I can see taking your chances with cancer

Here's the basic theme of this commercial: there are a lot worse things than yellowed teeth and fingers, bad breath, coughing up your lungs every morning, spending a hundred dollars a week on something that makes you a smelly social outcast, and the strong possibility that you will someday die of cancer.

Included in those worse things is the apparently endless, Would Be Laughable If They Weren't So Darned Depressing (depression is included) side effects you "may" experience while taking (or when you stop taking!) Chantix, a drug designed to help you break your addiction to nicotine which, if you really pay attention to this commercial, turns out to be nowhere near as bad as the "cure."

It tells you an awful lot about the Food and Drug Administration that Chantix has been approved for use by animals who are not lab rats. None of it is good. After all, Chantix MAY cause skin disorders, wild mood swings, depression, thoughts of suicide, agitation, hostility, rashes, swollen face and throat, mental disorders, nightmares, sleeplessness, and nausea, but it also MAY help you quit smoking, and do you have any idea how much money Big Pharma pours into Washington, DC in the form of campaign contributions these days?

Clearly, the Just Get The Damn Thing On The Market Mania still dominates the pharmaceutical industry. As long as you provide a long list of side effects, you've made the company attorneys happy. The addicts who desperately need real help with what is, in fact, a disease? Well, hey, Chantix hasn't been shown to cause cancer!

Starting our Sunday with a little morsel of Stupid

Ugh, can we please enact a moratorium on calling babies "miracles?" I mean, if babies are "miracles," they are the most common "miracles" in the history of the universe. If babies are miracles, miracles take place every few seconds everywhere on the planet. If babies are miracles, then miracles have become much noisier, smellier, and time-and-money consuming since I used to read about them in Sunday School.

Seriously, can we stop with this "miracle" crap already? Here's what would be a miracle- if these two people continuously had sex and yet never managed to produce a rather large-headed, pale, bald mammal that was not made up of DNA from both parents. If eggs repeatedly failed to fertilize despite being assaulted by sperm, that would be quite a "miracle."

I understand that couples tend to get a little excited when they manage to produce one of these things. Really, I get that. What I do not understand is their insistence on butchering the English language by consistently referring to their offspring as "miracles." Because sorry- unless you use the same term to refer to seedlings becoming plants, or your dog producing a litter of puppies some months after the neighbor's Best Friend got through the hole in the fence, you aren't making a whole lot of sense here. And you are really watering down the concept of "Miracle."

Maybe the real "miracle" here is that this commercial features a guy, his wife, and their baby, and the guy doesn't come across as a COMPLETELY worthless loser who appears perfectly capable of injuring the kid through his own cluelessness if left alone with it for five minutes. I guess that's something.

No chance your dog will do any damage to the "Crazy Critter," at least

As an ASPCA member who does not currently own a pet (I do feed a stray cat, but after two years of letting me feed her she still won't let me pet her or step inside my house) this ad just infuriates me, because it appeals to people who like owning cats and dogs but are looking for cheap shortcuts to taking care of their animals properly.

This Amazing Miracle Spray Crap is supposed to take the place of professional tooth and gum cleanings, which "are expensive" and oh by the way "are hard on your pet." Sure they are. In two weeks I have to get my own teeth cleaned. It's going to be expensive, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to do it anyway, because I care enough about my health to go through it. No one could convince me that spraying stuff in my mouth could take the place of a good cleaning, or prevent gum disease. Why would I provide less for a dog or cat? If I did own a pet that I claimed to love, why would I be looking to save a few bucks by cutting corners with it's life? Jesus, the ad SAYS that plaque buildup and gum disease in animals can lead to or be signs of "Liver, Kidney or Heart disease." Anyone out there REALLY want to trade the services of a licensed veterinarian for a ten-dollar bottle of bleach?

If there is- how fucking dare you own a pet, you cheap bastard pigs.

"Your pets are relying on you to take good care of you" says "Dr. Perez" in the most hilariously wooden performance since John Agar retired from the film industry. Yes, indeed they are- so why would you betray that trust to save a few bucks? "Taking care of their oral health is one of the most important things you can do for your pet." Again- I totally agree. What does this have to do with spraying your pet with a chemical which changes the color of plaque buildup and disguises the damage, making you as a disgustingly selfish, heartless, cheap piece of shit pet owner APPEAR to care for your pet (check out the awesome breath!) instead of providing it the professional care it needs?

And here's Clueless Penny-Pinching It's All About Appearances Owner, telling us how "its easy to do- Right, Bailey?" (Bailey, being a dog, has no response, but his eyes seem to cry out "Oh God please rescue me from this insane drip!") "You just spray it in their mouth and you're done!"

Yes, you're done. And your pet is Finished. But hey, that's all right- when your pet dies prematurely of those awful diseases you covered up by spraying whitener into it's mouth, maybe you can walk the Crazy Critter toy (separate shipping and handling!) the bottle came with.

Better yet, just buy a fricking stuffed animal to pretend to love. Because if you fall for this pitch, you have no business having a real, living animal in your home anyway, you disgusting, soulless creeps.

Sorry if this seemed a little harsher than usual. I just really can't stand people who want to own animals, but don't want to be bothered to care for them. If there is a Hell, they occupy the hottest ring. So do the people who appeal to them with dangerous, stupid crap like this product.

A flight in desperate need of a hijacking

The people who wrote this ad should be congratulated for their ability to jam so much anger-inducing garbage into such a tiny window of opportunity. Seriously, I got your beach right here, you smarmy jackanapes!

First, you've got this totally self-satisfied, smirking, glassy-eyed Business Class dickwad apparently lost in the haze of his own success, not halfway through his bottle of Corona before the Way Too Happy stewardess asks him if "everything's ok here?" Having all the time in the world, and not the least bit concerned that there might be anyone else on the plane who might like their FIRST beverage (like the woman across the aisle, for example,) letting said stewardess know that yes, he's very happy with his beer, his life, and his situation in general. And who wouldn't be?

Then we have the stewardess asking the woman who is Apparently The Only Other Person On The Plane Worthy Of Being Served if she would like something. Well, this is nice. The first guy to be waited on has already been served up a beer, but he was catered to before the woman directly across from him was asked what she wants for the FIRST time? Ok, whatever. In exactly as much hurry to let the poor stewardess move on to the other, Obviously Unimportant Passengers as that smarmy, possibly stoned dick enjoying his Carona is, this woman matches the guy's level of concern for the wants and needs of others by quietly replying "I'll have one of those."

And when she receives "one of those," she completes the implied connection with Please Please Please Be Allergic To Peanuts And Die male passenger by saluting him with her f--ing beer bottle. Oh, and please note that neither of these hateful idiots offers anything resembling a "please" or "thank you" during the entire commercial.

I'm not sure what the message of these Corona commercials is supposed to be- that drinking this crap allows you to indulge in the illusion of being on a quiet, private beach? That people who drink Carona are all spoiled brats who don't have the time or inclination to show even a modicum of respect for the people waiting on them as if they were royalty? That we, the viewing public, should want to slap around these people?

Because if it's Option C, mission accomplished.

Taking Money and Denying Claims. What's your Policy?

A guy retrieves a baby's toy, which somehow

inspires a woman to slightly move a coffee cup (good deed quota fulfilled for the day!) which reminds another guy that he really ought to

help that guy who slipped and fell in the rain (never would have occurred to him if he hadn't been inspired by the Coffee Cup Moving Incident), which

convinces the guy who fell down to hold the elevator (again, this guy is going straight to heaven!) which

is just what the woman who gets on the elevator needed to be moved to save a motorcycle from being damaged. And it's a darn good thing because this woman later decides to play Nanny to a guy who is leaning over just a LITTLE too much in his chair. This inspires another woman to

save a guy from being crushed by boxes. Oddly enough, this encourages another onlooker to

let a guy cross the street (instead of running him over, which, I suppose, he would have done if not inspired by the selfless gesture of another person earlier.)
Anyway, this all ends up with yet another baby toy being retrieved by another Good Samaritan.

Two things about all this nonsense: first, are we really supposed to believe that common acts of human decency, most of which are carried out without any real thought (and why would they be?) must be inspired by the example of other acts of decency?

(Of course, discussing basic human decency in a conversation about insurance...bit of a stretch already...)

Second- it's more than a little hysterical that all of this is supposed to be connected to an INSURANCE company- the same vultures who wouldn't recognize a random act of kindness if it bit them in the ass (it tells me a lot about Liberty Mutual that they equate moving a coffee cup with saving a guy from being crushed by crates. It's all the same to any insurance executive- neither gets done, unless it's part of the coverage provided by the paid policy. If then.) How does all this "doing the right thing" bs equate into denying payment of a kids' root canal surgery because his grandmother had dentures?

Oh, and the smarmy, feel-good music- give me a break.

Where's the Gunbarrel Opening??

What is it about Virgin Airline Commercials that makes me think that they should be followed by ninety minutes of Daniel Craig shooting at bad guys?

And what is it about Virgin Airline Commercials that just screams "you can't afford this, not that we fly to any place you can afford to visit, anyway?" In fact, what is it about Virgin Airline Commercials that tells me "look, these ads are aimed for you about as much as Lexus and BDO ads are?"

And why do I expect that this would make a lot more sense if I was drunk or high while watching it? Ice Cream, Shrimp and Martinis? Doesn't really seem conducive to a good night's sleep...

I mean, this is just weird. And I kind of suspect that that is the joke. Virgin Airlines has a lot of money for it's ad campaign. It doesn't have to do cheap crap like Southwest's horrid "Baggage Police" series. It can afford cool graphics and hot women- and since we are apparently never going to see another James Bond film, it can lift ideas from the opening credits of that series, too. I do wish this didn't remind me so much of Sheryl Crow's hideous title song for the equally hideous
"Tomorrow Never Dies"- ugh.

Just one request, Virgin Airlines: If you want to take this to the next level, ask Timothy Dalton to make a guest appearance in your next commercial. Connery is retired, Craig is ok but probably too busy- and I'm trying hard to forget that Lazenby, Moore or Brosnan ever played the character.

Because nothing says "excitement" like an Oil Change

Know what they do at Jiffy Lube? They CLEAN!! (Wow!)

They CHECK! (What does this mean, exactly? I mean, how much does it cost to have someone "check" your fluid levels? How helpless are we?)

They INSPECT! (How is this different from CHECKING?)

Oh, and they sell you on the idea that you really need to have your oil changed every three thousand miles! And your tires rotated every time you come in! And your radiator flushed constantly!

And then they try to convince you that you need overpriced windshield wipers! And synthetic oil! And a heating and cooling system adjustment! And a whole lot of other unnecessary crap you can get talked into because you don't know one damn thing about cars!

And if you're REALLY ignorant, once you've emptied your wallet into the coffers of your local Jiffy Lube, you can hit the nearest Starbucks to blather on and on about how thrilled you are at how it only took an hour or so to get an oil change, plus a few little "extras" that added only 500% or so to the cost!

Just do me a favor, ok? If you do decide to head to Starbucks to share your amazing story, keep in mind that there are people in line behind you who aren't as enthralled with the Saga of The Easily Lead as you might think. And the faster you finish sharing, the faster they can proceed to give their ten-minute order to the "Barista" (snigger) for that Venti Carmel Orange Latte with four creams and two and a half sugars, extra whipped topping and a shot of espresso.