you can play Soldier in your basement. God what contemptible trash you are.

Men Are Helpless, Part 380,146

A few questions:

If Dave and Mandy are going on vacation together, why would they be searching individually online for resorts, etc? Isn't this something couples generally do together?

Is the narrator telling us that Dave stayed up all night searching websites that he actually missed the flight, so Mandy went on vacation by herself? Does this really happen?

The narrator tells us that Dave "misses flights." That's plural. So Dave REGULARLY obsesses over travel websites all night, including the nights before they are scheduled to leave? This makes no sense- what is he looking for online if the tickets are booked already?

Or are we being told that Dave stayed up all night searching websites and was never told that his girlfriend had found the perfect vacation- so she went without him? Is that it?

Is the message of this commercial really that if you don't just assume that your girlfriend is 100 percent smarter than you are and should just be allowed to make all the travel arrangements, she's going to dump you for some local she meets while on vacation by herself, or while you are asleep back at the hotel?

The company being advertised is called Kayak.com. Why don't I see any kayaks in this ad?

I mean, what the hell?

If the guy in the car said "No, I'm actually getting bored of games, I'm reading a book," I think his friend's head would have exploded

It's not that these two pathetic losers are exchanging "no MY life is less meaningful than yours is" barbs while discussing their shared obsession with a video game. It's not that these two alleged GROWN-UPS seem determined to establish who the Alpha Male here is based on the number of two-dimensional images they've managed to "eliminate" from the comfort of their overstuffed couches while sitting on their overstuffed asses back at home.

It's not even the "funny" situation that unfolds during the sad verbal smackdown after the guy in the car admits that he actually drove to Wal Mart at midnight to make sure he got himself a copy of the lastest Have to Have Even Though You Haven't been a Teen-Ager in a Decade video game. (Someone, PLEASE, do an intervention with this guy. To say he and his friends need LIVES is the understatement of the year.)

It's the fact that we never do find out why this guy was pulled over on his way home from the store with his precious little toy. Which allows me to hypothesize that the poor fat choad, realizing while on line that he had left his VISA card at home, snapped and left a bloody mess where Debby the Drained of All Life cashier and Robert the 80-Year Old Greeter used to be. Having committed multiple homicides, Our Hero, all sense of right and wrong drained out of him by years of Grand Theft Auto and Halo marathons, casually sauntered out of the store and into his Special Edition Black Ops Jeep (separate post on this monstrosity coming later.)

And now the local police, backed up by the Feds, have nabbed the psycho, who will be headline news tomorrow. Once again he's beaten his nemesis on the other end of the phone, who never managed celebrity beyond a surprise appearance on To Catch A Predator. And really, showing up your "friends" is really all that matters in life, right?

What is it with you "Gamers," anyway? I played video games when I was a KID- back when I was in HIGH SCHOOL. Games like Atari Bowling and Space Invaders. At some point- around the time I went to college- I discovered girls, interesting classes, girls, running, girls, hiking, girls, swimming, and girls. I left sitting in my living room pretending to do something while my brain turned to play-dough back where it belonged- in my CHILDHOOD. Somewhere along the line, "Gaming" became a way of life for a rather large population of witless slackers, along with Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Football, which primarily to serve the fantasy that those who engage in such activities have a life which is more than Fantasy (you know, kind of like having 8500 "Facebook Friends" but no one to ask to the movies next Saturday night.)

Sorry to disturb you though- please, get back to your virtual worlds, where there are virtual people to virtually kill. But when you find yourself in the parking lot at Wal Mart at midnight with a plastic bag containing the latest Kill Everything video game, take a moment for self-reflection. If you've got any ability to look within left, I don't think you'll like what you see.

(Why DID this guy get pulled over, anyway?)

I'd switch, but I hate that stupid lizard even more

Full Disclosure: State Farm is my insurance company, and I've never had any serious complaints about their service. Whenever I have invested fifteen minutes to check out Geico I've been offered very uncompetitive deals and passed. My premiums are very reasonable, and when I got hit by an uninsured drunk driver some years back, State Farm took care of me.

All that being sad, this is a disgustingly clueless, insulting pile of steaming crud disguised as an ad for renter's insurance. First, when a baseball comes through the window of this guy's apartment his first thought isn't to quickly look outside to see who did it- you know, like any normal, functioning human being would. He doesn't even make the first effort to clean up the broken glass. No, it's all about contacting State Farm, and quickly.

Time out. We know this is an apartment in a rather substantial building, because "the girl from 4G" is about to be summoned (more about this later.) Would this guy's insurance company really be responsible for replacing the broken pane of glass? Even if the apartment management office didn't automatically take responsibility, how freaking low is this guy's deductible, that he's thinking State Farm is going to pay for this damage?

Ok, back to the commercial, because here's where it gets really really bad..

One of the renter's friends tries out the jingle by asking for a sandwich, which magically appears. Inspired, the renter requests that "the girl from 4G" is whisked away from her private surroundings to decorate his hovel. She appears, and seems not the least bit concerned that she's now apparently at the mercy of this doofus and his equally weird and worthless friends. Then, in what is (not surprisingly) a Howl Out Loud LOL moment to the knuckle-dragging glue-sniffers over at YouTube, one guy yells "And can I get me a Hot Tub?!" Of course, that magically appears too (creating more damage for the State Farm Agent to deal with.)

Assuming that this guy hasn't been harboring fantasies of getting his male friends into a hot tub, I think it's safe to infer that the tub is part of the "girl from 4G" plot point. Nice for her- not only is she transported against her will to an apartment full of half-witted, power-crazed jackasses who don't know what her name is, but the guys she finds herself with are now taking it for granted that she'll happily strip and climb into a tub with them. Not a lot of respect for female customers over there at State Farm, is there?

I'm not going to dump State Farm over this ad, not only because I get the best deal from them but also because EVERY substantial insurance company seems to be spending a lot of their customer's premiums to produce mind-numbingly stupid commercials. But I am more than a little irritated that my money played even a small role in the creation of this junk.

A little bit of everything except respect for our intelligence

1. Washed-Up Character Actor from the 1980s- Check.

2. Crowd of twentysomething jackanapes so ungrateful at having a job in an era of near-10 percent unemployment (adjusted to 17% when factoring in the people who have just given up) that they are willing to steal their employer's money by slacking off shamelessly- Check.

3. Sexist imagery (in this case, pompoms appearing from nowhere to be waved by the female coworkers)- Check.

4. Stern, grey-haired MALE boss asserting his position as Bull of the Herd by barking "JOHNSON!" (has anyone out there ever worked at an office in which the boss refers to you by your last name, with no prefix? Anyone?) -- Check.

5. Stern, grey-haired MALE boss congratulating Chief Slacker for coming up with a way to rob the business of productive work from it's employees, who are presumably being paid to work Sundays- Check.

6. Mindless cheering at male boss's stunningly predictable response to seeing his entire staff blowing off work for The Big Game (why do they "have" to work Sunday, anyway? If the work was so important, why is this slacking off even possible? I mean, what the heck?) --Check.

What kind of fantasy world is this, anyway? Why does the office have to be open on Sunday? What kind of coworker would risk his job setting up a projector to watch a football game when he's supposed to be working? What kind of coworker would practically GUARANTEE his dismissal by bringing beer into the office during working hours? What kind of boss would buy into this for a BUD LITE??

Most importantly (if the word "important" could ever really be used to describe anything that appears on this blog,) how can this ad sit well with the mass of unemployed or underemployed citizens previously mentioned? Here's a crowd of gainfully employed, good looking young people perfectly willing to risk dismissal rather than put in a few hours on a Sunday- and getting away with it. Great message, Budweiser. I'll remember it this Sunday, when I'm picking up a few extra dollars reading an SAT to a student instead of watching football.

But no, I won't be smuggling a television or a six-pack into the school to make the task more pleasant. Go figure.