Put thought into your ads? No Way!

Benjamin Franklin was the first US Postmaster General, and one of the originators of the very IDEA of a United States Postal Service. I can only imagine what he'd think of this latest ad campaign for his brainchild- a witless doofus in short pants plays Bad Pun Roulette with equally witless office drones who apparently have nothing better do than to stop in their tracks and engage in witless banter with him.

There's so little to say about this garbage. It shouldn't be so hard to understand the basic premise- that the USPS wants you to use flat rate boxes to ship anything of any weight up to 70 lbs for the "same low price." Doesn't matter if it's a bouquet of tissue flowers or a bowling ball- "if it fits, it ships." Simple enough. Message received.

But apparently because all commercials these days have to include incredibly lame jokes in order to get approved by the Boys on the Board, we get "No Weigh?" bleated roughly half a dozen times in just a few seconds by everyone who works in this office. Just in case, I guess. As in- Just in Case pretty much everyone watching tv when this ad airs is a drooling, clueless dunce?

Or maybe this ad was created to provide some balance to the "Have you looked at your bill yet?" asshattery provided by Comcast. As in, "you think you hate those Comcast people? Well, check out THESE morons!"

In any case- remember this rubbish the next time a rate hike is announced. Hey, these actors aren't free, you know. They just should be.

Is this Supposed to be Depressing?

A nice middle-aged couple trying hard to enjoy their golden years finds that difficult because their twentysomething son will not move out of the house.

It's not that he's psychologically immature and not ready to leave the next, apparently; it's that he simply cannot afford a place of his own.

So his parents respond by buying their son....lottery tickets. In the hopes that he will strike it rich, and move out.

Makes it a lot easier to understand why this kid is still living at home, at least. I mean, these are supposed to be his parents. The people who were supposed to teach him the basic values of thrift, hard work, and financial independence. If their answer to "how do we get him to leave?" is buying him scratch-off tickets from the Virginia Lottery, we can only imagine what lessons this kid has actually been fed over the course of his lifetime. It's just a shame that no one ever called Child Protective Services.

Meanwhile, "parents:" This is what you've created. This kid is not going to ever leave your home, because he has no idea how to make and save money. Because he was raised by two people with modeling clay stuffed between their ears, where normal people keep their brains. So you're stuck with your worthless little monster. Just do me a favor- when you send him to 7-11 for more Scratchers, don't do it when I'm trying to get my morning cup of coffee, ok? Because I've got things to do, and there's nothing more aggravating than being stuck behind these lotto addicts as they are trying to select just the right pieces of cardboard to waste their weekly take-home on.

Kind of odd that he had this girl's number already programmed in, wasn't it?

I'm pretty much numb to the brain-deadening stupidity of these "haha check out the funny morons and their total disregard for the feelings of others" cell phone ads. So I'm going to skip over the Bag of Hammers Stupid that is the basic plot, and just make three points that go beyond the usual These People Don't Resemble Anyone I Know, Thank God punchline:

First, did the guy with the beard really lose anything when he broke up with his girlfriend? Seconds after his "friend" texts his former Significant Other, she not only accepts his invitation for a date, but proceeds to bury him with downright scary-obsessive "what took you so long" and "I'm really looking forward to our date" messages. I imagine that thirty seconds after she got the invite, she updated her Facebook Page to announce to the world that she's "in a relationship with...." Any second thoughts, New Significant Other?

Second, it's downright scary to read some of the responses to this video on YouTube. I can only hope that 99 percent of the people who post there are 8-year olds, because seriously- if this commercial leaves you ROTFLYAO, you've got serious sense of humor issues. To the guy who felt compelled to post "I s--t myself every time I see this ad," I suggest therapy. Earth to arrested development YouTube weirdos: These ads are not only Not That Funny, they are really Not Funny At All. I hope to hell that if you aren't very, very young, you are just exaggerating how much you OMIGOD LOVE commercials like this. Because other than the constant "what music is this omigod I love this music where can I find this music" postings, there's really nothing sadder than imagining a population of people who are supposed to be our future (assuming they are children- they have to be, right?) laughing at bottom of the barrel nothingness like these ads.

Third- I'll give the bearded guy a little salute for tossing his ex-girlfriend's new Official Boyfriend's phone away. I'm not sure what this accomplished, but imagining at least ONE witless knob having to live without a phone for at least a few hours until he can get to the nearest AT&T store (probably at the lodge) gives me a warm feeling. That's something, at least.

Hey, we're all pulling for you (dickweeds!)

I'm sure we can all empathize with these people and their desire to fill the vast, cavernous rooms of their suburban palaces with 10-foot couches and beds that have the acreage of some national parks. I mean, you've got to feel for people faced with the need to find some way to make football field-sized living areas featuring 30-foot ceilings with furniture that at least ATTEMPTS to take up some of this almost unlimited space.

"I want it all!?" Looks like you pretty much have it all already, you overindulged pigs with your perfect little families and matching dogs. Excuse me for not celebrating along with you as you enjoy the overstuffed furniture that couldn't make it's way through my front door without me taking a chainsaw to it- not that I'd be able to to put in anywhere without creating a maze that would confound the mouse from Flowers for Algernon.

Man, I hate these people.

Goodnight, Humility

The disgusting thing about this commercial is that for roughly 25 seconds, it seems to be a badly-needed and much-welcome farewell to conspicuous consumption-- that the idea of surrounding yourself with stupid, pointless luxuries designed only to impress people with your vast wealth is sooooo yesterday, thank goodness we have finally moved beyond it.

Just as we are letting go of our suspicion and (ok, only kidding- I never had the slightest doubt while watching this rubbish that I was about to get hit by a sledgehammer of Show Everyone You've Got Yours) are beginning to think that maybe this is a commercial with a fine message, the camera takes us outside. And we feel like we've been conned.

Because the REAL message of this nasty little pile of crud is that the days of HIDING your ability to go overboard with your spending are what is over- spending buckets of money on bells and whistles designed to impress people you don't know is alive and well. It's just gone mobile- no longer do you have to sit inside your palatial suburban estate worried that not enough people know you've managed to fill it with shiny clutter (I mean, you can only throw so many parties.) Now you can take your message of "get the fuck out of the way, and admire my utter disdain for budgeting, you plebes" on the road. Just be sure to consult your onboard GPS, change DVDs, and do all the other things made possible by your Superior Car and it's Money is Meant to be Spent owner constantly, because you never know who is trying to catch a glance at your Successmobile.

It used to be that evidence of overspending was mostly hidden behind brick walls and behind garden gates. Now it's portable, a moving billboard of excess to be marveled at by the Great Unwashed among us (you know, those of us who are just trying to pay our bills and put a little money aside here and there in the hopes of retiring someday.) Yes, this is MUCH better.

But I like the knees I have now!

The more times I see this ad, the more concerned I become about the fact that some ad men decided that it would be worth spending lots of money creating it. I was not aware that there was some epidemic of knee failure going on which would in the very near future create the need for hundreds of thousands of people to suddenly begin comparison shopping for surgeons and mechanical parts to replace the ones G-d gave us.

At first, I just smirked and thought "gee, what a waste of money. For the few people out there who actually need this surgery, there are plenty of doctors to direct them to the proper specialists. Seriously- is this information they really need from a late-night tv ad?"

Then I started thinking- maybe these guys know something we don't. Maybe years of muscle atrophy, brought on by incessant sitting and web surfing, conditioned by the gradual elimination of recess and physical exercise in school, has rendered our knees more susceptible than ever before to early failure. Perhaps as we enter our third decade of an obesity epidemic, the good people at Smith & Nephew (what the hell?) have figured out that our knees just weren't built to sustain exaggerated stress levels over long periods of time. Maybe knee replacement surgery will become the braces of the older set- something you expect to receive as a kind of Rite of Passage, as long as you can afford it. Kind of a scary thought, no?

My dad had hip replacement surgery a few years ago. According to the college of Orthopedics, approximately 193,000 such surgeries are performed every year. Are knee replacement surgeries going to become just as common in the near future? Smith and Nephew seem to be banking on it.

Anyone else find it more than a little disturbing that as Americans become less active, hip and knee replacement surgery seems to be on the rise? I don't buy the "we need new knee surgery techniques because we are so active" theme of these ads- because it's just not true. Is it that people who ARE active these days are more likely to be recovering couch potatos who have been sedentary for years and likely to overdo it and hurt themselves?

So many questions. Which I guess kind of makes this an intriguing ad, darn it. Scary, though.

Oh, Please. Grow Up!

There isn't a lot out there more tedious than watching a group of middle-aged dreamers waxing poetic about how amazingly creative and giving they are going to be as soon as they (giggle, aw aren't they the cutest?) "grow up." But here's one thing- that these middle-aged dreamers think that the people around them care to hear about their daydreams.

One guy wants to open a restaurant. One wants to travel. In another ad, a pastry chef wants to "fall in love again." In this one, an elderly banker-type wants to "teach kids." (Aside here: as a teacher, I am SO DAMNED SICK of the common implication that teaching is something that anyone can pick up whenever they get bored or tired of doing their "real" job. Hey jerkoff- when I "grow up," I want to be a CEO who is paid to sit around daydreaming about being a teacher. I'm sure I'll have no problem, looks like an easy gig, right?)

What really ticks me off about these ads is the "life starts when you retire" vibe. Sorry, but AARP or no AARP, for more and more people retirement itself is an unattainable mirage. Stagnant wages, deflated 401(k)s, mounting credit card debt- these are all realities for a growing number of middle-aged Americans, which means they are going to be holding on to their jobs and deferring their daydreams as long as they can. And when they find themselves out on the street due to downsizing or the company's bottom-line decision to hire someone half their age for half their salary....well, let's just say that their aren't a whole lot of options out there for older people these days. Just for Men is on Aisle 5.

And here's another thing- for most of these people, the things they plan to do "When they grow up" are available right now. If they make enough money to go on vacation when they retire, they have jobs that give them vacation time RIGHT NOW. If they want to work with kids, that's great- thousands of full-time workers find time to volunteer RIGHT NOW. Fixing up old houses is something you could be doing on the weekends- lots of people out there need assistance like that RIGHT NOW. What's this "life is for when you are done working" crap? When I hear people talk about what they are going to do when they have time, what I hear is people making excuses for not doing things.

(Another Aside, to the guy who sees a young man playing guitar to ply coins from passer-bys and is inspired not to open his wallet but to announce "I'm going to start a band:" Please, just Don't.)

Here's what you are going to do when you "Grow Up:" you're going to ache. You're going to get up very early and spend three hours reading the newspaper and doing the crossword puzzle. You're going to watch a lot of television. You're going to eat breakfast at 7, lunch at 11, dinner at 4, and be in bed by 7. And that's if you really were successful at socking your money away and retiring on your own terms.

As someone who is (G-d Willing) still 20 years from retirement and who doesn't waste one moment of the day imagining what I'm going to do "when I grow up," I strongly advise these dopes to enjoy life to the best of their ability NOW, rather than waste time and energy imagining some Nirvana awaiting them in the future. Perhaps youth IS wasted on the wrong people, but that's the way it is. We go this way but once, and deferring dreams until you are too old to make good on them is at best a waste, and at worst a tragedy.