Just paint the bottles red, white and blue and get it over with

Ugh, I can't think of any company that has spent more time and energy over the last year trying to cash in on America's military adventurism, can you?

Miller's loud-mouthed, jackass beer delivery man (and arbiter of the proper use of watered-down Miller products) ostentatiously proclaims Miller Lite's love affair with "veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan." In a previous ad, this dick was satisfied with shaking the hands of one of these vets at an airport while admiring him with doe eyes. Apparently, the good people at Miller didn't think the message was received clearly enough, so it's been ramped up and amplified.

So this time, listen carefully, America:

Miller Lite LOVES THE VETS, OK? Not only LOVES THEM, but WORSHIPS THEM! Miller wants to salute the vets in every way possible, providing them "a piece of the High Life," and expressing appreciation in every PUBLIC forum available. But most importantly, Miller wants YOU, the VIEWER, to UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE exactly how MUCH Miller Supports our VeteransTM. And they'll keep showing this appreciation- again, in the loudest, crassest, most over-the-top showy way imaginable- as long as we, the audience, keep sending in bottle caps.

As I said in a previous post concerning the same product- Hey Miller, if you were one-tenth as committed to "supporting the vets" and "giving them a piece of the High Life" as you were in wrapping yourself in the fricking flag and running for Most Patriotic Beer Company Ever in the hearts and minds of American beer drinkers, you'd quietly cut a check to the VA, pay for seats to sporting events, and provide cheap transportation for the Vets You Care So Very Deeply About. You wouldn't be pulling this More American Than Thou BS, and you wouldn't be so eager to use Our Vets as camouflage-clad backdrops to help you pimp your crappy beer.

On this Fourth of July weekend, a commercial exploiting America's soldiers is about as welcome as a Glenn Beck Restoring Honor rally, and about as sincere as an NYPD baseball cap on an obese tea-partier. Give it a rest, and save the flashy, cheap bunting for the car dealerships, ok?

Oh, and "I LOVE BIG BROTHER!!"

This ad reveals the real agenda of cell phone companies- to get us to use our technology to become brainless sheep with only the mentality of the mob to guide our actions.

The poor idiot who is caught acting in a bizarre fashion in the middle of the train station because he thought the "flash mob" (oh yeah, that's productive) was supposed to be taking place around him isn't really the victim here. It's virtually impossible to feel sorry for him- it would be like feeling sorry for that girl who became an internet sensation (not nearly as hard as it sounds) because she walked into the fountain at a shopping mall as her eyes were glued to her cell phone. If you are going to let a piece of technology order you around, if you are going to let that technology manipulate and dominate your life, you'd better expect moments like this.

No, the real victims are the people looking on in disgust. It couldn't be more obvious to me that they aren't pitying this dope because he made a fool of himself. They are pitying him because he made a fool of himself through his poor choice of technology. You see, if he had a cool modern phone with updated connectivity, this never would have happened. He would have known to be a total ass at 12:30, not noon. What an idiot! Let's all give him a condescending look, and then move on. But don't forget- the "flash mob" is still on, in a half an hour.

Why are these people victims? Because they've surrendered. They have cell phones because they have been convinced that what was once a luxury is now a necessity. They are on Facebook because they would not have friends without it, and Everyone Else Is There, right? They accept Tweets because if they didn't, they'd be ostracized. And they willingly engage in "Flash Mobs" because- well, because if they didn't, they wouldn't be part of the Social Network. And what could be worse than that?

It doesn't occur to them that in every step of their devolution from Individual to Faceless Non-person On List that the chain wrapped around their necks has grown tighter, and the sharp yanks on that chain more frequent.

And what is the point of the "Flash Mob?" Does anyone even bother to ask? Or do the people who engage in such things REALIZE that they are nothing more or less than exercises in mass manipulation?

A few years ago, an announcement like "Flash Mob At 12:30" would have resulted in a mass of shrugs and "whatevers." Today (at least for some people) it apparently carries the force of a command. Where not too long ago, the response to a text reading "JUMP!" might have received the response "What For?" Now the more likely response is "How High, and When?"

Willy Loman's home life was warmer than this

I suppose that this commercial is funny as long as you don't try to imagine for a minute that this might actually resemble real life for some people.

First, we have two soulless, personality-deficient potatoes referring to the time they didn't have cable as "the Dark Ages." Yeah, how horrible that must have been- you'd think it meant a year of talking, sex, taking walks, sex, reading, sex, and sex. Except...

We are "treated" to a scene of their life during the Dark Ages- zombie mom, desperate to find something- ANYTHING- worth watching so that she doesn't have to acknowledge her husband's sexual advances, scrolls through the offerings bleating "no...no...no...." Husband seems willing to start Life Without Constant Television, but Zombie Wife is having none of it.

And another scene which is not only sad, not only insulting, but actually draw-droppingly stupid: Mom and Daughter are trying to watch television, and Dad- having long since given up being anything to Mom but a Provider of Television- is on the roof adjusting the dish. In a rain storm. That's right- Dad is on the roof manipulating a large metal object, during a rain storm. And when he falls off the roof, it's LOL EPIC when Mom and Daughter don't notice. Well, I guess it's better than dad being FRIED by a BOLT OF LIGHTNING. Although if I was this guy, I might welcome the sweet release of death.

I'm not even going to comment on the "new use for the dish." I'm sure it's as LOL EPIC to the trogs who post YouTube comments as the rest of the ad.

So the message of this commercial is "life without television is barely worth living, because it kind of forces you to interact with your (snigger) 'loved ones.'" Super.

(BTW, how on earth was that daughter produced? Must have been a byproduct of another "Dark Ages.")

Those Asians! Is there anything they CAN'T do?

Considering how many Amazing Miracle Products were first "discovered" by people living in China thousands of years ago, it is truly astonishing that we aren't all speaking Chinese and eating diets rich in rice, fish and veggies (too bad, too.)

This commercial for an "Air Bead" Pillow even features an Asian-looking girl wearing flowered pajamas contentedly settling her pretty little head down for what we know will be yet another peaceful, uninterrupted night of comfortable rest. Meanwhile, we in the Un-Enlightened Western World are still putting our ridiculously heavy (ten pounds! Who knew?) rock heads on worthless, fluffy and ultimately crippling Not-Beaded pillows! What is the matter with us?

I mean, do we LIKE waking up in INCREDIBLE pain, starting our day by sharing our agony with our spouses (who wake up simultaneously, with the same complaint)? How are we to remain The Most Productive Work Force on the Planet if we can't get a decent night's sleep?

Thank goodness we've been clued in to the miracle of the buckwheat pillow. Yet, even though I'm pretty sure Buckwheat is plentiful, this pillow isn't filled with the stuff. Instead it features Air Beads, which I guess is as close to Synthetic Buckwheat as we can get. These "Air Beads" allow the pillow to adjust to our obese noggins and eliminate the roughly 6-7 hours per night we spend punching our traditional Inferior Western-style pillows.

Can I tell you how much I love the Glass Tubes and Eggs demonstration? It's not that we get to watch a 10-lb weight crush eggs not once, not twice, but three times (it left me wishing that pillows were filled with many other different substances- I did not want this part of the commercial to end, truly.) It's more the guy in the white lab coat who is conducting this "demonstration"- he really looks like a serious engineering student, not even cracking the hint of a smile as he performs what he must realize is an ABSURDLY STUPID ACT- THREE TIMES!! I mean, he's wearing a white lab coat! And are those glasses, or safety goggles? (Shattered eggshells have caused blindness in lab rats attempting this experiment at home, you know!)

And can I tell you how much I love the fact that the claim I made in my last post for "High-Definition Aviators" is reinforced here? If you order your Air Bead Pillow right now, you can get a pillow case for no extra charge- "just pay extra shipping and processing." How much do you think it costs to ship a pillow case? How much do you think these guys charge?

Anyway, this is yet another commercial which makes me smile more than it makes me frown. I really hope this isn't a trend. My guess is that there's a truly horrible cell phone ad coming up very shortly which will bring this streak to an abrupt end, and I'll be back to my usual cynical crabbiness. And life will go back to normal.

Until then- I really think these guys made a mistake of not just using buckwheat as the filler for this pillow. Then they could REALLY claim an ancient Asian connection for this product.

Unless the Air Beads are what I think they are- crushed packing peanuts. 'Cause I imagine they are really cheap, and only slightly louder than a bag of buckwheat.

Oh, it's a "steal," all right. And if you had these glasses, you might have seen it coming!

Oh my, can I find the words to express how much I LOVE commercials for cheap, "miracle" sunglasses?

I mean, what's not to love? You get the preposterous claims- these glasses provide "high-definition vision." Umm, isn't that what your eyes already do? These aren't prescription glasses, designed to correct bad vision caused by astigmatism or anything else. All they can possibly claim to do is block sunlight. How does this result in "high-definition vision?" Unless they actually REPLACE your EYES as a seeing tool, this claim simply makes no sense. None.

You get the hilarious "it's amazing you've lived this long without this product" breathless warnings- maybe you didn't realize it, but you've been driving your car practically blind for all these years, dangerous sun glare (which really ought to be banned, it's so darned distracting, you can barely even SEE that ever-present school bus) making every trip to the grocery store a duel with death. Don't you want to live to see another summer? Well, here's how you can make that at least a little more likely- with this product, you can SEE STUFF instead of colliding with it.

You get the beautiful people who are easily amazed, not only at the awesome product, but also it's OMIGOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING low price. Ten dollars? For sunglasses? But sunglasses can cost $300!! These are only ten dollars? NO WAY!! Everyone in this ad thought FOR SURE they must cost $75, or "at LEAST a hundred dollars!" Of course, what always makes this work is the willingness of these "I'm really going to be in a commercial? Cool!" idiots to pretend that it's perfectly reasonable to believe that a company would produce an Amazing, Must-Have Item and then use a cheap commercial to sell it to the general public for one-tenth it's value.

But Wait, There's More...

We get the "free" second pair of glasses "Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling." Death and Taxes are not the only certainties of life. There's also the five additional Sham Wows, the extra Dog Silencer, the Miracle Chopper, or the Upgrade package which is ALWAYS offered along with the SuperCheap product, as long as you are willing to "Upgrade" to a higher price through inflated shipping and handling fees. Because this is where the money is actually made- when people are suckered into paying $20 shipping for separate packages which weigh a total of a few ounces.

My favorite line in this ad: a woman tries on the sunglasses and says "I think I actually see better wearing these than if I were wearing no glasses at all."

Hey lady- take it from a guy who has been wearing glasses or contact lenses since the age of eight- that is the POINT OF WEARING GLASSES. To SEE BETTER THAN YOU CAN WITHOUT THEM. Because despite what you might think from all the America's Best posters, people generally don't wear glasses to make a fashion statement. We wear them so that we don't look like idiots crashing into walls.

Of course, no amount of vision correction can spare some people from being taken by scammers who peddle crap like these glasses. Which is why these commercials exist. And since I kind of like this style of stupidity, I'm actually kind of glad that they do.

Plus, the girls in these ads are always pretty hot. Stupid, but hot.

Maybe he has money?

Ugh, can you believe this? Somehow an emotionally detached 8-year old living in a 25-year old's body has landed a hot girlfriend, despite the fact that he's quite vocal about the fact that he's not at all interested in her beyond her ability to be a warm body on the couch while he plays with his electronic toys.

So to shut her up (he practically says this out loud) he got some bundle plan which landed her an "ok play with this and leave me alone" phone and got him a new "this helps me ignore the fact I've got a hot girlfriend" toy.

"She likes the fact that it brought us closer"- um, it did? Oh, you mean physically? Because she's willing to sit next to you while she plays with her phone and you ignore her? Clearly the guy doesn't mean closer emotionally- because there's no emotion being emitted from this juvenile, callous little runt. None.

"I love you" Hot Girlfriend mews desperately. "I love you" Coldhearted User responds- and then turns to the camera and takes advantage of her deafness- or lobotomy- by adding "Playstation."

I guess this guy's sneering dismissive behavior toward his girlfriend's sad need for a boyfriend- ANY boyfriend- is supposed to be funny. I guess his "love" of Playstation is supposed to be typical. And all of this put together is supposed to make us fans of the company that made this advertisement. Well, if I was a selfish jerk with ice-water in my veins, or if I were suffering from arrested development and was still into video games after the age of 16, or if I were BLIND and didn't notice I had this HOT GIRLFRIEND WHO JUST TOLD ME SHE LOVES ME curled up on my couch, I guess I could relate to all this. But I'm not any of those things, so this kind of crap just repels me.

Now, if the girl responded in a way which demonstrated that she has any dignity or self-respect, that would be SOMETHING. But the guy who wrote this dreck wasn't going to let that scene survive the final cut.

I've heard better pickup lines....

A woman with oddly inconsistent space issues and a voice so low I seriously can barely hear it (and I'm not in a grocery store filled with idiots blathering on their cell phones, tinny music, or screaming children) decides that the cute guy commenting on her choice of toothpaste is trying to pick her up and proceeds to flirt with him, exchanging little tartar-based quips in the hopes that FINALLY a chance encounter which does not take place in a lame romantic movie will actually lead to something and save her next month's eHarmony fee.

(Full Disclosure: If this woman were my college girlfriend, she'd call me moments after returning home from the store to let me know that a guy tried to pick her up while she was shopping for toothpaste. Of course, my college girlfriend thought that the guy handing her her change at 7-11 was flirting with her because he said "have a nice day" and once told me when I returned from the restroom that the waiter had made a pass at her when he refilled her water glass "because of the way he looked at me." She was a strange girl. I miss her.)

This woman first does a cute "Oh I didn't see that because I'm stupid/illiterate" take when Cute Guy points out that hey, idiot, Sensodyne toothpaste comes with tartar control and whitening and all that stuff, says so on the label, so you don't have to buy two tubes of toothpaste, and now that I've saved you three dollars, you owe me a date. Then she delivers a line which suggests that "stupid" is probably the best guess- "you sound like my dentist." What does this mean? Her dentist told her than Sensodyne comes with tartar control/whitening? If that's the case, why was she still buying two tubes of toothpaste?

Or does this woman just stand in the toothpaste aisle holding two tubes of paste, waiting for some Cute Guy to point out that she's an idiot? What the hell?

(Another Full Disclosure: I use this toothpaste, because I have very sensitive teeth. I buy the tartar control/whitening stuff because it costs the same as regular, and I CAN READ. My dentist recommended it. So this guy sounds like MY dentist, too.)

Now I'm wondering if this works for guys- if I stand in the toothpaste aisle looking completely perplexed (how hard could it be? So many choices...) will a cute girl come along and offer to read the cartons for me, helpfully pointing out that I don't need to buy several tubes to get all the Protection That I Need?

I think I'll try a variation of this guy's awesome strategy next time I'm at the local Giant grocery-- I'll "helpfully" point out to the Cute Girl that "you know, you don't HAVE to buy chocolate syrup AND milk, they have chocolate milk in the cooler over here..." I'm sure we'll be engaged by the time we hit the parking lot. And it won't bother me one bit that I'm engaged to a really stupid girl, because after all, she was just trying to lure me in with her adorable cluelessness, right?