In a way, I miss being patronized.

Some time ago, I posted on a commercial for cell phone service which frankly admitted that all this guff about faster download times and "connectivity" sold to make the consumer more "productive" was just a big, steaming pile of crap, and that the advertisers understood full well that what they were really selling was an expensive, pointless toy whose main purpose was to make it easier for you to waste time. (Remember, all you REALLY want to do with lightning-fast cell phone service is get that "work" out of the way so you can "go back to playing Angry Birds.")

Well, I guess the "let's face it, we have nothing of value to sell" frank honesty has become a bit of a fad, because that is definitely the message of this Charter Internet commercial. Preteen girl wants Charter so she can surf stupid Youtube videos (because unless you are the author of a blog which slams commercials, why would ANYONE spend time on Youtube?) spend hour after hour chatting and adding photos on Facebook, and plotting to meet up with her boyfriend (good lord, is this girl 13 years old? Boyfriend? Seriously?) after Mom and Dad pass out in front of whatever piece of crap they downloaded on to the tv. TV parents being TV parents, they really don't need to be talked into providing another terrible example of Failure in Parenting 101-- they want Charter Internet too. And because this is a TV commercial, naturally if the parents want something, that means that Preteen Daughter has full access to it, too.

Mom is "on to" her daughter, and doesn't believe a word of her crap about using the internet to be a better student. She knows full well that faster download speeds means Daughter spends more time on social networking sites, listening to inappropriate music, and avoiding schoolwork. Mom simply. Doesn't. Care. And even if daughter gets the translation- that Mom KNOWS she's being lied to- what difference does that make? She's getting what she wants!

And Dad....oh, yes, we must spend a brief moment with Dad. If mom has stopped caring, if mom has decided that there is no point in trying to provide boundaries for Daughter, what are we to make of Dad's position? "Whatever your Mother Wants." Perfect. You fit right into TV land, "Dad."

The providers of Charter Internet want us to know that they they, too, are "on to us." They know that the Internet is basically a vast Wasteland of Dumb. And frankly, they are bored with playing the Look How Useful and Enriching It Can Be game. And really, who can blame Charter? McDonalds doesn't make commercials telling us about the nutritional value of Big Macs- they just tell us "hey, this tastes good. Eat it." Well, this is junk food of another type. I have to admit, I kind of like the honesty. I think.

Ball's back in your court, Hyundai

It's quite possible that the last honest moment of this episode of Ford's Bullshit Press Conferences campaign comes when the woman stepping out of the car is identified as a "Real Ford Owner." I'm willing to buy that- the rest of the commercial certainly suggests that she's dumb enough to have purchased this piece of crap.

Pretty much the rest of the commercial is a "hybrid" ( couldn't resist) of the dishonest and the nonsensical. First, we get the "Really Surprised" caption and a freeze frame that this pathetic actress wanabee sellout should never, EVER be allowed to live down. EVER. Yes, I'm just SO CERTAIN that this woman had no idea why she had been invited to Ford HQ, and has now been "ambushed" by a press conference in which she is invited to chirp nonsense about her new car purchase. Seriously- would anyone not being paid to help stage garbage like this say anything other than "frankly, I'm appalled that Ford, having overcharged me for a car of far lesser quality than a Honda or Toyota, would pull a stunt like this?" We are never told on what pretext this woman was induced to show up at the "Press Conference" in the first place- if this were legit, I'd imagine it had something to do with an emergency recall, problems with doors that won't unlock, faulty brakes, or any number of completely believable problems associated with Ford.

The very first "question" asked of the Really Surprised No Seriously She Had No Idea This Was Going to Happen subject is "You...are an environmental scientist..." Ok, not really a question, but it's necessary to give her the opening to blather on about how efficient her car is. Except, I don't quite get how being an "environmental scientist" makes you an expert on car engines. I DO get how being handed a check from Ford does.

(And don't you get the sensation that long before this woman's incredibly long-winded, Nothing to Do With Being An Environmental Scientist answer is completed, the "reporter" is really, really sorry he asked the question?)

And what's with the constant fading and wiping, suggesting that a lot of time is passing during this "press conference?" This woman's sentences are not broken up even as the picture fades in and out. What the hell?

So here's the big question- which car company is being more shamelessly dishonest this summer- Hyundai with it's "candid, hidden camera" test drives, or Ford with these phony-as-three-dollar-bills "press conferences?"

Hey look, Joe the Plumber has a new job, and a new truck!

This Actual Ford Owner was certainly surprised at finding himself ambushed by the press, but that didn't stop him from spewing several lines of condescending, faux-patriotic BS no doubt embedded into his cerebral cortex through endless hours of watching FOX News.

"I wasn't going to buy a car that had to be bailed out by the American Government; I wanted a company that could stand on it's own, win, lose or draw...." I wish I was one of the "reporters" at this "Press Conference," so I could ask Mr. Libertarian if he knew where he could jam his self-righteous self reliance. I'm sure THAT would have come as a surprise.

I might also ask Daniel Boone if he knows where he can go to get that stick currently shoved up his ass removed, and where he gets off pronouncing judgment on car companies which, yes, did borrow money from the government- but are also in the process of paying it back, with interest.

Given a follow-up opportunity, I might ask if this pompous dick really believes that the fact that other American car companies have borrowed money from the US Government really justifies buying a Found On Road Dead piece of junk like a Ford truck. Hey, moron- maybe Ford avoided the cash flow problem by successfully convincing drooling mouth-breathers like you to buy their crappy, Every Corner Cut products instead of the higher-quality (and more expensive) vehicles produced by it's competitors. I wonder if this guy does all his shopping at Wal Mart, then sneers at the neighborhood hardware and grocery stores which are going out of business because they failed to "stand on their own."

I might conclude my questions by inquiring if this guy has ever asked someone to co-sign a loan for him, ever applied for unemployment benefits, or ever utilized libraries, the fire or police departments, emergency rooms, or public education. In other words, if he's been following his own economic and political philosophies and has always worshiped the concept of "standing on his own."

Because seriously, I only take drivel like this from Actual Ford Owners who can Walk the Walk as well as they Talk the Talk- win, lose or draw.

Wait, let me take that back. Actually, I don't take pompous drivel like this from anyone. Bite me, Ford.

Because Outside is a big, scary place with stuff like wind and bugs!

1. "I thought you were playing with your friends." "I am."

Um, no you are NOT. You are sitting on your ass in front of a fricking computer screen, wasting your life with some stupid video game. You aren't playing- playing involves moving, and (when you do it right) sweating, heavy breathing, and getting dirty or wet while burning calories. And you aren't "with your friends"- that involves eye contact and the development of basic social skills.

2. Not only are Mom and Dad ok with this, but Mom usurps Son's place in front of this generation's Idiot Box to chat with Son's friend's mom. Way to model great behavior there, Mom. But dad is much, much worse- he's actually in the next room (they can't even be in the same room? It's come to THAT?), armed with one of those stupid headsets (used to convince the user that he's doing something of importance and not behaving like a clueless child,) wondering why he and his Son didn't carry out their plan to "storm the castle."

Gee, "storming the castle" seems like it could be kind of fun- if the castle were a tree house, or a snow fort. Because....

3. We can see that all this non-activity is taking place IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Nothing new- in many of the "its fun to Do Xfinity" commercials, we see entire families sitting their well-fed rumps down to watch television as sunlight streams through the living room window. When I was a kid, my parents would NEVER allow us to be indoors on beautiful, sunny days (or cloudy, cool days. Or basically any time there wasn't a monsoon or blizzard raging.) That didn't mean that we kids were always active- sometimes I would grab a book off the shelf and head for the woods, where I'd sit under a tree all day, reading. But most of the time, being exiled from the house meant days of riding bicycles, playing hide and seek and tag, and basically using our imaginations to invent games to keep ourselves occupied. Sit inside? Not an option. And I don't recall having a big problem with that.

Nowadays, shutting yourself up in the house in the middle of a beautiful day seems an acceptable alternative to fresh air and sunshine, just as "gaming" (gag) seems an acceptable alternative to actual exercise (gee, I just can't figure out how Obesity became the Epidemic of the First World, can you?)

Ok, so Verizon's got this product that they want to sell us, and there's apparently a big market for their "service," because "the average home has more than four internet-connected devices" (and fewer and fewer socially-connected, functioning human beings, apparently.) But please tell me that "families" like this one are rare in real life. Please tell me that in the real world, it's not common for people to isolate themselves like this, substituting points and clicks for running and jumping. Please tell me that in the real world, we are NOT turning into a nation of fat, pale trolls afraid to emerge from our caves no matter HOW brightly that sun is shining.

I mean, if we are so glued to our houses, why did G-d invent cell phones?

The Hyundai Summer of Shame Event

"Uncensored," Hyundai? You use this word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I'm pretty sure that if you stuck a "hidden camera" (yeah, right- a hidden camera which magically knows when to switch from driver to passenger and back again to catch "spontaneous" comments and responses) into the dashboard of a Hyundai, you might OCCASIONALLY catch a remark here and there that is not 100 percent gushing praise of the South Korean import. Where are the comments about that Honda they drove yesterday that was also pretty nice, or the conversations which have nothing to do with Hyundais at all?

I simply do not believe that these are "uncensored" testimonials from people who have no idea they are being filmed. Therefore, Hyundai, I think your commercials are deceptive and insulting. Let's cut to the chase- I think you are lying to us when you call this ad campaign "Hyundai Uncensored." I think you are doing it deliberately. I think that these people are well aware that they are being filmed, and if they aren't actually reading off a script, they are given "suggestions" on what to say IF they would like to appear on a nationally-broadcast television commercial.

When you show four or five people bleating the same "forty miles to the gallon!?" line, that kind of reveals that this is not "uncensored." You see, Hyundai, whenever you cut stuff out, you've censored it. And unless all these people came up with "Forty miles to the gallon!" at the same time, this has gone through the splicer. Fail.

More- I think these commercials show your utter disdain for the buying public if you REALLY expect us to swallow this crap as legitimate.

Which leads me to wonder- what are you really trying to accomplish here? If your goal is to irritate the hell out of us by pushing the dishonesty envelope, mission accomplished- but you are still miles behind cell phone companies in that department. If you were just trying to see what you could get away with, well-- you can say pretty much anything you want in a commercial, unless it's for medication, and even then the laws are pretty damned lax.

Meanwhile, I'd really like to know what your definition of "Uncensored" is. Because to you, it seems to be "choreographed, scripted, and edited to the bone." And you really thought we wouldn't notice?

INCONCEIVABLE!

They could at least throw in a bundle of Sham-Wows

Ok, here's how it really works:

MyCleanPC.com, DoubleMySpeed.Com, FinallyFast.com etc. etc. all sell you the same "service." Each company preys on the roughly 99.9 percent of us who don't know how computers work and don't care to learn. We know there are these scary things called "viruses" which may lead to "identity theft" and "security breaches" and "inability to access Facebook within five seconds oh my God why don't I just kill myself now?" We know that every once in a while (every two or three minutes) we see something pop up on our screens that we don't recognize and which does not disappear when we swat at it. Anyway, these companies promise to "clean" our computers of scary stuff and continue our march toward having Absolutely No Patience At All.

They all work the same way, too. Once you are conned....errr, convinced...into allowing these scum-sucking scam artists access to your computer, their "free diagnosis" MAGICALLY reveals that OH MY GOD YOUR COMPUTER HAS ROUGHLY TWENTY-SEVEN THOUSAND PROBLEMS ITS REALLY AMAZING THAT IT'S STILL FUNCTIONING AT ALL! Pretty much all of these "problems" are things called Registry Errors, and being told that you need to fix them is the equivalent of a car dealer telling you that you need to trade in your Honda for a new Lexus because your current ride has dirt in the tire treads.

So now that you are scared out of your mind by the flashing red lights and the endless REGISTRY ERROR messages, you sign up to have your PC "cleaned" via a download, available the instant you provide a valid credit card number and put your remaining brain cells into a safety deposit box. Within seconds (lots of seconds) the Registry Errors are magically removed- and magically replaced by custom-made viruses which will just as magically appear at regular intervals to convince you that you need to subscribe to Registry Defender for a monthly or yearly fee in order to keep your computer "safe." That this is the equivalent of paying Protection money to a gang of goons because "it looks like you've got a nice laptop here, be a shame if anything were to happen to it" doesn't occur to most of us techno-idiots, because hey, isn't that illegal?

Here's what I don't get about all these commercials (besides the already-implied "why is this legal?") Why can't Best Buy, Toshiba, Wal Mart, Dell, Sony, etc. give every customer a 30-second warning NOT to fall for this crap? I mean, how long would it take to hook buyers up with decent antivirus and antispyware protection before they leave the store or the website AND explain why it's important? Wouldn't that just be good customer service?

And again- WHY IS THIS LEGAL????

Sorry; It's the teacher in me...

This commercial makes an excellent point, actually. After a long day of raping, pillaging, beheading, burning, converting and infecting entire tribes of once-peaceful aboriginals, the last thing the European Tourists visiting the Caribbean wanted was to have all those good times ruined by an accident caused by drinking rum to excess.

After all, when the night of partying and spending the gold you obtained by melting down religious artifacts or holding children hostage has passed, there's another day of civilization-destroying and disease-spreading ahead of you. And you wouldn't want to miss that because you didn't designate a "driver" the night before.

I'd like to take a moment now and express my appreciation to the makers of Captain Morgan Rum and Disney Studios for providing us with an unerringly accurate picture of life in the Caribbean in the 1600s, without which this commercial would make no sense. Thanks for making my job easier, guys!