I can't believe a mere asteroid was powerful enough to wipe these things out

"It slices! It dices! Look at that tomato!
You can even cut a tin can with it, but you wouldn't want to!"

--Weird Al Yankovic, "Mr Popeil"

Here's another ad for a little piece of garbage I really wish I had the guts, know-how and lack of conscience to have invented and marketed myself. Oh, and I guess I should include in my list of inadequacies a little something called chutzpah- I mean, what could be more important to someone willing to slap a fancy name, a list of glowing attributes and an incredibly inflated price to a rope made out of rubber?

First, the fancy name- "Raptor Strap." Seriously, that's just awesome. Not only does the name "Raptor Strap" just scream strength and dependability (what is stronger and more dependable than an extinct dinosaur?) but the claim implied is also one hundred percent non-confirmable (is this product REALLY as strong as a Raptor? Well, if you disagree, go find me a Raptor, and let's compare. Oh, they haven't existed on the planet for a hundred million years? Well, that's YOUR problem, isn't it, buddy?)

Second, the logo- also awesome. That's one angry, confident-looking dinosaur there, holding a Raptor Strap as if he's ready to take on the largely unsecured, unfastened world on his own. Wouldn't you like to be as boldly ready to bind stuff to other stuff as this guy is? Well, there's only one product that can make that happen. And it's only available from this TV offer.

Third, check out all these awesome things you can do with your Not a Bungee Cord- you can secure things to posts! You can throw them over cars without permanently blinding your friends with iron hooks (Bungee Cords kill and injure THOUSANDS every year, you know! A Raptor told me so!) You can use them to walk your dog (did you know that every year, THOUSANDS of dogs chew through ordinary leashes, dash across streets, and get eaten by Raptors?)

Third, the price. Not much, as long as you are willing to forget that THIS IS A PIECE OF RUBBER WITH HOLES IN IT. And that's always the trick in these commercials- no matter how obviously stupid the product is, that stupidity can be disguised by a low price and AWESOME SPECIAL EXTRAS INCLUDED AT NO EXTRA COST JUST PAY SEPARATE SHIPPING AND HANDLING!! Because in our gullible little world, crap may not be worth the price tag it carries, but multiply that crap several times, and add some different crap, and suddenly it's a Must Have Once In a Lifetime Order Right Now Opportunity that Must Not Be Missed At Any Cost.

After all, remember that time your best friend was blinded by the lethal iron hook of a bungee cord?

History Just Isn't what it used to be

Check out these commercials for The History Channel. The first is from 1996, when the History Channel was devoted to...well, history. Lots of World War II footage. Lots of documentaries- "Hitler's Madness," "The Luftwaffe," "Dogfights of the RAF," etc. etc. A few harmless, silly pseudo-documentaries like "The Salem Witch Trials" and "The Prophecies of Nostradamus." But for the most part, real history, presented by real historians, in an easy-to-digest format.

Now check out the commercial for The History Channel, 2011 version. If you dare.

I say "if you dare" because if you care about history at all, this is really, really sad. Ancient Aliens. American Pickers. Alligator Torturers (that's not what the show is called, but it might as well be.) Ice Road Truckers. Pawn Stars. And what any of this has to do with history is totally beyond me.

This isn't a "history channel" anymore. It's a clearing house for reality tv crap rejected by STARZ, TNT, and the USA Network. It's audience must be 100 percent different now compared to the 1990s-- I hate to be a snob, but this really is nothing more than trailer trash television- lots of explosions, falling trees, loud trucks, animal abuse, and huge hairy, dirty men yelling "WOO HOO" every few minutes. I mean, come on- this crap makes "MythBusters" seem highbrow.

Here's a tip for the people currently running what used to be The History Channel into the ground: nobody wants to you try to "make history." I think the original idea was for you to examine history and present it in an entertaining manner. For more than a decade, you managed to do this fairly well. But for whatever reason ( I suspect money, you penny-pinching cretins) you've decided that the word "History" basically means whatever you want it to mean, be it "Watching guys cut through 1000-year old trees" or "check out the awesome big truck as it crashes through the ice for the 900th time." Whatever the reason, the result is just another channel devoted to Junk TV.

This is the second time I've ripped into the "History" Channel, and probably not the last, because G-d knows the people who ruined what used to be a very good reason to purchase cable deserve it. My guess is that they've received plenty of complaints, but their response has been to come up with more new crap and to run American Pickers marathons. In other words, to give the finger to real fans of History. So here's mine, right back at you, you channel-wrecking dicks.

So....men don't buy toilet tissue?

Why are television commercials still locked into some fairy tale version of the 1950s? Here we have a crowd of women (and ONLY women) discussing something "nobody wants to talk about." "It's time to be honest about what goes on in the bathroom," one of them tells us.

Ok, stop right there. First, who is being "dishonest" about what is "going on in the bathroom?" Second, no, we really don't. There's this nice little theory that "some things are better left unsaid." Fits here.

There's a lot of crap about how Quilted Northern (I don't know why, but that name just strikes me as so funny- no matter how thick and soft your toilet paper is, would you ever really describe it as "Quilted?" And why "Northern?" Is this stuff being produced in a textile factory in Lowell, Massachusetts? I hardly think so.) But I don't pay much attention to it, because I can't get past the idea that in the United States, in 2011, only WOMEN are qualified to talk about "bath tissue" (snigger.) I suppose that's because women, in the United States, in 2011, still do all the shopping and are the only people who have time to even think about stuff like "what's really going on in the bathroom."

Men, you see, are too busy managing their stock portfolios, working their Blackberries and waiting for the mountains on their beer cans to turn blue. It's not that bathroom tissue isn't important - it's just not within the American male's Sphere of Influence. Get it?

Yeah, I get it. It's 2011 on the calendar, but it's still 1955 on television, and apparently it always will be. I'd just like to know what Quilted Northern expects a single guy like me, who must make non-Male choices like which bathroom tissue to purchase all the time, is supposed to do, without a Tissue-Expert Woman around to steer him in the right direction.

Hey, Marcel- GET A LIFE!!

The body of Marcel, 29, was found by police responding to calls from neighbors complaining about the stench coming from his apartment. According to forensic reports, the estimated time of death was roughly three months ago- however, both lab techs and former friends agree that Marcel had ceased living some time before.

People who knew Marcel best suggest that the death was a slow and painless one, beginning sometime last year, when Marcel opted to purchase a new plan from AT&T which allowed him to view four channels at once. "Marcel was always a couch potato," commented Jan Smith, 28, who identified herself as a former Facebook friend. "But he was not completely averse to going outside from time to time, until he got this damned 'service.' After that, if you wanted to find Marcel, you knew where to look- right there on the couch."

"I think we started to lose Marcel last year" agreed Bob Cobbs, a former college roommate of the deceased. "He used to hang out with us in the park, or the local bar. Then he started to show up less and less. Something about not being able to tear himself away from his television.

"A few of us talked about maybe staging an intervention- I texted a few people about it, and mentioned it on my Facebook page, but didn't get much response. I guess we could have done more. You always think you're going to have time, you know?"

A neighbor who asked not to be identified admitted to ignoring the classic warning signs- Chinese take-out menus piling up on Marcel's porch, the glow of the TV visible all night, every night- but defended his inaction by telling this reporter "hey, you know, I've got a life of my own- you try to help people, but in the end, they gotta WANT to get better, right?"

Marcel is survived by people with lives, and is mourned by his cable company, which considered Marcel a model customer and an inspiration to be emulated by "everyone who expects nothing but the best from their television viewing experience," according to an AT&T spokesperson.

When you care enough to save the very most

As long as we are shopping for tires on CheapTires.com, here are some more ideas for people who think that safety is a good idea, but saving money is even better:

1. UsedParachutes.com-- parachutes in Practically Mint Condition. You can get great discounts if you don't need your parachute to be absolutely free of wear and tear.

2. SecondHandSeatbeltsandairbags.com- because seriously, what are the odds you are ever going to be in an accident anyway? Think of the savings! And while we're at it

3. LovinglyDentedCarSeats.com- sure they've been knocked around a bit, but your kids will never notice!

4. PracticallyFreshMilk.com-- Expiration Dates are great, if your name happens to be Rockefeller or Vanderbilt. But if you are a penny-conscious consumer who is planning on adding syrup or using it for cereal anyway, why not give this (banned in 38 states) product a try?

5. ResoldContacts.com-- Why pay $20 or more for a box of "fresh" contact lenses when we've got your prescription right here on our overstocked shelves? Take advantage of the economic downturn and visit what some of our customers are calling the "Pawn Shop for Eye Care." Returns are no problem!

After all, if you want a deep discount on something you'll be trusting your life to on a daily basis, what WON'T you risk to save a few bucks, you penny-wise, pound-foolish weirdo?

Chip off the Old Lard Block

The "children acting like adults" meme is very popular among ad agencies. In fact, "anyone other than adults acting like adults" is a real favorite, regardless of the product being pitched. Babies talking stock trades, dogs fretting over how to best protect that bone for future consumption, preteens discussing "value" while consuming piles of warm fat as their proud "parents" (using that term very loosely) look on appreciatively....

Come to think of it, the only device that seems to be more popular than "non-adults acting like adults" is "adults acting like non-adults." Something to think about.

Anyway, here's yet another repulsive commercial for my new favorite punching-bag of a "restaurant," Cici's. Two little boys are reading their assigned scripts, which require them to sing the praises of teaching "value" to the Little Ones. In their bizarro world, "value" means getting your kids hooked on cheap, lard-encrusted, artery-clogging junk because hey, its all you can eat and very easy on the wallet. What a super life lesson- it's all about Quantity, not Quality, my boy! Never sit down at a restaurant where you have to spend more than the equivalent of a gallon of gasoline to stuff yourself senseless, even if that means that you'll be filling up with garbage that does nothing good for your long-term health.

The two "parents" (other than the fact that one of these guys apparently drove the kids to the feed barn, I don't really see a lot of "parenting" here) are delighted to see that their destructive eating habits have been successfully passed down to the next generation of trailer trash. By the time Dad's mobility is limited by his enormous gut and breathing issues, Son will be well on his way to sharing in the same fate. Heck, by then Dad may have a few Soon to Be Enormous grandkiddies to cart off to Cicis in the family SUV. And won't that be lovely?

For as long as it lasts, at least. I can't imagine that the average life span for regular Cicis customers is much over 55. I can imagine that life stops being very enjoyable for Cicis regulars long before that.

Big House, No Life

What is this guy's deal, exactly? I mean, he seems completely incapable of watching this stupid, violent, immature nub of a movie (or is it a video game? I really don't care) for more than a few seconds at a time without pausing the "action" and moving to another room- why? He doesn't actually DO anything at his new location, except lean up against a chair to continue watching what I guess are robots pound the crap out of each other. I can't see any purpose at all for his constant moving around, unless it's to indulge his Restless Leg Syndrome.

And why would anyone want to pause the "action" in this film anyway? It's just the same crap over and over again- two robots (?- again, don't mistake me for someone searching for information here, I really don't care) smashing each other and everything in sight- what does this guy think he's going to miss if he just lets the damn mess play itself out? Hey buddy- this ain't exactly James Mason reciting Shakespeare. The idea that he's actually concerned he's going to miss one moment of this pointless violence is kind of disturbing.

And here's the best part- when he pauses this drivel for the last time, he heads upstairs to his bedroom and hits the play button- and there's this girl right there, in bed, behind him as he sits his zombie ass down (blocking her view of the tv) for what we can only suspect is another six seconds of viewing before he gets up and moves on to the next room. This means that he's got the movie on every screen in the house, including the one this girl has been watching- and he's been pausing it, again and again, with total disregard for the fact that this girl has been watching the loud mess all along? Talk about asserting one's dominance over the house- "I've got the remote, baby. And this is what I want to watch, and I'll pause it when it conveniences me. You don't like it? Well, who the hell asked you?"

Anyone else get the sense that A) if this guy had twenty televisions in twenty separate rooms, he would never stop strolling around and hitting those "pause" and "play" buttons, B) that remote is symbolic of this guy's determination to control everything that goes on in his house, and C) the relationship between this guy and the blurry afterthought of a woman in the background needs some serious work that can only get underway when this guy finally finds the OFF button?

Meahwhile- hey, buddy? This is what they mean when they talk about abusing technology. Just because you CAN pause films constantly and then resume watching in other rooms doesn't mean you HAVE to. Maybe it's NOT all that necessary for your home to consume more energy than your average small town just so you can keep watching robots throw themselves around as you stroll about your suburban palace. Just a thought.