The Age of Innocence

Every once in a while, I like to draw attention to a "vintage" ad, if only to remind us of a simpler time, when the world was young and all things seemed possible. You know, before it all went to hell in a hand basket.

This commercial is for a brand new product called "America Online." It allows one to easily access something called "the Internet," which involves using a Personal Computer to "communicate" with other Personal Computers (or "PCs") for the purposes of gathering information, buying stuff, and "even sending an email" through the "World Wide Web."

And what could one DO with "America Online?" Even in 1995, the possibilities seemed endless. The guy in this commercial has shown up to report that his planned day at the ballpark has been sabotaged by the harsh realities of life and it's pain in the butt responsibilities. He has to order flowers for his mother, book plane tickets for the family trip next week (more about this in a moment) and take his daughter to the library "to look up dinosaurs." Incredibly, ALL of these things can now be done with a few points and clicks, IF you have America Online!

(My first computer didn't come with a modem, or a hard drive, or even a disk drive. It was a Commodore 64 which used cartridges that had to be jammed into the side of the keyboard. And my first Online program wasn't America Online, it was something called Prodigy. I can still remember accessing Prodigy and walking away from the computer for an hour or so while the "home page" slooooooooooowly appeared on the screen. I can also remember getting a $300 phone bill the first month I had it. Good thing AOL's introductory offer was for "Ten Free Hours" of service per month, right? I mean, who would ever need more than Ten Hours of Internet access per month?)

Ok, first- the booking of plane tickets. Can you really do this with only one week's notice? What does that cost? Second- instead of taking his daughter to the library "to look up dinosaurs," he's going to download a few pages on dinosaurs from Compton's Online Encyclopedia- really?? Way to pass on your awesome ethical standards, buddy. Not to mention, way to land your daughter an F on her dinosaur report. And all because it's more important to go to a damn ball game. Third- ordering flowers? That can be done on the phone, just like it could be back in 1995, in about thirty freaking seconds. Oh, but this is also in the Age Before Cell Phones, which means this poor man can't do it while on his way to the ball game. So we can see his dilemma, can't we?

Anyway, this America Online commercial shows how awesome being "connected" to the "internet" (or the "World Wide Web," if that's something different) really is- you don't have to invest any time to do things like buy plane tickets or order flowers or take your daughter to the freaking library. All that stuff can get done in a few seconds- I assume this guy stopped by his house on the way to the game to hand his daughter the watered-down, generic crap about "dinosaurs." I wonder if she was disappointed that she wasn't going to spend an afternoon with dad at the library. I guess it doesn't matter, though, does it?

This commercial also shows us why Al Gore invented the internet* in the first place- so we could send each other "e-mails" and take care of time-consuming chores with a point and a click. And play Fantasy Football with our fellow losers. Not to post videos of ourselves doing every stupid thing imaginable, not to access x-rated content from the privacy of our own homes, and not to publish pointless, whiny, fairly obvious observations of commercials. But of course, we had to go abuse it, just like we abuse all technology- the wheel, the toaster, the telephone, skateboards....

I mean, come on. YouTube? Facebook? The Cloud? Sigh. We just can't have nice things, can we?

*I'm well aware that Al Gore never claimed to have invented the internet, that this is just a slander created by the Bush 2000 campaign and perpetrated by the Gore-hating Media. I just liked the line.

Money Better Left Unspent

Do you ever get the impression that McDonalds only makes commercials because they feel, as a huge conglomerate which has held the lion's share of the Fast Food Industry in the palm of it's hand for decades, they are kind of obligated to, and not because they actually NEED to?

I mean, the only explanation for the absolutely bottom of the barrel, zero inspiration "themes" found in McDonalds ads is that the company's execs, watching commercials for Burger King, Wendy's, and KFC, decided that even though they have no evidence that any amount of advertising will impact the apparently unlimited supply of taste-deprived fatsos who will waddle in on any given day to give their arteries another hit, they ought to throw some money into thirty-second spots anyway. So they went out and found an agency which relied on eight-year olds for inspiration and starving college students for "actors." The result is the most consistently banal, insulting, and downright stupid commercials to be found since the end of Punch Dub Days.

I mean, there is simply no way any of these ads are ever market-tested. Heck, there's precious little evidence that they are even pre-screened before acceptance and scheduling for air time. Pretty much everything in TV land labeled "McDonalds" looks like something we'd expect to receive if Ed Wood were handed $20,000 to produce thirty seconds of Something, Anything, No Questions Asked- a messy, disconnected jumble of nothing which Kind Of Sort Of Not Really relates to the "food" being sold at McDonalds. Featuring Pretty People of Appropriately Diverse Ethnicity (check out the white guys in both ads- Separated at Birth, or What?) Which ends with the Golden Arches taking over the screen at the precise moment that the viewer is thinking "um....what the hell was that all about?"

Hey, McDonalds, let me try to save you a little money (though I am well aware that you can spare it.) There is nobody in the United States who isn't aware of your restaurant's existence- after all, there are only about 14 million franchises scattered about all fifty states and the District of Columbia. I mean, not even Starbucks is as ubiquitous. If there is a population of people out there who are not patronizing McDonald's, it's not because we were unaware that you offer deep-fried chicken parts with dipping sauce "which make lips even smackier," this dope explains to his disciples (I like the "here we go" comment from one of them- apparently, a speech about the cruddy non-food they are about to eat is expected of this guy. Yet, they still hang out with him..)

Or because...well, honestly, I can't even begin to understand the point of the Annoyingly Made For Each Other Idiots Engaged in the "you go first" Ultimate TV Cliche Ad. No, it's simply because we don't think this junk tastes good, and we KNOW it's not good for us. No ads will change that.

And the people who already go to McDonalds? As long as there is a dollar menu and a lack of nutrition classes in High School, they'll keep coming, regardless of whether you buy ad time or not. So please, stop. Because these....these are just bad. Even compared to other ads. And that's saying a LOT.

I guess the O'Jays just needed the money?

Right away, it is revealed that the idiots at Coors Lite have never, EVER utilized public transportation. The MOMENT the train stops, the announcer comes on the intercom to announce in clear, non-muffled, non-garbled, non-accented English that the riders "will experience a thirty-minute delay."

Not ten minutes of silence followed by a barely-intelligible, static-filled "we will be moving momentarily." Not a "thank you for your patience" followed by a silent request for MORE patience. Nope, an INSTANT declaration of EXACTLY how long this train filled with twenty-something models will be stuck in one place.

As a regular customer on the DC/MD/VA Metrorail, I can only respond "Yeah, RIGHT!!"

The Very Beautiful People, who are clearly not used to being inconvenienced in the slightest, quickly express dismay at this interruption in their plans to Go Someplace Very Important And Look Beautiful There. (Tell me you don't want to just slap the Very Beautiful and Very Put Out Woman who mysteriously has not been offered a freaking SEAT on this train- she looks as though she is QUITE sure the freaking universe revolves around her and the other Very Beautiful People with her exaggerated gesture of exasperation- and how DARE a mere mechanical issue get in the way of her Very Important Schedule??)

Ah, but let's not forget that these are, after all, Very Beautiful People. They are not nameless, faceless slobs like you or me (well, me.) A Male Very Beautiful Person applies a bottle cap to the wall of the train, instantly transforming what was once merely the preferred vehicle of the poor and very poor alike into the Coors Lite PartyMobile, to the great gratification of the other Very Beautiful People, who mysteriously know exactly which Very Beautiful Person to thank for remembering that he is, after all, a Very Beautiful Person, and Very Beautiful People simply do not live by the same laws of physics and nature that the rest of us trolls (well, me, anyway) do. When I'm stuck on a train in the middle of the summer, I'm going to sit and sweat and stew, and mentally pound the skulls of the slack-jawed jackasses with their MP3 players and pointless, noise-leaking ear buds as I slowly die of thirst. Not THESE people.

So the train is suddenly filled with ice cold beer and very happy passengers, and the Very Beautiful, Stunningly Impatient Woman naturally hooks up with the Magic Bringer of Beer (he knows how to push her buttons, clearly.) Hey, someone's got to pay for all this, right? I mean, wouldn't it be incredibly unfair if the Very Beautiful Impatient Woman was indifferent to the Magic Beer Guy with the requisite three-day beard stubble, gelled hair and open shirt?

I'd love to see an SNL parody of this ad. For one thing, are there really no people on this train who don't drink beer? Alcoholics? Children? How about people who still have work to do- meetings, presentations, sales, all that stuff I understand that people who are not teachers have to do to make money? Also, why does the exterior of the train have to undergo any transformation at all- beer cannot be served in a standard metro car? Are the all-but-universal No Alcohol On Public Transportation laws suspended when a Magic Bottle Cap is used to provide beer for the Very Beautiful People? Or does Coors Lite simply not count as "alcohol?" ( I could almost buy this.)

A while back, I kept meaning to do a post on the original "Love Train" (man, it's so sad that a song released in the 1970s calling for World Peace could be hijacked and used to sell crappy beer, isn't it?) commercial, which featured a train loaded with beer crashing through a football stadium as snowflakes provided magical relief to the fans in the stands. The use of stock footage from NFL films, complete with people long dead or at least unaware that their participation (or even observation) of a freaking football game would someday be used to peddle alcohol really, really rubbed me the wrong way. At least the current versions of the whole "Love Train" (please stop) campaign use model/actors and not innocent bystanders, but still....I really can't comprehend wanting to guzzle light beer on a crowded, stalled, hot train with a bunch of strangers, and I'm really bored with the "Beer makes every situation not only tolerable, but Awesome" attitude of these commercials.

But then, that's only been the message of beer commercials since the 1960s. We've got to be moving that train along soon, right?

The Class War is Over. I Lost.

"Sam begged and pleaded, so I sent him to camp."

Ok, this just sounds bad: Sam, an alleged grown-up, "begged and pleaded" to be "sent" to Rock and Roll Band Camp. Because he really really wanted to, and his Mommy-errr, wife-- controls the household budget.

Except-- does she? "We accumulated so many Thank You Points on our Citi Card..." Ugh, really? How do we go about accumulating "points?" Why, by spending money using the credit card, of course. So these people have spend SO MUCH FREAKING MONEY that they've accumulated enough "Thank You" points (as in, "Thank You for having Zero Willpower and Attempting to Single-Handedly Keep the American Economy from Crashing by Using your Credit Card to buy Everything Your Pathetic, Materialistic Little Hearts Desire" to transport Sam from one Fantasy- the one he lives in every day with his Mother/Spouse, in which using a credit card in place of cash is a GOOD idea- to another Fantasy, in which Sam is a Rock and Roll Band Member.

We can SO relate with these people, can't we?

It seems increasingly clear that advertisers view the United States as a nation consisting of two distinct classes of people. The first group is made up of desperate, paycheck-to-paycheck working stiffs who use CashStop, Payday Loans, Rapid Refunds, and other Just Trying To Get To Next Week "services." If these people ever manage to score in the lottery, or find themselves legatees in some relative's estate, there are Annuity Brokers out there to exchange a small amount of money RIGHT NOW for the large amount of dough they could expect to have parceled out to them over a number of years. They "line jump" at Cici's and take the family to Golden Corral for baby-back ribs and seafood "for around ten bucks."

The second group is made up of blissfully wealthy hedge fund managers and their families. These people live in suburban palaces and give each other ribbon-clad Lexuses for Christmas. They have 72-inch High Definition televisions in every room and sixteen internet-connected devices and spend most of their time watching violent movies and "gaming." Oh, and they take vacations and go to Fantasy Camps and buy fancy dresses and Shea Stadium seats with their "thank you" points. Oh, and for some mysterious reason, they feed their kids Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.

I don't belong to either of these groups (though my paycheck makes me more likely to hit Denny's than Ruth's Chris,) which I guess means that I'm not recognized as being an Actual American worth pandering to by the Advertising World. I suppose I should feel grateful, but that would not be like me at all. Instead, I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Without even the comfort of Thank You Points.

Thanks for Nothing, Citi.

In a way, I miss being patronized.

Some time ago, I posted on a commercial for cell phone service which frankly admitted that all this guff about faster download times and "connectivity" sold to make the consumer more "productive" was just a big, steaming pile of crap, and that the advertisers understood full well that what they were really selling was an expensive, pointless toy whose main purpose was to make it easier for you to waste time. (Remember, all you REALLY want to do with lightning-fast cell phone service is get that "work" out of the way so you can "go back to playing Angry Birds.")

Well, I guess the "let's face it, we have nothing of value to sell" frank honesty has become a bit of a fad, because that is definitely the message of this Charter Internet commercial. Preteen girl wants Charter so she can surf stupid Youtube videos (because unless you are the author of a blog which slams commercials, why would ANYONE spend time on Youtube?) spend hour after hour chatting and adding photos on Facebook, and plotting to meet up with her boyfriend (good lord, is this girl 13 years old? Boyfriend? Seriously?) after Mom and Dad pass out in front of whatever piece of crap they downloaded on to the tv. TV parents being TV parents, they really don't need to be talked into providing another terrible example of Failure in Parenting 101-- they want Charter Internet too. And because this is a TV commercial, naturally if the parents want something, that means that Preteen Daughter has full access to it, too.

Mom is "on to" her daughter, and doesn't believe a word of her crap about using the internet to be a better student. She knows full well that faster download speeds means Daughter spends more time on social networking sites, listening to inappropriate music, and avoiding schoolwork. Mom simply. Doesn't. Care. And even if daughter gets the translation- that Mom KNOWS she's being lied to- what difference does that make? She's getting what she wants!

And Dad....oh, yes, we must spend a brief moment with Dad. If mom has stopped caring, if mom has decided that there is no point in trying to provide boundaries for Daughter, what are we to make of Dad's position? "Whatever your Mother Wants." Perfect. You fit right into TV land, "Dad."

The providers of Charter Internet want us to know that they they, too, are "on to us." They know that the Internet is basically a vast Wasteland of Dumb. And frankly, they are bored with playing the Look How Useful and Enriching It Can Be game. And really, who can blame Charter? McDonalds doesn't make commercials telling us about the nutritional value of Big Macs- they just tell us "hey, this tastes good. Eat it." Well, this is junk food of another type. I have to admit, I kind of like the honesty. I think.

Ball's back in your court, Hyundai

It's quite possible that the last honest moment of this episode of Ford's Bullshit Press Conferences campaign comes when the woman stepping out of the car is identified as a "Real Ford Owner." I'm willing to buy that- the rest of the commercial certainly suggests that she's dumb enough to have purchased this piece of crap.

Pretty much the rest of the commercial is a "hybrid" ( couldn't resist) of the dishonest and the nonsensical. First, we get the "Really Surprised" caption and a freeze frame that this pathetic actress wanabee sellout should never, EVER be allowed to live down. EVER. Yes, I'm just SO CERTAIN that this woman had no idea why she had been invited to Ford HQ, and has now been "ambushed" by a press conference in which she is invited to chirp nonsense about her new car purchase. Seriously- would anyone not being paid to help stage garbage like this say anything other than "frankly, I'm appalled that Ford, having overcharged me for a car of far lesser quality than a Honda or Toyota, would pull a stunt like this?" We are never told on what pretext this woman was induced to show up at the "Press Conference" in the first place- if this were legit, I'd imagine it had something to do with an emergency recall, problems with doors that won't unlock, faulty brakes, or any number of completely believable problems associated with Ford.

The very first "question" asked of the Really Surprised No Seriously She Had No Idea This Was Going to Happen subject is "You...are an environmental scientist..." Ok, not really a question, but it's necessary to give her the opening to blather on about how efficient her car is. Except, I don't quite get how being an "environmental scientist" makes you an expert on car engines. I DO get how being handed a check from Ford does.

(And don't you get the sensation that long before this woman's incredibly long-winded, Nothing to Do With Being An Environmental Scientist answer is completed, the "reporter" is really, really sorry he asked the question?)

And what's with the constant fading and wiping, suggesting that a lot of time is passing during this "press conference?" This woman's sentences are not broken up even as the picture fades in and out. What the hell?

So here's the big question- which car company is being more shamelessly dishonest this summer- Hyundai with it's "candid, hidden camera" test drives, or Ford with these phony-as-three-dollar-bills "press conferences?"

Hey look, Joe the Plumber has a new job, and a new truck!

This Actual Ford Owner was certainly surprised at finding himself ambushed by the press, but that didn't stop him from spewing several lines of condescending, faux-patriotic BS no doubt embedded into his cerebral cortex through endless hours of watching FOX News.

"I wasn't going to buy a car that had to be bailed out by the American Government; I wanted a company that could stand on it's own, win, lose or draw...." I wish I was one of the "reporters" at this "Press Conference," so I could ask Mr. Libertarian if he knew where he could jam his self-righteous self reliance. I'm sure THAT would have come as a surprise.

I might also ask Daniel Boone if he knows where he can go to get that stick currently shoved up his ass removed, and where he gets off pronouncing judgment on car companies which, yes, did borrow money from the government- but are also in the process of paying it back, with interest.

Given a follow-up opportunity, I might ask if this pompous dick really believes that the fact that other American car companies have borrowed money from the US Government really justifies buying a Found On Road Dead piece of junk like a Ford truck. Hey, moron- maybe Ford avoided the cash flow problem by successfully convincing drooling mouth-breathers like you to buy their crappy, Every Corner Cut products instead of the higher-quality (and more expensive) vehicles produced by it's competitors. I wonder if this guy does all his shopping at Wal Mart, then sneers at the neighborhood hardware and grocery stores which are going out of business because they failed to "stand on their own."

I might conclude my questions by inquiring if this guy has ever asked someone to co-sign a loan for him, ever applied for unemployment benefits, or ever utilized libraries, the fire or police departments, emergency rooms, or public education. In other words, if he's been following his own economic and political philosophies and has always worshiped the concept of "standing on his own."

Because seriously, I only take drivel like this from Actual Ford Owners who can Walk the Walk as well as they Talk the Talk- win, lose or draw.

Wait, let me take that back. Actually, I don't take pompous drivel like this from anyone. Bite me, Ford.