Another "Just for Fun" Classic Ad

Ah, the seventies- when colors were garish and washed-out, paisley and wide collars were in, and canned dog food ads were scheduled in prime time during "The Six Million Dollar Man" and "Fantasy Island."

When men could say things like "Why isn't the dog getting Alpo?" in a mildly threatening, accusatory tone, and not get smacked down by a sharp-tongued, far-more-intelligent female who with an eye roll and a "why do I bother you're so damned stupid" retort that puts the guy back in his place in roughly 1.3 seconds.

When it was perfectly plausible to see allegedly heterosexual men carefully explain how their preferred brand of dog food contains slightly more beef by-product than the Brand X the Silly Little Woman Who Doesn't Know Any Better bought. (Of course, we still have commercials like this today- guys cavorting with their dogs and explain why Beniful With Real Animal Parts is chock full of all the yummy things Daddy's Bestest Friend Weally Weally Loves. Ugh.)

And when commercials could end with Silly Little Woman saying something like "you're so smart!" I mean, can you even IMAGINE hearing a woman say those things in a commercial nowadays? PLEASE!! Men have been downright dangerous/stupid bags of rocks in ads since at least the late-80s! If this commercial was remade today, it would end with the female stepping in to save the dog from being accidentally poisoned, set on fire, or otherwise eliminated by the Big Male Moron whose best intentions leave death and destruction in his wake.

BTW, think this over: No matter how well that dog ate in real life, it's dead now, and has been dead for a long, long time. Also- was this dog really named "Alpo?" Seems odd to me. But then- it WAS the Seventies.

It's Not Funny, How we don't Talk Anymore

These commercials would be mildly amusing if we didn't know that the situations depicted are the future according to cell phone companies. This is what they want- nobody actually interacting except through their phones, much more texting than talking, the bastardization of the English language into a dumbed-down version more "suitable" for texting (George Orwell's Newspeak coming to a home near you, before you know it, and don't even try to fight back against it,) and anyone who complains being painted as the shrewish harpy who Just Doesn't Get It.

We're used to the kids being total "Oh fuck off, mom, I'm busy" dickweeds, so that's not really all that "funny" anymore. But what could be MORE ROTFLMAO than GRANDMA texting away and talking back to her daughter in teenspeak? (I couldn't bring myself to read the YouTube comments. I'm sure this commercial is EPIC with that crowd.)

So take a good look at your future, America: Everyone you know, bent over their cell phones, texting away and acting really annoyed and put-out should you make any effort in engaging them in conversation. The Big Phone Bill excuse is no longer a valid reason to try to steer your family from something other than using their damned phones (oh the horror!) because our Helpful Phone Companies now provide Unlimited Talk and Text. So it's all on you- if you question the need to play with these little toys constantly, you're going to have to be the Big Heavy, discussing lame things like Family Time and Addictive Behavior. What a bring down. Be prepared to have your status as your son's 1,178th Facebook Friend threatened.

Yes, we have seen the future. And man, is it ugly. But at least it doesn't come with a big phone bill.

Put thought into your ads? No Way!

Benjamin Franklin was the first US Postmaster General, and one of the originators of the very IDEA of a United States Postal Service. I can only imagine what he'd think of this latest ad campaign for his brainchild- a witless doofus in short pants plays Bad Pun Roulette with equally witless office drones who apparently have nothing better do than to stop in their tracks and engage in witless banter with him.

There's so little to say about this garbage. It shouldn't be so hard to understand the basic premise- that the USPS wants you to use flat rate boxes to ship anything of any weight up to 70 lbs for the "same low price." Doesn't matter if it's a bouquet of tissue flowers or a bowling ball- "if it fits, it ships." Simple enough. Message received.

But apparently because all commercials these days have to include incredibly lame jokes in order to get approved by the Boys on the Board, we get "No Weigh?" bleated roughly half a dozen times in just a few seconds by everyone who works in this office. Just in case, I guess. As in- Just in Case pretty much everyone watching tv when this ad airs is a drooling, clueless dunce?

Or maybe this ad was created to provide some balance to the "Have you looked at your bill yet?" asshattery provided by Comcast. As in, "you think you hate those Comcast people? Well, check out THESE morons!"

In any case- remember this rubbish the next time a rate hike is announced. Hey, these actors aren't free, you know. They just should be.

Is this Supposed to be Depressing?

A nice middle-aged couple trying hard to enjoy their golden years finds that difficult because their twentysomething son will not move out of the house.

It's not that he's psychologically immature and not ready to leave the next, apparently; it's that he simply cannot afford a place of his own.

So his parents respond by buying their son....lottery tickets. In the hopes that he will strike it rich, and move out.

Makes it a lot easier to understand why this kid is still living at home, at least. I mean, these are supposed to be his parents. The people who were supposed to teach him the basic values of thrift, hard work, and financial independence. If their answer to "how do we get him to leave?" is buying him scratch-off tickets from the Virginia Lottery, we can only imagine what lessons this kid has actually been fed over the course of his lifetime. It's just a shame that no one ever called Child Protective Services.

Meanwhile, "parents:" This is what you've created. This kid is not going to ever leave your home, because he has no idea how to make and save money. Because he was raised by two people with modeling clay stuffed between their ears, where normal people keep their brains. So you're stuck with your worthless little monster. Just do me a favor- when you send him to 7-11 for more Scratchers, don't do it when I'm trying to get my morning cup of coffee, ok? Because I've got things to do, and there's nothing more aggravating than being stuck behind these lotto addicts as they are trying to select just the right pieces of cardboard to waste their weekly take-home on.

Kind of odd that he had this girl's number already programmed in, wasn't it?

I'm pretty much numb to the brain-deadening stupidity of these "haha check out the funny morons and their total disregard for the feelings of others" cell phone ads. So I'm going to skip over the Bag of Hammers Stupid that is the basic plot, and just make three points that go beyond the usual These People Don't Resemble Anyone I Know, Thank God punchline:

First, did the guy with the beard really lose anything when he broke up with his girlfriend? Seconds after his "friend" texts his former Significant Other, she not only accepts his invitation for a date, but proceeds to bury him with downright scary-obsessive "what took you so long" and "I'm really looking forward to our date" messages. I imagine that thirty seconds after she got the invite, she updated her Facebook Page to announce to the world that she's "in a relationship with...." Any second thoughts, New Significant Other?

Second, it's downright scary to read some of the responses to this video on YouTube. I can only hope that 99 percent of the people who post there are 8-year olds, because seriously- if this commercial leaves you ROTFLYAO, you've got serious sense of humor issues. To the guy who felt compelled to post "I s--t myself every time I see this ad," I suggest therapy. Earth to arrested development YouTube weirdos: These ads are not only Not That Funny, they are really Not Funny At All. I hope to hell that if you aren't very, very young, you are just exaggerating how much you OMIGOD LOVE commercials like this. Because other than the constant "what music is this omigod I love this music where can I find this music" postings, there's really nothing sadder than imagining a population of people who are supposed to be our future (assuming they are children- they have to be, right?) laughing at bottom of the barrel nothingness like these ads.

Third- I'll give the bearded guy a little salute for tossing his ex-girlfriend's new Official Boyfriend's phone away. I'm not sure what this accomplished, but imagining at least ONE witless knob having to live without a phone for at least a few hours until he can get to the nearest AT&T store (probably at the lodge) gives me a warm feeling. That's something, at least.

Hey, we're all pulling for you (dickweeds!)

I'm sure we can all empathize with these people and their desire to fill the vast, cavernous rooms of their suburban palaces with 10-foot couches and beds that have the acreage of some national parks. I mean, you've got to feel for people faced with the need to find some way to make football field-sized living areas featuring 30-foot ceilings with furniture that at least ATTEMPTS to take up some of this almost unlimited space.

"I want it all!?" Looks like you pretty much have it all already, you overindulged pigs with your perfect little families and matching dogs. Excuse me for not celebrating along with you as you enjoy the overstuffed furniture that couldn't make it's way through my front door without me taking a chainsaw to it- not that I'd be able to to put in anywhere without creating a maze that would confound the mouse from Flowers for Algernon.

Man, I hate these people.

Goodnight, Humility

The disgusting thing about this commercial is that for roughly 25 seconds, it seems to be a badly-needed and much-welcome farewell to conspicuous consumption-- that the idea of surrounding yourself with stupid, pointless luxuries designed only to impress people with your vast wealth is sooooo yesterday, thank goodness we have finally moved beyond it.

Just as we are letting go of our suspicion and (ok, only kidding- I never had the slightest doubt while watching this rubbish that I was about to get hit by a sledgehammer of Show Everyone You've Got Yours) are beginning to think that maybe this is a commercial with a fine message, the camera takes us outside. And we feel like we've been conned.

Because the REAL message of this nasty little pile of crud is that the days of HIDING your ability to go overboard with your spending are what is over- spending buckets of money on bells and whistles designed to impress people you don't know is alive and well. It's just gone mobile- no longer do you have to sit inside your palatial suburban estate worried that not enough people know you've managed to fill it with shiny clutter (I mean, you can only throw so many parties.) Now you can take your message of "get the fuck out of the way, and admire my utter disdain for budgeting, you plebes" on the road. Just be sure to consult your onboard GPS, change DVDs, and do all the other things made possible by your Superior Car and it's Money is Meant to be Spent owner constantly, because you never know who is trying to catch a glance at your Successmobile.

It used to be that evidence of overspending was mostly hidden behind brick walls and behind garden gates. Now it's portable, a moving billboard of excess to be marveled at by the Great Unwashed among us (you know, those of us who are just trying to pay our bills and put a little money aside here and there in the hopes of retiring someday.) Yes, this is MUCH better.