Hey Applebees, the Olive Garden called. They want their schtick back!

Ugh, the stupid, it just BURNS!!

Why is it that all these commercials feature completely generic, grinning jackasses who act like dinner at Applebees is the most gosh-darned awesome thing any of them could ever hope to experience?

And while we're at it, what is it about dinner at Applebees (or Olive Garden- really, what's the difference?) that makes these people act like empty-headed, clueless, classless shmucks?

Here we have a group of Real Men eager to outdo each other in the "I'm gonna eat the kind of meal that just screams I'M A GUY AND EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE NO GIRLS HERE I HAVE TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES SORRY HEART" department, ordering burgers, ribs- you know, the usual suspects.

Then we've got the lone wolf- or maybe the Beta Male of the herd, who actually finds the guts to pipe up "I'm going to try one of these 550 calorie or less meals." His reward is an all-too predictable dismissive, disbelieving chortle from one of his "friends." I don't know exactly what that snigger is really supposed to mean- my guess is that the ad men who put this mess together don't know either- it's just kind of a throwaway gesture which projects to the audience "draw your own conclusions. We couldn't come up with actual dialogue. Hey, this ain't Shakespeare, people. It's just a crappy ad for a crappy restaurant."

When Our Hero gets this plate of Something Under 500 Calories, one of his friends does something which convinces me that the person who wrote this ad really doesn't give a damn about staying within the realm of the believable. Just before the cutaway, this guy reaches across the table with his fork to cop a taste!

Ok, Applebees, listen very carefully. Nobody takes your commercials seriously. Nobody thinks they are an example of art imitating life, even if we could convince ourselves that this is some kind of "art." We understand that when we watch television, we should expect to suspend disbelief from time to time. But you take the concept too far here. Because never, ever, EVER in the history of this great nation has a man reached across a table to steal a forkful of another man's dinner at a restaurant. I mean, it just DOESN'T HAPPEN.

And if you are going to include such a preposterous scene in an ad like this, at least end it with the victim stabbing his idiot friend's hand with his fork, then taking him down with a left hook. Amidst thunderous applause. These are GUYS, after all.

Define "Deeper"

Here's another episode featuring the heartwarming story of Privileged Kids and their extremely expensive Cisco Technology. This one is a bit different, in that for the first time, we actually see kids using the technology to do something at least SOMEWHAT Educational.

But focusing on the educational aspects of Cisco technology- instead of just alluding to it- would be boring, so instead we have the a kid using a joystick to maneuver a camera around at 14,000 feet below sea level while his classmates bleat "go right! Right! Now down! Go Right!" even though it's painfully clear that there's nothing on the screen they are gazing at except blackness.

Fortunately for their teacher, who at this point must be at least a little concerned that her Take the Day off and Let her Kids goof off with the Pricey Piece of Equipment in My Classroom lesson plan might be sinking faster than the camera, is bailed out by the sudden appearance of a glowing example of deep-ocean life. This creature is conveniently luminous and has kid-attracting eyes. Now the teacher has to be thinking "oh god please stay on the screen a long time, we've got 20 minutes left in this class and another long period of Nothing To See will not be tolerated by these kids!"

"What is it?" one kids asks. The marine biologist who I guess is guiding this "lesson" replies "that's a....um, I don't know."

Reality Check time. Cisco is actually trying to sell us on the idea that if you purchase it's glamorized video conferencing equipment you will not only be able to go on "field trips to China" and engage in staring contests with people on the other side of the planet, but you may just discover new life forms? That's almost as unrealistic as a marine biologist admitting that he doesn't know what a new life form is- the correct, realistic response is "That's a Graffer Fish."

Kid: "Wow, that's cool- didn't you say your name was Mr Graffer?"

Marine Biologist: "Yes. I discovered this fish. Just now. Gotta go put it in the books, kids."

The glowing octopus thing then spins away, causing the kids to give an collective "wooooahhh," the teacher to give an appreciative smile, and for the entire class to go back to the Ever So Educational task of maneuvering the camera through the dark.

I can only figure that Cisco was getting bored with the "use our incredibly expensive technology to do really stupid things" ad campaign and decided to throw a bone to those of us who wanted to see what actual EDUCATIONAL value that technology might provide. I'm not sure that kids seeing a glowing octopus for five seconds, being told that the expert they are hooked up with doesn't know what it is, and deciding to call it "Blinky" really cuts it. I can tell you that I'm not comfortable about showing this commercial to the school board in the future and following the presentation with "so you can see why we need this in OUR science lab!"

I CAN tell you that I've had more than enough of the narrator's voice- god it drives me nuts.

Oh, and "Blinky?" That's the best you can do, kid? BLINKY?

Does Anybody Actually Work Anymore?

It must be so great for our huge population of unemployed and underemployed citizens to watch one commercial after another featuring people sitting in big offices searching for new ways to avoid doing anything to actually earn their paychecks.

This time, we've got a pretty decent crowd of slackers who have decided that lunch break didn't quite cut it, and it's time for an impromptu taco party- because while Americans are the World's Most Productive, Most Innovative Workers (I heard this on Fox and in the State of the Union Address, so you know it's true,) hey, tacos are tacos. Naturally, everybody learned about the taco party through an email sent to their cell phones (I'm not sure why this is morally superior to using interoffice memos- ok, so you aren't stealing company material, just company time?)

One ugly dick who for some reason strikes me as their boss (I don't know why) gets his panties in a wad because he thinks his employees are snubbing him. You see, he's got some lame-ass phone, which was probably state of the art way back in November but is now So Very Yesterday that it took him an extra two and a half minutes to get the Taco Party memo (and get this: it's not just that the employees are told of a taco party. The announcement has to include cute graphics. Is there an App for that? Or is this still MORE time stolen from the company?)

Suddenly exposed as technologically backwards rather than merely unpopular, Presumed Boss Guy- who just committed what used to be a horrible faux pas but nowadays is probably just par for the course in the age of Tweet Every Non-Thought that Pops into your Witless Skull- is reduced to an embarressed giggle and half-audible "yeah...." Too much to ask that he just APOLOGIZE for jumping to conclusions and- more grievously- upsetting workplace cohesion by creating a wall of tension between two employees. I mean, that just wouldn't be as "funny," would it?

Meanwhile, if television is being honest with me, there seems to be two very distinct groups of Americans. There's the group that is unemployed or underemployed- frustrated, angry, desperate. Then there's the group that collects a paycheck by sitting around offices watching ESPN.com, talking about vacations they are about to save big money on thanks to Priceline, setting up screens so they can watch The Big Game and drink beer, and eating tacos. When the second group gets bored, they head off to coffee shops and restaurants to talk about insurance and rag on fellow "employees" who are trying to save money by brown-bagging it. The two groups have one thing in common: Neither is doing any actual work.

I'd love to see a parody of these ads, in which the great mass of people sitting around offices dicking around gets thrown out on their collective butts, and their jobs are handed to the currently unemployed. Hey guys, the next Taco Party is scheduled for 1 PM. The location? The dumpster behind the local KFC/Taco Bell franchise.

Don't forget to invite that guy you called a creep.

Thanks for Asking, Taco Bell!

What next? I'm just chock-full of suggestions for you, young man!

1) Complain loudly to the restaurant management that someone has slipped you the food equivalent of a whoopie cushion- perhaps made by the same company that produces those ridiculously noisy Kit Kat Bars which also exist only on television.

2) Ask those pretty girls if they MIND if you continue to eat your dinner without having to feel awkward by their turning around every time you take a freaking bite. Given the ages of these customers, my guess is that this guy could blather away at high volume on his cell phone and get less reaction. I mean, this IS a fast-food joint, not a library, right?

3) Realize that those pretty girls can't hear your thought bubbles (we viewers should be so lucky.) They can't tell how cool and suave you are with the ladies, because while you are thinking these witty (in your mind) thoughts, they just see a dumbstruck doofus holding a pile of poison wrapped in empty carbs.

4) Along the same lines- stop looking at the girls you Know You'll Never Talk To, You Loser and start planning on how you are going to work off the fatty, salty, greasy crap you are shoveling into your body. I suggest a nice jog to the moon.

Or, just keep doing what you planned- sit there quietly, waiting for the pretty girls to leave, so they won't notice that you wet your pants when they actually acknowledged your existence for a moment. When you go home, change your pants, go online, and tell all your Facebook Friends about how you hit it off with these two awesome chicks you met at Taco Bell.

Then never go to that Taco Bell again, because you've been banned for the mess you left on the floor. Your arteries will thank you.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you- this pointless pile of crap was sitting on my head

Um, what?

Seriously- what the hell IS this? An unsupervised little brat (know what would really help here? PARENTS! What a concept!) trashes his toys right and left, but the toy car which is a perfect copy of the automobile being advertised stays scratch free- HUH? SO WHAT? What does this prove?

Not to mention, several things that his monster does with the car are completely harmless- pouring shampoo all over it? Letting slugs crawl on it? What toy would be damaged by these "punishing" acts? I mean, if the toy car was made in China, those slugs might be in danger of lead poisoning- but what could they do to the car?

"We put it through more than five thousand quality tests..." do these include having a giant kid step on it repeatedly, or throwing it into the jaws of a sixty-foot dog? No? THEN THIS IS A REALLY STUPID COMMERCIAL AND WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER, NISSAN?

Now, if I completely misread this ad, and it turns out that it's for Matchbox, I take back everything I just said and I must congratulate the company for continuing to make fine, rugged toys capable of handling anything a little kid who is obviously raising himself can throw at them.

Here's an idea- give your pie hole a rest, especially while driving. That will save money, too.

Here's a nice collection of clueless jackasses who spent years getting screwed by their phone companies but now think that they are qualified to tell me what service I should be using.

Wait- let me rephrase that. Here's a nice collection of clueless jackasses with very, very limited vocabularies trying to sell me that message. Because seriously- you are going to have to do a lot better than "HUGE, ENORMOUS BILL" bleated in a Middle Eastern accent to get me to switch-- how about telling me what those words mean? What's a "HUGE, ENORMOUS bill," anyway? $100? $200? It seems likely that the bill was considerably more than usual- or these people just woke up one day and decided "gee, maybe I shouldn't be handing my retirement account to my phone company." Either way, why should I pay attention?

And you are also going to have to a lot better than posing people in front of mountains of crumbled up paper. I mean, good for you if you are saving money now- but again, what took you so long?

Oh, and having one of these people hand me a grunt/snarl when she recollects how incredibly long it took for her to put two and two together and realize that she was paying too much- that doesn't work, either.

Because the only message I really get out of this ad is that there are a lot of really, really stupid people out there who had no problem overpaying for phone service but now, like druggies who have Discovered Jesus, feel empowered to preach to the rest of us about saving money. These guys aren't quite as obnoxious as the people who mug us with "Have You Looked At YOUR Bill yet?" in other ads, but pretty damned close.

Hey, Vonage losers- just because you overpaid, doesn't mean the rest of us aren't a LITTLE BIT smarter with OUR money. So take your sad little stories of personal awakening, cram them, and throw them into that pile behind you, ok?

Remember this when your request for a new stapler is denied

The copying machine- the only one your school owns- is on the fritz, again. The service guy is on his way, but it may be a while. And the repair job will only keep the copier functioning for a few weeks, tops, before it breaks down again.

Sorry, we're out of transparency paper. You know how much that stuff costs? Just pass the photo or graphic around the room.

At the beginning of the school year, each teacher will receive a set of whiteboard markers. DO NOT LEAVE THESE MARKERS IN THE CLASSROOM. DO NOT LET THE STUDENTS USE THESE MARKERS. If you need replacement markers, please let (----) know. If teachers request too many replacement markers, we must assume that these instructions are not being followed, and teachers will be required to supply their own.

Sent home to parents: a list of items each student should bring to school on the first day, including two boxes of facial tissues for the classroom.

"The Advanced Placement History books currently used by your class include a concluding paragraph covering the 9/11 terrorist attacks- therefore, they are sufficiently up to date. We can't afford new textbooks this year."

"We agree that a trip to Harper's Ferry would be the perfect way to conclude the year for the United States History I class; however, the bus fee is not within our field trip budget constraints."

Meanwhile, the incredibly irritating narrator with the grating sing-song voice is celebrating the fact that in a school somewhere across town some kid is using CISCO's SmartBoard technology to engage in a staring contest with a kid on the other side of the fucking planet. Probably because the Field Trip to China has been delayed until Ellen Page shows up.

Warms the heart, doesn't it?