Ok, here's the plan- Get married! Outlive your husband! Inherit! Get married again! Lather, Rinse, Repeat!!

This "long version" of a truly bizarre Raymond James investment commercial isn't so much insulting as it is disturbing. I can take the joke highlighted in the "short version"- a "fastidious librarian" was so careful with her money, and so wise in her choice of investment strategies (thanks to Raymond James) that when she retired and failed to die at an appropriate age (whatever that is) everything worked out fine.

The short version has her simply enjoying her retired life, engaging in all kinds of fun activities as the whole world is open to her, thanks to her never-ending portfolio income. It didn't matter that she made squat as a librarian- the meagre investments she made have blossomed into a fortune (again, thanks to the wizards at Raymond James.)

In the long version, we see the real reason why life continues to be good for the fastidious librarian. The key to her financial security is not Raymond James- it's her willingness to get married again (and again?) and her ability to find wealthy guys who want to marry her. Um, how does Raymond James manage to take credit for this?

And I'm not even going to get into the Honeymoon scene. Let's just say that's an image I wish I could wash from my brain. And that I hate you, Raymond James.

So what's my real beef with this ad? Not the differences between the short version and the long version, really. It's the conceit involved- Raymond James is actually trying to convince us that if you make $30,000 per year as a librarian but save your money carefully and invest with Raymond James, you can retire at 65 and spend the next 60-plus years gallivanting around the world having nothing but fun. Give me a freaking break, ok? Especially since what they MEAN over at Raymond James is that if you make $30,000 per year as a librarian, marry very well, and are willing to marry well AGAIN after you retire, you'll get by just fine. But wouldn't that be the case WITHOUT Raymond James?

This almost makes me appreciate the eTrade Babies. Well ok, no it doesn't. But I don't know any other way to end this post.

The Useful Idiots are back- and this time, they've got "evidence!"

I was very skeptical about the process of drilling for Natural Gas; I thought, is it really safe? Didn't I hear something about the dangers of the process called "Fracking," or Fracturing of rock to stimulate the development of Natural Gas "wells?"

And didn't I just recently see an excellent documentary on HBO called "Gasland," which gives us interviews with people whose ground water has been permanently poisoned by natural gas drilling. Something about yellow water, brown water, water they are warned by medical professionals not to drink, water that kills kids and wildlife and turns once-fertile land into toxic waste sites- but heck, who needs water? I mean, America's insatiable energy "needs" must take precedent, right?

Still, I was very concerned- until this commercial. It's not just that this intelligent-looking woman is calmly explaining to us how Natural Gas is the answer to all those energy "needs." It's that she's quoting the New York Times, and she's doing it in that incredibly self-righteous "look, this is The Truth" tone that simply cannot be argued with.

Now, what exactly is she saying here? "The New York Times, And I Quote, (try to be a little more pretentious, lady) tell us that a technique for drilling natural gas is spreading around the world." Um, and? What does this even mean? Here are some other things that originated in the United States and spread around the world: Sugar as a staple in the everyday diet. Texting. The Spanish Flu. How exactly does "spreading around the world" translate into "It's a good thing, see?"

Oh, but it's The New York Times. The Gray Old Lady of the print media, the Bible of honest, hard-hitting and above all ACCURATE journalism. If it's in The Times, it must be so, right? I mean, when I was skeptical about Yellow Cake Uranium (even after the President told me about it- call me cynical) the Times came to my rescue and erased all my doubts. And when I allowed myself to wonder whether Saddam Hussein really did have WMDs, it was the brilliant, Just-the-Truth reporting of the New York Times which set me straight.

So if The Times tells me that Natural Gas drilling is safe and clean (though I'll give the ad men credit- this is never actually argued in the ad- it's just strongly implied that we ought to be doing it, right now, in every corner of ever state,) it Must Be So, right? I mean, the New York Times is the ultimate voice of authority in a cloudy, uncertain world, isn't it?

I think all commercials should include testimonials from The New York Times- preferably written by Judith Miller. I mean, who could argue with The Times?

eTrade- Not even trying anymore

The pathetic thing is, companies tend to save their BEST ads for the Super Bowl.

This commercial, which debuted during the Big Game, is a big, stupid pile of half-assed non-effort that doesn't even reach the usual levels of intelligence we've come to expect from our friends at Etrade. We have the baby again, with the same creepy blank eyes and deadpan boring-as-hell-get-to-the-funny summary of what Etrade does for it's customers. But the level of contempt the ad men have for their product, and especially for their viewers, reaches new heights here. The baby is constantly interrupted by- get this- a SNEEZING CAT!!

(Hi guys- John was suddenly taken ill, and he asked me to finish this blog post for him. I'm sure I know what he was gonna say, so I'll just pick up where he left off:

Oh, someone help me out here! My ribs are splitting!! I mean, I haven't been this out-of-control ROTFLMAO since the last Larry the Cable Guy monologue!! And just when I think I might be able to breathe and grab myself a tissue to wipe off the tears that have been streaming down my face....are you ready? The baby says....it says....oh God, I can barely type this I'm shaking so hard with laughter...."I TOLD you to get a Flu Shot!!"

I don't know what happened at YOUR Super Bowl party, but this was the highlight of mine. Beer and chips got spat out. Backs got slapped. The punchline was repeated over and over again. The whole room got quiet whenever Fox took a break from that boring game between those two teams- who were they, again?- because we all hoped we'd see that OMIGOD SO FUNNY commercial again.

I think these commercials are just the best. I mean, come on- nobody really wants to hear about stocks, and trading is what you do with your fantasy football team. There are a lot of places where you can go make money or whatever that deal is all about. But when you need your fix of talking babies and sneezing cats (OMIGOD as soon as I finish this I'm watching it again!) Etrade is the only game in town!

I sure hope there's a farting monkey in the next Etrade commercial. And know what would be AWESOME? If Larry the Cable guy made an appearance. He could say something like "Get'er done!" That would Rock!)

--John Jamele's teen-aged intern

1000 Ways to Destroy your Kindle

Where's the disclaimer? or Don't try this at home, or anywhere else!

I own a Kindle- this version, in fact. I love it. I take it everywhere I think I will have a chance to do some reading. It was a birthday present last August, which makes it even better because I didn't have to pay for it. However, I assume full responsibility for the way I treat my Kindle, and understand that if anything happens to it, I will have to replace it myself.

So whenever I see this commercial, I simultaneously cringe and shake my head at the utter stupidity that's on my screen. Kindles are very light, and anyone who has ever picked one up doesn't need to be told that they are quite fragile. They consist of glass and hard plastic "protecting" very sensitive, fragile electronics. So what the hell are these idiots doing with their Kindles? They are using them in very close proximity to water and sand. On gym machines and crowded subways, where one slip or bump is going to cause it to fall to the ground, where it could be stepped on and instantly destroyed. One guy gives a Kindle as a gift and doesn't even keep it in the damn box it came in- here it is, honey, as if you couldn't see what it was through the superfluous red ribbon, I've even turned it on already for you, let's check first to see if my addle-brained cluelessness didn't result in a scratched screen. And don't get me started on the guy who slips his Kindle into his back pocket- hey, great idea, buddy. Just don't forget it's there, or the first time you sit down you'll be very glad that they now sell for "only" $139.

Here's what I don't get- Amazon sells covers for Kindles. Lots of them, in different colors. They are a little pricey, but I can't imagine taking my Kindle out of the house without one. Even with a cover, I wouldn't bring it to the beach or near a pool- not until they make a waterproof cover for my version. Maybe not even then.

Is Amazon actually being so craven as to encourage people to abuse their Kindles, so that they will have to replace them faster? I'm willing to concede that three dry Cheerios won't damage the Kindle. But I can't IMAGINE letting a dog lick it. Or carrying it in a bike basket like that. Or putting it at risk of being sat on.

If Amazon isn't encouraging people to use their Kindles in a reckless manner, I just don't understand how they can responsibly misrepresent the device's portability like this. Yes, you can use your Kindle without a cover. Yes, you can carry it around with you everywhere you go, again without a cover. But please, DON'T. Unless you want to go through the hassle of buying another one, and probably sooner rather than later.

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

Where Does Breakfast Come From? from DBL DRAGON on Vimeo.

Someone, please, get this kid some parents.

A little girl too young and naive to be aware that her lower-middle class trailer trash clueless parents are doing her zero favors by getting her addicted to grease-and-salt laden "food" from the local Mickey D's asks her idiot father "where does breakfast come from?"

Dad, probably annoyed that the woman who was a Nice Girlfriend But Dammit I Told You I Wasn't Ready to Start a Family forbids him from using his cellphone while driving passes the question back to mom. And now it gets really, really stupid.

Because apparently mom has no clue where food comes from (charitably referring to what they sell at McDonald's as "food.") So she pulls some convoluted pile of BS straight out of her ass to explain what any High School graduate really ought to be able to describe in understandable terms to any kid willing to listen- some crap about Food Wizards with Magic Wands who chant spells and make gestures and Presto! There's the Magical Food, right there!

(By the way, the fact that this little kid doesn't already think that "Breakfast comes from the Refrigerator" or "Breakfast comes from the Store" gives us a pretty good idea of how often she eats at McDonalds. My guess is that she thinks milk comes from 7-11, where it lives next to dad's smokes, and money comes from CashStop.)

Having failed to make this a teachable moment by talking about farmers and cows and trucks and trains and all the hard work that goes into getting food out of the ground, and instead spinning a low-quality fairy tale which the kid will someday repeat on the playground and get mocked for, mom is confronted with another question- "where did I come from?" which mom Hil-ARIOUSLY bounces back to dad. (Don't we all hope that dad responds with a 100 percent accurate, medical description of the procedure? I mean, shouldn't at least one of these alleged "parents" refuse to play the "let's keep the kid dumber than we are, for as long as possible" game?)

Seriously, who is this ad supposed to appeal to? People too young to be carting around children? People too stupid to know that McDonalds food is fatty junk that should be kept a safe distance from youngsters (and adults, for that matter?) People who think that kids should never, ever be given an opportunity to learn anything outside of the sterile confines of a classroom?

Well, I guess that population is pretty big, so McDonalds is safe. If I were sitting at the next table, I'd have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, though. Just to be safe, I'll keep taking my coffee (the only thing McDonalds makes which is worth consuming) to go.

When the Endless Pasta Bowl just won't cut it

"We're in the mood for really fatty, greasy garbage. Who's got it?"

"Ok, now who's got that really fatty, greasy garbage in big steam troughs so we can keep going up and filling our plates over and over again, until our internal organs beg for mercy and our taste buds have committed suicide?"

"Ok, now who's got that really fatty, greasy garbage in big steam troughs for about ten bucks- pretty much cementing the notion that this is really cheap, fatty garbage and the remaining restaurant is a Denny's clone- and if you don't want ribs, you've got plenty of meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, spaghetti and all the rest of my fiber-free, artery-hating favorites?"

"Golden Corral? Yep...that's what I thought. Ok, roll me up to the booth, bring me a pitcher of iced tea and don't even THINK about bringing me the bill for at least three hours."

Gross.

(And oh, just an aside to the Child Abusing Dad in this commercial: You don't need to be hitting any All You Can Eat rib places, buddy. Do your heart a favor and limit your Endless Grazing to salad bars for a while at least, ok? I mean, make an effort to teach SOMETHING of value to those kids of yours before you drop dead from the inevitable massive coronary.)

UPS- It's not Logistics, just Pathetic

I ran through a few of these UPS ads to try to find just the right one to fit my current situation. Kind of fun to watch this company claim that it can get your package to it's destination Early Morning, no problem....or to China, no problem, "pretty standard stuff."

Delivering your package early in the morning is pretty standard stuff. So is delivering to China. However...

I ordered a purple Nick Markakis Orioles T-shirt from Football Fanatics ten days ago, in plenty of time to arrive at my parents house in Vermont for my niece's birthday party, which was this past Saturday. Except that the one-pound package was not delivered on the first attempt, on Friday, because of "Emergency Conditions Beyond UPS Control" (that's what it says on the website.)

Nor was it delivered on Monday ("Emergency Conditions Beyond UPS Control.") Nor was it delivered yesterday ("Emergency Conditions Beyond UPS Control.") Scheduled date for the next Failed But Don't Blame Us Delivery: Wednesday, February 9.

Now, the weather isn't that great in Vermont these days. Lots of snow, and my parents live on a dirt road. But these 80-year olds have been up and down that road and into the main town nearby every day since Friday- two 80-year olds driving a little Honda Accord up and down that dirt road, almost right past the UPS store. Know who else has been going up and down that dirt road into town every day since Friday (except Sunday?) The US Postal Service. Know who else? The drivers of the local school buses.

So here's an Emergency Condition Beyond UPS Control which seems to be effecting UPS exclusively. While everyone else and their little brown dog has no problem getting up and down the hill to my parents' house, UPS and their big brown truck can't seem to quite manage it. What do you call that- Logistics? How about Incompetence?

But it sure is heart-warming to know that while UPS may not be able to maneuver it's way up a dirt road in rural Vermont, it can get your package to China no problem. And it can deliver it Early Morning, if you like- as long as there are no Emergency Conditions Beyond UPS Control- like a dirt road, and snow, which don't seem to present obstacles for anyone EXCEPT UPS.

Later today, when my parents are getting their mail right on time and UPS is busy preparing another Emergency Conditions Beyond UPS Control message for me to check out when I hit "track package," I'll be reminded that some people actually think that the US Government can't do anything right, and that services like mail delivery should be privatized. Yeah, that's a great idea- if you only want to get your mail when it's 65 degrees and sunny out.

That's Logistics? No, that's crap.

What can Brown do for you? A lot, I suppose, as long as conditions are perfect. When they aren't? Hmm...not so much.