So Very Connected to Nothing at All

Wow, this is so depressing.

First, we have a stereotypical twenty-something couple which mysteriously can't even manage to pick out a restaurant unless it can read reviews in the form of floating bubbles on a cell phone. Never mind that the restaurant they are looking for is right. Across. The Street. Hey, it's 2011- can't tie your shoes unless there's an App for it, right?

I don't even want to know what those kids are trying to accomplish as they run through a field with their glowing cell phones in hand. Seems like there is some kind of Locator Device or map on each screen- again, I don't want to know. I guess it's just supposed to remind me of trying to catch fireflies, which I somehow managed to do as a little boy despite my lack of "connectivity" to a "living, breathing machine" (ugh, get the fuck over yourselves please, AT&T.)

The only really familiar scene in this ad is that of the guy walking down the street staring at his phone as the world passes by. I just wish that, every once in while, this scene would conclude with the guy walking into a moving bus. Or a wood chipper. Because admit it, that would be really cool.

The scene in the ambulance, where the patient who has obviously just been in a terrible accident is locked into a stretcher, in a neck brace....and is being reassured by the floating head of a doctor which appears on the paramedic's cell phone (the paramedic must be thinking "I went to medical school to do this? To hold a phone over somebody's head? Really?") Or maybe he's not a paramedic at all- maybe we don't need paramedics in ambulances any more, because now we can have doctors "face to face" with patients thanks to the miracle of cell phone technology. Maybe we just need people capable of holding the phone above the patient's head.

And speaking of "face to face," I can't tell you how much I loathe the "stay connected with your family" theme illustrated in the final scene, where a woman's self-satisfied smile as she talks to her kid (she can SEE him, which is just as good as being there, if not better!) puts just the right touch of hate into the ad's conclusion. Son is doing fine without mommy, because he's not really without mommy, because hey there's her face on his phone. Carry on with your life, mommy! Son is just a phone call away- a phone call made possible by the "living, breathing machine" which is The Network.

AT&T's nonstop campaign to get us to Stop Looking Up And Actually Talking To People Ever is, in my humble opinion, nothing less than a war on society. One that AT&T is winning, with the help of a population of overgrown, spoiled children determined to find comfort and guidance in little glowing boxes.*

*I give the woman with the e-book a pass. E-books are not stupid, pointless little toys. They are books. There's a difference.

No one held a gun to your head, lady

Hard to feel sorry for a woman who

1. Married a guy who is referred to as "G-Dog" by his friends,

2. Thinks it's ok to juggle changing his kid (guys in commercials like this always act as if they are babysitters with their first gig, or ten-thumbed morons attempting to assemble a ten-speed bike, when they have to do ANYTHING with children) with exchanging BS with a guy who really needed to be dumped as a "friend" right after the wedding,

3. Married a guy who uses the terms "I'm just kickin'" and "gotta bounce," and

4. Married a guy who is, let's just admit it, clearly an overgrown child who was not ready to have a wife and a child, and would much rather be "kickin" with friends who refer to him as "G-Dog."

So- sorry, lady. Put away the harried, "oh my God I was doing the laundry because you SAID you could do this one little thing" look for someone who can work up a little sympathy for your situation. You wanted the package- the guy, the house, the kid. Congratulations, you got them. Now, live with them. And dump the attitude- no one tazed, tagged and locked you into a relationship with this little boy (and no, I'm not referring to the one getting his diaper changed.) It's a little early for the "oh I suffer so with this moron I'm married to" bit.

Bed. Made. Lie. My guess is, you guys deserve each other. I just wonder how many times your kid is going to hit the floor because your chosen Sperm Donor decides to drop him instead of letting the call go to Voice Mail.

I can see taking your chances with cancer

Here's the basic theme of this commercial: there are a lot worse things than yellowed teeth and fingers, bad breath, coughing up your lungs every morning, spending a hundred dollars a week on something that makes you a smelly social outcast, and the strong possibility that you will someday die of cancer.

Included in those worse things is the apparently endless, Would Be Laughable If They Weren't So Darned Depressing (depression is included) side effects you "may" experience while taking (or when you stop taking!) Chantix, a drug designed to help you break your addiction to nicotine which, if you really pay attention to this commercial, turns out to be nowhere near as bad as the "cure."

It tells you an awful lot about the Food and Drug Administration that Chantix has been approved for use by animals who are not lab rats. None of it is good. After all, Chantix MAY cause skin disorders, wild mood swings, depression, thoughts of suicide, agitation, hostility, rashes, swollen face and throat, mental disorders, nightmares, sleeplessness, and nausea, but it also MAY help you quit smoking, and do you have any idea how much money Big Pharma pours into Washington, DC in the form of campaign contributions these days?

Clearly, the Just Get The Damn Thing On The Market Mania still dominates the pharmaceutical industry. As long as you provide a long list of side effects, you've made the company attorneys happy. The addicts who desperately need real help with what is, in fact, a disease? Well, hey, Chantix hasn't been shown to cause cancer!

Starting our Sunday with a little morsel of Stupid

Ugh, can we please enact a moratorium on calling babies "miracles?" I mean, if babies are "miracles," they are the most common "miracles" in the history of the universe. If babies are miracles, miracles take place every few seconds everywhere on the planet. If babies are miracles, then miracles have become much noisier, smellier, and time-and-money consuming since I used to read about them in Sunday School.

Seriously, can we stop with this "miracle" crap already? Here's what would be a miracle- if these two people continuously had sex and yet never managed to produce a rather large-headed, pale, bald mammal that was not made up of DNA from both parents. If eggs repeatedly failed to fertilize despite being assaulted by sperm, that would be quite a "miracle."

I understand that couples tend to get a little excited when they manage to produce one of these things. Really, I get that. What I do not understand is their insistence on butchering the English language by consistently referring to their offspring as "miracles." Because sorry- unless you use the same term to refer to seedlings becoming plants, or your dog producing a litter of puppies some months after the neighbor's Best Friend got through the hole in the fence, you aren't making a whole lot of sense here. And you are really watering down the concept of "Miracle."

Maybe the real "miracle" here is that this commercial features a guy, his wife, and their baby, and the guy doesn't come across as a COMPLETELY worthless loser who appears perfectly capable of injuring the kid through his own cluelessness if left alone with it for five minutes. I guess that's something.

No chance your dog will do any damage to the "Crazy Critter," at least

As an ASPCA member who does not currently own a pet (I do feed a stray cat, but after two years of letting me feed her she still won't let me pet her or step inside my house) this ad just infuriates me, because it appeals to people who like owning cats and dogs but are looking for cheap shortcuts to taking care of their animals properly.

This Amazing Miracle Spray Crap is supposed to take the place of professional tooth and gum cleanings, which "are expensive" and oh by the way "are hard on your pet." Sure they are. In two weeks I have to get my own teeth cleaned. It's going to be expensive, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to do it anyway, because I care enough about my health to go through it. No one could convince me that spraying stuff in my mouth could take the place of a good cleaning, or prevent gum disease. Why would I provide less for a dog or cat? If I did own a pet that I claimed to love, why would I be looking to save a few bucks by cutting corners with it's life? Jesus, the ad SAYS that plaque buildup and gum disease in animals can lead to or be signs of "Liver, Kidney or Heart disease." Anyone out there REALLY want to trade the services of a licensed veterinarian for a ten-dollar bottle of bleach?

If there is- how fucking dare you own a pet, you cheap bastard pigs.

"Your pets are relying on you to take good care of you" says "Dr. Perez" in the most hilariously wooden performance since John Agar retired from the film industry. Yes, indeed they are- so why would you betray that trust to save a few bucks? "Taking care of their oral health is one of the most important things you can do for your pet." Again- I totally agree. What does this have to do with spraying your pet with a chemical which changes the color of plaque buildup and disguises the damage, making you as a disgustingly selfish, heartless, cheap piece of shit pet owner APPEAR to care for your pet (check out the awesome breath!) instead of providing it the professional care it needs?

And here's Clueless Penny-Pinching It's All About Appearances Owner, telling us how "its easy to do- Right, Bailey?" (Bailey, being a dog, has no response, but his eyes seem to cry out "Oh God please rescue me from this insane drip!") "You just spray it in their mouth and you're done!"

Yes, you're done. And your pet is Finished. But hey, that's all right- when your pet dies prematurely of those awful diseases you covered up by spraying whitener into it's mouth, maybe you can walk the Crazy Critter toy (separate shipping and handling!) the bottle came with.

Better yet, just buy a fricking stuffed animal to pretend to love. Because if you fall for this pitch, you have no business having a real, living animal in your home anyway, you disgusting, soulless creeps.

Sorry if this seemed a little harsher than usual. I just really can't stand people who want to own animals, but don't want to be bothered to care for them. If there is a Hell, they occupy the hottest ring. So do the people who appeal to them with dangerous, stupid crap like this product.

A flight in desperate need of a hijacking

The people who wrote this ad should be congratulated for their ability to jam so much anger-inducing garbage into such a tiny window of opportunity. Seriously, I got your beach right here, you smarmy jackanapes!

First, you've got this totally self-satisfied, smirking, glassy-eyed Business Class dickwad apparently lost in the haze of his own success, not halfway through his bottle of Corona before the Way Too Happy stewardess asks him if "everything's ok here?" Having all the time in the world, and not the least bit concerned that there might be anyone else on the plane who might like their FIRST beverage (like the woman across the aisle, for example,) letting said stewardess know that yes, he's very happy with his beer, his life, and his situation in general. And who wouldn't be?

Then we have the stewardess asking the woman who is Apparently The Only Other Person On The Plane Worthy Of Being Served if she would like something. Well, this is nice. The first guy to be waited on has already been served up a beer, but he was catered to before the woman directly across from him was asked what she wants for the FIRST time? Ok, whatever. In exactly as much hurry to let the poor stewardess move on to the other, Obviously Unimportant Passengers as that smarmy, possibly stoned dick enjoying his Carona is, this woman matches the guy's level of concern for the wants and needs of others by quietly replying "I'll have one of those."

And when she receives "one of those," she completes the implied connection with Please Please Please Be Allergic To Peanuts And Die male passenger by saluting him with her f--ing beer bottle. Oh, and please note that neither of these hateful idiots offers anything resembling a "please" or "thank you" during the entire commercial.

I'm not sure what the message of these Corona commercials is supposed to be- that drinking this crap allows you to indulge in the illusion of being on a quiet, private beach? That people who drink Carona are all spoiled brats who don't have the time or inclination to show even a modicum of respect for the people waiting on them as if they were royalty? That we, the viewing public, should want to slap around these people?

Because if it's Option C, mission accomplished.

Taking Money and Denying Claims. What's your Policy?

A guy retrieves a baby's toy, which somehow

inspires a woman to slightly move a coffee cup (good deed quota fulfilled for the day!) which reminds another guy that he really ought to

help that guy who slipped and fell in the rain (never would have occurred to him if he hadn't been inspired by the Coffee Cup Moving Incident), which

convinces the guy who fell down to hold the elevator (again, this guy is going straight to heaven!) which

is just what the woman who gets on the elevator needed to be moved to save a motorcycle from being damaged. And it's a darn good thing because this woman later decides to play Nanny to a guy who is leaning over just a LITTLE too much in his chair. This inspires another woman to

save a guy from being crushed by boxes. Oddly enough, this encourages another onlooker to

let a guy cross the street (instead of running him over, which, I suppose, he would have done if not inspired by the selfless gesture of another person earlier.)
Anyway, this all ends up with yet another baby toy being retrieved by another Good Samaritan.

Two things about all this nonsense: first, are we really supposed to believe that common acts of human decency, most of which are carried out without any real thought (and why would they be?) must be inspired by the example of other acts of decency?

(Of course, discussing basic human decency in a conversation about insurance...bit of a stretch already...)

Second- it's more than a little hysterical that all of this is supposed to be connected to an INSURANCE company- the same vultures who wouldn't recognize a random act of kindness if it bit them in the ass (it tells me a lot about Liberty Mutual that they equate moving a coffee cup with saving a guy from being crushed by crates. It's all the same to any insurance executive- neither gets done, unless it's part of the coverage provided by the paid policy. If then.) How does all this "doing the right thing" bs equate into denying payment of a kids' root canal surgery because his grandmother had dentures?

Oh, and the smarmy, feel-good music- give me a break.