So much to hate, so little time to post. Thanks for Nothing, Sprint!

Good lord, what is going on in this commercial?

We've got what might laughingly be referred to as a "family" sitting around the table in a disturbingly bright, unnaturally clean suburban mansion-- I guess they are eating dinner, except this lifeless, pale group of zombies is clearly so drained of life that all they can do is mumble questions softly in between texting away on their stupid phones.

This is a seriously sad advertisement for Sprint's Now Network, apparently set sometime in the very near future, in which people can only communicate through Facebook posts and Tweets even when they are sitting two freaking feet away from each other. This would be downright heartbreaking, except....why would anyone want to communicate with these people AT ALL?

Husband: "you just posted on your Facebook page that your parents are moving in with us?" (The parents would be elderly people sitting at the table....either they are drunk, or this is what long-term exposure to these life-sucking dickweeds does to you...)

Wifey gives the usual "Oh don't worry, it didn't cost me anything to post that" bs which is standard for these hateful, smoking piles of excrement which pass for "commercials."

And now it gets REALLY creepy-- bloodless, Has Obviously Never Seen The Sun And Has Zero Interest In Doing So Daughter gets a tweet from mom announcing that Grandma and Grampa's corpses will be occupying daughter's room. Mommy, with all the warmth and understanding of Joan Crawford- or maybe Elly Patterson- offers to help her put together a tweet which expresses her feelings on the subject. What the HELL is going on with Mom here? Why is she acting like she's got a gun in her ribs, or is one broken dish away from painting the house with the blood of her relatives? Why do I suddenly suspect that this family does not want to know dinner's Secret Ingredient? Why do I worry that this woman has gone running for the shelter of her Mother's Little Helper just one time too many?

Sprint- why do you insist on showing as your primary customers such THOROUGHLY DISTURBED PEOPLE who are clearly SOCIOPATHS who desperately NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP? Are you telling us that only amoral sub-humans would want to use your service, or that using your service turns people into amoral sub-humans? Because based on your commercials, I can't see any Option C.

Look, guys, you've won: Based on my daily observations of life in this Year of Our Lord 2011, a large segment of the population can't find it's way out of the driveway without consulting a cell phone. I see far more texting and cellphone yakking than I do face to face conversations. See that white flag? That means we give- Society was a nice experiment while it lasted, but it's over now. We are a nation of the Walking Dead, and our number one goal is to avoid eye contact while reducing all communications to typed characters on a screen.

So why can't you be good winners, at least, and stop subjecting us to this hateful trash?

The Starting of a Brand New Debt

"Blueprint." "Split." "Chase what matters."

"We've figured out that cute buzzwords and catchphrases have the awesome ability to cloud the mind, dull the senses, and convince you that there's something radically different about this particular credit card."

"Oh, and graphics that make you think that this credit card is as fun to use as your I-Phone."

I'll admit, I don't get what Chase is trying to sell here at ALL. As near as I can tell, this is what we are being told- if you buy a cup of coffee with your Chase Sapphire Card, you may choose to pay that debt off right away "to avoid interest." (Yes, because the last thing you want to be stuck with is 9% interest on a $1.70 cup of Joe from your favorite pretentious coffee stop.) But for BIG purchases- say, a piece of rock you plan to use to seal the deal with your girlfriend- you can choose to pay monthly.

Um, ok: How is this any different from EVERY OTHER CREDIT CARD OUT THERE? Back when I used to carry a balance, I DISTINCTLY remember having the option to pay it off all at once, or monthly. I could also calculate how many months it would take to pay off the balance, and I've never even HAD a Chase Sapphire Card with Split and Blueprint and bouncing graphics! How did I manage THAT?

I also love the "available only to Chase customers" line: In other words, the "benefits" of this card (and I still can't figure out what they are) are available only to card holders. Good to know, Chase.

Since I can't for the life of me figure out how pushing imaginary buttons on a credit card makes life any easier- or debt any more manageable- maybe I should just finish up by suggesting that this guy's love interest might want to rethink the idea of marrying a guy who uses a credit card to buy a freaking cup of coffee. Because the only really GOOD way to manage debt is to STAY OUT OF IT. And one simple step in the process is to pay cash for stuff like cups of coffee. It's amazing how low the interest rate is on purchases you make with cash; these morons should give it a try.

Meanwhile, one more time! "Split!" "Blueprint!" "Chase what Matters!" Ahh, gotta love the world of advertising. All about the buzz words, all the time.

More fun from the Golden Feed Bin

For the second time in only eight days, I'm compelled to post on the disgusting, uniquely American phenomenon that is Golden Corral and it's Celebration of Gluttony Ad campaign.

I'm going to be especially mean-spirited with this one, because, come on: That woman does not need to be sitting down to a dinner of bacon-wrapped sirloin, ok? Hey lady, see that husband you are trying really hard to make a widower? See those little kids you apparently don't care to see graduate from High School? Heck, see that expanding waistline of your own? Notice how you can't even see the freaking scale anymore, let alone keep track of your expanding girth? Ever hear of the freaking Body Mass Index?

What's next? "Who's got chicken- dipped in beer batter- fried in butter and onions- wrapped in bacon and sausage links- served with all the hush puppies I can eat- for about ten dollars? 'Cause we're HUNGRY!"

Oh, and that "punchline"- what the hell?

Whale...errr, wife: "Ten Bucks??"

Husband: "That's hot!"

Talk about not even trying. I can only hope that the camera cut away before it could register the reaction of those two poor kids- embarrassed cringing, wincing, and glances around the "restaurant," praying that none of their friends see them sitting at the same table with these "witty" pigs who at least twice found each other attractive enough to engage in sexual intercourse.

(I'd also like to point out here another annoying theme in Golden Corral commercials- the insistence of the ad men in portraying a "typical family" as having a son who looks like he'll be a carbon copy of Dad, and a daughter who looks like she'll grow up to be the spitting image of Mom. I really hate that.)

Hey, maybe that's what Golden Corral's real purpose is: to create a nation of flabby, ugly thirty-somethings with so much heart damage that breeding has become out of the question. Either that or a race of human-cow hybrids with four chins and no taste buds. Take your pick. I just wish these people would get a sitter instead of passing on their self-destructive habits to the next generation.

Saving your way into the poorhouse

There are so many of these Chase Sapphire commercials, and they are all so forehead-slapping stupid, that my guess is that I will be snarking on several of them over the coming weeks. I would just hate to leave any of them out.

In this logic-twisting episode, a guy is "plagued" by his stalker/brother's confusion over the "benefit" of using a Chase Sapphire Debit Card. Seems the stalker/loser has decided to become a poster boy for the saying "a little information in the hands of an idiot is a very, very dangerous thing" and because he gets cash back on every purchase, is determined to purchase everything, including things for the object of his...err, sibling rivalry?

Yeah, this makes lots of sense. I get a couple of pennies back every time I buy something with my card? Get out of the way, I'm going to use my card to buy stuff I don't even need or want! Because it's all about getting those pennies! Not only that, but I'll feel convinced that I've pulled off some kind of coup if I can buy stuff for YOU with MY card, because haha I've nailed down those pennies for ME, sucker!

Do I really have to explain how incredibly dumb this is (especially the final scene, where the guy who has just had his gasoline purchased for him acts as if he's been bested, AGAIN?) The guy with the lightning draw with his Chase Sapphire Debit Card can follow me around anytime, ok? I'll even play along, acting irritated if not downright infuriated at his ability to beat me to the punch and pay for my purchases before I can get my own card out. Darn it, I've been cheated out of my pennies again! Here's a fist wave for ya, buddy!

(And oh, by the way, I sure HOPE you don't show up at my next stop- I'm on my way to Penny's to buy a new suit. You'd BETTER not pull this over there. I'm WARNING you!)

Seriously- why can't MY brothers be this stupid? Maybe in real life they are too busy buying hundreds of dollars worth of junk over at Best Buy in order to nail down those $10 gift cards? Maybe because they aren't the products of inbreeding (seriously, what's with the 'Dueling Banjos' bit?)

Ugh, the Stupid. It burns. Especially when it comes in the form of a glowing blue card, wielded by a clueless idiot.

Ok, here's the plan- Get married! Outlive your husband! Inherit! Get married again! Lather, Rinse, Repeat!!

This "long version" of a truly bizarre Raymond James investment commercial isn't so much insulting as it is disturbing. I can take the joke highlighted in the "short version"- a "fastidious librarian" was so careful with her money, and so wise in her choice of investment strategies (thanks to Raymond James) that when she retired and failed to die at an appropriate age (whatever that is) everything worked out fine.

The short version has her simply enjoying her retired life, engaging in all kinds of fun activities as the whole world is open to her, thanks to her never-ending portfolio income. It didn't matter that she made squat as a librarian- the meagre investments she made have blossomed into a fortune (again, thanks to the wizards at Raymond James.)

In the long version, we see the real reason why life continues to be good for the fastidious librarian. The key to her financial security is not Raymond James- it's her willingness to get married again (and again?) and her ability to find wealthy guys who want to marry her. Um, how does Raymond James manage to take credit for this?

And I'm not even going to get into the Honeymoon scene. Let's just say that's an image I wish I could wash from my brain. And that I hate you, Raymond James.

So what's my real beef with this ad? Not the differences between the short version and the long version, really. It's the conceit involved- Raymond James is actually trying to convince us that if you make $30,000 per year as a librarian but save your money carefully and invest with Raymond James, you can retire at 65 and spend the next 60-plus years gallivanting around the world having nothing but fun. Give me a freaking break, ok? Especially since what they MEAN over at Raymond James is that if you make $30,000 per year as a librarian, marry very well, and are willing to marry well AGAIN after you retire, you'll get by just fine. But wouldn't that be the case WITHOUT Raymond James?

This almost makes me appreciate the eTrade Babies. Well ok, no it doesn't. But I don't know any other way to end this post.

The Useful Idiots are back- and this time, they've got "evidence!"

I was very skeptical about the process of drilling for Natural Gas; I thought, is it really safe? Didn't I hear something about the dangers of the process called "Fracking," or Fracturing of rock to stimulate the development of Natural Gas "wells?"

And didn't I just recently see an excellent documentary on HBO called "Gasland," which gives us interviews with people whose ground water has been permanently poisoned by natural gas drilling. Something about yellow water, brown water, water they are warned by medical professionals not to drink, water that kills kids and wildlife and turns once-fertile land into toxic waste sites- but heck, who needs water? I mean, America's insatiable energy "needs" must take precedent, right?

Still, I was very concerned- until this commercial. It's not just that this intelligent-looking woman is calmly explaining to us how Natural Gas is the answer to all those energy "needs." It's that she's quoting the New York Times, and she's doing it in that incredibly self-righteous "look, this is The Truth" tone that simply cannot be argued with.

Now, what exactly is she saying here? "The New York Times, And I Quote, (try to be a little more pretentious, lady) tell us that a technique for drilling natural gas is spreading around the world." Um, and? What does this even mean? Here are some other things that originated in the United States and spread around the world: Sugar as a staple in the everyday diet. Texting. The Spanish Flu. How exactly does "spreading around the world" translate into "It's a good thing, see?"

Oh, but it's The New York Times. The Gray Old Lady of the print media, the Bible of honest, hard-hitting and above all ACCURATE journalism. If it's in The Times, it must be so, right? I mean, when I was skeptical about Yellow Cake Uranium (even after the President told me about it- call me cynical) the Times came to my rescue and erased all my doubts. And when I allowed myself to wonder whether Saddam Hussein really did have WMDs, it was the brilliant, Just-the-Truth reporting of the New York Times which set me straight.

So if The Times tells me that Natural Gas drilling is safe and clean (though I'll give the ad men credit- this is never actually argued in the ad- it's just strongly implied that we ought to be doing it, right now, in every corner of ever state,) it Must Be So, right? I mean, the New York Times is the ultimate voice of authority in a cloudy, uncertain world, isn't it?

I think all commercials should include testimonials from The New York Times- preferably written by Judith Miller. I mean, who could argue with The Times?

eTrade- Not even trying anymore

The pathetic thing is, companies tend to save their BEST ads for the Super Bowl.

This commercial, which debuted during the Big Game, is a big, stupid pile of half-assed non-effort that doesn't even reach the usual levels of intelligence we've come to expect from our friends at Etrade. We have the baby again, with the same creepy blank eyes and deadpan boring-as-hell-get-to-the-funny summary of what Etrade does for it's customers. But the level of contempt the ad men have for their product, and especially for their viewers, reaches new heights here. The baby is constantly interrupted by- get this- a SNEEZING CAT!!

(Hi guys- John was suddenly taken ill, and he asked me to finish this blog post for him. I'm sure I know what he was gonna say, so I'll just pick up where he left off:

Oh, someone help me out here! My ribs are splitting!! I mean, I haven't been this out-of-control ROTFLMAO since the last Larry the Cable Guy monologue!! And just when I think I might be able to breathe and grab myself a tissue to wipe off the tears that have been streaming down my face....are you ready? The baby says....it says....oh God, I can barely type this I'm shaking so hard with laughter...."I TOLD you to get a Flu Shot!!"

I don't know what happened at YOUR Super Bowl party, but this was the highlight of mine. Beer and chips got spat out. Backs got slapped. The punchline was repeated over and over again. The whole room got quiet whenever Fox took a break from that boring game between those two teams- who were they, again?- because we all hoped we'd see that OMIGOD SO FUNNY commercial again.

I think these commercials are just the best. I mean, come on- nobody really wants to hear about stocks, and trading is what you do with your fantasy football team. There are a lot of places where you can go make money or whatever that deal is all about. But when you need your fix of talking babies and sneezing cats (OMIGOD as soon as I finish this I'm watching it again!) Etrade is the only game in town!

I sure hope there's a farting monkey in the next Etrade commercial. And know what would be AWESOME? If Larry the Cable guy made an appearance. He could say something like "Get'er done!" That would Rock!)

--John Jamele's teen-aged intern