The Death of Shame

I really thought I had seen it all when, twenty years ago, I saw Desert Storm Commemorative Plates being hawked on late night tv. Then, about ten years later, I again thought the bottom had been reached with the "layered in 24 carat gold" coin featuring the majestic image of the lost Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, "majestically rising from the surface of the coin with the press of the thumb."

Repulsive, but with a silver lining- it couldn't get any worse, right?

Wrong.

Here's "the New England Mint" with it's contribution to our current orgy of fist-pumping, back-slapping and hooting, brought on by the extra-legal execution of a foreign national by a hit team which took place in a sovereign nation-- a sovereign nation which was allegedly our ally, at that. The narrator is apparently reading off the latest version of the hit (I wonder how many times the script had to be changed before the New England Mint decided to go ahead with this one, figuring that anyone who would buy this crap couldn't care less anyway.) There's the usual flag-waving jingoistic "we killed the suspect, so Justice Has Been Done because Might makes Right when it's being yielded by the USA or it's allies" pablum leading up to the Awesome Opportunity to own a piece of tin "layered" in gold (snigger-seriously, what kind of idiot thinks that there's more than a grain of gold on this thing? Oh yeah- the kind of idiot who would want to own garbage like this.)

Anyway, if you aren't sold on the idea of adding this "piece of history" to your growing pile of dust-collecting trinkets, there are these cool extras designed to draw you in-- check out the "Wanted" poster, created especially for this commercial, in mint condition (because- were you listening?- it was printed up JUST for this commercial.) And if you are STILL hesitating, here's the standard Certificate of Authenticity. This never fails to crack me up- what is being "authenticated" here? That the coin you receive is actually the coin being advertised? Wow, awesome. Because the only thing more worthless than this stupid Not Even Heavy Enough to Be a Decent Paperweight late-night tv offering is an "unauthentic" knock off, I guess.

I'm sure the New England mint has a built-in customer base for this stuff, and have a good idea of exactly how many they'll be selling. These guys aren't stupid- I bet they never end up with a warehouse of plates, posters, Civil War chess sets or coins.

I would throw one little caveat into the mix, however. This coin features the face of the current president of the United States on one side. I'm not absolutely positive, but I suspect that the people in the market for this junk are not big fans of his. I wonder if Obama's face on one side might depress sales a bit. If I were working for the New England Mint, I think I'd offer a cheap frame to go with it, and remind my potential customers that they get to choose which side to display.

I don't know why, but I suspect that in homes featuring this coin, the Majestic Image of the Seal Team Six logo, not that of the President, is prominently displayed- right next to the Stormin' Norman commemorative plates and the War on Terror deck of cards made out of cheap tin- layered in gold, of course.

The Game of "Life," Modern Version

A lot of people I know have Netflix accounts. I have no objection to the concept- after all, premium cable is still pretty expensive, and Video Rental Stores are becoming a relic of the past. I can see not wanting to stick your credit card into one of those Red Box deals outside of the local Seven-Eleven, too. Nope, I have no problem with Netflix.

But this- this is just wrong. In our first featured advertisement, Glassy-eyed mushrooms disguised as people whine about "never being able to afford all the games" they want, who are now so damn fulfilled because of something called GameFly.com, which allows one to rent all the video games one can waste one's life playing for one low monthly fee. Lovely. Because really, who could ever get enough quality time with their freaking television sets- and that couch isn't going to sit on itself!

And I love the "I just saved seventy bucks!" line--hmm, interesting economics there, buddy. You waste a certain amount of money on a pointless, life-sucking toy, and you congratulate yourself because you COULD have wasted a LOT more. I'll remember that logic the next time I have only ONE flat tire. As it's being changed, I'll happily calculate what I'm going to do with the money I "saved" because the other three weren't damaged.

The second ad is, if possible, even worse. Now the "adults" have joined in on endorsing this disgusting, brain-numbing waste of time, waxing poetic about how awesome it is that now all their children can play all the games they want and stop bothering them to be taken to the park, or to play catch in the back yard, or for pretty much anything except another helping of Stove Top Stuffing (come on- you just KNOW these people eat Stove Top Stuffing. And Wonder Bread.) GameFly is "perfect for our family..."-- well, yeah, because you aren't really a family, just a group of genetically connected, upright (when necessary) mammals who happen to live in the same house and really wish GameFly had been invented years ago.

Yep, GameFly should keep the kiddies distracted, giving mom and dad time to update their Facebook pages and surf for porn on the suddenly-available family computer. Sounds like "real family" fun to me.

Well, we've come a long way since Parker Brothers' "Family Board Game Night," haven't we? I sure feel dumb- a few weeks ago, I spent a good deal of my spring break playing Gin rummy with my mom. She's got a Netflix account, but not GameFly- which makes her less lame than I am, but still way below these people, who are having such an awesome time (and saving money!) staring at the Idiot Box as life goes on around them (somewhere.)

It's a sad world, and it's getting sadder. For only a small monthly fee.

Finally, the perfect pants for those long evenings at the Golden Corrall

It's the end of the world as we know it.

I mean, seriously. If this isn't one of the signs of the Apocalypse, it's at LEAST another strong indication that we here in the good old US of A are really losing it. This is actually a commercial for--- Sweatpants that are disguised as tight jeans. I guess it's marketed toward that growing (no pun intended) population of Americans who don't want to exercise or eat right, but are sick of trying to squeeze their rolls of flab into flattering jeans or wearing a Mu Mu to family night at Cicis.

With "Pajama Jeans," you get to look like you can slide your Not at all Svelte body into "designer" jeans which show off the Curves you wish you had. Because come on- if you've got the kind of body that looks good in tight jeans, you aren't going to be dissuaded by those horrible sharp buttons or the two hours it takes to get them buttoned (I had no idea that wearing jeans was so darned uncomfortable, if not downright dangerous! Where's the Attorney General on this?)

Oh wait- maybe it's got nothing to do with your Body By Cake, but instead by the "fact" that "you can spend up to EIGHTY DOLLARS for jeans..." Well, I suppose this is true. If you want preposterously overpriced designer jeans, you may spend $80 or more per pair. But if you just want a pair of nice looking jeans like EVERYONE ELSE WEARS, you are going to spend maybe thirty or forty bucks. And you know what you'll get? DENIM. That means material which is NOT made out of the same flimsy crap your PAJAMAS are made out of because you JUST USE THEM FOR SLEEPING IN.

I mean, let's think about this, ok? How long would you expect your PJs to last if you wore them while biking, jogging, or doing all those things which, come to think of it, you probably aren't doing anyway if you are desperate enough to stoop to Pajama Jeans.

I guess I have to re-evaluate this snark. Pajama Jeans are probably absolutely perfect for the lifestyle of people who would buy crap like this. They are probably just awesome for sliding into booths with your tray of meat loaf and mac 'n cheese. They probably feel just great as you take in All You Can Eat Pancakes with Cheesecake Filling at IHOP. And FINALLY- a pair of pants that don't make you feel constricted as you waddle up to the Pizza Buffet and prepare to "line jump" the woman building a salad in front of you to get the last three pounds of cinnamon buns.

Earth to fat, delusional losers: If you want to wear "skinny jeans," change your diet and lifestyle so you can look good in them. Buying Pajama Jeans is like wearing vertical stripes or installing circus mirrors in your house so you can trick yourself into thinking that you look better than you actually do. And that's just sad.

Because you know what? Your heart and cholesterol count aren't going to buy it.

Nothing Fresh about this commercial

There's a whole series of these Subway "Get Your Own" commercials, which essentially celebrate the three great hallmarks of modern advertising:

1. Men and Women really never have relationships that are not cruel, manipulative, shallow, or just plain hurtful. In pretty much every advertisement featuring interactions between males and females, someone is going to get cheated, harassed, made fun of, ignored, taunted, kicked to the gutter, Un-Friended, abused. And it's supposed to be funny. And to the glue-sniffing children who populate the YouTube comment boards, it always is.

2. The product being sold looks absolutely amazing. The cars are always showroom-shiny, the milkshakes are always overflowing, and the sandwiches are stuffed with enough meat and cheese to feed Somalia for a week. I don't eat garbage like this so I don't really know for sure, but I'd be willing to put down money that this "melt" thing isn't REALLY two feet long and doesn't REALLY weigh 12 pounds, like it does in this commercial.

3. Sharing is, quite simply, Un-American and Just Plain Wrong. From Twix Bars ("Two for Me, None for You") to Doritos ("Get your Own Bag") to this current "Get Your Own" nastiness, the advertisers would like you to remind you that you do Capitalism no favors by sharing your plenty with those around you. The woman in this commercial doesn't ask for a piece of the guy's Mega-Sandwich. She wants the whole. Damn. Thing. Why? See Point #2- this sandwich looks big enough to chop into sections and serve to the whole damn office. She's really going to absorb a week's supply of carbs all by herself?

Ugh, whatever, Subway. Even if your overstuffed packages of meat product and white bread gave me an appetite, the mean-spirited message would take it away. All that being said, the girl in this ad probably did the guy a favor by manipulating him out of his sandwich. He doesn't look like he's in need of excess calories to me.

A Modern Case of Spring Fever

First, let me assure you that this is an actual commercial for an actual product. It's not snark, it's not an old SNL skit, it's REAL.

As near as I can tell, someone bought a warehouse full of old vinyl siding and came up with the truly ingenious idea of selling it as "Furniture Fixer"- basically an artificial "floor" which can be slipped under couch cushions to keep them from sagging.

Of course, this product isn't just a cushion stabilizer. It's a "miracle" product which will save you "hundreds" of dollars in furniture replacement- the replacement you thought was necessary because you stood there like a pillar of salt while your bratty, thoughtless, misbehaving spawn jumped all over your favorite sofa (And green dollar signs floated through the air in your oddly black-and-white world. Surreal.)

(Seriously, isn't it obvious that this couple has bigger problems than Coil Integrity? I love the frustrated "what can we do?" gestures, though. How about CONTROLLING YOUR KIDS, PEOPLE!!??)

What happens when your cushions sag? Well, it turns out that it isn't cushion elves have sabotaged your furniture. Nor does it mean that Coily the Spring Sprite is off teaching some old guy a lesson about making wishes without thinking them through first ( I included that classic little Short for those of you who don't remember the 1950s or teach about it in their history classes.) No, it means that years of wear and tear has depressed those coils and now it's "Impossible to get up!" (Oh no, Grampa is doomed to spend the rest of his life on the couch!)

And just in case you aren't sold on the idea that interlocking siding panels are the solution to your sagging cushions, we get the usual avalanche of "extras" available for "no additional cost- just separate shipping and handling." The "couch pouch" attaches to your Good as New furniture so that you never have to look for your tv remote, tv guide, magazines, pens, pencils, paper- oh heck, so you never have to get off your ass ever, ever again. You can also get a set of "Furniture Movers" so that if you ever do get up again, you can- well, move your furniture. And now that you're REALLY hooked, ask about the "Furniture Lifter," which will come in handy when you realize your broken couch is still broken and it's time to haul it to the curb.

Just don't forget to take out that vinyl siding first. You'd hate to risk having the garbage men find it under the cushions, and realize what a dope you are with your money.

It's a Long Way down to Nothing At All

Once upon a time, there was this actor named Ronald Wilson Reagan. Despite his limited ability, this guy managed to use a certain vague aura of masculinity to win roles in a significant number of films, some of them (Santa Fe Trail, Knute Rockne: All American, etc.) were not especially horrible. Most of them, however, were pretty bad.

This actor named Ronald Wilson Reagan responded to a decline in his career by ratting out his friends to Joe McCarthy, making a speech for the American Medical Association warning that Medicare would turn us into Communists and urging voters to put Barry Goldwater in the White House. Then he ran for, and won, the office of Governor of California, which he used primarily to bash "liberals" while raising taxes and for running for President- an office he finally won in 1980. And the rest is history- really sad, best-forgotten history.

Well, at around the same time Ronald Wilson Reagan was riding off into the sunset, there was this other actor, named Fred Dalton Thompson. Despite his limited ability, this guy managed to parlay a certain vague aura of masculinity to win roles in a rather small number of films, almost none of which were notable in any way (unless "Necessary Roughness" could be considered "notable.") He also did quite a bit of television before being elected to the United States Senate in a special election in 1993. In his nearly eight years in the Senate, Thompson focused on foreign policy and intelligence. He declined to seek a second full term in 2000 and returned to acting.

Well, that's pretty much where the comparison between Ronald Reagan and Fred Thompson comes to an end. It's not that Thompson didn't try his best- he was a late entry into the 2008 Presidential sweepstakes but flamed out quickly and dropped out after the first few primaries.

And now look of what has become of Fred Dalton Thompson- on late night tv, pitching Reverse Mortgages, whatever the hell they are. Well, good for you, Mr. Thompson. No, it's not the Presidency, and you don't have your hand on the nuclear button. Heck, you never even got the chance to Not Get Osama Bin Laden, like the drug-addled cowboy you once hoped to replace. But at least you're picking up a few bucks here and there, and as you yourself say in this ad, that's kind of important these days.

And at least this isn't "Necessary Roughness II." Because...well, jeesh. That was one horrible movie.

The Future of Communication, For Better or For Worse

In 2008, Lynn Johnston finished the thirty-year run of her stunningly overrated, preachy, pompous celebration of the Whitest Family in Canada, the "For Better or For Worse" comic strip. The strip concluded with daughter Liz Patterson marrying her on-again, off-again high school sweetheart, Anthony Caine, who by that time was a divorced father of one and well-known to the strip's fan base as the most sunken-chested, morose, family-destroying stalker to ever be portrayed as a "good guy" in any medium.

The "relationship" between Liz and Anthony was notable primarily for it's total lack of meaningful communication. The two characters never actually spoke what they were thinking, but instead each played a passive game of Wait For Fate which might have gone on forever if their creator had not been determined to make them The Perfect Couple. Even their Engagement consists of nothing more than the two soulless idiots sitting on opposite ends of a couch, Liz muttering something about how since they get along, and they are already dating, and there's nobody else, well, they are kinda sorta engaged, right? (Anthony's breathtakingly romantic response: "I guess so.")

Too bad the story didn't take us beyond their hideous lavender-and-teal-wrapped wedding, because had the strip continued, this commercial would make a good example of what Liz and Anthony Caine, Mr and Mrs Meant to Be Like it or Not, could expect out of "marital bliss."

The couple in this ad is so disturbingly distant, so emotionally detached, and so utterly incapable of communicating that they now must resort to "expressing" themselves by scrolling through their cable service's On Demand menu. The guy seems genuinely interested in playing Kiss and Make Up, displaying romantic garbage titles and video of "our wedding." The girl is having nothing of it, at one point even changing her Facebook status to "single" (seriously, if that's an indication of how truly horrible their fight was, is it really going to be fixed by choosing the right tear-jerker to snuggle with? Is this guy really so diminished by his relationship with this woman that he's going to forget she announced to the world that their marriage was over because of a FIGHT?)

At any rate, the choice of the "right" video ultimately ends this disgusting display of passive- aggressiveness and gets this obviously well-matched couple back together again, and they have "SmartTalk" by Samsung to "thank" for it. No apologies necessary- no apologies, no heart to hearts, no soul searching, no compromises. Nope. Whatever the problem was, it was solved through the magic of the Big Glowing Screen. Thank goodness, because there's nothing in the world worse than actually communicating with the one you "love," is there?

Very fortune for us, too. Because on television, it's kind of hard to read the thought bubbles.