Those Asians! Is there anything they CAN'T do?

Considering how many Amazing Miracle Products were first "discovered" by people living in China thousands of years ago, it is truly astonishing that we aren't all speaking Chinese and eating diets rich in rice, fish and veggies (too bad, too.)

This commercial for an "Air Bead" Pillow even features an Asian-looking girl wearing flowered pajamas contentedly settling her pretty little head down for what we know will be yet another peaceful, uninterrupted night of comfortable rest. Meanwhile, we in the Un-Enlightened Western World are still putting our ridiculously heavy (ten pounds! Who knew?) rock heads on worthless, fluffy and ultimately crippling Not-Beaded pillows! What is the matter with us?

I mean, do we LIKE waking up in INCREDIBLE pain, starting our day by sharing our agony with our spouses (who wake up simultaneously, with the same complaint)? How are we to remain The Most Productive Work Force on the Planet if we can't get a decent night's sleep?

Thank goodness we've been clued in to the miracle of the buckwheat pillow. Yet, even though I'm pretty sure Buckwheat is plentiful, this pillow isn't filled with the stuff. Instead it features Air Beads, which I guess is as close to Synthetic Buckwheat as we can get. These "Air Beads" allow the pillow to adjust to our obese noggins and eliminate the roughly 6-7 hours per night we spend punching our traditional Inferior Western-style pillows.

Can I tell you how much I love the Glass Tubes and Eggs demonstration? It's not that we get to watch a 10-lb weight crush eggs not once, not twice, but three times (it left me wishing that pillows were filled with many other different substances- I did not want this part of the commercial to end, truly.) It's more the guy in the white lab coat who is conducting this "demonstration"- he really looks like a serious engineering student, not even cracking the hint of a smile as he performs what he must realize is an ABSURDLY STUPID ACT- THREE TIMES!! I mean, he's wearing a white lab coat! And are those glasses, or safety goggles? (Shattered eggshells have caused blindness in lab rats attempting this experiment at home, you know!)

And can I tell you how much I love the fact that the claim I made in my last post for "High-Definition Aviators" is reinforced here? If you order your Air Bead Pillow right now, you can get a pillow case for no extra charge- "just pay extra shipping and processing." How much do you think it costs to ship a pillow case? How much do you think these guys charge?

Anyway, this is yet another commercial which makes me smile more than it makes me frown. I really hope this isn't a trend. My guess is that there's a truly horrible cell phone ad coming up very shortly which will bring this streak to an abrupt end, and I'll be back to my usual cynical crabbiness. And life will go back to normal.

Until then- I really think these guys made a mistake of not just using buckwheat as the filler for this pillow. Then they could REALLY claim an ancient Asian connection for this product.

Unless the Air Beads are what I think they are- crushed packing peanuts. 'Cause I imagine they are really cheap, and only slightly louder than a bag of buckwheat.

Oh, it's a "steal," all right. And if you had these glasses, you might have seen it coming!

Oh my, can I find the words to express how much I LOVE commercials for cheap, "miracle" sunglasses?

I mean, what's not to love? You get the preposterous claims- these glasses provide "high-definition vision." Umm, isn't that what your eyes already do? These aren't prescription glasses, designed to correct bad vision caused by astigmatism or anything else. All they can possibly claim to do is block sunlight. How does this result in "high-definition vision?" Unless they actually REPLACE your EYES as a seeing tool, this claim simply makes no sense. None.

You get the hilarious "it's amazing you've lived this long without this product" breathless warnings- maybe you didn't realize it, but you've been driving your car practically blind for all these years, dangerous sun glare (which really ought to be banned, it's so darned distracting, you can barely even SEE that ever-present school bus) making every trip to the grocery store a duel with death. Don't you want to live to see another summer? Well, here's how you can make that at least a little more likely- with this product, you can SEE STUFF instead of colliding with it.

You get the beautiful people who are easily amazed, not only at the awesome product, but also it's OMIGOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING low price. Ten dollars? For sunglasses? But sunglasses can cost $300!! These are only ten dollars? NO WAY!! Everyone in this ad thought FOR SURE they must cost $75, or "at LEAST a hundred dollars!" Of course, what always makes this work is the willingness of these "I'm really going to be in a commercial? Cool!" idiots to pretend that it's perfectly reasonable to believe that a company would produce an Amazing, Must-Have Item and then use a cheap commercial to sell it to the general public for one-tenth it's value.

But Wait, There's More...

We get the "free" second pair of glasses "Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling." Death and Taxes are not the only certainties of life. There's also the five additional Sham Wows, the extra Dog Silencer, the Miracle Chopper, or the Upgrade package which is ALWAYS offered along with the SuperCheap product, as long as you are willing to "Upgrade" to a higher price through inflated shipping and handling fees. Because this is where the money is actually made- when people are suckered into paying $20 shipping for separate packages which weigh a total of a few ounces.

My favorite line in this ad: a woman tries on the sunglasses and says "I think I actually see better wearing these than if I were wearing no glasses at all."

Hey lady- take it from a guy who has been wearing glasses or contact lenses since the age of eight- that is the POINT OF WEARING GLASSES. To SEE BETTER THAN YOU CAN WITHOUT THEM. Because despite what you might think from all the America's Best posters, people generally don't wear glasses to make a fashion statement. We wear them so that we don't look like idiots crashing into walls.

Of course, no amount of vision correction can spare some people from being taken by scammers who peddle crap like these glasses. Which is why these commercials exist. And since I kind of like this style of stupidity, I'm actually kind of glad that they do.

Plus, the girls in these ads are always pretty hot. Stupid, but hot.

Maybe he has money?

Ugh, can you believe this? Somehow an emotionally detached 8-year old living in a 25-year old's body has landed a hot girlfriend, despite the fact that he's quite vocal about the fact that he's not at all interested in her beyond her ability to be a warm body on the couch while he plays with his electronic toys.

So to shut her up (he practically says this out loud) he got some bundle plan which landed her an "ok play with this and leave me alone" phone and got him a new "this helps me ignore the fact I've got a hot girlfriend" toy.

"She likes the fact that it brought us closer"- um, it did? Oh, you mean physically? Because she's willing to sit next to you while she plays with her phone and you ignore her? Clearly the guy doesn't mean closer emotionally- because there's no emotion being emitted from this juvenile, callous little runt. None.

"I love you" Hot Girlfriend mews desperately. "I love you" Coldhearted User responds- and then turns to the camera and takes advantage of her deafness- or lobotomy- by adding "Playstation."

I guess this guy's sneering dismissive behavior toward his girlfriend's sad need for a boyfriend- ANY boyfriend- is supposed to be funny. I guess his "love" of Playstation is supposed to be typical. And all of this put together is supposed to make us fans of the company that made this advertisement. Well, if I was a selfish jerk with ice-water in my veins, or if I were suffering from arrested development and was still into video games after the age of 16, or if I were BLIND and didn't notice I had this HOT GIRLFRIEND WHO JUST TOLD ME SHE LOVES ME curled up on my couch, I guess I could relate to all this. But I'm not any of those things, so this kind of crap just repels me.

Now, if the girl responded in a way which demonstrated that she has any dignity or self-respect, that would be SOMETHING. But the guy who wrote this dreck wasn't going to let that scene survive the final cut.

I've heard better pickup lines....

A woman with oddly inconsistent space issues and a voice so low I seriously can barely hear it (and I'm not in a grocery store filled with idiots blathering on their cell phones, tinny music, or screaming children) decides that the cute guy commenting on her choice of toothpaste is trying to pick her up and proceeds to flirt with him, exchanging little tartar-based quips in the hopes that FINALLY a chance encounter which does not take place in a lame romantic movie will actually lead to something and save her next month's eHarmony fee.

(Full Disclosure: If this woman were my college girlfriend, she'd call me moments after returning home from the store to let me know that a guy tried to pick her up while she was shopping for toothpaste. Of course, my college girlfriend thought that the guy handing her her change at 7-11 was flirting with her because he said "have a nice day" and once told me when I returned from the restroom that the waiter had made a pass at her when he refilled her water glass "because of the way he looked at me." She was a strange girl. I miss her.)

This woman first does a cute "Oh I didn't see that because I'm stupid/illiterate" take when Cute Guy points out that hey, idiot, Sensodyne toothpaste comes with tartar control and whitening and all that stuff, says so on the label, so you don't have to buy two tubes of toothpaste, and now that I've saved you three dollars, you owe me a date. Then she delivers a line which suggests that "stupid" is probably the best guess- "you sound like my dentist." What does this mean? Her dentist told her than Sensodyne comes with tartar control/whitening? If that's the case, why was she still buying two tubes of toothpaste?

Or does this woman just stand in the toothpaste aisle holding two tubes of paste, waiting for some Cute Guy to point out that she's an idiot? What the hell?

(Another Full Disclosure: I use this toothpaste, because I have very sensitive teeth. I buy the tartar control/whitening stuff because it costs the same as regular, and I CAN READ. My dentist recommended it. So this guy sounds like MY dentist, too.)

Now I'm wondering if this works for guys- if I stand in the toothpaste aisle looking completely perplexed (how hard could it be? So many choices...) will a cute girl come along and offer to read the cartons for me, helpfully pointing out that I don't need to buy several tubes to get all the Protection That I Need?

I think I'll try a variation of this guy's awesome strategy next time I'm at the local Giant grocery-- I'll "helpfully" point out to the Cute Girl that "you know, you don't HAVE to buy chocolate syrup AND milk, they have chocolate milk in the cooler over here..." I'm sure we'll be engaged by the time we hit the parking lot. And it won't bother me one bit that I'm engaged to a really stupid girl, because after all, she was just trying to lure me in with her adorable cluelessness, right?

You win, Smirnoff's

I started this blog on New Year's Day, 2009, convinced that after a few months I'd get bored with it or, more likely, simply run out of bad commercials to snark on. I mean, there aren't THAT many really bad advertisements out there, right?

Two and a half years and more than 400 commercials later, I've finally hit a roadblock. I don't know if this advertisement is clever or stupid. I don't know if it's for anti-lock brakes, or eHarmony (anyone else think that the heavily-painted blond passenger is just a little too young for the guy she's with? Anyone else think the guy looks an awful lot like Jeremy Irons?) or what. The small print at the end tells me it's for Vodka, but how could that be- unless the truck that nearly kills this oddly matched couple is being driven by a guy who's had one too many screwdrivers at the local dive?

I don't get how a near-death experience results in the driver parking at a romantic scenic view and taking off his wedding ring. Did the guy's life pass in front of him as he swerved to miss the truck, causing him to realize that he can do better than this girl and the clock is ticking? Or did the almost-accident have no impact at all- the plan was to break it off, and that's what the guy who played The Green Goblin in the first Spider-Man movie is going to do?

I don't get the editing job which changes the entire story, either.

Let's cut to the chase; I surrender to the mysterious brilliance, or dumbfounding idiocy, of this ad. I'm still not going to drink Vodka though. If I want a headache, I'll hit myself with a hammer, thanks anyway.

Stop what you're Doing, and start Watching!

Now just think, for one moment, what the message of this ad for Xfinity really is.

The people in the commercial sure seem to be active. They jump around (mainly, they jump into chairs and on to couches, but hey, they JUMP.) They magically move from place to place. They must have some kind of social life, because they seem to interact with a lot of people.

But in the end, the message here is "sit and watch tv. Lots of tv. Wherever you are- at home. In the office. On the train, or in the park. Hell, watch it in your car when the light is red- or when you are driving really slowly. Just watch tv constantly, ok?"

Because it's "fun" to watch tons and tons of tv. With friends. Because tv allows you to surround yourself with people and not actually interact with them (it's like a cell phone, but bigger, and with Tina Fey.) Remember how you used to have to leave television at home, and how life was barely worth living until you could back to your couch and your glowing screen? Remember how empty life was in the No Television Available Outside World, with it's annoying people and nature and sights? Those days- let's call them the Dark Ages- are over.

Because life is all about Fun, and Fun is all about Television. Everywhere. All the time. Download it. Store it. Watch it. Download some more. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

And don't forget- everyone shares your obsession with television so much, there's never any need for headphones. I really want to hear what you've got on that I Pad, even more than I want to hear your side of every conversation you have on your phone (your ringtones are awesome, please let them play for at least two minutes before answering) and even more than I want to know your taste in music (so please keep the volume on your MP3 player way up, and keep using those virtually-pointless ear buds, especially on the subway.) And when you drive past my house at 2 AM, please remember to keep your windows down and the bass pounding.

Because it's all about sitting and watching and listening and sharing. All the time.

I wonder if CitiBank would give me a line of credit for my guillotine factory

As a typical American, I was just quietly enjoying my mineral water/facial mud treatment while sitting in a steaming pool of volcano-heated water in Iceland when I thought to myself "surely the age of Imperialistic raping of a nation's natural resources can't be over already, can it?"

So I called CitiBank and told them that since this Icelandic Mud was doing wonders for my skin, I figured I could make a whole lot of money by packaging it and shipping it back home to the good old USA, a nation fortunately populated by wan-faced losers so desperate to stay young-looking that they'll buy the idea of "Icelandic Mud." A hundred thousand plastic tubs, a few ice cream scoops, a little elbow grease and twelve UPS trucks later, my Icelandic Mud Facial Treatment was really drawing in the suckers---- errr, customers-- to my Exclusive Spa.

As a side note, my success in using stolen Icelandic Mud to increase the size of my bank account has had trickle-down benefits for my cleaning staff. Frederica, Rosa, and Rosa's eight year old boy, I don't know his name, I just call him Pepe because it seems to fit- are really grateful for the extra time I have to employ them to mop up the muddy footprints of the Beautiful White People With Money who populate my world.

Know what's weird? I keep hearing this stuff about "recessions" and "99ers" and "high unemployment" and "Under Water Mortgages." It's as if everyone wants to bad-mouth the economy, like there's something wrong with it. If you ask me, as long as there are people willing to drop serious dough at my Spa to cover themselves in mud from another country, we are doing just great, thank you very much.

I also hear that Americans have lost their historic edge in innovation and entrepreneurship. Well, I think I've single-handedly smashed that myth. Maybe we don't lead the world in "Education" or "Production" or even "Credit Rating." But how many countries have people with the vision and confidence to imagine making money by selling mud?? And how many countries can brag a population of consumers willing to buy watery dirt so they can spread it all over themselves? Take that, Japan!

And I bet the Icelandians- Icelanders? Whatever!- don't even MISS their mud.

So thank you, CitiBank, for allowing me to take my Dreams and make them into Realities. I wish you had been around years ago, when I had other Dreams- I think they may have involved teaching, or being a doctor, or doing something socially uplifting and soul-redeeming and useful. Not sure, it's been so long since I've thought about ANYTHING other than money and how to make more of it. But you are here now, which means I don't have to worry about any of that silly stuff any more.