Apology Accepted

In these two cell phone commercials, each for a different product produced by a different company, we get the long-awaited confession from the cell phone industry: that their products, while useful for talking and texting, are now filled with pointless add-ons that you don't really need at all, but that they've been spending years trying to convince you that you can't live without.

In the first ad, the snarky narrator bleats some BS about downloading important sales charts and graphics and what-not in between admitting that what you'll really want to do with this phone is play a pointless, life-sucking video game. This company has so much respect for it's customers that in this commercial the narrator all but TELLS us that he thinks we are witless, drooling losers who may, for the sake of appearances, like to pretend that we are being productive, but in fact are only interested in playing games featuring cartoon birds throwing bombs at pigs ( I think this is what's happening in the game, I've only seen it played once. And that was plenty.) If this offends you, I suggest a good dose of cable news, where we are treated to regular comforting doses of "The American Worker is the Most Productive in World History" backed up by no statistics.

The second ad is confusing and pointless on so many levels, it's actually a little hard to get a handle on. A woman who is apparently auditioning for a spot on "Hoarders" has embarked on a career in entering radio call-in contests (what is this, 1975? Do stations still do this kind of thing?) and cheating by looking up the answers on her phone. Can someone explain to me why one would need a phone which allows you to talk and "surf" (have I mentioned lately how much I hate this century?) at the same time WHILE I AM AT HOME WHERE MY LAPTOP IS? What is this woman doing that could not be done by someone sitting at a home computer? What am I missing?

Also, the woman in this ad clearly gets zero joy out of winning these contests. She looks like her soul quit her body some time ago. She's already won all the cheap crap there is to win. She doesn't like what she already has. She doesn't want any of the prizes. So why does she keep calling in to answer the questions? For the thrill of competition? Um, no- because she CHEATS!! I mean, what the hell?

Maybe we should set aside the content of these ads and just appreciate the fact that cell phone companies are finally willing to admit that they make and market stupid, expensive toys for adults which have very little actual utility in the real world. It's been years since I've seen a cell phone commercial in which someone used a phone to do something important or even mildly helpful, one which made me think "wow, this product really DOES make life more manageable!" I've always suspected that it's because even the people whose job it is to pimp this crap can't come up with a practical use for the downloading, "video sharing," and "gaming" (ugh, can it please be the 20th century again?) capabilities they insist on adding to these phones in an attempt to justify their price and the monthly charges.

This calls for a celebration. Flash Mob at 12? Or 12:30?

Or just admit that you really don't want to leave your house, ever

This whole RV thing has always mystified me. I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of driving a smaller, more cramped, far less comfortable and convenient version of your house to National Parks, into the woods, etc. etc.

For me, there are two ways to see the country. If you are healthy, you strap on a backpack, lace up your hiking boots, and walk through it. You capture the glories of peaceful, unspoiled nature with a camera. You don't barrel through the wilderness, demonstrating Man's mastery over it by crushing it under the wheels of your SUV. And you don't drive your kitchen, living room and bedroom through it, parking it for the evening on some poor groundhog's den and then walk around bitching because trees don't come with electrical outlets.

The second way is if you are old and/or infirm-- you fly to specific sites, and you stay with relatives or in hotels. Hey, I like nature, but I also like to take showers and eat hot food which wasn't dehydrated and sealed in a bag first.

But you really shouldn't try to have it both ways. You want to get away, GET AWAY- leave the familiar surroundings behind for a few days. Don't clog up the highways with your painfully slow, petrol-guzzling mini-houses. Don't frighten the birds and animals with the roar of your gas-powered generators. And stop acting like turtles who can't travel without your fricking shells already.

Or just stay home. Even better.

Somewhere, a very beautiful woman I used to know is cringing...

A few days before I was married, My Intended went to what I think was her 87th fitting. One of her bridesmaids was manipulating a pin and pricked her finger.

My fiancee jumped about five feet away from her Best Friend in the Whole Wide World (it was 1991- nobody had BFFs back then) and screamed at her to keep her finger with the minute drop of blood on it away from her gorgeous, snow-white dress.

Flash forward twenty years, and V-8 gives us the truly preposterous scene of a bride to be going through her own fitting, in her own pristine, snow-white dress, guzzling a bottle of tomato juice and shouting "YES!" because it fits. And no one here thinks it's even the slightest bit MORONIC that a woman is trying to get into a WHITE WEDDING DRESS while drinking a bottle of TOMATO JUICE????

Every time I see this ad, I think of my fiance and her reaction to a pin prick and a drop of blood. I think that if anyone had come within fifty yards of her with an open bottle of TOMATO JUICE, she would have exercised her Second Amendment Rights to eliminate with extreme prejudice.

And this never occurred to you guys over at Stupid Ads Central?

Love is in the Air

From the people who brought us the indescribably (though I did try) stupid, pointless and utterly inane "It's a big deal, this boat" featuring a bitter, mouthy shut-in and her squatting toad of a husband, another "don't try to figure out what this has to do with insurance, we are so twisted and sad we think this is funny" slice of life. Awesome.

I'm sure someone out there can explain to me why this ad is supposed to be even remotely amusing- I Really Hope The Plane Just Crashes Dad, sitting at the airport surrounded by his unruly, jackass spawn, mutters something about how he can't imagine wanting to spend more time with the little creatures who live in his house and are apparently related to him. Clearly every moment spent with these People Who Share My DNA Doesn't Mean We Are Close Or Anything is pure agony. We can see the last of this guy's soul just oozing out of his body as he contemplates the bizarre actions of his neighbors, who actually seem to (gasp) ENJOY being with their kids, even to the point of being willing to drive across the country with them. The thought is absolutely horrifying to this man.

"We'd kill each other" he deadpans. Yes, and that would be a loss to whom, exactly? You sure look like you are ready to die. Your kids look like chips off the old block- disconnected little runts who have long since given up any hope of getting even the smallest amount of actual affection from you, dad, and are instead taking solace in the electronic devices you've tried to placate them with.

This is an ad for an insurance company that "understands the way you live." Ugh, really? So this commercial, and the one featuring "this boat," are supposed to be compelling because they cut through the happy happy joy joy BS that dominates most ads and shows people as they actually are? Well, ok, I'll give them that- I've been in enough airports to know that this is a pretty common sight. But that doesn't mean I find this level of sadness and despair (again, presented as somehow amusing) compelling or even slightly entertaining. I sure as hell don't find it funny.

Tell you what, guys: Show you really understand me by producing an ad explaining why I should buy your f--ing insurance, and spare me the "We understand you- you are a very sad person surrounded by very sad people, in a very sad situation which for some reason you want to protect from disaster, although let's face it, a disaster which shatters this reality would actually be quite welcome." Stop showing me people who really ought to be warmly contemplating the sweet embrace of the grave, and financially screwing over the would-be legatees who made existence a living hell. Because this stuff is just depressing.

(BTW, where's Mom in this ad? Hey Bitter, Soulless Dad- it doesn't take that long to get a latte at Starbucks. I think Mom's made a run for it!)

It's rare to see a Fail this total

(Full Disclosure: I am typing this on a Toshiba Satellite. Last year, with my third Dell laptop falling apart, I decided to give Toshiba a try. No complaints, except that I wish the company would stop trying to sell me it's backup service, and that it's touchpad wasn't so damned sensitive. I also decided to ditch Dell because my fingers burn the letters right off the keyboard after about 18 months- something about the oddly acidic qualities of my fingertips. Very strange. But I digress...)

Ok, at first glance it appears that the entire point of this stupid, offensive assault on our senses is to convince us to pay a little (a lot) more for our Toshiba Laptops by purchasing an optional piece of equipment called an "Impact-Smart Hard Drive?"

So the potential customer is uncertain of the utility of this Not Standard Option- until he imagines a truly bizarre, Not Really Possible In Real Life series of events involving power outages, spoiled milk turning people into zombies, and an unnecessarily graphic, ugly moment of violence. His vivid imagination- not a sales pitch, not a practical example of what could happen if one's laptop gets damaged (loss of data- gee, I came up with that all by myself)-- is what convinces him.

So the actual message of this commercial is- Toshiba offers something called an Impact-Smart Hard Drive. It costs extra, and if you want it, it will delay shipping of your new laptop. And Toshiba can't think of a plausible reason why you'd need it anyway. So unless you are an idiot who thinks that drinking sour milk turns people into zombies, you are perfectly safe in skipping the option and getting your laptop at a lower cost, faster.

On the other hand, if you don't have a lot of money and don't Gotta Get a Dell, this company makes a pretty nice laptop to go along with their stupid, self-defeating commercials.

I bet they even gave him a FULL can of Coke, because after all, we LOVE our Vets!!

(Please skip to 0:53 to watch the commercial being panned.)

Here's another example of a company willing to latch itself to veterans like fricking sucker fish in order to sell the country on the idea of using it's product for reasons which have absolutely, positively NOTHING to do with the quality of the product.

Is Southwest Airlines a good company to work for? Who cares- check out the "patriotic" bunting. Is it easy to buy a ticket on Southwest Airlines? Doesn't matter- check out the red, white and blue balloons. Does Southwest Airlines fly to the place I need to go? Why are you even asking- can't you see the cheering crowds and the mini American flags? Whats' with all the questions- do you Hate America or something?

And this poor spokeschoad, forced to read (in stilted, obviously rehearsed fashion) the lame lines someone scribbled out on a card- if she wasn't such a tool, I might actually feel sorry for her. She actually thanks this ancient vet/pawn/willing backdrop for "honoring our country." What the hell does that even mean? She's thanking him for wearing his uniform and visiting the WWII Memorial in Washington, DC? Isn't thanking him for his service enough?

But if the lickspittle spokesperson isn't to be pitied for her job- imposing herself into every camera shot of the Quite Correctly Honored Veteran- the old veteran certainly is. For some reason, there's a big crowd of people with balloons and flags waiting for him at the airport when he arrives- assembled spontaneously, of course. Because we all know that the moment word gets around an airport that a Veteran Of An Actual Declared War is in the vicinity, we civilians get busy painting signs, arming ourselves with flags, and forming groups determined to Honor that particular vet- or at the very least, give him a smarmy, showy salute as we acknowledge his right to cram himself into a tiny Southwest Airlines puddle-jumping prop plane with zero overhead compartment space before us Lesser Non-Serving Peoples. (As if there's some advantage to be allowed to board one of their cramped coffins with wings first. Notice that no one has ever adopted the idea that maybe vets should have priority EXITING as well as priority BOARDING. Hey, patriotism can be carried only so far!)

Hey Southwest, thanks for not charging a baggage fee (for now. We all know that you'll cave at some point.) Thanks for providing a service which would be considered rather high-level if we still had PeopleExpress to compare it too. But please, leave the old men in uniform alone. Give them discounted tickets because you ought too, not because it's good publicity. Let them board planes first because- well, unless they are elderly, I really don't know how to finish that sentence. But stop acting like you deserve the freaking Medal of Freedom for doing it, ok?

Oh, and get out of the shot. This is not supposed to be about you (haha, who do I think I'm kidding?)

Yep, Old Navy went there. Shall we follow?

My faith in human nature is restored just a little bit (not too much, don't worry) by the reaction the YouTubers are giving to this insulting, nasty little overdose of poetic license from Old Navy. Almost universally, the idiots who usually confine their comments to "LOL!" and "I KNOW THE KID IN THS COMMERSHAL HES IN MY CLASS" and "What song is this?" express outrage at Old Navy's hijacking of "Our Country, 'Tis of Thee" to be used in the service of announcing some sale.

But I imagine that unless Old Navy is overwhelmed with angry calls and possibly a boycott, this is the harbinger of bigger offenses to come. So get ready for "Oh Say Can You See, by the glow of Bud Lite....." and worse. Because shame died a quiet death some time ago, and nothing, absolutely nothing is sacred. Heck, maybe even God Bless America- the song I won't stand for, and I don't give a damn how many angry stares I get- will be appropriated for use in selling Tacos, Cars, or Auto Insurance.

Actually, though- would that be so bad? Man, I hate that song. And at least if it was turned into an offensive commercial jingle, it might not be seen as an appropriate way to inject a little faux patriotism into perfectly innocent Major League Baseball games.