Hey look, Joe the Plumber has a new job, and a new truck!

This Actual Ford Owner was certainly surprised at finding himself ambushed by the press, but that didn't stop him from spewing several lines of condescending, faux-patriotic BS no doubt embedded into his cerebral cortex through endless hours of watching FOX News.

"I wasn't going to buy a car that had to be bailed out by the American Government; I wanted a company that could stand on it's own, win, lose or draw...." I wish I was one of the "reporters" at this "Press Conference," so I could ask Mr. Libertarian if he knew where he could jam his self-righteous self reliance. I'm sure THAT would have come as a surprise.

I might also ask Daniel Boone if he knows where he can go to get that stick currently shoved up his ass removed, and where he gets off pronouncing judgment on car companies which, yes, did borrow money from the government- but are also in the process of paying it back, with interest.

Given a follow-up opportunity, I might ask if this pompous dick really believes that the fact that other American car companies have borrowed money from the US Government really justifies buying a Found On Road Dead piece of junk like a Ford truck. Hey, moron- maybe Ford avoided the cash flow problem by successfully convincing drooling mouth-breathers like you to buy their crappy, Every Corner Cut products instead of the higher-quality (and more expensive) vehicles produced by it's competitors. I wonder if this guy does all his shopping at Wal Mart, then sneers at the neighborhood hardware and grocery stores which are going out of business because they failed to "stand on their own."

I might conclude my questions by inquiring if this guy has ever asked someone to co-sign a loan for him, ever applied for unemployment benefits, or ever utilized libraries, the fire or police departments, emergency rooms, or public education. In other words, if he's been following his own economic and political philosophies and has always worshiped the concept of "standing on his own."

Because seriously, I only take drivel like this from Actual Ford Owners who can Walk the Walk as well as they Talk the Talk- win, lose or draw.

Wait, let me take that back. Actually, I don't take pompous drivel like this from anyone. Bite me, Ford.

Because Outside is a big, scary place with stuff like wind and bugs!

1. "I thought you were playing with your friends." "I am."

Um, no you are NOT. You are sitting on your ass in front of a fricking computer screen, wasting your life with some stupid video game. You aren't playing- playing involves moving, and (when you do it right) sweating, heavy breathing, and getting dirty or wet while burning calories. And you aren't "with your friends"- that involves eye contact and the development of basic social skills.

2. Not only are Mom and Dad ok with this, but Mom usurps Son's place in front of this generation's Idiot Box to chat with Son's friend's mom. Way to model great behavior there, Mom. But dad is much, much worse- he's actually in the next room (they can't even be in the same room? It's come to THAT?), armed with one of those stupid headsets (used to convince the user that he's doing something of importance and not behaving like a clueless child,) wondering why he and his Son didn't carry out their plan to "storm the castle."

Gee, "storming the castle" seems like it could be kind of fun- if the castle were a tree house, or a snow fort. Because....

3. We can see that all this non-activity is taking place IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Nothing new- in many of the "its fun to Do Xfinity" commercials, we see entire families sitting their well-fed rumps down to watch television as sunlight streams through the living room window. When I was a kid, my parents would NEVER allow us to be indoors on beautiful, sunny days (or cloudy, cool days. Or basically any time there wasn't a monsoon or blizzard raging.) That didn't mean that we kids were always active- sometimes I would grab a book off the shelf and head for the woods, where I'd sit under a tree all day, reading. But most of the time, being exiled from the house meant days of riding bicycles, playing hide and seek and tag, and basically using our imaginations to invent games to keep ourselves occupied. Sit inside? Not an option. And I don't recall having a big problem with that.

Nowadays, shutting yourself up in the house in the middle of a beautiful day seems an acceptable alternative to fresh air and sunshine, just as "gaming" (gag) seems an acceptable alternative to actual exercise (gee, I just can't figure out how Obesity became the Epidemic of the First World, can you?)

Ok, so Verizon's got this product that they want to sell us, and there's apparently a big market for their "service," because "the average home has more than four internet-connected devices" (and fewer and fewer socially-connected, functioning human beings, apparently.) But please tell me that "families" like this one are rare in real life. Please tell me that in the real world, it's not common for people to isolate themselves like this, substituting points and clicks for running and jumping. Please tell me that in the real world, we are NOT turning into a nation of fat, pale trolls afraid to emerge from our caves no matter HOW brightly that sun is shining.

I mean, if we are so glued to our houses, why did G-d invent cell phones?

The Hyundai Summer of Shame Event

"Uncensored," Hyundai? You use this word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I'm pretty sure that if you stuck a "hidden camera" (yeah, right- a hidden camera which magically knows when to switch from driver to passenger and back again to catch "spontaneous" comments and responses) into the dashboard of a Hyundai, you might OCCASIONALLY catch a remark here and there that is not 100 percent gushing praise of the South Korean import. Where are the comments about that Honda they drove yesterday that was also pretty nice, or the conversations which have nothing to do with Hyundais at all?

I simply do not believe that these are "uncensored" testimonials from people who have no idea they are being filmed. Therefore, Hyundai, I think your commercials are deceptive and insulting. Let's cut to the chase- I think you are lying to us when you call this ad campaign "Hyundai Uncensored." I think you are doing it deliberately. I think that these people are well aware that they are being filmed, and if they aren't actually reading off a script, they are given "suggestions" on what to say IF they would like to appear on a nationally-broadcast television commercial.

When you show four or five people bleating the same "forty miles to the gallon!?" line, that kind of reveals that this is not "uncensored." You see, Hyundai, whenever you cut stuff out, you've censored it. And unless all these people came up with "Forty miles to the gallon!" at the same time, this has gone through the splicer. Fail.

More- I think these commercials show your utter disdain for the buying public if you REALLY expect us to swallow this crap as legitimate.

Which leads me to wonder- what are you really trying to accomplish here? If your goal is to irritate the hell out of us by pushing the dishonesty envelope, mission accomplished- but you are still miles behind cell phone companies in that department. If you were just trying to see what you could get away with, well-- you can say pretty much anything you want in a commercial, unless it's for medication, and even then the laws are pretty damned lax.

Meanwhile, I'd really like to know what your definition of "Uncensored" is. Because to you, it seems to be "choreographed, scripted, and edited to the bone." And you really thought we wouldn't notice?

INCONCEIVABLE!

They could at least throw in a bundle of Sham-Wows

Ok, here's how it really works:

MyCleanPC.com, DoubleMySpeed.Com, FinallyFast.com etc. etc. all sell you the same "service." Each company preys on the roughly 99.9 percent of us who don't know how computers work and don't care to learn. We know there are these scary things called "viruses" which may lead to "identity theft" and "security breaches" and "inability to access Facebook within five seconds oh my God why don't I just kill myself now?" We know that every once in a while (every two or three minutes) we see something pop up on our screens that we don't recognize and which does not disappear when we swat at it. Anyway, these companies promise to "clean" our computers of scary stuff and continue our march toward having Absolutely No Patience At All.

They all work the same way, too. Once you are conned....errr, convinced...into allowing these scum-sucking scam artists access to your computer, their "free diagnosis" MAGICALLY reveals that OH MY GOD YOUR COMPUTER HAS ROUGHLY TWENTY-SEVEN THOUSAND PROBLEMS ITS REALLY AMAZING THAT IT'S STILL FUNCTIONING AT ALL! Pretty much all of these "problems" are things called Registry Errors, and being told that you need to fix them is the equivalent of a car dealer telling you that you need to trade in your Honda for a new Lexus because your current ride has dirt in the tire treads.

So now that you are scared out of your mind by the flashing red lights and the endless REGISTRY ERROR messages, you sign up to have your PC "cleaned" via a download, available the instant you provide a valid credit card number and put your remaining brain cells into a safety deposit box. Within seconds (lots of seconds) the Registry Errors are magically removed- and magically replaced by custom-made viruses which will just as magically appear at regular intervals to convince you that you need to subscribe to Registry Defender for a monthly or yearly fee in order to keep your computer "safe." That this is the equivalent of paying Protection money to a gang of goons because "it looks like you've got a nice laptop here, be a shame if anything were to happen to it" doesn't occur to most of us techno-idiots, because hey, isn't that illegal?

Here's what I don't get about all these commercials (besides the already-implied "why is this legal?") Why can't Best Buy, Toshiba, Wal Mart, Dell, Sony, etc. give every customer a 30-second warning NOT to fall for this crap? I mean, how long would it take to hook buyers up with decent antivirus and antispyware protection before they leave the store or the website AND explain why it's important? Wouldn't that just be good customer service?

And again- WHY IS THIS LEGAL????

Sorry; It's the teacher in me...

This commercial makes an excellent point, actually. After a long day of raping, pillaging, beheading, burning, converting and infecting entire tribes of once-peaceful aboriginals, the last thing the European Tourists visiting the Caribbean wanted was to have all those good times ruined by an accident caused by drinking rum to excess.

After all, when the night of partying and spending the gold you obtained by melting down religious artifacts or holding children hostage has passed, there's another day of civilization-destroying and disease-spreading ahead of you. And you wouldn't want to miss that because you didn't designate a "driver" the night before.

I'd like to take a moment now and express my appreciation to the makers of Captain Morgan Rum and Disney Studios for providing us with an unerringly accurate picture of life in the Caribbean in the 1600s, without which this commercial would make no sense. Thanks for making my job easier, guys!

I don't want you to hate me- so don't watch the trailer. Just read the post.

If I go to see this pile of manipulative, hackneyed tripe posing as a summer date movie, I want to know at what point the line "when did you and I stop being us?" is uttered, so I have an idea of exactly how much time I have to pry my seat from the floor so I'm ready to hurl it at the screen.

If I go to see this musty, stale 90 minutes or so of painfully familiar drivel, I want someone to explain to me why Steve Carell is already doing a sequel to "The Forty Year Old Virgin." I also want to know when Steve Carell's fifteen minutes will be over. Because according to my watch, it was supposed to be sometime last week.

If I go to see this steaming, cavity-inducing sugar-laden Been There Seen That Where Do I Go To Get a Refund For The Two Hours I Spent Being Laughed at By Hollywood bowl of treacle, will someone PLEASE mistake me for John Dillinger and shoot me in the back of the head? It doesn't matter if you do it as I'm entering the theater or exiting. If you do it as I'm entering, you've "robbed" me of an hour and a half of my life that was hardly going to be worth living anyway. If you blow me away as I'm exiting, you take me down as I'm mulling when exactly my universe spun so hopelessly out of control that I would actually PAY to see something called "Crazy Stupid Love" and be reminded that screenwriters continue to believe that the country is filled with gorgeous women waiting to throw themselves at divorced, fortysomething men- as long as they know how to dress properly. Either way. It's all good.

I know it's too much to ask, but please- no more of these Fill in the Blank Dime a Dozen smarmy "romances" for a while, ok? They hurt my soul like you would not believe. On the other hand, I thought "Captain America" was fun, and am willing to forgive the groan-worthy last-minute obligatory appearance of Samuel L Jackson in the closing scene. It didn't hurt that Steve Carell was nowhere to be seen, and that we never once heard the phrase "when did you and I stop being us?"

I mean, come on. Gag.

You needed Ancestry.com to tell you this?

Right now, some writer at Saturday Night Live is wondering why he didn't do that Ancestry.com skit he had juggling around in the back of his mind when he had the chance. Blown opportunity- because no SNL bit could be as funny as this commercial is.

Of course, what makes this particular episode of the "I'm significant because a dead person who is related to me was significant" chronicles so amusing is that the stupidity is entirely unintentional. Brought to us by Ancesty.com/au, the Australian version, it features a woman who is completely dumbfounded- and slightly scandalized- to have discovered that one of her ancestors back in the Land Down Under was--- get this---a CONVICT!!

You know, lady, maybe this would not have come as such a shock to you if you had taken just a little time to learn SOMETHING of your continent/nation's history. You see, stupid, Australia was absorbed into the British Empire in the 1700s (though originally discovered by the Dutch, its shoreline was most expertly mapped by England's greatest explorer, Captain James Cook.) By the end of that century, the tiny, overcrowded island's government had decided that it would be a good idea to use Australia as a place to relocate it's population of "criminals" (I use the term loosely- English citizens were sentenced to "transportation" for crimes as petty as debt.) The vast majority of English-speaking peoples settling in Australia in the 18th and early 19th century were, in fact, convicted felons.

So for you to express AMAZEMENT that one of your ancestors in Australia was a CONVICT just reveals how stunningly ignorant you are of your native land's origins. Seriously, what's next? Look a little deeper, and you might find that a Swedish relative had (wait for it) BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES!! You needed Ancestry.com to learn this? Really?

If you had told me that your family's Australian roots go back 200 years, I could have told you this myself, and with a great deal of confidence, too. And I could have spared you the charge you incurred by clicking that stupid leaf.

What a clueless dope.