Oh, NOW I don't know what's going on!

What I like about this commercial is that it's makers show real respect for their product's potential buyers. I mean, it's so chock-full of information concerning what the Turbo Boost Intel Whatsit does, how much it costs, and why we need it, I had a hard time not calling in sick from school so I could rush off to BestBuy and grab a....um, computer, I guess...for myself.

Ok, ok, enough snark. Obviously I'm not in the targeted demographic- 11 year-olds in the market for a new computer with superfast technology who are swayed by the marketing power of the penguins from Madagascar VII: The Milking Continues. You know, the 11 year-olds who have been handed several thousand dollars by their parents and told "I'm too busy, go out and make your own technology purchase decisions."

Ok, I'll be serious now, I mean it. What the hell is this? I don't know about you, but there are three common commercial gags that have never, EVER convinced me to buy a product:

1. Using children as pitchmen.
2. The appearance of Not Funny So Grow The Hell Up And Stop Trying To Convince Us They Are chimps.
3. Cartoons.

Here's a better idea: tell us what the product does, why that's important, and why it will make my life less of a sad, empty shell than it currently is. Would that really be so hard?

Meet Five Guys who've never had a good seat during the Super Bowl

This is too easy.

First- are we really supposed to celebrate and admire a handful of five rich choads who have so much disposable income that they've attended every Super Bowl? They aren't football fans (I don't care what the tag line says.) Spending huge amounts of money to watch two teams you don't root for in the regular season doesn't make you a football fan. It makes you someone willing to blow a wad on yourself. Not the same thing.

Second- I love the guy who fondly runs through his pristine collection of old Super Bowl tickets- they aren't even in plastic cases, for christ's sake. Good for you, buddy, really. Each ticket represents god knows how many Thanksgiving dinners that could have been provided at your neighborhood food bank, if not for your idiot obsession with "the big game."

"Going to the SuperBowl is like Fourth of July and New Year's Day put together." Really? Only if those two holidays involve spending huge amounts of money on tickets and travel so you can sit in a crowd of 80,000 strangers watching what looks like ants wearing uniforms of Teams You Don't Root For In The Regular Season running up and down a field.

Third- "when I get that ticket in my hands, and I realize I'm going again..." seriously, I'm pulling for you, man. Especially now that the NFL has agreed to play the game in NYC in the very near future. I'm hoping for snow and a wind chill of -80 F.
After all, you and your buddies want the REAL football experience, right?

I salute all these guys, who have somehow managed to convince their families that a couple of grand on tickets, travel, and hotel rooms is a lovely tradition to continue just as the Christmas Visa bill shows up. Have a great time at the next sterile-atmosphere neutral-site Super Bowl, played indoors and on carpet, surrounded by corporate hacks armed with Tax-Deductible tickets who care about the actual teams playing just as much as you do. As usual, I'll be watching the game from the best seat in the house, which happens to be the couch in MY house.

I won't miss a single play. You'll miss plenty. But hey, you get to brag on your "tradition" in a commercial for Visa. More power to you, idiots.

I can tell you that they don't make deer this tough in Vermont

Never mind the idiotic "pulling the spare car out of the trunk" gag. Decent visual, not all that interesting, and the only thought that came to mind during it was why the hell the nice-looking woman of uncertain ethnicity can't be bothered to lend a helping hand while the guy is struggling to extract an entire car from the remains of his old one. But, whatever.

I'm more interested in what exactly caused this wreck. We get a glance at a deer in the commercial's opening seconds, strongly implying that this little thing is somehow at least partially responsible. But obviously, there has been no collision, unless the animal is a refugee from Krypton or something. So what's the deal? The car isn't crumpled up against a huge rock or some other immovable object, it's just sitting there in the middle of the road. How did this happen?

Seriously, this is one mysterious commercial. How does a car end up completely totaled in the middle of the highway like that? And while we are at it, how fast was that car going, to create this level of damage? Neither of these people seem to have a scratch on them, or to be even the slightest bit upset or even disheveled. Of course, they DO have that spare, which I guess is such a perfect copy of the old car that it contains all of the luggage, CDs, etc that the trashed car did....

And they drive off and just leave their wreck in the middle of the highway? That's nice- leave a little surprise for the next young couple that comes cruising around the bend.

I know I think about all this just a bit too much, but I still want the back story. How DID that deer cause this accident? Because maybe I don't really need to know, but I'm sure the insurance adjuster would like an explanation. And I don't think she's going to buy the "we hit a deer" story.

Who wants to see this?

Is it really a good marketing strategy for a restaurant to make commercials which deprive the viewers of their appetites?

Seriously, this commercial isn't designed to make us hungry. It's more like a diet aid. Who the hell would be stimulated to run out and buy pork drowning in bbq sauce based on these stunningly unappealing images?

We start off with two unattractive weirdos with "we don't know how to act- is this what 'I'm in love' looks like?" expressions ultimately attacking these disgusting sandwiches. And it's all downhill from there, as we move from one slob after another finding emotional fulfillment in jamming this junk into their faces, naturally leaving blobs of greasy, oily crud behind to be slopped up with napkins (or, more typically, fingers.) Uck.

The only saving grace is that it's over quickly, and these ugly pigs get the hell off my screen before my stomach has completely flipped. Oh, and that for some mysterious but welcome reason, McDonald's refuses to put the McRib on it's permanent menu, so we only have to deal with this garbage every couple of years or so. But for the next few weeks, big screens and HDTV are not our friends.

Get this kid out of my face, please

Here's a commercial where the Precocious Little Prick theme is brought to a whole new level.

This kid is too good for the Family's Lame-Mobile, and he knows it. As he struts around his suburban neighborhood his parents work to keep him in, wearing the faux-leather jacket his parents caved and bought him so they wouldn't look "lame" in his eyes for a few minutes, this insufferable little ass spits all over their efforts because gosh darn it they drive this REALLY Out-of-It car. I mean, don't you just hate parents who don't get that their kids have reps to keep up?

Anyway, this needs-to-be-beaten-and-I-mean-right-now knothead with blond curls finds a solution- to hang with "Mrs K," who isn't a blood relative but at least has a sweet ride worthy of this pathetic little snot. Someday, his own parental units might realize the damage they are doing to their insufferable little snot-spawn's social life by chauffeuring him around in something way beneath his standards, but until then, he'll be letting the next door neighbor do the honors.

Who does this ad appeal to? Pre-pubescent boys with $40 G's burning holes in their pockets? Parents who are deeply concerned that their children "don't approve" of their cars? Parents who, having given their children all the cell phones and video game systems and plasma HD televisions they've asked for STILL don't feel sufficiently "loved" by their little darlings, are more than willing to rush out and buy a new car if that will FINALLY convince their children to take "My Parents Suck" off their Facebook walls?

And here are two pieces of really bad news concerning this ad:

1. The kid in this ad has three names. Child actors with three names mean one thing: Mommy's Little Meal Ticket. This kid is being groomed for stuff beyond commercials. Get ready for The Riley Thomas Stewart Experience , coming soon to The Disney Channel.

2. This commercial is just one of a series. So if you thought the surly kids from the Kraft Mac 'N Cheese ads of this summer were obnoxious, wait till you see the spoiled little dicktards Highlander has lined up to sell us their latest gas-guzzling planet-destroyer. It's going to be a long, painful ride.

Oh, we know how it all turns out, all right

Here's another movie trailer that serves the rather welcome purpose of not only letting us know what the featured film is about, but how the story is going to unfold, what the major conflict is, what the moral is, and how it's going to end.

In short, another movie trailer which basically admits that Americans don't go to the movies to actually watch stories present themselves, unfold, and reach a satisfying conclusion anymore. They go because it's Something to Do on Saturday Night That Doesn't Involve Talking to People, and because it's another place to really annoy people by using your cell phone.

To sum up: Rachel McAdams plays the Career-Driven Go-Getter who Ultimately Loses Track of What's Really Important (which, for a woman, is enjoying life and falling in love. Being a Career-Driven Go-Getter? That's a no-no unless you are a guy. It's usually a no-no if you are a guy, too, by the way. Kind of helps explain why we don't make anything except stadiums and reality tv shows in this country anymore.)

Harrison Ford plays the scruffy, cynical, war-weary tv veteran who acts like a self-centered ass but who Nevertheless Has An Important Message to Impart Near the Tail End of the Film. Diane Keaton plays Diane Keaton, just as she has for the past forty years. Nothing about Diane Keaton ever changes- not her character portrayals, not her hairstyle, not even her fricking eyeglasses. She's a female version of Jack Nicholson- there to play herself. And collect a paycheck.

In the end, Rachel McAdams Learns the Very Important Lesson from Harrison Ford. The lesson is Love a Person, Like Your Work, Don't Make The Same Mistake And End Up Regretting The Path You Took Blah Blah Blah Condescending Manipulative Sexist Tripe Which Leads to Blossoming Self-Awareness Which Leads to Tearful Embrace Roll Credits.

I picked this up watching the 20-second version of this trailer. This two-minute plus version is like the Cliff Notes for this stunningly predictable pile of Reminding Women That They Are Not Men crud. No way anyone actually walks into the theater wondering how it all turns out even if they didn't see the trailer at all- I mean, come on, they even tell you it's from the makers of The Devil Wears Prada- what do you need, a punch upside the head?

This film is released every single year- sometimes multiple times a year- under different names. Was this idea EVER fresh? Because in 2010, it's literally blue with mold, stale as last year's doughnut, a plateful of nutrition-free sludge which just screams "Been There, Seen That."

Needless to say, I didn't actually go to the theater to see this 90-minute serving of warmed-over pablum. Am I way off on my plot summary? Doesn't really matter- after all, it's the trailer I'm mocking, and the only message it sent me was "Nothing to See here that you haven't seen many, many times already. Move along now."

There's a little disgusting, clueless poser in all of us

This is so weak, so insulting, so infuriating, so just plain WRONG that it's almost unsnarkable. The idea of a collection of fat, middle-aged secretaries, office jockeys, Not-Even-Weekend-Warriors, and Kobe Bryant playing soldier is simply rank.

"There's a little soldier in all of us?" Not enough to get us down to the recruitment office, clearly. But enough to inspire us to buy some disgusting, "War is so SuperAwesomeAmazing OMIGOD it's all about killing people and walking away without a scratch LOL" video game and pretend to be "heroes" by blowing digital "enemies" off of rooftops using plastic guns and controllers. Ugh.

I know real veterans, of real wars. Thankfully, there was more than "a little soldier" in these guys. There was enough soldier to get them to sign on the dotted line and go off and actually put themselves in harm's way- in real life, where the bad guys shoot back, and there's no Reset or Save buttons.

Know what these guys all tell me? That good old Bill Sherman was right when he said "War is Hell." That's HELL- not Fun, not Cool, not something you engage in because you are bored and your pathetic little lives are so devoid of meaning that you get some kind of sick thrill by playing Soldier in your darkened living room. So, Fat Secretary? If you are going to play soldier, do us a favor and take the "I Support the Troops" bumper sticker off your Rav 4. Because you don't know what being a soldier is. Kobe? Cut the fucking crap, and cut a check to the nearest VA hospital. No, it won't be as fun as blasting High-def images off your flat screen, but at least you'd be accomplishing something besides being an even bigger, more clueless ass than you already are.

Hey Gamers- if you really think there's "a little soldier in you," how about huffing and puffing your sorry asses down to the recruitment center? See how much "fun" you find actual combat. Quick warning- you might get your hair mussed a bit. And again- the guys you shoot at will be shooting back at you- with real ammo.

Meanwhile, cut the War is Fun bullshit, ok? It's a massive insult to the real heroes, who are putting their lives on the line on the other side of the planet so you can play Soldier in your basement. God what contemptible trash you are.