Why I don't watch the Superbowl live, ever

I simply cannot believe that this obnoxious, ugly, hateful pile of stupid was actually among the highest-rated Superbowl ads this year.

Oh wait- this is the United States in the year 2011. This is a nation of cell-phone addicts and forty year old "men" who take fantasy football and baseball so seriously that there are entire magazines and ESPN radio shows devoted to the subject. This is a nation of weirdos who spend hours singing along with digital rock bands on their plasma tvs, when they aren't blowing away "the enemy" with plastic controllers and single-handedly making the world safe for--well, whoever. Fellow losers, I guess.

So I really shouldn't be surprised that one of this year's Most Popular Super Bowl Commercials features a disgustingly clueless jackass determined to expend enormous amounts of energy to get his girlfriend's dog to slam himself into a screen door. A disgustingly pointless pile of mucus poured into a pair of jeans which somehow found itself a hot girlfriend, whose only response to the mentally challenged drek she inexplicably refers to as "babe" is to ask "please don't tease my dog." (Naturally, fuckface pays no mind- after all, who could possibly resist the opportunity to hurt a dog?)

I guess I'm mildly surprised when the commercial ends with the dog unhurt- after all, if the PROSPECT of a dog breaking it's nose on a door is hysterical, wouldn't the actual event be totally ROTFLMAO side-splitting? But I'm not at all taken aback by the non-punchline from Good Lord Why Does This Dipshit Have A Girlfriend At All She Must Have Serious Self-Esteem Issues Bag of Rocks Please Die Now Dickwad. After all, I've seen a LOT of commercials. It takes a lot more than this to throw me.

Oh and BTW, the commercial is for Doritos. Does that matter? Does anyone care or remember after this horrible thirty seconds?

This channel is just a gift that keeps on giving!

This is why Retro TV is so awesome- half the commercials are aimed at people who owe thousands of dollars in credit card bills or are way behind in their income tax payments, and the other half is for totally pointless, unnecessary gadgets which sucker the gullible into getting themselves even deeper in debt. In other words, all of these commercials are aimed at the SAME GROUP OF PEOPLE.

While watching MST3K knock-off Chiller Drive In Theater (no, it's not that I have no life- I just have schoolwork to do this weekend, ok? Back Off!) I've seen commercials urging us to order our own Home Banana Trees (because we all know how expensive store-bought bananas are,) Eggies (because we all know how virtually IMPOSSIBLE it is to boil eggs) and Snuggies (don't even get me started.) Last night I caught this winner for a counterfeit money detector which just left me shaking my head and thinking "damn, why didn't I think of that? Oh, that's right- because I have a conscience, damn it all!"

Here's how it "works:" People who don't have any money to begin with take out their credit cards and call the toll-free number. Within a few minutes, they've not only ordered their Money Cop Counterfeit Detector, but (I have no doubt) they've also been talked into buying a plastic magnifier and a Silk-Like case for the Money Cop, Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling. And a few weeks later, they get a piece of plastic which requires a AAA battery to operate it's tiny bulb and beeper. Now you can check out those $20 bills before you head off to 7-11 to exchange them for Lottery Tickets.

Just a few unanswered questions:

Why does the average person watching Chiller Drive In Theater need to check $20 bills to make sure they are not counterfeits? Is there really an epidemic of counterfeiting going on that I haven't been made aware of?

If you run a business or work in a bank and you are concerned about Counterfeiting, aren't there already devices out there which actually detect fraudulent bills which have been certified by some government agency as being accurate and dependable? Do you really need to look to some cheap junk being peddled on late-night tv to find the answer to your concerns?

Is it safe to assume that the company that makes this device is the same one that makes those boxes that you plug into outlets to scare rodents and roaches away? Or the oddly similar boxes which stop dogs from barking? Or the ones that detect dangerous levels of Kryptonite? Or the ones which beep every five minutes that the allergen levels in your home are in the "acceptable" range?

Is it too late for me to get in on this scam? Because I could have another talk with my conscience, one that involves a closer look at my rather skimpy retirement account.

When you can't take your eye off the UPS guy, that's Logistics?

I can't be the only person out there who finds this commercial more than just a little bit creepy.

As usual, we've got "employees" (I put that in quotation marks, because the term usually means "workers," and we see absolutely no work being done by either of these guys) just passing the time sitting at their desks, not even pretending to be productive in the slightest. One them is even in the "hands behind head, feet up, exaggerated I've Got Absolutely Nothing To Do And No Concern That The Boss Will Be Walking Past Anytime Soon" pose. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here we have two stellar examples of the Most Productive Workforce on the Planet.

Mr. Relaxed is SO comfortable, in fact, that he's willing to admit that he's daydreaming about the UPS guy. "You see Ben, I see Logistics" he muses. If his friend knew he was seeing "logistics" in slow motion, I think he might request a new desk location.

Meanwhile, the only guy in the ad doing any work at all- the poor On Display UPS guy, acknowledges that he's well aware that he's been ogled throughout the entire ad with a smile and "see you tomorrow, guys." Like a female secretary of the 1950s, he knows that being admired and commented on from afar by better-paid men as they sit on their fat duffs is just part of the job. Don't despair, Ben. In this progressive nation, it's only a matter of time before the law forces guys like this to afford you the treatment you deserve; it's only a matter of time before these guys are dragged into sensitivity classes to be told that you are NOT some shiny trinket to be gawked at whenever you show up with your package (sorry, couldn't resist.)

Back on point, however- this guy looks at Ben, and sees "logistics." Ben looks back, and sees "witless, lazy slacker- no wonder this business can't keep up with China." I don't quite get how "logistics" is the cure for workers who would rather daydream than work, but I'm no economics expert.

Where Fools and their Money Part Ways

Is your credit a little less than perfect? Is the fun, exciting and PROFITABLE world of computing closed to you because you can't get the financing you need to purchase one of these VERY EXPENSIVE items? Think that just because your name isn't Rockefeller or Vanderbilt, and just because you've defaulted on a credit card here and there and missed a rent payment or two that you are unfairly locked out of the internet forever?

Well think again, and welcome to Tronix Country!! If you've got a bank account (and are willing to give us the access number) and can afford easy payments of only $29.95 a month (and aren't smart enough to do simple math, which would reveal that if you just SAVED that money for six months you'd be able to BUY a nice laptop with CASH,) we'll hook you up with your very own laptop!

Imagine how much your life would improve if only you had one of these awesome wireless (wires not included!) laptops! You could:

Start your own business (as if anyone with your pathetic money and math skills could run a lemonade stand for more than fifteen minutes!)

Look at Porn!

Email friends!

Buy more stuff you can't afford from the endless array of shopping sites out there!

Look at Porn!

Chat with strangers and make plans to meet in dark alleys and out of the way motel parking lots!

Check baseball and football scores!

Look at Porn!

Watch your waistline expand as you spend more and more of your "life" in front of your Awesome New Wireless Laptop!

Read angry missives from the posters at RipOffReport.com concerning scams like Tronix Country and wish you had done so before falling for this ad!

Did we mention Porn?

So don't hesitate! Don't think! (We mean it- really, DON'T think!) Sign up now and we'll send that Wireless Laptop out to you right away- well, actually, right after we've collected several months worth of payments! And two years from now, when you are done paying upwards of $2500 for your $699 laptop, we'll send you a pile of crap---err, I mean, awesome gifts- like a $50 printer, and a $200 cheap knock-off that looks like a nice tv! We may even stop sucking your bank account dry at that point- maybe we'll be in bankruptcy! Hey, it happened to our friends at Blue Hippo!

So what are you waiting for? Don't let a bad credit rating hold you back, and don't give Rent A Center and the State Lotto ALL your money! Come on over to Tronix Country, where economically illiterate people are hooked up with massively overpriced computers every day!

Another "Just for Fun" Classic Ad

Ah, the seventies- when colors were garish and washed-out, paisley and wide collars were in, and canned dog food ads were scheduled in prime time during "The Six Million Dollar Man" and "Fantasy Island."

When men could say things like "Why isn't the dog getting Alpo?" in a mildly threatening, accusatory tone, and not get smacked down by a sharp-tongued, far-more-intelligent female who with an eye roll and a "why do I bother you're so damned stupid" retort that puts the guy back in his place in roughly 1.3 seconds.

When it was perfectly plausible to see allegedly heterosexual men carefully explain how their preferred brand of dog food contains slightly more beef by-product than the Brand X the Silly Little Woman Who Doesn't Know Any Better bought. (Of course, we still have commercials like this today- guys cavorting with their dogs and explain why Beniful With Real Animal Parts is chock full of all the yummy things Daddy's Bestest Friend Weally Weally Loves. Ugh.)

And when commercials could end with Silly Little Woman saying something like "you're so smart!" I mean, can you even IMAGINE hearing a woman say those things in a commercial nowadays? PLEASE!! Men have been downright dangerous/stupid bags of rocks in ads since at least the late-80s! If this commercial was remade today, it would end with the female stepping in to save the dog from being accidentally poisoned, set on fire, or otherwise eliminated by the Big Male Moron whose best intentions leave death and destruction in his wake.

BTW, think this over: No matter how well that dog ate in real life, it's dead now, and has been dead for a long, long time. Also- was this dog really named "Alpo?" Seems odd to me. But then- it WAS the Seventies.

It's Not Funny, How we don't Talk Anymore

These commercials would be mildly amusing if we didn't know that the situations depicted are the future according to cell phone companies. This is what they want- nobody actually interacting except through their phones, much more texting than talking, the bastardization of the English language into a dumbed-down version more "suitable" for texting (George Orwell's Newspeak coming to a home near you, before you know it, and don't even try to fight back against it,) and anyone who complains being painted as the shrewish harpy who Just Doesn't Get It.

We're used to the kids being total "Oh fuck off, mom, I'm busy" dickweeds, so that's not really all that "funny" anymore. But what could be MORE ROTFLMAO than GRANDMA texting away and talking back to her daughter in teenspeak? (I couldn't bring myself to read the YouTube comments. I'm sure this commercial is EPIC with that crowd.)

So take a good look at your future, America: Everyone you know, bent over their cell phones, texting away and acting really annoyed and put-out should you make any effort in engaging them in conversation. The Big Phone Bill excuse is no longer a valid reason to try to steer your family from something other than using their damned phones (oh the horror!) because our Helpful Phone Companies now provide Unlimited Talk and Text. So it's all on you- if you question the need to play with these little toys constantly, you're going to have to be the Big Heavy, discussing lame things like Family Time and Addictive Behavior. What a bring down. Be prepared to have your status as your son's 1,178th Facebook Friend threatened.

Yes, we have seen the future. And man, is it ugly. But at least it doesn't come with a big phone bill.

Put thought into your ads? No Way!

Benjamin Franklin was the first US Postmaster General, and one of the originators of the very IDEA of a United States Postal Service. I can only imagine what he'd think of this latest ad campaign for his brainchild- a witless doofus in short pants plays Bad Pun Roulette with equally witless office drones who apparently have nothing better do than to stop in their tracks and engage in witless banter with him.

There's so little to say about this garbage. It shouldn't be so hard to understand the basic premise- that the USPS wants you to use flat rate boxes to ship anything of any weight up to 70 lbs for the "same low price." Doesn't matter if it's a bouquet of tissue flowers or a bowling ball- "if it fits, it ships." Simple enough. Message received.

But apparently because all commercials these days have to include incredibly lame jokes in order to get approved by the Boys on the Board, we get "No Weigh?" bleated roughly half a dozen times in just a few seconds by everyone who works in this office. Just in case, I guess. As in- Just in Case pretty much everyone watching tv when this ad airs is a drooling, clueless dunce?

Or maybe this ad was created to provide some balance to the "Have you looked at your bill yet?" asshattery provided by Comcast. As in, "you think you hate those Comcast people? Well, check out THESE morons!"

In any case- remember this rubbish the next time a rate hike is announced. Hey, these actors aren't free, you know. They just should be.