Start your day with a nice ear bleeding

Maybe it's just that it's too damn early in the morning when this ad plays, and I'm just not in the mood to hear Jennifer Hudson screeching like a banshee at high volume about how she used to be fat and she's not anymore.

Maybe I'm just sick of mega-millionaire celebrities crowing about how they lost tons of weight eating plastic food conveniently delivered to their door. I mean, I kind of already knew that if you could afford to buy prepared meals AND hire a personal trainer AND a Life coach, it's not all that hard to lose weight. Didn't really need a commercial which makes my freaking ears bleed to confirm it, thanks anyway, Ms Hudson. Seems like only yesterday that Oprah Winfrey stepped from behind a curtain to show off her new skinny body- whatever happened to that body, anyway?

Maybe I'm tired of the "I lost weight fast" message always trumping the "I lost weight safely and sensibly" message. How does eating specially-manufactured crud from Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig teach you how to manage your diet once the budget-busting deal is expired? What have you learned about your body by eating prepared meals? Absolutely nothing.

Maybe I'm just bored with the Silver Bullet Theory of Dieting. This commercial isn't any better or worse than the Right Size Smoothie BS I hear on XM radio roughly 400 times a day- "feed your body right" by guzzling strawberry-flavored milkshakes? Suurreee.

Maybe after losing 25 lbs in three months by replacing two meals a day with Grape Nuts, Cheerios, fruit, yogurt, etc, cutting out all sweets and snacks, and walking an average of 50 miles a week and going to the gym at least four times a week, I am just very intolerant toward "spend money and lose weight" ads.

Or maybe, there's just no good time of day to be assaulted by this self-congratulatory "I took an expensive short cut, check out my awesomeness" bs. Congratulations, Ms Hudson. Not wishing you any ill-will, but I am looking forward to seeing what you look like a year from now.

It's that time of year again- hold on to your wallets, taxpayers!

Here are two H&R Block Ads which are conveniently run together to show us the two faces of tax preparation "services:" The Dishonest, and the Just Plain Stupid and Insulting.

First, the Dishonest: "How fast can we get you your refund? In about twenty-four hours." And in the blink of an eye, we get the minor detail that the customer is not actually getting their refund, but a Refund Loan. What's a "Refund Loan?" Why, it's an amount H&R Block is willing to hand you in exchange for taking full possession of your refund once it arrives. H&R Block is perfectly willing to float you this "loan" as soon as the State and Federal Governments have confirmed that your returns have been accepted. You just pay the fees and interest up front, you see. Great deal- for the desperate suckers who NEED THEIR MONEY RIGHT NOW.

Now, before you say "hey John, stay with the times- H&R Block doesn't OFFER Rapid Refunds anymore!" I'll stop you by pointing out that they do offer something called a "Refund Anticipation Loan." And if you can find any difference between the two, I'll concede the point.

Second, the Just Plain Stupid and Insulting: Book-ending some future tax cheat who is actually going to claim a deductible for a shirt and tie stained by coffee (are you kidding, H&R Block?) we get spat on TWICE by the same spokesman for this awful company. "And I almost went into medicine (snort)"-- what does this even mean? You have more opportunities to separate hard-working but ignorant people from their money doing tax prep than if you had gone into medicine? I've been behind the scenes in medical buildings- I really must beg to differ.

There are a few pieces of good news, at least: First of all, these ads, like the ones for Lexus's "December to Remember," have a built-in expiration date. Come April, they'll be off our televisions for another eight months or so. Second, at least H&R Block doesn't hire people to dress up like the Statue of Liberty and wave signs on the highway like Liberty Tax does (you've got to be REALLY desperate, disconnected, and stupid to be drawn in by THAT level of banal crap.)

Still, it's sad to think that there are people out there who live so close to the margins that they would be willing to part with a big chunk of their tax refunds in order to walk away with some money in their pockets a few weeks earlier than if they just waited for the direct deposit to land in their bank accounts. And worse that there are companies like H&R Block perched like vultures waiting to take advantage of these people, every single year.

And call it a "service."

Been Paranoid?

Check out these frightened losers. Somewhere down the road, something truly horrible happened to each one of them, and now they are so freaking damaged that they are willing to endorse a product which allows you to check out the background of anyone you might come into contact with- your postman, your next-door neighbor, that guy who seemed to look at you funny on the bus the other day, the waiter at your favorite local hangout, your Father in Law...

"This guy I met online could be ANYONE..." yes indeed, he could. And if he's a methodical, stalking nutcase, he's not going to be frightened away by your request for his name. He'll give you the name of an acquaintance, neighbor, whoever, and you'll think you're safe to meet him at the corner of Doom and God Knows Where at 2 AM because hey, after all, BeenVerified said he was Ok.

"Online Dating can be scary"- and stupid, and sad. Seriously, if you've been driven to Online Dating, you're probably just one disappointing date away from writing to guys on death row anyway. Hey, their background checks are easy to do, at least!

Basically, this looks like a product which could have been created by the same people who brought us Brinks Security and the hilarious "home invasion" ads. The world is a big, scary place filled with scumbags who want to rape you and kill you, not necessarily in that order. So you'd better arm yourself. And don't think that purchasing an electronic fence for your house is going to cut it. You still go outside sometimes, you know. And that's where the predators are waiting for you.

I especially like the Terrified but Otherwise Thrilled to be Fertile woman in this commercial, who simply cannot stop letting us know that she's pregnant. "You don't know who to trust" with her hand gently resting on her stomach. "My growing family" accompanied by a gentle tummy rub. "Mother's intuition" dished out to us a few moments later. Jesus Christ, we GET IT, lady. You're pregnant. Mazel tov! And double congratulations to you, kid; you're going to be raised by a freakishly paranoid helicopter mom who insists on doing background checks on all your friends, their parents, their parents' friends, etc. etc. ETC.

Because it's a scary world out there. Especially these people, who need serious psychological help. No further verification required.

Just for Fun, Because I couldn't resist

I caught this vintage ad while watching an old VHS recording of Mystery Science Theatre, and I couldn't believe my luck in finding it available for embedding on YouTube. Every time I see this ad, two thoughts run simultaneously through my head:

1) Why would anyone want to listen to this music? I mean, it's not terrible in small doses- I'm a big Cars fan- but I simply can't imagine listening to this for more than two or three songs at a time. Unless I wanted to induce a comatose state, perhaps.

(I'm pretty sure that the combination of grapes, wine and Spandau Ballet is an approved form of euthanasia in Oregon.)

2) There is simply no way that these two people are having sex. Or ever thinking about sex. Or have any idea what sex is. And I mean NO. WAY. Which means that the only reason this couple would own these tapes (or Cassettes!) would be to wind down after a particularly rigorous hour of Bible Study.

I mean, just check out that mustache. And that sweater. And the girl's truly freaky I Love Jesus eyes. Yikes!

Hey Applebees, the Olive Garden called. They want their schtick back!

Ugh, the stupid, it just BURNS!!

Why is it that all these commercials feature completely generic, grinning jackasses who act like dinner at Applebees is the most gosh-darned awesome thing any of them could ever hope to experience?

And while we're at it, what is it about dinner at Applebees (or Olive Garden- really, what's the difference?) that makes these people act like empty-headed, clueless, classless shmucks?

Here we have a group of Real Men eager to outdo each other in the "I'm gonna eat the kind of meal that just screams I'M A GUY AND EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE NO GIRLS HERE I HAVE TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES SORRY HEART" department, ordering burgers, ribs- you know, the usual suspects.

Then we've got the lone wolf- or maybe the Beta Male of the herd, who actually finds the guts to pipe up "I'm going to try one of these 550 calorie or less meals." His reward is an all-too predictable dismissive, disbelieving chortle from one of his "friends." I don't know exactly what that snigger is really supposed to mean- my guess is that the ad men who put this mess together don't know either- it's just kind of a throwaway gesture which projects to the audience "draw your own conclusions. We couldn't come up with actual dialogue. Hey, this ain't Shakespeare, people. It's just a crappy ad for a crappy restaurant."

When Our Hero gets this plate of Something Under 500 Calories, one of his friends does something which convinces me that the person who wrote this ad really doesn't give a damn about staying within the realm of the believable. Just before the cutaway, this guy reaches across the table with his fork to cop a taste!

Ok, Applebees, listen very carefully. Nobody takes your commercials seriously. Nobody thinks they are an example of art imitating life, even if we could convince ourselves that this is some kind of "art." We understand that when we watch television, we should expect to suspend disbelief from time to time. But you take the concept too far here. Because never, ever, EVER in the history of this great nation has a man reached across a table to steal a forkful of another man's dinner at a restaurant. I mean, it just DOESN'T HAPPEN.

And if you are going to include such a preposterous scene in an ad like this, at least end it with the victim stabbing his idiot friend's hand with his fork, then taking him down with a left hook. Amidst thunderous applause. These are GUYS, after all.

Define "Deeper"

Here's another episode featuring the heartwarming story of Privileged Kids and their extremely expensive Cisco Technology. This one is a bit different, in that for the first time, we actually see kids using the technology to do something at least SOMEWHAT Educational.

But focusing on the educational aspects of Cisco technology- instead of just alluding to it- would be boring, so instead we have the a kid using a joystick to maneuver a camera around at 14,000 feet below sea level while his classmates bleat "go right! Right! Now down! Go Right!" even though it's painfully clear that there's nothing on the screen they are gazing at except blackness.

Fortunately for their teacher, who at this point must be at least a little concerned that her Take the Day off and Let her Kids goof off with the Pricey Piece of Equipment in My Classroom lesson plan might be sinking faster than the camera, is bailed out by the sudden appearance of a glowing example of deep-ocean life. This creature is conveniently luminous and has kid-attracting eyes. Now the teacher has to be thinking "oh god please stay on the screen a long time, we've got 20 minutes left in this class and another long period of Nothing To See will not be tolerated by these kids!"

"What is it?" one kids asks. The marine biologist who I guess is guiding this "lesson" replies "that's a....um, I don't know."

Reality Check time. Cisco is actually trying to sell us on the idea that if you purchase it's glamorized video conferencing equipment you will not only be able to go on "field trips to China" and engage in staring contests with people on the other side of the planet, but you may just discover new life forms? That's almost as unrealistic as a marine biologist admitting that he doesn't know what a new life form is- the correct, realistic response is "That's a Graffer Fish."

Kid: "Wow, that's cool- didn't you say your name was Mr Graffer?"

Marine Biologist: "Yes. I discovered this fish. Just now. Gotta go put it in the books, kids."

The glowing octopus thing then spins away, causing the kids to give an collective "wooooahhh," the teacher to give an appreciative smile, and for the entire class to go back to the Ever So Educational task of maneuvering the camera through the dark.

I can only figure that Cisco was getting bored with the "use our incredibly expensive technology to do really stupid things" ad campaign and decided to throw a bone to those of us who wanted to see what actual EDUCATIONAL value that technology might provide. I'm not sure that kids seeing a glowing octopus for five seconds, being told that the expert they are hooked up with doesn't know what it is, and deciding to call it "Blinky" really cuts it. I can tell you that I'm not comfortable about showing this commercial to the school board in the future and following the presentation with "so you can see why we need this in OUR science lab!"

I CAN tell you that I've had more than enough of the narrator's voice- god it drives me nuts.

Oh, and "Blinky?" That's the best you can do, kid? BLINKY?

Does Anybody Actually Work Anymore?

It must be so great for our huge population of unemployed and underemployed citizens to watch one commercial after another featuring people sitting in big offices searching for new ways to avoid doing anything to actually earn their paychecks.

This time, we've got a pretty decent crowd of slackers who have decided that lunch break didn't quite cut it, and it's time for an impromptu taco party- because while Americans are the World's Most Productive, Most Innovative Workers (I heard this on Fox and in the State of the Union Address, so you know it's true,) hey, tacos are tacos. Naturally, everybody learned about the taco party through an email sent to their cell phones (I'm not sure why this is morally superior to using interoffice memos- ok, so you aren't stealing company material, just company time?)

One ugly dick who for some reason strikes me as their boss (I don't know why) gets his panties in a wad because he thinks his employees are snubbing him. You see, he's got some lame-ass phone, which was probably state of the art way back in November but is now So Very Yesterday that it took him an extra two and a half minutes to get the Taco Party memo (and get this: it's not just that the employees are told of a taco party. The announcement has to include cute graphics. Is there an App for that? Or is this still MORE time stolen from the company?)

Suddenly exposed as technologically backwards rather than merely unpopular, Presumed Boss Guy- who just committed what used to be a horrible faux pas but nowadays is probably just par for the course in the age of Tweet Every Non-Thought that Pops into your Witless Skull- is reduced to an embarressed giggle and half-audible "yeah...." Too much to ask that he just APOLOGIZE for jumping to conclusions and- more grievously- upsetting workplace cohesion by creating a wall of tension between two employees. I mean, that just wouldn't be as "funny," would it?

Meanwhile, if television is being honest with me, there seems to be two very distinct groups of Americans. There's the group that is unemployed or underemployed- frustrated, angry, desperate. Then there's the group that collects a paycheck by sitting around offices watching ESPN.com, talking about vacations they are about to save big money on thanks to Priceline, setting up screens so they can watch The Big Game and drink beer, and eating tacos. When the second group gets bored, they head off to coffee shops and restaurants to talk about insurance and rag on fellow "employees" who are trying to save money by brown-bagging it. The two groups have one thing in common: Neither is doing any actual work.

I'd love to see a parody of these ads, in which the great mass of people sitting around offices dicking around gets thrown out on their collective butts, and their jobs are handed to the currently unemployed. Hey guys, the next Taco Party is scheduled for 1 PM. The location? The dumpster behind the local KFC/Taco Bell franchise.

Don't forget to invite that guy you called a creep.