Robots, yes. Drunk Drivers? Not so much.

While stopped at an intersection in Barre, Vermont in July 2003, I was rather violently rear-ended by a drunk who hit me so hard that my car jumped about five feet, nearly hitting the police officer directing traffic.

I got out of my car and laid down on the sidewalk until the ambulance could arrive. At the hospital, another police officer informed me that the guy who hit me was driving under a suspended license and had no insurance (and was drunk at eight o'clock in the morning to boot.) Oh well- thank goodness I was covered with State Farm!!

Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm quickly cut me a check for the value of my totaled Honda. So far, so good. Then I had to go through three months of physical therapy- three sessions a week, scheduled around my class schedule- to get my back straightened out. No problem- I was covered for damage caused by Uninsured Motorists through State Farm!

All I had to do was hire an attorney and badger State Farm to cover my therapy costs. For two and a half years. Finally, we settled. And a year after the settlement, I got a very nice letter from State Farm explaining how that multi-billion dollar company was unable to get any money from the drunken loser who slammed into me almost four years previous- and therefore, they Much Regretted That They Would Be Unable To Refund My $500 Collision Deductible. Such Good Neighbors!

Now, of course, if my house had been attacked by a giant robot with one eye which shot laser beams, and if Said Robot had smashed my car with a giant iron claw, and if Aforementioned Robot of the First Part had then lifted me up in my chair and dropped me on to my car, injuring my back, I'm positive I would have been covered and all expenses would have been paid for, No Questions Asked. It was the unusual circumstances of my particular accident ( I mean, how often do people get hit by uninsured drunk drivers? I bet my case was the first!) which created the conflict between me, the Allegedly Insured, and State Farm.

Full disclosure- I'm still with State Farm, because they DID ultimately give me a pretty decent settlement and they STILL give me the best rates of any company out there (I do check from time to time- hey Geico, you are out of the ballpark by about $400 per year. Just thought I'd let you know.) But when I see commercials like this, they just remind me of how you managed to drag out paying for my therapy (it's not like I went to some BS clinic in Sweden to immerse myself in volcanic mud- it was in downtown Silver Spring for Chrissakes...) for several years instead of just being a Good Neighbor and cutting me a freaking check (you know, like I do for you guys every three months, plus annually for my renter's insurance.) I don't know, it just makes me wonder how you'd REALLY react if I was ever attacked by a robot. Why do I think I'd be really out of luck, despite the confident look on this victim's face?

Or maybe I should contact my local agent and just ask about robot insurance. Because didn't SNL tell us a long time ago that the Iron Ones would eventually be coming for all of us?

They don't make maturity like they used to

Apparently there's this "trilogy" of video games called "Gears of War," and this is the final "chapter," and based on some of the posts on YouTube, some "adults" are really, really bummed out about that. I mean, I assume that the posters who have been devotees of the "series" are adults, because these games are rated M for Violence, including Blood and Gore.

"M" stands for "Mature." Because I guess you have to be a Mature Adult to enjoy sitting on your fat and expanding ass playing this crap. And to be sad that the "fun" is coming to an end (as if there aren't already a dozen or more games that are just clones of this one- hey "gamers," it's not like there aren't going to be plenty of opportunities out there for you to pretend to be big strong soldiers blasting away at aliens from the comfort of your couches.)

If this is what it means to be Mature, I think I'd rather be Childish. There's more fresh air and sunshine in it, and it doesn't require electronics or waiting in line at Wal Mart.

The Next Crash Can't Come Fast Enough for Me

"If you think that hiring ugly people to stare into the camera with a smug, 'I'm richer and therefore better than you' look is a good way to convince people to use our investment service, Join Us."

"If you think that your money should be the most important thing in the life of a total stranger who is receiving a tiny commission to invest it, to the point of being able to call that person at 3 AM to get an update on how that block of Consolidated Hay stock is doing, Join Us."

"If you are so fucking obsessed with your tiny, In Constant Danger Of Vanishing No Matter What You Think You Overbearingly Self-Important Corporate Fascist Money-Worshippers portfolio that your entire self worth is wrapped up in that imaginary number you keep in your head which represents the fantasy dollar amount that would finally make you happy, Join Us."

"And if every other cult has turned you away, Join Us."

Seriously, I think a day of tree-hugging and communal organic farming would be so much better for my soul than what these miserable, sad, Mammon- adoring, grasping cretins are into. Hey dickweeds- it's MONEY. Even The Beatles, who eventually all become Billionaires, knew it Can't Buy You Love which is, after all, All You Need.

But please, continue wasting your "lives" worrying about your little pile of gold- sure worked for Silas Marner. Leave your pamphlets at the door- I'll give them a polite going-over, but I should let you know right now that I'm really not interested in converting to your faith. Because like most organized religions, it seems to turn it's true believers into judgmental, demanding, holier-than-thou assholes.

Wait....what the hell was that?

Wow, and I thought the Dirt Which Dreams Of Being Picked Up By a Broom commercials were stupid!

As near as I can figure, to understand this commercial we are supposed to embrace the notion that muffins bake themselves---daughter muffin reminds daddy muffin that she's told him in the past to use PAM cooking spray to avoid being stuck to the pan. Um...huh? So this is just the latest version of daddy muffin? How often does daddy muffin get to re-bake himself? Is reincarnation common among baked goods? Was I supposed to do some reading before viewing this commercial?

The "joke" is that daughter muffin has a date coming (I'm honestly sorry we don't get to see the "stud muffin") and she's mortified that her dad left some of himself in the sticky pan (come on, this is just weird.) Oh, and he calls her "cupcake," which is supposed to be very cute but also freaks out daughter muffin. Apparently cupcakes are persona non grata in the world of talking baked products. Maybe I WAS supposed to do some reading in advance....

Anyway, this commercial isn't really offensive, nor is it any more stupid than the roughly 100 million other ads featuring edible items acting like human beings. And it's certainly far less forehead-slapping dumb than the eTrade babies discussing their portfolios as they wave their I Phones around or any ad featuring monkeys, which are automatically bad because they feature monkeys. I think the only reason I even posted on it was because I'm still trying to get the bad taste of that God-Awful Geico commercial out of my mouth. This helped, a little.

Still...talking muffins....really?

Almost makes me nostalgic for those stupid cavemen

It would be way too easy to comment on how disgusting and utterly loathsome the idea of eating the family's goldfish in order save money on sushi is- too easy, and too obvious. And besides, it was never the thought of these human-shaped rodents consuming fish which had spent their lives swimming around in their own waste that made me dive for the remote whenever this ad came on my television. So let's take a look at a few easy-to-overlook subplots in GEICO's latest "don't save money by acting like a mental patient" advertisement:

First, the woman in this ad tells the audience "we really like ordering sushi, but it was getting very expensive." What an odd choice of words- she and her husband like "ordering" sushi? Not eating it? Well, it seems that she doesn't care much for sushi herself, as she's prepared two pieces of this Incomprehensibly Popular dish and is serving it to her husband as if she's a waitress at a freaking restaurant. It couldn't be more obvious that he's expected to eat both of these fish- so Wifey doesn't like sushi? Or is it that she realizes how repulsive eating fish that have been living in a tiny bowl of tepid tap water is, and wants no part of it, and hey if it kills Husband, who could deserve it more? I prefer that thought to the "there's only enough fish for one person so naturally Hubby gets served, Wifey will have to do without" message.

Second, Daughter comes into the room holding the empty bowl, asking her parents if they've seen the family's fish. This is really odd- does daughter expect to find the fish, safe and sound, in another location, so that they can be returned to the bowl? Does she think that her parents won't understand who she is referring to unless she can show them the bowl- or will they deny that they are missing unless they see the empty fish bowl for themselves? And why is what she is doing with that bowl and her nonsense "have you seen them" question less weird than Daddy's "have you looked everywhere?"

At the end of the commercial, when daughter says "whatever" and walks away, does she realize what has happened to her beloved pets? Is she off to hide the cat and dog before mom and dad look for other ways to "save money?" I guess we are supposed to be so amused at the oh so very funny sight of Daddy eating the goldfish we just don't care.

The GEICO ads featuring the woman who taught her pets to sing 80s songs reaches the level of inoffensive/cute that I think the Insurance Company Which Has Never Ever Ever Offered Me A Better Deal Than My Current Policy was reaching for. This is isn't offensive/cute; it's offensive/stupid/gross. However, I'll salute GEICO if in their next "saving money" ad, they have their own company cut costs by serving up a certain lizard spokescreature at the annual barbecue.

Pill Now, Pill Later, Pill Always

Hey jerkwad- instead of gulping down pills right and left to stop that chronic heartburn, maybe you should consider

A) Seeing a doctor- I mean, this is not normal, not even for a fat slob who spends way too much time contemplating his next feeding, and/or

B) Listening to your body which, it seems to me, is really trying to tell you something here. As in, your food choices are really obnoxious to your digestive system, and it would really like you to stop assaulting it with hot, spicy garbage.

I'd like to think that Option A would lead to something very closely related to Option B, but knowing how Big Pharma captured the medical profession quite some time ago, it seems more likely to lead to a prescription for a powerful antacid. I mean, given the choice between making adjustments in your diet or taking a pill and keeping the tacos coming, which would most Americans go for?

This guy has found a "solution"- instead of gulping down TUMS every time someone mentions food (and judging from this guy's waistline and double chin, mentioning food and consuming food are very closely related activities very dear to his ever-enlarging heart) he's going to take ONE pill which takes the place of those cheap antacids. Wow, thank goodness- now instead of telling your body to shut up when it tries to warn you that you are doing it damage, you can nip that annoying little problem in the bud before it rears it's ugly, uncomfortable head. Kind of like how taking morphine is a good way to kill the pain caused by slamming your head against a brick wall, but if you could just pump novocaine into your face beforehand, that would be even better. Sure, smashing your skull into a brick wall may cause permanent damage, but isn't it a lot more important that you don't feel the pain while the damage is being inflicted?

Maybe this ends with the guy suffering a massive coronary. But no worries- if he survives, there's always that aspirin regimen deal. And this guy is already an expert on taking pills.

"Stop the Madness," indeed.

Rewarding Stupidity

Well, I guess that this was inevitable in a society which is willing to wait in line for 20 minutes for coffee, pay big money for bottled water, and can't find it's way across the street without consulting a downloaded, personalized map from the APP store.

And what exactly was inevitable? That we'd be "treated" to commercials for a credit card which charges anywhere from 9.9% to 14.9% interest in which people crow about getting 1% of their purchase amounts back in cash. Cash which can be sent to you by check or (and this is the best part) applied to your card balance.

Seriously, where is the Red Queen in all this? Have we all lost our freaking minds here? Or are we just so wedded to credit that we are willing to swallow pretty much any insane, illogical nonsense fed to us by the wonderful banks that allow us to live beyond our means?

"I love this card"- please, help me out here. You "love this card" because.....if you buy something that costs a thousand dollars, the issuing bank adds at least $100 over the course of a year in interest....but gives you $10 "cash back?" In other words, you "love this card" because YOU ARE A FREAKING LUNATIC WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW CREDIT WORKS?

Why is it that every commercial for every credit card looks like a scene from "Idiocracy" that didn't make the final cut? Oh wait, I remember now- it's because every actor in every commercial for every credit card depicts a person who is so utterly, impossibly clueless, that it's hard to believe they managed to get themselves to the store in one piece.

Oh wait. I forgot about those downloadable maps.