The Next Crash Can't Come Fast Enough for Me

"If you think that hiring ugly people to stare into the camera with a smug, 'I'm richer and therefore better than you' look is a good way to convince people to use our investment service, Join Us."

"If you think that your money should be the most important thing in the life of a total stranger who is receiving a tiny commission to invest it, to the point of being able to call that person at 3 AM to get an update on how that block of Consolidated Hay stock is doing, Join Us."

"If you are so fucking obsessed with your tiny, In Constant Danger Of Vanishing No Matter What You Think You Overbearingly Self-Important Corporate Fascist Money-Worshippers portfolio that your entire self worth is wrapped up in that imaginary number you keep in your head which represents the fantasy dollar amount that would finally make you happy, Join Us."

"And if every other cult has turned you away, Join Us."

Seriously, I think a day of tree-hugging and communal organic farming would be so much better for my soul than what these miserable, sad, Mammon- adoring, grasping cretins are into. Hey dickweeds- it's MONEY. Even The Beatles, who eventually all become Billionaires, knew it Can't Buy You Love which is, after all, All You Need.

But please, continue wasting your "lives" worrying about your little pile of gold- sure worked for Silas Marner. Leave your pamphlets at the door- I'll give them a polite going-over, but I should let you know right now that I'm really not interested in converting to your faith. Because like most organized religions, it seems to turn it's true believers into judgmental, demanding, holier-than-thou assholes.

Wait....what the hell was that?

Wow, and I thought the Dirt Which Dreams Of Being Picked Up By a Broom commercials were stupid!

As near as I can figure, to understand this commercial we are supposed to embrace the notion that muffins bake themselves---daughter muffin reminds daddy muffin that she's told him in the past to use PAM cooking spray to avoid being stuck to the pan. Um...huh? So this is just the latest version of daddy muffin? How often does daddy muffin get to re-bake himself? Is reincarnation common among baked goods? Was I supposed to do some reading before viewing this commercial?

The "joke" is that daughter muffin has a date coming (I'm honestly sorry we don't get to see the "stud muffin") and she's mortified that her dad left some of himself in the sticky pan (come on, this is just weird.) Oh, and he calls her "cupcake," which is supposed to be very cute but also freaks out daughter muffin. Apparently cupcakes are persona non grata in the world of talking baked products. Maybe I WAS supposed to do some reading in advance....

Anyway, this commercial isn't really offensive, nor is it any more stupid than the roughly 100 million other ads featuring edible items acting like human beings. And it's certainly far less forehead-slapping dumb than the eTrade babies discussing their portfolios as they wave their I Phones around or any ad featuring monkeys, which are automatically bad because they feature monkeys. I think the only reason I even posted on it was because I'm still trying to get the bad taste of that God-Awful Geico commercial out of my mouth. This helped, a little.

Still...talking muffins....really?

Almost makes me nostalgic for those stupid cavemen

It would be way too easy to comment on how disgusting and utterly loathsome the idea of eating the family's goldfish in order save money on sushi is- too easy, and too obvious. And besides, it was never the thought of these human-shaped rodents consuming fish which had spent their lives swimming around in their own waste that made me dive for the remote whenever this ad came on my television. So let's take a look at a few easy-to-overlook subplots in GEICO's latest "don't save money by acting like a mental patient" advertisement:

First, the woman in this ad tells the audience "we really like ordering sushi, but it was getting very expensive." What an odd choice of words- she and her husband like "ordering" sushi? Not eating it? Well, it seems that she doesn't care much for sushi herself, as she's prepared two pieces of this Incomprehensibly Popular dish and is serving it to her husband as if she's a waitress at a freaking restaurant. It couldn't be more obvious that he's expected to eat both of these fish- so Wifey doesn't like sushi? Or is it that she realizes how repulsive eating fish that have been living in a tiny bowl of tepid tap water is, and wants no part of it, and hey if it kills Husband, who could deserve it more? I prefer that thought to the "there's only enough fish for one person so naturally Hubby gets served, Wifey will have to do without" message.

Second, Daughter comes into the room holding the empty bowl, asking her parents if they've seen the family's fish. This is really odd- does daughter expect to find the fish, safe and sound, in another location, so that they can be returned to the bowl? Does she think that her parents won't understand who she is referring to unless she can show them the bowl- or will they deny that they are missing unless they see the empty fish bowl for themselves? And why is what she is doing with that bowl and her nonsense "have you seen them" question less weird than Daddy's "have you looked everywhere?"

At the end of the commercial, when daughter says "whatever" and walks away, does she realize what has happened to her beloved pets? Is she off to hide the cat and dog before mom and dad look for other ways to "save money?" I guess we are supposed to be so amused at the oh so very funny sight of Daddy eating the goldfish we just don't care.

The GEICO ads featuring the woman who taught her pets to sing 80s songs reaches the level of inoffensive/cute that I think the Insurance Company Which Has Never Ever Ever Offered Me A Better Deal Than My Current Policy was reaching for. This is isn't offensive/cute; it's offensive/stupid/gross. However, I'll salute GEICO if in their next "saving money" ad, they have their own company cut costs by serving up a certain lizard spokescreature at the annual barbecue.

Pill Now, Pill Later, Pill Always

Hey jerkwad- instead of gulping down pills right and left to stop that chronic heartburn, maybe you should consider

A) Seeing a doctor- I mean, this is not normal, not even for a fat slob who spends way too much time contemplating his next feeding, and/or

B) Listening to your body which, it seems to me, is really trying to tell you something here. As in, your food choices are really obnoxious to your digestive system, and it would really like you to stop assaulting it with hot, spicy garbage.

I'd like to think that Option A would lead to something very closely related to Option B, but knowing how Big Pharma captured the medical profession quite some time ago, it seems more likely to lead to a prescription for a powerful antacid. I mean, given the choice between making adjustments in your diet or taking a pill and keeping the tacos coming, which would most Americans go for?

This guy has found a "solution"- instead of gulping down TUMS every time someone mentions food (and judging from this guy's waistline and double chin, mentioning food and consuming food are very closely related activities very dear to his ever-enlarging heart) he's going to take ONE pill which takes the place of those cheap antacids. Wow, thank goodness- now instead of telling your body to shut up when it tries to warn you that you are doing it damage, you can nip that annoying little problem in the bud before it rears it's ugly, uncomfortable head. Kind of like how taking morphine is a good way to kill the pain caused by slamming your head against a brick wall, but if you could just pump novocaine into your face beforehand, that would be even better. Sure, smashing your skull into a brick wall may cause permanent damage, but isn't it a lot more important that you don't feel the pain while the damage is being inflicted?

Maybe this ends with the guy suffering a massive coronary. But no worries- if he survives, there's always that aspirin regimen deal. And this guy is already an expert on taking pills.

"Stop the Madness," indeed.

Rewarding Stupidity

Well, I guess that this was inevitable in a society which is willing to wait in line for 20 minutes for coffee, pay big money for bottled water, and can't find it's way across the street without consulting a downloaded, personalized map from the APP store.

And what exactly was inevitable? That we'd be "treated" to commercials for a credit card which charges anywhere from 9.9% to 14.9% interest in which people crow about getting 1% of their purchase amounts back in cash. Cash which can be sent to you by check or (and this is the best part) applied to your card balance.

Seriously, where is the Red Queen in all this? Have we all lost our freaking minds here? Or are we just so wedded to credit that we are willing to swallow pretty much any insane, illogical nonsense fed to us by the wonderful banks that allow us to live beyond our means?

"I love this card"- please, help me out here. You "love this card" because.....if you buy something that costs a thousand dollars, the issuing bank adds at least $100 over the course of a year in interest....but gives you $10 "cash back?" In other words, you "love this card" because YOU ARE A FREAKING LUNATIC WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW CREDIT WORKS?

Why is it that every commercial for every credit card looks like a scene from "Idiocracy" that didn't make the final cut? Oh wait, I remember now- it's because every actor in every commercial for every credit card depicts a person who is so utterly, impossibly clueless, that it's hard to believe they managed to get themselves to the store in one piece.

Oh wait. I forgot about those downloadable maps.

Hey Nissan, why stop here?

As long as your company has absolutely ZERO respect for the intelligence of the viewing public, why stop with faked videos of your truck saving a jet from crashing or pushing a dune buggy up a mountain of sand?

Why not show this truck boosting the space shuttle into orbit? How about pulling the Statue of Liberty into Central Park? No wait, here's a good one- why not show it driving West so fast that it causes the planet to stop rotating on it's axis, propelling us back in time and saving Lois Lane from being buried alive in an earthquake?

Oh wait, I know- because you realize that there is a certain population of TRULY STUPID, PATHETICALLY EASY TO FOOL MORONS who will actually BELIEVE that these scenes are NOT faked. I mean, take a look at some of the YouTube comments- you have people asking "is this real?" Sigh- yes, glue-sniffers. That stunt with the crippled jet really happened. You just didn't hear about it because it wasn't featured on TMZ, and none of the people you follow on Twitter mentioned it, and the news is for old losers.

So Nissan doesn't mind taking advantage of the current generation of idiots who know about photoshop and other tricks yet are still willing to take a lot of what they see at face value. And who are so used to being lied to that they don't take offense at "Punch Dub Days," "Hyundai Uncensored," Sham Wows or BS feats of strength exhibited by Japanese Trucks.

Hey, there's an idea for you, Nissan: Instead of giving us the finger with these commercials, why not just rename your truck the Nissan BS? It's concise and to the point- and besides, with society the way it is, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there with friends who would think it's the LOL ROTFLMAO Best Name for a Truck EVER!

Better yet, show your truck doing something it can do in REAL LIFE. You know, like haul old furniture to the dump or look stupid sitting in the driveway of a suburban split-level. Hey, at least that would be more honest than this crap.

When a simple "Bite Me" is all that's called for

I don't know, it seems to me that this Chevy Volt owner is awfully darned defensive about his choice of automobile. I can think of several better responses he could have given to this kid, his equally loathsome, dickweed dad, and the moron who runs the station until his boss checks the security tape and realizes he's chasing away customers with his stunning lack of business sense.

"Just here to rub our nose in the fact that you don't have to buy gas, make you feel better?"

Response: look sheepish and reply "um, actually it costs about $1.50 a day..in electricity..." while inexplicably offended dickweed dad and chip off the old block son look on, unconvinced.

Better Response: "Yes, I've pulled into this gas station, which also obviously sells groceries, to impress and humiliate two total strangers. And you've played along perfectly, asking me about my car instead of minding your own f---ing business. Thank you- I feel MUCH better. Of course, you did that for me without even opening your mouths- I mean, what's with that shirt, and you could sure stand to lose a few pounds, fatso."

"He's just here to use the bathroom."

Good quick response: "And you have a problem with that....why, exactly? And why is it so difficult for two people who just bought Big Gulps to understand why anyone would be using this facility without buying gasoline? Did YOU buy gasoline? Never mind- I can't imagine why I'd care. After all, I don't even know you."

"No gas, no bathroom" (from the loser attendant.)

Response: "Ok, then...I'll...buy gas...."

Better Response: "Your boss clearly didn't teach you the economics of the retail gasoline industry, did he, moron? You see, gas stations actually make virtually nothing from gas sales. Their profit margins come from customers who buy groceries, or through auto repair services. Gas stations that depend on gas to make money are practically extinct. Didn't know this, did you, you brainless, clueless, rude fur ball?"

Then I'd leave. I sure as hell wouldn't buy gas from any station employee who treated me like this, basically joining two other customers in ganging up on me because....I have an electric car? Notice that the Volt owner doesn't even SAY he wants to use the bathroom- the station attendant just jumps in because...well, because he doesn't care about selling him chips, candy, soda or anything else offered in the f--ing store, I guess.

Instead, this guy is going to buy some gas- so he can use the bathroom, I guess. Or maybe he's afraid of being beaten up by the drooling idiots who can't accept the whole Electric Car concept as something more than a slap at their own vehicle choice. Frankly, I don't understand why the Volt guy feels the need to explain ANYTHING to these Offended For Absolutely No Reason jackasses- it's not like there isn't another Gas And Groceries stop 200 yards down the freaking road. Maybe even one that WANTS customers and doesn't verbally spit on them if they don't want to buy any zero sum game gasoline. Stupid.