Here's an idea- give your pie hole a rest, especially while driving. That will save money, too.

Here's a nice collection of clueless jackasses who spent years getting screwed by their phone companies but now think that they are qualified to tell me what service I should be using.

Wait- let me rephrase that. Here's a nice collection of clueless jackasses with very, very limited vocabularies trying to sell me that message. Because seriously- you are going to have to do a lot better than "HUGE, ENORMOUS BILL" bleated in a Middle Eastern accent to get me to switch-- how about telling me what those words mean? What's a "HUGE, ENORMOUS bill," anyway? $100? $200? It seems likely that the bill was considerably more than usual- or these people just woke up one day and decided "gee, maybe I shouldn't be handing my retirement account to my phone company." Either way, why should I pay attention?

And you are also going to have to a lot better than posing people in front of mountains of crumbled up paper. I mean, good for you if you are saving money now- but again, what took you so long?

Oh, and having one of these people hand me a grunt/snarl when she recollects how incredibly long it took for her to put two and two together and realize that she was paying too much- that doesn't work, either.

Because the only message I really get out of this ad is that there are a lot of really, really stupid people out there who had no problem overpaying for phone service but now, like druggies who have Discovered Jesus, feel empowered to preach to the rest of us about saving money. These guys aren't quite as obnoxious as the people who mug us with "Have You Looked At YOUR Bill yet?" in other ads, but pretty damned close.

Hey, Vonage losers- just because you overpaid, doesn't mean the rest of us aren't a LITTLE BIT smarter with OUR money. So take your sad little stories of personal awakening, cram them, and throw them into that pile behind you, ok?

Remember this when your request for a new stapler is denied

The copying machine- the only one your school owns- is on the fritz, again. The service guy is on his way, but it may be a while. And the repair job will only keep the copier functioning for a few weeks, tops, before it breaks down again.

Sorry, we're out of transparency paper. You know how much that stuff costs? Just pass the photo or graphic around the room.

At the beginning of the school year, each teacher will receive a set of whiteboard markers. DO NOT LEAVE THESE MARKERS IN THE CLASSROOM. DO NOT LET THE STUDENTS USE THESE MARKERS. If you need replacement markers, please let (----) know. If teachers request too many replacement markers, we must assume that these instructions are not being followed, and teachers will be required to supply their own.

Sent home to parents: a list of items each student should bring to school on the first day, including two boxes of facial tissues for the classroom.

"The Advanced Placement History books currently used by your class include a concluding paragraph covering the 9/11 terrorist attacks- therefore, they are sufficiently up to date. We can't afford new textbooks this year."

"We agree that a trip to Harper's Ferry would be the perfect way to conclude the year for the United States History I class; however, the bus fee is not within our field trip budget constraints."

Meanwhile, the incredibly irritating narrator with the grating sing-song voice is celebrating the fact that in a school somewhere across town some kid is using CISCO's SmartBoard technology to engage in a staring contest with a kid on the other side of the fucking planet. Probably because the Field Trip to China has been delayed until Ellen Page shows up.

Warms the heart, doesn't it?

Because Reading just cuts way too much into my surfing time

The YouTube description of this ad reads "a modern retelling (of the Herman Melville Classic "Moby Dick....")

You know, it's bad enough that cellphones are turning us into a nation of drooling illiterates. If you don't want to read, fine. If you want to burn your eyes out of your head staring at a screen, that's fine too. And if you want to spend every free moment of your day fiddling around pointlessly searching for images, videos, etc and sharing them with your equally stupid friends, go for it.

But don't do all that and pretend that you are are engaged in a "retelling" of an American Classic, ok? Unless you think that "Moby Dick" is a story about a ship that travels to the other side of the planet to kill a whale (to the accompaniment of Moby- yes, I get it- not especially clever- and insightful comments like "Ahoy there!" and "Take a picture!") and not about obsession and man's innate need to connect with and understand the universe he finds himself in, this is NOT a retelling of Moby Dick, any more than Disney's Pocahantas was a retelling of the story of Jamestown.

You can make yourself literate by putting in the time required to consume the classics. I'm not a Melville fan- I thought Billy Budd was torture- but I'm not going to stick a DVD of Moby Dick starring Gregory Peck into the player and a few hours later tell myself that I've experienced his signature work. And fucking around with your phone for a few minutes isn't going to make up for that AP Lit class you didn't take in High School, ok?

So make a decision. Be a clueless dumbass who can't walk and chew gum at the same time, but knows how to surf the web on his phone like nobody's business, or put the Short Cut to the Cartoon Version of Life away and pick up a book. See if those synapses are still firing, or have become atrophied with disuse. And don't worry- if it turns out that your brain can no longer absorb complex literary concepts, you can always just say "fuck it" and go back to playing Angry Birds.

eTrade's latest gift to the glue-sniffers who have no idea what stocks are

Let me see if I get this straight: The eTrade babies:

1. Take the Red Eye to and from Bachelor Parties

2. Own Laptops and I Phones with E-trade Apps.

3. Are interested in watching animals have sex (this one REALLY confuses me- so they are infants with the financial sense of adults, and the sexual curiosity of preteens?)

4. Have baby girlfriends ("milkaholics?" Seriously, eTrade? And you want me to trust you with my money?)

Actually, of course, there's only one thing to get straight here: The only thing eTrade is interested in is appealing to the crude lowest common denominator. I simply do not believe that the people who are actual potential customers for this "service" are the SAME people who find these ads even remotely amusing.

So what is happening here? My guess- the population of people out there who use "services" like eTrade smirk and nod at these incredibly stupid, insulting piles of steaming dreck, taking no message from the commercials other than "well, this is what you have to do these days to remind people that you're out there. Whatever."

Meanwhile, a larger population of people who don't have the slightest idea what these babies are talking about (when they are talking about trades) enjoy yukking it up over the OMIGOD SO FUNNY babies and the OMIGOD SO CLEVER things they are saying. That larger population is made up of exceptionally stupid people who really need to grow the hell up. Need to, but won't- because drifting in the warm Sea of Arrested Development is so much more pleasant, not to mention LOL CHECK OUT THAT NEW SHINY THING ROTFLMAO!!

I'll give eTrade this much: It's not often that a company is willing to spend money creating ads targeted at people who will never, ever seek out the service being advertised. But I still have to ask- why babies? Why not monkeys? They can be made to say HILARIOUS things, too. Why not penguins- they are really hot right now. Or geckos- oh wait, I forgot. They are already taken.

But I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now

Boy, was I stupid when I was a kid. I used to jump off of bridges into unfamiliar rivers, just because I saw some local kids doing it. I used to ride my bike down dirt roads and attempt jumps, and never ever wore a helmet. I used to ride my Honda 70 in circles through high fields of grass without a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, etc.

Sometimes me and my friends would sneak into the Drive-In during a movie and scrounge for soda and beer cans for the five cent deposit. When we went to the theater, we'd always smuggle candy in. When I was sixteen I rolled my grandfather's Volkswagen because I was driving too fast.

I'm so glad those days are over, and now I'm a boring, old, gone-to-seed, obsessed-with-my-heart-health adult who gets his thrills staring at sunsets and riding my bike 2.5 MPH (while equipped with a helmet and knee and ankle pads, of course.) Nowadays I let my students take the risks- like the time I talked that girl into climbing on Jefferson's Rock at Harper's Ferry, strictly against park rules but the only way to get a really good view. I'm sure she deeply regrets taking that risk- or will later, when she's a boring old adult like me.

Yep, thank G-d that those days of taking stupid risks are over. Nothing but skinless chicken, fat-free yogurt, and driving 40 MPH in the center lane for me, from now on. And since life without risks is So Worth Living, I'm going to trust my heart to Lipitor.

Because when every day is risk-free and predictable, you want the days to keep coming. Right?

It's the end of the world as we know it

I was on the Red Line yesterday, finishing up a very nice day spent walking into Washington DC from the Maryland suburbs and then visiting the museum of American Art and the American History Museum. Because it was a day ending in the letter "y," the trains were running painfully slowly, sharing tracks, etc. etc. ETC.

So after almost 15 minutes of waiting on a cold platform, the train shows up. It's crowded, but I've seen worse. I get aboard and I find a place to stand (I never sit on the train, ever. Maybe it's a phobia. Maybe it's because I think I'll fall asleep and miss my stop. Maybe I just like to burn calories when I can.)

A guy standing five feet from me is listening to an I-Pod, using those stupid earbuds which I think were created to make it easier for the people around you to detect your taste in music, and to enjoy it (or not) along with you. He might as well have been using no headphones at all. I walked to the other end of the car to get away from the "music," and instead spent the rest of the 12-minute ride listening to a 13-year old kid carry on a conversation with someone on his cell phone and trying to stuff the term "motherfucker" into each sentence as many times as possible. (Children are our future, but there are some glaringly obvious exceptions to the rule.)

Where am I going with all this? Oh yeah- this commercial. Please tell me what kind of OBNOXIOUS, SELFISH ASSHAT needs a phone with SURROUND SOUND?? Hey AT&T- despite your best efforts, some of us are STILL TRYING TO LIVE IN A SOCIETY HERE!!! I know that in all these "connectivity" commercials, headphones are a no-no, as you and your ilk attempt to create a world in which wall-to-wall noise is the norm (along with the complete banishing of the concept of privacy and personal space) but a CELL PHONE WITH SURROUND SOUND??

Why do you hate us so much, AT&T? Is this about that government-ordered breakup forty years ago? Because believe me, if it were possible, there are some of us who would gladly go back in time and warn the government to keep it's hands off of Ma Bell. After all, back in the evil days of the Phone Monopoly, all we had to deal with was huge, heavy, clunky, ugly phones and overpriced, poor service. These pale in comparison to the evils inflicted upon us by the Pandora's Box of Competition- video cameras, internet connectivity, and the creation of a generation of brain-dead half-wits who simply cannot function without their electronic best friends. But at least until now, the dwindling number of us people who are Just Trying To Have a Society Here could just shake our heads and ignore these dim bulbs (at least, when they weren't cutting us off in traffic or carrying on conversations everywhere and anywhere, "Ruling the Air," as it were.)

It's only a matter of time now before we have people and their competing Personal Stereo Systems blasting us out of trains, libraries, bookstores, parks, theaters, etc thanks to this amazing new breakthrough in Surround Sound Technology. Thanks a lot, AT&T, for making me nostalgic for the days of Annoying Ring Tones.

PS- you're going to burn in hell for this, you know. Hope the memory of having lots of money during that eyeblink you were on Earth makes the eternity of pain and suffering worth it.

An Open Letter to the Miller Brewing Company

I know you want to sell beer. I know that you beer companies ran out of fresh ideas on HOW to sell bear roughly thirty years ago. And I know that times are tough, and no doubt your CEOs have passed down the word that actual "writers" are not to be hired when creating scripts for your ads.

And yes, I realize that these ads don't include beer-crazed lunatics who live in houses made entirely of full cans. I realize that they don't involve guys bungee-jumping to steal beer, assholes asking questions of long-retired NFL coaches, or guys disdaining sex in favor of appreciating beer cases with "windows" and color-changing cans.

But still- the Hot Bartender with Zero Social Skills bit has gotten really, really old. First, bartenders simply don't ask questions like "do you want a beer that tastes great or like shit?" Second, last time I checked, bartenders didn't pimp one brand exclusively while angrily dismissing all others. Third, I don't care HOW hot the bartender is- these people work almost exclusively on tips, and it's kind of hard to get tips from people you've openly mocked for the hideous crime of not knowing what brand of light beer they want.

I mean, come on. It's one thing for the bartender to helpfully suggest a Miller Lite when the customer doesn't have a clue. It's another thing ENTIRELY for the bartender to openly question the customer's manhood, style of dress, or relationship with his mother. Yes, I am sure that there are a lot of people out there who think these bartenders are being funny. Those people are called morons, and they have my contempt, and they richly deserve it. (And if they think this situation would be funny in real life, they are used to being the object of contempt.)

So please, enough. What these bartenders are doing to their customers is stupid, and demeaning, and insulting to my intelligence (not insulting to the intelligence of YouTube bottom-feeders, because it's hard to insult what simply isn't there.) I want to see more Bartender Makes Customer Look Stupid Because He Answered Question Incorrectly ads about as much as I want to see a return of Punch Dub Days.

But all is forgiven if this horrid ad campaign raps up with a Superbowl Commercial featuring an insulted customer who snaps and torches the bar, leaving the offending bartender to go back to her old job pole-dancing. That might even be worth an LOL on YouTube's comment thread.

Come on, Miller. I dare you. Man Up!!

(BTW, please note that for the hil-ARIOUS punchline to be set up, the guy in the "skinny jeans" has to ask "is the score still 30-32?" Nobody talks like that- unless, of course, he's required to to set up a stupid closing "joke." Another fail, Miller Lite.)