Does Anybody Actually Work Anymore?

It must be so great for our huge population of unemployed and underemployed citizens to watch one commercial after another featuring people sitting in big offices searching for new ways to avoid doing anything to actually earn their paychecks.

This time, we've got a pretty decent crowd of slackers who have decided that lunch break didn't quite cut it, and it's time for an impromptu taco party- because while Americans are the World's Most Productive, Most Innovative Workers (I heard this on Fox and in the State of the Union Address, so you know it's true,) hey, tacos are tacos. Naturally, everybody learned about the taco party through an email sent to their cell phones (I'm not sure why this is morally superior to using interoffice memos- ok, so you aren't stealing company material, just company time?)

One ugly dick who for some reason strikes me as their boss (I don't know why) gets his panties in a wad because he thinks his employees are snubbing him. You see, he's got some lame-ass phone, which was probably state of the art way back in November but is now So Very Yesterday that it took him an extra two and a half minutes to get the Taco Party memo (and get this: it's not just that the employees are told of a taco party. The announcement has to include cute graphics. Is there an App for that? Or is this still MORE time stolen from the company?)

Suddenly exposed as technologically backwards rather than merely unpopular, Presumed Boss Guy- who just committed what used to be a horrible faux pas but nowadays is probably just par for the course in the age of Tweet Every Non-Thought that Pops into your Witless Skull- is reduced to an embarressed giggle and half-audible "yeah...." Too much to ask that he just APOLOGIZE for jumping to conclusions and- more grievously- upsetting workplace cohesion by creating a wall of tension between two employees. I mean, that just wouldn't be as "funny," would it?

Meanwhile, if television is being honest with me, there seems to be two very distinct groups of Americans. There's the group that is unemployed or underemployed- frustrated, angry, desperate. Then there's the group that collects a paycheck by sitting around offices watching ESPN.com, talking about vacations they are about to save big money on thanks to Priceline, setting up screens so they can watch The Big Game and drink beer, and eating tacos. When the second group gets bored, they head off to coffee shops and restaurants to talk about insurance and rag on fellow "employees" who are trying to save money by brown-bagging it. The two groups have one thing in common: Neither is doing any actual work.

I'd love to see a parody of these ads, in which the great mass of people sitting around offices dicking around gets thrown out on their collective butts, and their jobs are handed to the currently unemployed. Hey guys, the next Taco Party is scheduled for 1 PM. The location? The dumpster behind the local KFC/Taco Bell franchise.

Don't forget to invite that guy you called a creep.

Thanks for Asking, Taco Bell!

What next? I'm just chock-full of suggestions for you, young man!

1) Complain loudly to the restaurant management that someone has slipped you the food equivalent of a whoopie cushion- perhaps made by the same company that produces those ridiculously noisy Kit Kat Bars which also exist only on television.

2) Ask those pretty girls if they MIND if you continue to eat your dinner without having to feel awkward by their turning around every time you take a freaking bite. Given the ages of these customers, my guess is that this guy could blather away at high volume on his cell phone and get less reaction. I mean, this IS a fast-food joint, not a library, right?

3) Realize that those pretty girls can't hear your thought bubbles (we viewers should be so lucky.) They can't tell how cool and suave you are with the ladies, because while you are thinking these witty (in your mind) thoughts, they just see a dumbstruck doofus holding a pile of poison wrapped in empty carbs.

4) Along the same lines- stop looking at the girls you Know You'll Never Talk To, You Loser and start planning on how you are going to work off the fatty, salty, greasy crap you are shoveling into your body. I suggest a nice jog to the moon.

Or, just keep doing what you planned- sit there quietly, waiting for the pretty girls to leave, so they won't notice that you wet your pants when they actually acknowledged your existence for a moment. When you go home, change your pants, go online, and tell all your Facebook Friends about how you hit it off with these two awesome chicks you met at Taco Bell.

Then never go to that Taco Bell again, because you've been banned for the mess you left on the floor. Your arteries will thank you.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you- this pointless pile of crap was sitting on my head

Um, what?

Seriously- what the hell IS this? An unsupervised little brat (know what would really help here? PARENTS! What a concept!) trashes his toys right and left, but the toy car which is a perfect copy of the automobile being advertised stays scratch free- HUH? SO WHAT? What does this prove?

Not to mention, several things that his monster does with the car are completely harmless- pouring shampoo all over it? Letting slugs crawl on it? What toy would be damaged by these "punishing" acts? I mean, if the toy car was made in China, those slugs might be in danger of lead poisoning- but what could they do to the car?

"We put it through more than five thousand quality tests..." do these include having a giant kid step on it repeatedly, or throwing it into the jaws of a sixty-foot dog? No? THEN THIS IS A REALLY STUPID COMMERCIAL AND WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER, NISSAN?

Now, if I completely misread this ad, and it turns out that it's for Matchbox, I take back everything I just said and I must congratulate the company for continuing to make fine, rugged toys capable of handling anything a little kid who is obviously raising himself can throw at them.

Here's an idea- give your pie hole a rest, especially while driving. That will save money, too.

Here's a nice collection of clueless jackasses who spent years getting screwed by their phone companies but now think that they are qualified to tell me what service I should be using.

Wait- let me rephrase that. Here's a nice collection of clueless jackasses with very, very limited vocabularies trying to sell me that message. Because seriously- you are going to have to do a lot better than "HUGE, ENORMOUS BILL" bleated in a Middle Eastern accent to get me to switch-- how about telling me what those words mean? What's a "HUGE, ENORMOUS bill," anyway? $100? $200? It seems likely that the bill was considerably more than usual- or these people just woke up one day and decided "gee, maybe I shouldn't be handing my retirement account to my phone company." Either way, why should I pay attention?

And you are also going to have to a lot better than posing people in front of mountains of crumbled up paper. I mean, good for you if you are saving money now- but again, what took you so long?

Oh, and having one of these people hand me a grunt/snarl when she recollects how incredibly long it took for her to put two and two together and realize that she was paying too much- that doesn't work, either.

Because the only message I really get out of this ad is that there are a lot of really, really stupid people out there who had no problem overpaying for phone service but now, like druggies who have Discovered Jesus, feel empowered to preach to the rest of us about saving money. These guys aren't quite as obnoxious as the people who mug us with "Have You Looked At YOUR Bill yet?" in other ads, but pretty damned close.

Hey, Vonage losers- just because you overpaid, doesn't mean the rest of us aren't a LITTLE BIT smarter with OUR money. So take your sad little stories of personal awakening, cram them, and throw them into that pile behind you, ok?

Remember this when your request for a new stapler is denied

The copying machine- the only one your school owns- is on the fritz, again. The service guy is on his way, but it may be a while. And the repair job will only keep the copier functioning for a few weeks, tops, before it breaks down again.

Sorry, we're out of transparency paper. You know how much that stuff costs? Just pass the photo or graphic around the room.

At the beginning of the school year, each teacher will receive a set of whiteboard markers. DO NOT LEAVE THESE MARKERS IN THE CLASSROOM. DO NOT LET THE STUDENTS USE THESE MARKERS. If you need replacement markers, please let (----) know. If teachers request too many replacement markers, we must assume that these instructions are not being followed, and teachers will be required to supply their own.

Sent home to parents: a list of items each student should bring to school on the first day, including two boxes of facial tissues for the classroom.

"The Advanced Placement History books currently used by your class include a concluding paragraph covering the 9/11 terrorist attacks- therefore, they are sufficiently up to date. We can't afford new textbooks this year."

"We agree that a trip to Harper's Ferry would be the perfect way to conclude the year for the United States History I class; however, the bus fee is not within our field trip budget constraints."

Meanwhile, the incredibly irritating narrator with the grating sing-song voice is celebrating the fact that in a school somewhere across town some kid is using CISCO's SmartBoard technology to engage in a staring contest with a kid on the other side of the fucking planet. Probably because the Field Trip to China has been delayed until Ellen Page shows up.

Warms the heart, doesn't it?

Because Reading just cuts way too much into my surfing time

The YouTube description of this ad reads "a modern retelling (of the Herman Melville Classic "Moby Dick....")

You know, it's bad enough that cellphones are turning us into a nation of drooling illiterates. If you don't want to read, fine. If you want to burn your eyes out of your head staring at a screen, that's fine too. And if you want to spend every free moment of your day fiddling around pointlessly searching for images, videos, etc and sharing them with your equally stupid friends, go for it.

But don't do all that and pretend that you are are engaged in a "retelling" of an American Classic, ok? Unless you think that "Moby Dick" is a story about a ship that travels to the other side of the planet to kill a whale (to the accompaniment of Moby- yes, I get it- not especially clever- and insightful comments like "Ahoy there!" and "Take a picture!") and not about obsession and man's innate need to connect with and understand the universe he finds himself in, this is NOT a retelling of Moby Dick, any more than Disney's Pocahantas was a retelling of the story of Jamestown.

You can make yourself literate by putting in the time required to consume the classics. I'm not a Melville fan- I thought Billy Budd was torture- but I'm not going to stick a DVD of Moby Dick starring Gregory Peck into the player and a few hours later tell myself that I've experienced his signature work. And fucking around with your phone for a few minutes isn't going to make up for that AP Lit class you didn't take in High School, ok?

So make a decision. Be a clueless dumbass who can't walk and chew gum at the same time, but knows how to surf the web on his phone like nobody's business, or put the Short Cut to the Cartoon Version of Life away and pick up a book. See if those synapses are still firing, or have become atrophied with disuse. And don't worry- if it turns out that your brain can no longer absorb complex literary concepts, you can always just say "fuck it" and go back to playing Angry Birds.

eTrade's latest gift to the glue-sniffers who have no idea what stocks are

Let me see if I get this straight: The eTrade babies:

1. Take the Red Eye to and from Bachelor Parties

2. Own Laptops and I Phones with E-trade Apps.

3. Are interested in watching animals have sex (this one REALLY confuses me- so they are infants with the financial sense of adults, and the sexual curiosity of preteens?)

4. Have baby girlfriends ("milkaholics?" Seriously, eTrade? And you want me to trust you with my money?)

Actually, of course, there's only one thing to get straight here: The only thing eTrade is interested in is appealing to the crude lowest common denominator. I simply do not believe that the people who are actual potential customers for this "service" are the SAME people who find these ads even remotely amusing.

So what is happening here? My guess- the population of people out there who use "services" like eTrade smirk and nod at these incredibly stupid, insulting piles of steaming dreck, taking no message from the commercials other than "well, this is what you have to do these days to remind people that you're out there. Whatever."

Meanwhile, a larger population of people who don't have the slightest idea what these babies are talking about (when they are talking about trades) enjoy yukking it up over the OMIGOD SO FUNNY babies and the OMIGOD SO CLEVER things they are saying. That larger population is made up of exceptionally stupid people who really need to grow the hell up. Need to, but won't- because drifting in the warm Sea of Arrested Development is so much more pleasant, not to mention LOL CHECK OUT THAT NEW SHINY THING ROTFLMAO!!

I'll give eTrade this much: It's not often that a company is willing to spend money creating ads targeted at people who will never, ever seek out the service being advertised. But I still have to ask- why babies? Why not monkeys? They can be made to say HILARIOUS things, too. Why not penguins- they are really hot right now. Or geckos- oh wait, I forgot. They are already taken.