So the reason I'm poor is- I don't have a dog??

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This is becoming a pretty common theme in commercials for investment bankers, "structured settlement" companies, etc: Dogs have money, or dogs worry about money, or dogs have terrific ideas on how to GET money. In this particular ad, Dog is deeply concerned because his Master has money issues (despite living in what looks to be a fairly substantial home in a nice suburban neighborhood.) Master's money issues are so bad, in fact, that Dog's dish is empty. Master can't live on his structured settlement, and Dog is going to die, I guess. I mean, that's the message I get.

Turns out however that Dog has other plans- it involves getting Master to sell his structured settlement for a lump sum. Because Master's crappy money management skills will be solved by killing the golden goose and getting a percentage of the cash all at once, right now. I can see where Dog is coming from- I mean, if Master is getting a million dollars spread out over 25 years, Dog will be long dead before the last check arrives, even if Master does manage to buy Dog food now and then. But if Master can get, say, $250,000 right now, Dog may just live high on the hog for the seven or eight years of life he has left. And once Dog is dead, what does he care if Master regrets surrendering the better part of the settlement and being forced to fend for himself (you know, like 99 percent of us do NOW?)

I don't have a dog- I feed a stray cat which, after three years, will still not let me pet it or bring it into my house (she lets the guy next door pet her though- I'm really close to cutting her off.) I can tell you that this cat has never offered me financial advice. Maybe she saves it for that other guy. Or maybe it's only dogs who know how to handle money. That's certainly the way it looks on tv.

But hey, Master- trust me, your Dog is looking out for himself here, all the way. Because unless you are really desperate, selling out an annuity for a settlement is about as bright as taking a Rapid Refund. Still, I'd like to at least sit down and discuss my investment options with a dog- they sure do seem to think about money a lot.

Dad makes an ass of himself, Part 6,789

Mom starts things off here by announcing that her family wants really good seafood. She's very excited at the idea of eating really amazing seafood, and hopes that of the roughly 80 seafood restaurants within driving distance of their home, there is one that is "serving up" the really amazing seafood she craves.

Dad jumps in to ruin everything, announcing that while really amazing seafood would be great, times are tight and he's really more interested in keeping the cost down. He wants the really amazing seafood for "around ten bucks." This is the common denominator in all Golden Corral commercials- sometimes the family wants baby back ribs. Sometimes they want "comfort food" like meatloaf and macaroni and cheese. Sometimes they want the Ultimate White Trash Thanksgiving. But they ALWAYS want it for Junk Food Money.

This time it's a massive frying pan that comes crashing down, eliminating the competition (which, most likely, makes perfectly good, maybe even great, seafood- but because it's quality, it's not available at ten bucks a plate.) And once again, the smarmy creep of uncertain ethnicity is the only one left standing with a stupid grin on his face, twitching his eyebrows in delighted smugness, knowing that he's about to have the "pleasure" of catering to yet another family of cheap slobs.

And I'm sorry, but while I'm used to stupid punchlines wrapping up these awful commercials, the one the writers handed the dad in this one really pisses me off. "BAM!" delivered in a manner so loud it startles mom- and probably causes every other customer to look up from their troughs to see what the hell just happened? Jesus, what kind of moron would ever do something like this in real life- not only shouting in the middle of a restaurant, but shouting something that has no utility to anyone at the table, and in fact does nothing but announce that Dad Is A Really Cheap Idiot With No Taste Who Gets Easily Excited Over The Idea Of Paying Very Little For Garbage?

"BAM!?" We really can't do better than this, Golden Corral? And I thought "That's Hot!" and "Glad we dropped in!" were bad. This is just embarrassing.

Apology Accepted

In these two cell phone commercials, each for a different product produced by a different company, we get the long-awaited confession from the cell phone industry: that their products, while useful for talking and texting, are now filled with pointless add-ons that you don't really need at all, but that they've been spending years trying to convince you that you can't live without.

In the first ad, the snarky narrator bleats some BS about downloading important sales charts and graphics and what-not in between admitting that what you'll really want to do with this phone is play a pointless, life-sucking video game. This company has so much respect for it's customers that in this commercial the narrator all but TELLS us that he thinks we are witless, drooling losers who may, for the sake of appearances, like to pretend that we are being productive, but in fact are only interested in playing games featuring cartoon birds throwing bombs at pigs ( I think this is what's happening in the game, I've only seen it played once. And that was plenty.) If this offends you, I suggest a good dose of cable news, where we are treated to regular comforting doses of "The American Worker is the Most Productive in World History" backed up by no statistics.

The second ad is confusing and pointless on so many levels, it's actually a little hard to get a handle on. A woman who is apparently auditioning for a spot on "Hoarders" has embarked on a career in entering radio call-in contests (what is this, 1975? Do stations still do this kind of thing?) and cheating by looking up the answers on her phone. Can someone explain to me why one would need a phone which allows you to talk and "surf" (have I mentioned lately how much I hate this century?) at the same time WHILE I AM AT HOME WHERE MY LAPTOP IS? What is this woman doing that could not be done by someone sitting at a home computer? What am I missing?

Also, the woman in this ad clearly gets zero joy out of winning these contests. She looks like her soul quit her body some time ago. She's already won all the cheap crap there is to win. She doesn't like what she already has. She doesn't want any of the prizes. So why does she keep calling in to answer the questions? For the thrill of competition? Um, no- because she CHEATS!! I mean, what the hell?

Maybe we should set aside the content of these ads and just appreciate the fact that cell phone companies are finally willing to admit that they make and market stupid, expensive toys for adults which have very little actual utility in the real world. It's been years since I've seen a cell phone commercial in which someone used a phone to do something important or even mildly helpful, one which made me think "wow, this product really DOES make life more manageable!" I've always suspected that it's because even the people whose job it is to pimp this crap can't come up with a practical use for the downloading, "video sharing," and "gaming" (ugh, can it please be the 20th century again?) capabilities they insist on adding to these phones in an attempt to justify their price and the monthly charges.

This calls for a celebration. Flash Mob at 12? Or 12:30?

Or just admit that you really don't want to leave your house, ever

This whole RV thing has always mystified me. I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of driving a smaller, more cramped, far less comfortable and convenient version of your house to National Parks, into the woods, etc. etc.

For me, there are two ways to see the country. If you are healthy, you strap on a backpack, lace up your hiking boots, and walk through it. You capture the glories of peaceful, unspoiled nature with a camera. You don't barrel through the wilderness, demonstrating Man's mastery over it by crushing it under the wheels of your SUV. And you don't drive your kitchen, living room and bedroom through it, parking it for the evening on some poor groundhog's den and then walk around bitching because trees don't come with electrical outlets.

The second way is if you are old and/or infirm-- you fly to specific sites, and you stay with relatives or in hotels. Hey, I like nature, but I also like to take showers and eat hot food which wasn't dehydrated and sealed in a bag first.

But you really shouldn't try to have it both ways. You want to get away, GET AWAY- leave the familiar surroundings behind for a few days. Don't clog up the highways with your painfully slow, petrol-guzzling mini-houses. Don't frighten the birds and animals with the roar of your gas-powered generators. And stop acting like turtles who can't travel without your fricking shells already.

Or just stay home. Even better.

Somewhere, a very beautiful woman I used to know is cringing...

A few days before I was married, My Intended went to what I think was her 87th fitting. One of her bridesmaids was manipulating a pin and pricked her finger.

My fiancee jumped about five feet away from her Best Friend in the Whole Wide World (it was 1991- nobody had BFFs back then) and screamed at her to keep her finger with the minute drop of blood on it away from her gorgeous, snow-white dress.

Flash forward twenty years, and V-8 gives us the truly preposterous scene of a bride to be going through her own fitting, in her own pristine, snow-white dress, guzzling a bottle of tomato juice and shouting "YES!" because it fits. And no one here thinks it's even the slightest bit MORONIC that a woman is trying to get into a WHITE WEDDING DRESS while drinking a bottle of TOMATO JUICE????

Every time I see this ad, I think of my fiance and her reaction to a pin prick and a drop of blood. I think that if anyone had come within fifty yards of her with an open bottle of TOMATO JUICE, she would have exercised her Second Amendment Rights to eliminate with extreme prejudice.

And this never occurred to you guys over at Stupid Ads Central?

Love is in the Air

From the people who brought us the indescribably (though I did try) stupid, pointless and utterly inane "It's a big deal, this boat" featuring a bitter, mouthy shut-in and her squatting toad of a husband, another "don't try to figure out what this has to do with insurance, we are so twisted and sad we think this is funny" slice of life. Awesome.

I'm sure someone out there can explain to me why this ad is supposed to be even remotely amusing- I Really Hope The Plane Just Crashes Dad, sitting at the airport surrounded by his unruly, jackass spawn, mutters something about how he can't imagine wanting to spend more time with the little creatures who live in his house and are apparently related to him. Clearly every moment spent with these People Who Share My DNA Doesn't Mean We Are Close Or Anything is pure agony. We can see the last of this guy's soul just oozing out of his body as he contemplates the bizarre actions of his neighbors, who actually seem to (gasp) ENJOY being with their kids, even to the point of being willing to drive across the country with them. The thought is absolutely horrifying to this man.

"We'd kill each other" he deadpans. Yes, and that would be a loss to whom, exactly? You sure look like you are ready to die. Your kids look like chips off the old block- disconnected little runts who have long since given up any hope of getting even the smallest amount of actual affection from you, dad, and are instead taking solace in the electronic devices you've tried to placate them with.

This is an ad for an insurance company that "understands the way you live." Ugh, really? So this commercial, and the one featuring "this boat," are supposed to be compelling because they cut through the happy happy joy joy BS that dominates most ads and shows people as they actually are? Well, ok, I'll give them that- I've been in enough airports to know that this is a pretty common sight. But that doesn't mean I find this level of sadness and despair (again, presented as somehow amusing) compelling or even slightly entertaining. I sure as hell don't find it funny.

Tell you what, guys: Show you really understand me by producing an ad explaining why I should buy your f--ing insurance, and spare me the "We understand you- you are a very sad person surrounded by very sad people, in a very sad situation which for some reason you want to protect from disaster, although let's face it, a disaster which shatters this reality would actually be quite welcome." Stop showing me people who really ought to be warmly contemplating the sweet embrace of the grave, and financially screwing over the would-be legatees who made existence a living hell. Because this stuff is just depressing.

(BTW, where's Mom in this ad? Hey Bitter, Soulless Dad- it doesn't take that long to get a latte at Starbucks. I think Mom's made a run for it!)

It's rare to see a Fail this total

(Full Disclosure: I am typing this on a Toshiba Satellite. Last year, with my third Dell laptop falling apart, I decided to give Toshiba a try. No complaints, except that I wish the company would stop trying to sell me it's backup service, and that it's touchpad wasn't so damned sensitive. I also decided to ditch Dell because my fingers burn the letters right off the keyboard after about 18 months- something about the oddly acidic qualities of my fingertips. Very strange. But I digress...)

Ok, at first glance it appears that the entire point of this stupid, offensive assault on our senses is to convince us to pay a little (a lot) more for our Toshiba Laptops by purchasing an optional piece of equipment called an "Impact-Smart Hard Drive?"

So the potential customer is uncertain of the utility of this Not Standard Option- until he imagines a truly bizarre, Not Really Possible In Real Life series of events involving power outages, spoiled milk turning people into zombies, and an unnecessarily graphic, ugly moment of violence. His vivid imagination- not a sales pitch, not a practical example of what could happen if one's laptop gets damaged (loss of data- gee, I came up with that all by myself)-- is what convinces him.

So the actual message of this commercial is- Toshiba offers something called an Impact-Smart Hard Drive. It costs extra, and if you want it, it will delay shipping of your new laptop. And Toshiba can't think of a plausible reason why you'd need it anyway. So unless you are an idiot who thinks that drinking sour milk turns people into zombies, you are perfectly safe in skipping the option and getting your laptop at a lower cost, faster.

On the other hand, if you don't have a lot of money and don't Gotta Get a Dell, this company makes a pretty nice laptop to go along with their stupid, self-defeating commercials.