At least this one isn't being narrated by Chris Berman

It's September, which means three things:

1. When I drive to school, I will have to maneuver around the SAHMs waiting at the bus stops with their kids as they give me dirty looks for committing the unpardonable sin of driving through THEIR neighborhood while trying to get to work,

2. Lee Corso will be back for another year of "College Gameday" on ESPN, spending each and every Saturday drooling uncontrollably over the athletic prowess of men one-fourth his age, and

3. Applebee's will be back with another stupid series of commercials featuring it's customers acting like morons in response to the sights, smells and sounds of cheap, fatty food.

In this particular ad, people with no taste buds, small entertainment budgets and idiotic friends are distracted away from their witless, pointless conversations by the roar of sizzling food ( I mean, how incredibly loud must that steak be sizzling for one woman to interrupt her engrossing "and then she said to the guy..." story? I sure hope she can remember where she left off when the plate has been moved out of earshot, or cooled down a bit!) I must say, except for the obvious exaggeration used here (no one believes that the steaks really emit deafening sizzling noises like this, right?) this is a reasonably honest commercial. I mean, there's no claim that anything being shown actually tastes good, just that it comes out of the kitchen sizzling in it's own greases. And just as Slim Fast is supposed to be "served very cold," perhaps the idea is that anything can be made palatable if it's too hot to taste?

I half expected someone to note that the food is way too quiet at The Olive Garden- I mean, nothing says "fun" like REALLY LOUD FOOD, right? Right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to watching Corso go into a haze while marveling at the athleticism of a guy young enough to be his great-grandson. Ugh, could you please just retire already?

I think it's the unjustifiable self-congratulation that really ticks me off here

"The dinner table is where I learned how to be responsible."

The dinner table is where you learned that it was a good idea to poison your family with cheap fat, salt and cholesterol-laden crud just because it could be prepared in a single frying pan inside of ten minutes? Really?

"Teachin' em right from wrong...it's my job!" Well, you are doing it very badly, lady. Here's some help: Teaching growing kids that mixing a package of chemicals to ground beef and elbow macaroni is a good way to perform the "work' that is supposed to go into making dinner is Wrong. When Mommy does this, she isn't doing her Job. She's taking what's called a Shortcut. And judging from the size of this house, she's not doing it out of economic necessity. She's doing it because her Other job- the one that pays her in money rather than fat, sick, malnourished kids- is more important than that Teaching Them Right from Wrong stuff.

"I used to be a track star, and I was fast...." Why do I suspect you weren't raised on Hamburger Helper, Mommy? And why do I strongly suspect that your kids won't be winning any track medals in the near or distant future?

By the way, what year is this again? Both "parents" in this commercial work outside the home. So why is it Mommy's responsibility- and ONLY Mommy's responsibility- to get "dinner" (using the term very loosely here) on the table? Shouldn't that be the job of the first adult to get home each evening, or, if they come home together, a job that's shared between them?

And don't tell me that Daddy isn't doing the cooking because Mommy's just so darned good at it. Because this....this is just wrong.

Here's where you can put your radar, "Dude"

Ok, so the newest "important" innovation offered by the Dodge Durango is radar. It's installed in the front grille, and it can detect how close you are to the nearest car. And it communicates with the Cruise Control system, so I guess it automatically adjusts the distance to keep you safe. Or something.

"In this competitive world," our favorite unseen monotone self-satisfied Dodge spokesperson tells us, being able to tell people 'hey dude, my car has radar' is a "game changer."

And this is where the commercial loses me. First, what's the "competition?" Who am I competing with when I hit the road in my 2003 Honda Civic? What am I competing FOR? Is the narrator actually telling us that being able to tell others that "my car has radar" is going to get me-- what? Girls? Better parking spaces? That promotion? Survival? What? I mean, help me out here, please.

"The SUV is back." Oh, gee, that's great news. Hey Dodge, here's one person who never missed them. Last time I checked, gas prices were still hovering at just under four bucks a gallon. Do you REALLY think that radar-controlled cruise control, and not decent gas mileage, is what it'll take to get us back into the showrooms?

One more thing. I don't believe for one minute that innovations like radar in the freaking grille, rear-view mirror cameras, or cruise control do anything to make the drivers of these vehicles "safer." In fact, I suspect that at some point someone will issue a white paper revealing that all these "safety features" really accomplish is the creation of a false sense of security, not to mention providing a license to drive distracted. After all, the car is doing all the driving, right?

Maybe the narrator DOES mean to tell us that driving IS a contest for survival. It's me and my radar-free, cruise control-deficient, hands-on radio Honda Civic v. the guy in the Durango who has been told that he's basically just a passenger and should feel free to adjust the seat temperature and yak away on his cell phone, the car will let him know it's getting too close to me. Considering the size of those things, I don't like my odds.

Oh, and "dude?" Really?

You'll be Fixed, all right

I really hope that the woman in this ad is just an actress, and not a "satisfied customer" of WeFixMoney.com. Because anyone who thinks this is a good idea- well, as Gordon Gekko says in the only Wall Street movie worth viewing, "A fool and his money are lucky to get together in the first place..."

Ok, so this woman was faced with a bit of a financial crisis- she had a sudden car repair to deal with, and she found herself "surrounded by bills." Hey, it happens- especially if you aren't the "plan ahead" type. Or the "good enough credit to have a VISA card" type.

"I said, 'this has got to stop!'" Um, what is the "this" that "has to stop," exactly? The living on the margins? The lack of a rainy day fund? Turns out that neither is the correct answer- we know this, even though we never really do get a satisfactory answer to the question. Because this woman's "solution" was to accrue more debt. Not only that- but to add debt in the dumbest, most destructive way imaginable. She doesn't go to her bank or credit union (she seems to have a nice house there, or at least a decent apartment- something just doesn't compute here) or family. She goes online (she has internet access too- I guess the cable bill is in the "necessities" pile....) and finds WeFixMoney.com. She gets a short-term loan to tide her over till her paycheck shows up. Yay, problem solved.

Except, not really. Because these Payday loans are so expensive (can we spell Usury, boys and girls?) using them just puts you in a bigger hole than you were when you signed away your Common Sense for a fistful of dollars. Look, I get that there are these things called emergencies, and sometimes you can find yourself stuck. Sometimes, it's not even your fault. But this- this is not the answer.

If you've got any credit at all, you can carry a credit card for emergencies like a sudden car repair- and no credit card charges 300% if you don't pay off the balance inside of a month. I suspect that people who use "services" like WeFixMoney.com have already proven themselves incapable of handing credit cards, however. So I guess I really don't have any answers for this woman or people like her. Just pity. And disgust for the companies that prey on them- be it Aaron's, or Rent A Center, or CashStop, or WeFixMoney.com.

The little blurb included with the YouTube video says "Our Goal is to help you Navigate through Tough Financial Times..." Oh please. We know what you're goal is. Don't add insult to injury by embroidering it, ok?

Let's not and say we did. Please.

"Lets make 3D the next big thing..." Jeeesh, why don't you just come out and say it, Sprint? What you REALLY mean is "let's make 3D the latest excuse to throw away that perfectly good, State Of The Art Until Just Now phone you thought was really cool but which now looks like a piece of ancient crap."

Shorter Version: "When we say Jump, you reply 'how high,' idiot consumer monkey!"

In fact, the concept of 3D phones- and an ad campaign geared toward convincing me that I need such a thing- is so darned obnoxious that I actually have no real problem that it's being sold by the usual Get A Load Of Moron Dad theme. Indeed, I have to agree with the kids with the eyerolls and their Oh My God Dad You Are So F--ing Lame attitude -- they actually seem to GET that Dad's new toy is really, really stupid, and (Glory be to God!) seem to be more interested in just playing Ping Pong than participating in his desperate attempt to justify this stupid impulse purchase.

And I love the "you can share 3D videos with all your 3D friends" line used in a similar ad. I mean, that's just classic. First, it's true that all my friends come in 3D- though nowadays, a lot of people have "friends" who are NOT Three-Dimensional, as they exist as "friends" only in the Social Network. But the best part is the subtle little reminder that you can only share your amazing 3D videos of people doing amazing 3D things like playing Ping Pong with fellow losers who went out and bought 3D phones.

There are already several commercials featuring this doofus dad trying to explain to his kids why his 3D phone is SuperAmazingAwesome and the greatest invention since- well, this guy's last cell phone. Which probably featured Surround Sound. That was the most awesome phone since the one before that, which allowed him to project stupid commercials on to walls, allowing everyone in the area to share his interests, whether they wanted to or not. And that was the best phone since the one before that, which allowed him to download that video of the surfing squirrel five seconds before people who still had that phone he owned previously, the slow-adapting losers.

"Let's make 3D the thing which makes your last phone obsolete." I have a better idea. Let's stop playing this game, at least until someone comes up with an innovation which REALLY makes ditching our old phone for a new one worthwhile. Of course, for people like me, who use phones to talk and text, period (I'm such a philistine!) that's going to be quite an innovation. I suggest adding a taser which allows me to zap the hell out of people who update their cell phones every fifteen minutes just because Sprint tells them to.

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

I grew up on a farm. Our nearest neighbors were about half a mile down the dirt road which went past our house. In between the houses were rolling fields, apple orchards, and cows. Or perhaps I should not use the past tense- little has changed since then. My parents are retired to that house, but the kids who used to play in that neighborhood have all grown up and moved away (except me- I've moved away, but I've never grown up.)

I remember wanting a Big Wheel, and then REALLY wanting a Green Machine. But by then I was old enough to ride a bike, so these two wonderful toys were never to be part of my life. Born too late, I guess. But enough about me. Can someone out there please tell me what the modern equivalent of a Big Wheel or a Green Machine is? What toy is being heavily marketed which encourages kids to spend large amounts of time in the great outdoors, working their legs furiously to get that breeze really blowing in their faces? What is being marketed for kids which encourages sweating, shortness of breath, flushed faces and a good night's sleep when the day is done?

I mean, I know that there are a lot of products out there which encourage children to sit their butts down on chairs and stare at screens. Fine motor skills are enhanced by hand-held controllers and keyboards. I can remember, clear as day, the afternoon my father brought home a kite for us to fly over the large, March-damp field across the road from the house. (One day, the string broke and we watched it fly away. A few days later, we spotted it on a neighbor's porch while walking home from the bus stop.) I can remember, like it was yesterday, the day my mother came home with my first bicycle, stuffed into the back seat of our Volkswagen Bug. I wonder how long today's kids will remember the day they got that PS3 or XBox. I wonder if they'll remember specific games they played, like I remember desperately peddling home from a friend's house, trying to beat the sun which, on summer days, I thought would NEVER set.

I think Big Wheels are still on the market- don't know about Green Machines. But if they aren't, I can't believe it's because they are no longer attractive to kids. I have to believe instead that they aren't as attractive to lazy, frightened, helicopter parents as the game system which keeps Little Hunter and Little Cody (actual commercial kid names) docile and "safe" in the family rec room. So Mom and Dad know where the children are in between feedings of Kraft Mac'n Cheese. And they know that the children aren't getting their clothes dirty.

They are, however, outgrowing those clothes. Quickly. Maybe I was born to late for Big Wheels and Green Machines, but at least I can be thankful that I was born too early to Storm the Castle with a click of a mouse. Because I can remember doing it with a snowball in my hand. Much better.

AT&T Ramps up the Hate

Come now- in real life, the woman in this ad is clearly miserable in her loveless sham of a marriage, and is looking for a reason- ANY reason- to bail. When her husband sticks his head into the greenhouse (could this be their personal arboretum? If so, is this woman really complaining about her husband wasting money?) to announce that he's just signed the family up for some great AT&T offer, she looks as if she's totally reached the end of the rope with this guy and his insane spending habits.

"I should have married John Clark" she mutters, loudly enough for her husband to hear. Instead of doing the sensible thing- telling her to go ahead and call a lawyer, get a divorce, and start preparing to spend the rest of her life making John Clark the most miserable man on the planet- her husband replies that the service is free, provided when he signed the family up for unlimited messaging (which the family obviously needs- you certainly never want the kids to stop messaging, ever.)

At this point, if I were this woman (and I thank my merciful God that I am not) I would have asked the question I think is kind of obvious- "well, Steve, how much does UNLIMITED MESSAGING cost?" Or how about starting with "don't you think we could have talked about this before you went out and signed us up- maybe I we don't WANT our kids glued to their fucking phones 24/7? Are we an actual functioning family, or what?" Instead, Wife is stunned to discover that Steve has, perhaps, avoided being a Complete and Utter Screw-Up, For Once.

I'm pretty used to cell phone commercials dripping with hate and contempt for human beings and society at large, but AT&T takes it to a new level here. As usual, there's nobody to sympathize with- idiot Husband made a rather important decision concerning the family's cell phone usage without consulting Wife. Wife made a bitter, nasty, and cruel comment in return before knowing all the facts. And all we, the viewers, are left with is the hope that these guys stay married forever, because really, this is damage that ought to be contained, and I think they deserve each other.

I THINK so. I'm not QUITE sure anyone deserves this woman. If I were John Clark, I'd change my name and cell phone number.