Better late than never, I guess

I'm not sure what it is about the produce section that makes this woman suddenly stop and ask herself "did I take the pill this morning?" I really HOPE it's not that green bean she's holding in her hand, because...well, that would just be wrong.

At any rate, it's really annoying that she can't remember if she took her pill, because apparently if she had, she'd be squeezing in behind the Sale on Watermelons to do it with the next passerby (seriously, why DOES this thought pop into her skull?)

Ok, I'll move on. We don't know why she was reminded of her birth control medication while shopping for veggies, but we do know how that thought gathers strength- her unattended little monsters have just taken out some of those watermelons, the adorable little tikes. The helpless "what am I gonna do, they are my spawn after all" look on this woman's face suggests that she thinks about Life Before These Things more often than she officially lets on in the course of the commercial.

So she gets home with her sack of groceries (celery sticking out of the top-check) and opens the door just in time to see more of her unattended Oopses destroying part of her lovely suburban home. And here it gets really confusing- at one point in this ad, she tells us that "two are enough, for now." But she had two kids at the grocery store- and when she walks into her house, there are two more. Are they the same kids? If so, how did they manage to get into the house and wreck the place before she got in? Why didn't they at least hold the freaking door for her? And if they are different kids, did she just forget about them when she told us that "two are enough, for now?" (Not that I could blame her...)

And now we get to meet Dad, who is every bit as attentive to these Life-Ruining little energy vampires as Mom is. Dad is busy doing what dads do in the suburbs- sitting on a lawn chair, reading the newspaper, and gradually consuming about four pounds of M&Ms. Ah, the American Dream. Except that the bitter reminders of his fertility are swiping his snacks. Well, at least they aren't demanding his notice- that's something.

Here's the message that hangs heavily over this entire commercial, and all the others for the same medication- the Idea of having kids is nice, but god damn they will drive you into an early grave, so here's a weird piece of plastic for you to jam into yourself, ladies, if you can manage to make the idea of having sex pleasant again by separating the concept from those noisy little creatures who are always underfoot.

How many of those creatures does this woman have again? The odd thing is that she seems to be underestimating that number. Wishful thinking, I guess.

And while we're at it, I'm getting kind of sick of tying my own shoes!

I actually kind of enjoy these low-budget medical equipment commercials which more or less beg elderly Americans to use their Medicare part D money (it's just sitting there, after all, dammit!) to buy home escalators, electronic pill dispensers, urinary catheters and scooters. They are all pretty much the same- "look, you need this device we make. Just call us- we'll do all the paperwork, we'll get the thing shipped right to your door, you won't be able to remember how you lived without it- just authorize us, grampa!"

In this one, Michael Steele and his mom are delighted to tell us how, thanks to this new digital blood sugar meter, people with diabetes no longer have to prick their fingers to draw blood. Watching this ad, it's kind of hard to believe that not all that long ago, people had no way of testing their blood sugar at home at all, and at-home testing was a major breakthrough providing a huge convenience. But just as cell phones which just allow you to have a conversation with anyone in the world from anywhere in the world are now seen as clunky antiques unless they also provide streaming video, instant score updates and step-by-step directions from the living room to the toilet, the old meters just don't cut it anymore. After all, you have to draw almost an entire gram of blood! OUCH!

Anyway, once we know what the product is- a big shiny screen featuring a font type which can be seen from space (but just in case, it yells your blood glucose level into the next county, you spoiled old fart) the ad degenerates into Call this Number and we'll have it in your Mailbox Tomorrow territory, etc. etc. etc. I don't know if it's worth buying, but I guess that doesn't really matter- the important thing is that our seniors have been reminded once again that there are people out there eager to cater to their every "need," and they are only a phone call away. Whether they want to rid themselves of the hassle of pricking their fingers, walking up stairs, or getting out of a bathtub, someone is out there, waiting to serve. Almost makes me look forward to getting old-but not quite.

Start your day with a nice ear bleeding

Maybe it's just that it's too damn early in the morning when this ad plays, and I'm just not in the mood to hear Jennifer Hudson screeching like a banshee at high volume about how she used to be fat and she's not anymore.

Maybe I'm just sick of mega-millionaire celebrities crowing about how they lost tons of weight eating plastic food conveniently delivered to their door. I mean, I kind of already knew that if you could afford to buy prepared meals AND hire a personal trainer AND a Life coach, it's not all that hard to lose weight. Didn't really need a commercial which makes my freaking ears bleed to confirm it, thanks anyway, Ms Hudson. Seems like only yesterday that Oprah Winfrey stepped from behind a curtain to show off her new skinny body- whatever happened to that body, anyway?

Maybe I'm tired of the "I lost weight fast" message always trumping the "I lost weight safely and sensibly" message. How does eating specially-manufactured crud from Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig teach you how to manage your diet once the budget-busting deal is expired? What have you learned about your body by eating prepared meals? Absolutely nothing.

Maybe I'm just bored with the Silver Bullet Theory of Dieting. This commercial isn't any better or worse than the Right Size Smoothie BS I hear on XM radio roughly 400 times a day- "feed your body right" by guzzling strawberry-flavored milkshakes? Suurreee.

Maybe after losing 25 lbs in three months by replacing two meals a day with Grape Nuts, Cheerios, fruit, yogurt, etc, cutting out all sweets and snacks, and walking an average of 50 miles a week and going to the gym at least four times a week, I am just very intolerant toward "spend money and lose weight" ads.

Or maybe, there's just no good time of day to be assaulted by this self-congratulatory "I took an expensive short cut, check out my awesomeness" bs. Congratulations, Ms Hudson. Not wishing you any ill-will, but I am looking forward to seeing what you look like a year from now.

It's that time of year again- hold on to your wallets, taxpayers!

Here are two H&R Block Ads which are conveniently run together to show us the two faces of tax preparation "services:" The Dishonest, and the Just Plain Stupid and Insulting.

First, the Dishonest: "How fast can we get you your refund? In about twenty-four hours." And in the blink of an eye, we get the minor detail that the customer is not actually getting their refund, but a Refund Loan. What's a "Refund Loan?" Why, it's an amount H&R Block is willing to hand you in exchange for taking full possession of your refund once it arrives. H&R Block is perfectly willing to float you this "loan" as soon as the State and Federal Governments have confirmed that your returns have been accepted. You just pay the fees and interest up front, you see. Great deal- for the desperate suckers who NEED THEIR MONEY RIGHT NOW.

Now, before you say "hey John, stay with the times- H&R Block doesn't OFFER Rapid Refunds anymore!" I'll stop you by pointing out that they do offer something called a "Refund Anticipation Loan." And if you can find any difference between the two, I'll concede the point.

Second, the Just Plain Stupid and Insulting: Book-ending some future tax cheat who is actually going to claim a deductible for a shirt and tie stained by coffee (are you kidding, H&R Block?) we get spat on TWICE by the same spokesman for this awful company. "And I almost went into medicine (snort)"-- what does this even mean? You have more opportunities to separate hard-working but ignorant people from their money doing tax prep than if you had gone into medicine? I've been behind the scenes in medical buildings- I really must beg to differ.

There are a few pieces of good news, at least: First of all, these ads, like the ones for Lexus's "December to Remember," have a built-in expiration date. Come April, they'll be off our televisions for another eight months or so. Second, at least H&R Block doesn't hire people to dress up like the Statue of Liberty and wave signs on the highway like Liberty Tax does (you've got to be REALLY desperate, disconnected, and stupid to be drawn in by THAT level of banal crap.)

Still, it's sad to think that there are people out there who live so close to the margins that they would be willing to part with a big chunk of their tax refunds in order to walk away with some money in their pockets a few weeks earlier than if they just waited for the direct deposit to land in their bank accounts. And worse that there are companies like H&R Block perched like vultures waiting to take advantage of these people, every single year.

And call it a "service."

Been Paranoid?

Check out these frightened losers. Somewhere down the road, something truly horrible happened to each one of them, and now they are so freaking damaged that they are willing to endorse a product which allows you to check out the background of anyone you might come into contact with- your postman, your next-door neighbor, that guy who seemed to look at you funny on the bus the other day, the waiter at your favorite local hangout, your Father in Law...

"This guy I met online could be ANYONE..." yes indeed, he could. And if he's a methodical, stalking nutcase, he's not going to be frightened away by your request for his name. He'll give you the name of an acquaintance, neighbor, whoever, and you'll think you're safe to meet him at the corner of Doom and God Knows Where at 2 AM because hey, after all, BeenVerified said he was Ok.

"Online Dating can be scary"- and stupid, and sad. Seriously, if you've been driven to Online Dating, you're probably just one disappointing date away from writing to guys on death row anyway. Hey, their background checks are easy to do, at least!

Basically, this looks like a product which could have been created by the same people who brought us Brinks Security and the hilarious "home invasion" ads. The world is a big, scary place filled with scumbags who want to rape you and kill you, not necessarily in that order. So you'd better arm yourself. And don't think that purchasing an electronic fence for your house is going to cut it. You still go outside sometimes, you know. And that's where the predators are waiting for you.

I especially like the Terrified but Otherwise Thrilled to be Fertile woman in this commercial, who simply cannot stop letting us know that she's pregnant. "You don't know who to trust" with her hand gently resting on her stomach. "My growing family" accompanied by a gentle tummy rub. "Mother's intuition" dished out to us a few moments later. Jesus Christ, we GET IT, lady. You're pregnant. Mazel tov! And double congratulations to you, kid; you're going to be raised by a freakishly paranoid helicopter mom who insists on doing background checks on all your friends, their parents, their parents' friends, etc. etc. ETC.

Because it's a scary world out there. Especially these people, who need serious psychological help. No further verification required.

Just for Fun, Because I couldn't resist

I caught this vintage ad while watching an old VHS recording of Mystery Science Theatre, and I couldn't believe my luck in finding it available for embedding on YouTube. Every time I see this ad, two thoughts run simultaneously through my head:

1) Why would anyone want to listen to this music? I mean, it's not terrible in small doses- I'm a big Cars fan- but I simply can't imagine listening to this for more than two or three songs at a time. Unless I wanted to induce a comatose state, perhaps.

(I'm pretty sure that the combination of grapes, wine and Spandau Ballet is an approved form of euthanasia in Oregon.)

2) There is simply no way that these two people are having sex. Or ever thinking about sex. Or have any idea what sex is. And I mean NO. WAY. Which means that the only reason this couple would own these tapes (or Cassettes!) would be to wind down after a particularly rigorous hour of Bible Study.

I mean, just check out that mustache. And that sweater. And the girl's truly freaky I Love Jesus eyes. Yikes!

Hey Applebees, the Olive Garden called. They want their schtick back!

Ugh, the stupid, it just BURNS!!

Why is it that all these commercials feature completely generic, grinning jackasses who act like dinner at Applebees is the most gosh-darned awesome thing any of them could ever hope to experience?

And while we're at it, what is it about dinner at Applebees (or Olive Garden- really, what's the difference?) that makes these people act like empty-headed, clueless, classless shmucks?

Here we have a group of Real Men eager to outdo each other in the "I'm gonna eat the kind of meal that just screams I'M A GUY AND EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE NO GIRLS HERE I HAVE TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES SORRY HEART" department, ordering burgers, ribs- you know, the usual suspects.

Then we've got the lone wolf- or maybe the Beta Male of the herd, who actually finds the guts to pipe up "I'm going to try one of these 550 calorie or less meals." His reward is an all-too predictable dismissive, disbelieving chortle from one of his "friends." I don't know exactly what that snigger is really supposed to mean- my guess is that the ad men who put this mess together don't know either- it's just kind of a throwaway gesture which projects to the audience "draw your own conclusions. We couldn't come up with actual dialogue. Hey, this ain't Shakespeare, people. It's just a crappy ad for a crappy restaurant."

When Our Hero gets this plate of Something Under 500 Calories, one of his friends does something which convinces me that the person who wrote this ad really doesn't give a damn about staying within the realm of the believable. Just before the cutaway, this guy reaches across the table with his fork to cop a taste!

Ok, Applebees, listen very carefully. Nobody takes your commercials seriously. Nobody thinks they are an example of art imitating life, even if we could convince ourselves that this is some kind of "art." We understand that when we watch television, we should expect to suspend disbelief from time to time. But you take the concept too far here. Because never, ever, EVER in the history of this great nation has a man reached across a table to steal a forkful of another man's dinner at a restaurant. I mean, it just DOESN'T HAPPEN.

And if you are going to include such a preposterous scene in an ad like this, at least end it with the victim stabbing his idiot friend's hand with his fork, then taking him down with a left hook. Amidst thunderous applause. These are GUYS, after all.