Pill Now, Pill Later, Pill Always

Hey jerkwad- instead of gulping down pills right and left to stop that chronic heartburn, maybe you should consider

A) Seeing a doctor- I mean, this is not normal, not even for a fat slob who spends way too much time contemplating his next feeding, and/or

B) Listening to your body which, it seems to me, is really trying to tell you something here. As in, your food choices are really obnoxious to your digestive system, and it would really like you to stop assaulting it with hot, spicy garbage.

I'd like to think that Option A would lead to something very closely related to Option B, but knowing how Big Pharma captured the medical profession quite some time ago, it seems more likely to lead to a prescription for a powerful antacid. I mean, given the choice between making adjustments in your diet or taking a pill and keeping the tacos coming, which would most Americans go for?

This guy has found a "solution"- instead of gulping down TUMS every time someone mentions food (and judging from this guy's waistline and double chin, mentioning food and consuming food are very closely related activities very dear to his ever-enlarging heart) he's going to take ONE pill which takes the place of those cheap antacids. Wow, thank goodness- now instead of telling your body to shut up when it tries to warn you that you are doing it damage, you can nip that annoying little problem in the bud before it rears it's ugly, uncomfortable head. Kind of like how taking morphine is a good way to kill the pain caused by slamming your head against a brick wall, but if you could just pump novocaine into your face beforehand, that would be even better. Sure, smashing your skull into a brick wall may cause permanent damage, but isn't it a lot more important that you don't feel the pain while the damage is being inflicted?

Maybe this ends with the guy suffering a massive coronary. But no worries- if he survives, there's always that aspirin regimen deal. And this guy is already an expert on taking pills.

"Stop the Madness," indeed.

Rewarding Stupidity

Well, I guess that this was inevitable in a society which is willing to wait in line for 20 minutes for coffee, pay big money for bottled water, and can't find it's way across the street without consulting a downloaded, personalized map from the APP store.

And what exactly was inevitable? That we'd be "treated" to commercials for a credit card which charges anywhere from 9.9% to 14.9% interest in which people crow about getting 1% of their purchase amounts back in cash. Cash which can be sent to you by check or (and this is the best part) applied to your card balance.

Seriously, where is the Red Queen in all this? Have we all lost our freaking minds here? Or are we just so wedded to credit that we are willing to swallow pretty much any insane, illogical nonsense fed to us by the wonderful banks that allow us to live beyond our means?

"I love this card"- please, help me out here. You "love this card" because.....if you buy something that costs a thousand dollars, the issuing bank adds at least $100 over the course of a year in interest....but gives you $10 "cash back?" In other words, you "love this card" because YOU ARE A FREAKING LUNATIC WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW CREDIT WORKS?

Why is it that every commercial for every credit card looks like a scene from "Idiocracy" that didn't make the final cut? Oh wait, I remember now- it's because every actor in every commercial for every credit card depicts a person who is so utterly, impossibly clueless, that it's hard to believe they managed to get themselves to the store in one piece.

Oh wait. I forgot about those downloadable maps.

Hey Nissan, why stop here?

As long as your company has absolutely ZERO respect for the intelligence of the viewing public, why stop with faked videos of your truck saving a jet from crashing or pushing a dune buggy up a mountain of sand?

Why not show this truck boosting the space shuttle into orbit? How about pulling the Statue of Liberty into Central Park? No wait, here's a good one- why not show it driving West so fast that it causes the planet to stop rotating on it's axis, propelling us back in time and saving Lois Lane from being buried alive in an earthquake?

Oh wait, I know- because you realize that there is a certain population of TRULY STUPID, PATHETICALLY EASY TO FOOL MORONS who will actually BELIEVE that these scenes are NOT faked. I mean, take a look at some of the YouTube comments- you have people asking "is this real?" Sigh- yes, glue-sniffers. That stunt with the crippled jet really happened. You just didn't hear about it because it wasn't featured on TMZ, and none of the people you follow on Twitter mentioned it, and the news is for old losers.

So Nissan doesn't mind taking advantage of the current generation of idiots who know about photoshop and other tricks yet are still willing to take a lot of what they see at face value. And who are so used to being lied to that they don't take offense at "Punch Dub Days," "Hyundai Uncensored," Sham Wows or BS feats of strength exhibited by Japanese Trucks.

Hey, there's an idea for you, Nissan: Instead of giving us the finger with these commercials, why not just rename your truck the Nissan BS? It's concise and to the point- and besides, with society the way it is, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there with friends who would think it's the LOL ROTFLMAO Best Name for a Truck EVER!

Better yet, show your truck doing something it can do in REAL LIFE. You know, like haul old furniture to the dump or look stupid sitting in the driveway of a suburban split-level. Hey, at least that would be more honest than this crap.

When a simple "Bite Me" is all that's called for

I don't know, it seems to me that this Chevy Volt owner is awfully darned defensive about his choice of automobile. I can think of several better responses he could have given to this kid, his equally loathsome, dickweed dad, and the moron who runs the station until his boss checks the security tape and realizes he's chasing away customers with his stunning lack of business sense.

"Just here to rub our nose in the fact that you don't have to buy gas, make you feel better?"

Response: look sheepish and reply "um, actually it costs about $1.50 a day..in electricity..." while inexplicably offended dickweed dad and chip off the old block son look on, unconvinced.

Better Response: "Yes, I've pulled into this gas station, which also obviously sells groceries, to impress and humiliate two total strangers. And you've played along perfectly, asking me about my car instead of minding your own f---ing business. Thank you- I feel MUCH better. Of course, you did that for me without even opening your mouths- I mean, what's with that shirt, and you could sure stand to lose a few pounds, fatso."

"He's just here to use the bathroom."

Good quick response: "And you have a problem with that....why, exactly? And why is it so difficult for two people who just bought Big Gulps to understand why anyone would be using this facility without buying gasoline? Did YOU buy gasoline? Never mind- I can't imagine why I'd care. After all, I don't even know you."

"No gas, no bathroom" (from the loser attendant.)

Response: "Ok, then...I'll...buy gas...."

Better Response: "Your boss clearly didn't teach you the economics of the retail gasoline industry, did he, moron? You see, gas stations actually make virtually nothing from gas sales. Their profit margins come from customers who buy groceries, or through auto repair services. Gas stations that depend on gas to make money are practically extinct. Didn't know this, did you, you brainless, clueless, rude fur ball?"

Then I'd leave. I sure as hell wouldn't buy gas from any station employee who treated me like this, basically joining two other customers in ganging up on me because....I have an electric car? Notice that the Volt owner doesn't even SAY he wants to use the bathroom- the station attendant just jumps in because...well, because he doesn't care about selling him chips, candy, soda or anything else offered in the f--ing store, I guess.

Instead, this guy is going to buy some gas- so he can use the bathroom, I guess. Or maybe he's afraid of being beaten up by the drooling idiots who can't accept the whole Electric Car concept as something more than a slap at their own vehicle choice. Frankly, I don't understand why the Volt guy feels the need to explain ANYTHING to these Offended For Absolutely No Reason jackasses- it's not like there isn't another Gas And Groceries stop 200 yards down the freaking road. Maybe even one that WANTS customers and doesn't verbally spit on them if they don't want to buy any zero sum game gasoline. Stupid.

More evidence that McDonalds really, really hates us

Again- McDonalds is Not. Even. Trying. with these ads.

First, we have an insane little girl trapped in a woman's body who really should just never, ever open her mouth in public, ever. "Mr. Snuggles?" "Chipmunk?" I mean, what the hell IS that? And buddy- you're "smart enough to notice" that your favorite iced tea is now on the dollar menu (has been for years, btw- not that this saves his bizarre non-sequitor) but you're not smart enough to notice that the woman you are with is A FREAKING LUNATIC WITH ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ISSUES?

Well, considering that she seems to enjoy being taken to dinner at McDonalds and being treated to the Dollar Menu (isn't this more of a grandfather/granddaughter thing than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing?) maybe you guys are just made for each other. How about this- you're smart enough to realize that you can't attract an actual adult female, so this little girl with her nausea-inducing nicknames but pleasingly low date expectations is about the best you can do?

Second, two other alleged "adults" are sitting in what looks like a pretty substantial kitchen, incomprehensibly making a meal of items selected from the Dollar Menu. Apparently one of them decided that a drive through the rain to purchase this junk was a better option than simply making a meal out of what is in the refrigerator, because we are informed by the male that aw darn, it's raining, so "we can't paint the garage."

And now the hate bubbles to the surface. Quickly, the Female must come up with a reason to make The Guy She Chose To Live And Eat Disgusting Non-Food With continue to regret ever meeting her. Like Chipmunk Child in the earlier ad, she's "smart enough to know" that all that crud littering the table cost a dollar each, so she MUST be able to respond to her sex partner in a way which reminds him that She's In Charge, right?

Yep- "Well, I guess we'll just have to go shopping for window treatments, then." Haha, got you, fat boy. Hope you enjoyed that five seconds you thought you had some say in what you were going to do with your life today. Thank goodness Woman You Woke Up One Day Chained To has set you straight- oh, can't paint the garage? Fine- get your ass in the car, we are shopping for window treatments. And when that's done? Don't worry, the Honey Do List is never ending. And by the way, your input is totally unnecessary. We don't want to hear it again, ok?

In both ads, it's strongly implied that there is humor at play here. We are supposed to find these scenes amusing. Maybe someone out there does, but I really doubt it- for one, even the YouTube posters, who generally find Everything LOL SO FRICKING HILARIOUS, want the people featured to just die, now. For the other, comments have been disabled- which is never a good sign. And man, if you can't get positive responses for your commercial from the gas-sniffing knuckle-draggers who post on YouTube, your commercials REALLY SUCK, McDonalds.

Is it too much to imagine that both these ads were written by men who really, really hate women? I mean, the guys don't come off as the sharpest tools in the shed by any means- but compared to the females they are with, they are candidates for MENSA membership and Nobel Peace Prizes. What is with these women? One is an immature, blithering idiot who acts like she should be heading home to her house full of cats, all of whom have "Mr." or "Miss" in their names. The other is a bossy control freak. Taken together, they make up one big lump of Unattractive.

And taken together, these ads make up one big lump of Vile. They sure don't make me want to head off to McDonalds to partake in the Dollar Menu. Admittedly, that would take quite a commercial. But these ads don't even make the effort. All they do is make me loathe the people in them, and the company that subjected me to these time-wasting nuggets of dumb.

(BTW, what the hell are "window treatments?")

Just wanting to eat this stuff qualifies as a Pre-Existing Condition

Sigh...first of all, "chances are you've probably...?" thanks, Kraft- you start right off the bat by butchering the English language.

And hey, I had no idea that the two creepy kids who have appeared in separate Kraft Mac 'n Cheese Kids v. Parents commercials were related, or knew each other, or whatever this situation is. I do now that it's the boy's house, because they've hired that same balding idiot with the five-days growth beard to play his dad, and the palatial estate he works hard to provide for his ungrateful runt of a kid looks really familiar.

(I mean, really- this f--ing palace looks roughly twelve times the size of my apartment. And I grew up in a big farmhouse, which I think just might be able to fit into this little brat's living room.)

I don't get why the dad here feels the need to stroll across the cavernous dining room to steal a forkful of warm yellow mush, dropping that fork loudly in a "I took it because it's mine and I'll do it again" manner. Maybe it really is just a hateful control issue. In any case, it's really stupid- but I don't buy the open-mouthed look of shock on the kid's face, because after all, he's explained to us in other ads that his father is kind of a dick (in one, dad banished him from the table for some minor discretion and proceeded to eat the kid's dinner- nastiness, cruelty and child abuse wrapped up in one neat package, thanks Kraft!) This mooching of food comes as a shock to the kid? Really?

Weird Little Girl Who Continues To Try To Channel A Young Christina Ricci quietly explains this thing called "Macsurance," which I guess assures replacement of "lost" Mac 'n Cheese. Well, whatever. If it works like every other type of insurance, the kid has to prove loss and wait thirty days for a claims inspector to explain to him why that particular forkful of fatty junk wasn't covered- and oh, by the way, his rates are going up another 30%.

Not to mention- who pays this kid's premiums, anyway? Does he have a job? If so- buy your own f--ing Mac 'n Cheese, you smarmy little prick. Better yet, buy some applesauce or a vegetable to go with that lump of gray something with gravy your Dad ISN'T interested in pilfering.

Then think about installing a bowling alley in your living room. Jeesh.

I've got your "Man Card" right here, Miller

Actually, Strike One was your decision to hang around with these pathetic, judgmental beer whores. I mean, you seem to be able to find attractive girls on your own; why do you want to be with these dicks in the first place?

Strike Two was that weird squeaky noise you made when you tried to get one of your male "friends" to hit the restroom with you. No, it's not that going to the restroom in groups is a "girl thing," though I do have to question why any guy would express nervousness at going to a public facility by themselves. I assume that the joke is that girls go to the restroom to talk privately about the guys they are with and men, being men, simply don't do stuff like this. Fine. Regardless, that ain't Strike Two. Strike two is that high-pitched sound, which had no business coming out of anyone, male or female.

If you swing and miss at Strike Three, it won't be because you ordered the "wrong" Light Beer. Because (and we all know that this is the inevitable punchline the good people at Miller Lite missed,) guys who order Light Beer are the LAST MEN ON EARTH who have the right to question the masculinity of ANYONE. Hey, guys? What the hell do any of you know about Man Cards and the Proper Behavior of Males? I don't care if you HAVE managed to find hot girlfriends (lots of girls like to hang out with gay guys...not making accusations, just sayin'....) If you are drinking Light Beer, and worse, if you are sneering at another guy's choice of Light Beer, you really need to keep your cake holes shut when it comes to defining what it means to be a male.

And while I've got your attention, guys? Here are other activities that disqualify you from judging masculinity: Spending more than an hour a week fiddling with your fantasy football, basketball, hockey or baseball team. Spending more than ten minutes a day staring at your cellphone and running your finger along it's screen. Using that cell phone to find things whose locations are already well known to you. Driving a car which starts with the push of a button instead of the turn of a key. Gaming.

Here are some activities which actually confirm your status as a Man, in case you are interested: Changing your kid's diaper without dropping him to take a phone call. Doing your part to provide a home and security for your family. Treating your loved ones and the other people around you as if they are valuable and not annoying, smelly little appendages who mysteriously showed up in your house one day. Having respect for your friends and not questioning their sexuality because of what crappy, watered-down "beer" they choose to drink. Not driving a mud-splattered SUV, not going unshaven or with your shirt hanging out, not pumping a bottle of Round Up on every weed in your driveway on the weekends, and not drinking Miller Lite. Sorry it's not so easy.

Glad I could help.