You needed Ancestry.com to tell you this?

Right now, some writer at Saturday Night Live is wondering why he didn't do that Ancestry.com skit he had juggling around in the back of his mind when he had the chance. Blown opportunity- because no SNL bit could be as funny as this commercial is.

Of course, what makes this particular episode of the "I'm significant because a dead person who is related to me was significant" chronicles so amusing is that the stupidity is entirely unintentional. Brought to us by Ancesty.com/au, the Australian version, it features a woman who is completely dumbfounded- and slightly scandalized- to have discovered that one of her ancestors back in the Land Down Under was--- get this---a CONVICT!!

You know, lady, maybe this would not have come as such a shock to you if you had taken just a little time to learn SOMETHING of your continent/nation's history. You see, stupid, Australia was absorbed into the British Empire in the 1700s (though originally discovered by the Dutch, its shoreline was most expertly mapped by England's greatest explorer, Captain James Cook.) By the end of that century, the tiny, overcrowded island's government had decided that it would be a good idea to use Australia as a place to relocate it's population of "criminals" (I use the term loosely- English citizens were sentenced to "transportation" for crimes as petty as debt.) The vast majority of English-speaking peoples settling in Australia in the 18th and early 19th century were, in fact, convicted felons.

So for you to express AMAZEMENT that one of your ancestors in Australia was a CONVICT just reveals how stunningly ignorant you are of your native land's origins. Seriously, what's next? Look a little deeper, and you might find that a Swedish relative had (wait for it) BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES!! You needed Ancestry.com to learn this? Really?

If you had told me that your family's Australian roots go back 200 years, I could have told you this myself, and with a great deal of confidence, too. And I could have spared you the charge you incurred by clicking that stupid leaf.

What a clueless dope.

If I had a nail gun right now, this tv would be history

I don't know how amazing Geothermal energy is- if it doesn't require frakking to get at, if it doesn't require burning "clean coal" (snigger) or finding mountains in which we have to deposit tons of nuclear waste which will still be around when your grandchildren's grandchildren are shopping for nursing homes, I'm all for it. Except...

This is not the commercial to sell me on Geothermal energy, Bosch, because for the entire thirty-one seconds this ad graced my father's big screen television, all I could think of was how many ways I'd like to do serious injury to this jackass kid.

Frying pan to the face- that one came first. Sledgehammer to the skull. Just smashing his smarmy puss into a concrete wall (warmed by geothermal energy, if you please) again, and again, and again.

Is this what you were going for, Bosch? Because right now, I hate Geothermal energy, and will continue to hate it as long as I have to associate it with this know-it-all dick. I hate Geothermal energy, and I hate you too, Bosch, because you inflicted this noxious little nub of a spokeschoad onto us innocent viewers, who were just trying to watch the Red Sox beat the Indians in peace.

Hey Big Oil- here's your chance. Hire this kid to appear in one of your ads. Have him die in a particularly horrible way at the end of the ad. Not only would I back off my criticism of your industry, but I might even go along with letting you drill in the only known remaining habitat of the Kodiak bear.

Hey, could you have the kid being mauled and eaten by a bear? Just asking.

Emulate Goofus, Sneer at Gallant

When I first saw this commercial, I actually thought that the guy with the law books (they say "LAW" all over them, just in case we don't get it) was looking for the place to take the Bar Exam, and instead got talked into blowing it off and spending the day guzzling beer with a bunch of not-at-all-clever losers. I tried to imagine the hate that must exist in the jerks who could write such an ad (it's actually becoming easier all the time, since it's clear that being a hateful sociopath is a prerequisite for a career in advertising.)

On the second or third viewing, I realized that in fact, this guy is not living some updated version of the High School Nightmare, where the student is rushing around madly trying to find the room where he is supposed to be taking the Algebra Final. It's not quite THAT bad. Instead, he's trying to find a study group.

So he's not at the end of his Law School Career, ready to take the test which will allow him to get his law license. He's a student, willing to go the extra mile by joining a study session designed to help him better understand his subject, get good grades, and pass that Bar Exam when the time comes. Good for him!

Unfortunately, he's waylaid by knuckle-dragging, drifting, purposeless jackanapes who apparently think that all of this "studying" and "planning" and "ambition" crap is for the birds, and what life is really all about is the drinking. The only "Bar Exam" this guy has to worry about involves reading the labels on beer bottles. Like the Designated Weak Kid in any Horatio Alger novel, our patsy quickly abandons the lame idea of working with like-minded individuals in preparing for a lucrative career and fulfilling life in favor of an evening of guzzling crappy beer with total strangers. Total strangers who thought that printing up fliers reading "BAR EXAM STUDY GROUP" in order to trick earnest young law students into buying beer was somehow witty.

Total strangers which include hot girls willing to steal beers right out of his hands, apparently for no other purpose than to be able to utter the Again Not-At-All-Clever punchline "so sue me." On what planet is THIS funny? Is it a pick-up line- is the guy supposed to follow the girl back to her table (or her car) to get his beer- or a reasonable substitute- back? Is stealing a beer the modern equivalent of dropping a kerchief or signing a dance card? Or is this just another example of a Beautiful Woman Doing What Beautiful Women Get To Do?

The bottom line for advertisements like this seems to be the utter contempt that the writers have for things like studying, ambition, hard work, etc. All those things are well and good, as long as they don't interfere with the primary purpose in life, which is to drink beer, eat crap, and have fun. Whether it's breaking up the office routine with a "spontaneous" party ("Here We Go!") or interrupting a guy's plans to hit the law books, it's all about having a good time and letting work- and tomorrow- take care of itself. This guy wants to be a good student, so he can be a good lawyer- what a lame dork! What he really needs is a beer and sex with a girl whose idea of foreplay is to steal that beer.

And yet, the MSM continues to tell me that Americans are the hardest-working, most productive employees in the world. I really need to travel more.

The TV-less walk from the living room to the driveway must be a living hell

You know, it's not super-obnoxious that all these Xfinity commercials use stupid graphics that are fast becoming ho-hum boring been there done that what else you got in terms of keeping our attention. After a while, it's easy to just let your eyes glass over- especially when you realize that all these "cool" graphics are there to make a very simple point- that Xfinity offers the opportunity to avoid exercise, conversation, sex and everything else that makes life worthwhile while you watch Season 8 of "The Office" for the 23rd time.

I'd rather focus on one very painfully obvious, though not mentioned, little catch that goes along with the "watch everywhere, watch anywhere, watch all the freaking time" Xfinity theme: to use this Amazingly Convenient New Technology which allows you to pause and change rooms, pause and change rooms, pause and change rooms over and over again in a way which makes the Amazing Convenient New Technology at all useful, one must live in a house with a lot of rooms and have the wherewithal to purchase a lot of television sets.

I mean, I have a big apartment, but it's only one bedroom. Besides the one bedroom, I have a tiny living room, a den for my office, a tiny kitchen and a walk in closet. So if I got this Xfinity package, I would almost feel compelled to Pause and Resume my way around a place where I can see the Only Television I Currently Own from almost every vantage point right now. (In fact, I think that if I had four additional televisions installed, I would probably end up being able to watch at least two or three at the same time. Besides feeling like I'm Winston Smith in "1984.")

Or maybe Xfinity is so expensive, it's really only available to people who own big houses furnished with six big screen televisions already?

Ok, maybe this whole "now you can have more fun in your House With More Televisions Than Chairs" theme is what is really bothering me here. Why do these people feel the need to wander around like this? What is so hard about sitting in the ONE damn room devoted to television viewing? Is it Restless Leg Syndrome? Because You Can Syndrome? What?

We Should Be So Lucky

First- I am in no way attempting to excuse the rude, disgusting behavior of the idiots in this ad. To me, libraries are still sacred places. The idea of people eating freaking candy bars while flipping through old books, leaving sticky fingerprints on books lovingly donated with the best of intentions or on PC keyboards- I mean, come on, some of us are still trying to have a Society here.

But you know what? I've spent enough time in libraries recently to know that if the worst that today's current generation of slobs could come up with is snapping Kit Kats and grunting "mmm" every few seconds, we non-pathetic library lovers would be quite appreciative. But it's not- not even close. Instead, over the past year I've witnessed

1) Full-throated conversations carried on at a volume better suited for subway stations

2) thoughtless jackasses listening to music on their I Pods. In the library. Again- more appropriate for subway stations

3) Any number of knuckle-dragging, clueless choads listening to rap music, speeches, and pretty much everything else on library PCs (I've asked librarians- "if you MUST provide internet access, why can't you at LEAST deactivate the volume?" They always look at me like I've got a second head growing out of my neck.)

So please, Anti-Social, Rude Pricks Who Insist on Putting Yourselves on Display at my Local Library- take a hint from this commercial and confine your stunning lack of common sense and dignity to breaking candy bars and letting us know that you like the taste. Because behavior that would have been almost scandalous a couple of decades ago would be almost a breath of fresh air these days.

But please- stay off the computers, and don't open any rare books. We can ignore the stupid, satisfied sighs- and in real life, Kit Kats really don't make that much noise when you break them.

Current Status: Clueless

Amanda is quite certain that everything that happens to her, anywhere, at any time, is worth posting to her Facebook account. And apparently she's become very good at finding Facebook "friends" willing to act as total enablers to her obsession with spending her life in the public eye- every. single. moment of it.

And now she's found a phone that fits her life (as if the words "life" and "Amanda" really go together. ) Here's a phone/camera/best friend in the whole wide world which allows her to post every stupid, pointless, vapid "activity" instantly on Facebook. I especially enjoy the way she provides her own soundtrack, which fits exactly with what I would expect to be echoing through that rather empty chamber she calls her brain case- "la de da da da...." If there is a woman out there with ditzy cartoon noises echoing between her ears, it has to be this dullard.

"La di da di da" is the perfect theme of a woman who has a real purpose in life- to buy stuff, and to show people what she bought, and to use what she bought to annoy the hell out of the rest of us. Personally, I think that letting Amanda buy this stupid little toy is like giving an arsonist a pile of oily rags, or handing an alcoholic the keys to the wine cellar. Because in my humble opinion, this weirdo needs help, not even more "connectivity."

And I think the Best Buy Employee would agree with me here- she also needs to be taught the concept of Personal Space. Hey, Amanda- the undereducated part-timer who happened to be roaming the floor when you decided to wander in and enhance your collection of electronic junk probably isn't really all that interested in getting "tagged" wearing her ugly blue work shirt by a total stranger with too much money to spare. She's not your "friend," and she's not an f--ing prop to be displayed on your homepage, ok?

Innocent Bystander at the Disaster Date?

I've gone off on online dating sites before, but I think Zoosk deserves it's own post, because the company seems to be specializing in creating relationships for what is a surprisingly large population of extremely good-looking yet oddly available extroverted sluts. Unlike eHarmony, Zoosk seems determined to sell itself as a site featuring only very hot, very sexually available young people who, inexplicably, can't seem to find dates on their own.

Oh, and it seems that Zoosks' clientele must be at least as stupid and vapid as it is attractive. Exhibit A is today's featured ad, which features a woman explaining to her friend how a little tryst at the office went bad. I guess.

Here's how the "office romance" worked- the woman in question could barely wait for the door of the copy room to close before crawling all over the object of her- umm, affection? Except for the fact that the instigator is a woman, this would make for a rather comical situation- in a 1970s sitcom. In the age of sexual harassment lawsuits, all this seems incredibly crass and retro and out of place.

When the two "lovers" emerge from the copy room, the woman looks like she's rather hastily dressed herself, and the guy has inky palm prints on his ass. Again- imagine the sexes being reversed here. Now try to imagine this ad running in the United States, in the year 2011. Not Likely.

Remembering this "comical" (actually "unprofessional," "inappropriate," "insulting," "degrading" all come to mind before the word "comical," but I'm trying to figure out what the makers of this mess were going for) scene, Our Heroine tells her friend "I think I'll just stick to Zoosk...." And now this all gets very confusing. From what we see, the Office Romance seems to have gone quite well- not only did she hit it off with her fellow coworker, but they did it in the office, on the company's dime. If it was a little bit awkward, that was only because of a stunning lack of foresight and common sense on the part of the frisky couple. There's no indication that she didn't have a really good time, or that she doesn't like the guy she apparently just banged on the Xerox machine. She doesn't look embarrassed (seriously, how could she, after all but announcing to the entire Sales Department that "me and this guy are about to have sex in here, people!?") Yet, remembering the reaction of her fellow employees, she decides that she is no longer interested in Jack from Accounting, and would have better luck hooking up with some anonymous creep posting at a dating website?

Or maybe she and Jack got canned five seconds after she walked out of the copy room with her blouse hanging out, and pissed-off Jack blamed her for the scandal which cost him his job?

Or maybe, in recalling this sordid little episode, she forgets to mention the six weeks of sensitivity training the office is requiring her to go through if she doesn't want to be hitting the unemployment line?

Or maybe, just after the climax, she noticed that ewwww Jack from Accounting has a small amount of gray hair, and is therefore Nowhere Near As Attractive as she thought he was?

I don't get what's going on here at all. If this woman likes Jack from Accounting, why can't they date (and by "date," I mean go out to eat, take in a movie, and have sex like normal people- in a bed, in private?) This woman actually acts like she's the victim of somebody else's bad decision- "I let down my hair, locked myself in the copy room with this guy, and we molested each other for about three minutes. Boy, THAT was sure a disaster- I'd better stick to Zoosk from now on!" What am I missing here?